...and then...

Guess I was supposed to do this 10 days inna Row . . .

2011-07-31T06:31:00.000-07:00

9 things I love. . . . there's so many . . .

10. Listening to horses eat in the morning.
9. Quilting.
8. Amy's laugh.
7. Understanding/seeing a scripture in a whole new way.
6. Talking to Cindy.
5. The sound of birdsong in the morning.
4. Coffee with Robert on the back porch.
3. When I see that God has moved in my life while I went my ignorant way.
2. Robert and the fam.
10. My God. My Father, my Savior, my Spirit.

10 Secrets About Me

2011-07-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

. . whether you wanna know them or not . . .

1. I wish I didn't feel the need to entertain all the time!

2. It is nearly impossible to get past my wall once I put it up.

3. I don't paint or draw serious pictures because I cannot please myself ever.

4. I've never done 1 single pull up in all my life.

5. It is very very easy to hurt my feelings but you'll rarely know it.

6. I wanted to be a professional singer all though my junior high school years.

7. I wanted to be an actress throughout my high school years.

8. I'm afraid of losing weight.

9. I own over 450 movies. And I re watch them over and over.

10. I have a phobia about being lost.

Okay, Amy . . . I'll bite.

2011-07-09T03:47:00.000-07:00

. . . . Hmmmm . . .

. . . . 7 things I want . . . . .

1. To sit in Gods lap, to walk with Christ and discuss things and to find the Spirit more.

2. I want to be able to enjoy things more.

3. To be able to better manage my time.

4. To be able to accept that which I cannot understand.

5. To see mom's face now that she realizes.

6. To be able to go back in time, knowing what I do now, to teach, and hold and cherish my sons more than I did before.

7. And by far the thing I want most is Heaven. Can't wait to be able to hit those notes when I get there.

Placebos

2011-05-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

I've always thought placebos were horrible. Like a trick the doctor plays on you to see if you're really ill or just a hypochondriac. You take this miracle drug and wham! All better and thankful and . . wadda idiot. It was tic-tacs all along. It's really insulting.

It's fake. You believe and accept and hope and it's vapor.

So are some people. Calling themselves friends, they are just as intangible as fake medicine - the tic-tac. You believe and love them and depend on them and WHAM - they are gone, giggling at their insensitive cleverness and at your ignorance.

You're left feeling stupid and used.

Gag, I hate that.

A Definition

2011-05-12T06:01:00.000-07:00

Faith is hanging on when it just ain't possible to hang on one second longer.

Faith is believing that there is good out there no matter how much rotten junk you get hurled at you.

Faith is smiling and doing for others when then are jerks or don't even care that you're breathing but you do it anyway.

Faith is knowing (not just believing) that you are never (never) all alone. No matter how tangibly black life gets, you are not by yourself.

Faith is a working verb most of the time. It's a horrific workout. It's a merciless taskmaster and it is worth every single second you put into it.

EVERY single second you put into it.

Mornin!

2011-05-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

The other morning I was lazing in bed. when I turned my head to snuggle into the pillow and - - GAG! The stench was awful! Who had done what on my pillow? It was . . . it was . . .

Pretty doggone pathetic when you have to get up to brush your teeth to keep from offending yourself.

It's an Age Thing

2011-04-01T04:22:00.001-07:00

So Robert and I decided to change sides of the bed. Don't really know why, but for me, it was sorta exciting - (I GOTTA get out more.)

So here I am, all snuggled on the left hand side, reading, happy as a clam...

It lasted 2 nights.

Much further to the bathroom over there.

The Bright Side

2011-03-28T23:27:00.001-07:00

Where to start - where to start - where to start?

Do I tell about the absolute devastation of the break up of my second sons marriage? Or about the calm that Christ continues to drip into my mind to calm me?

Do I tell of the shock of Mikes death? Or do I talk of the anonymously sent flowers that totally blew me away with their message; " . . . you are truly loved."

Do I tell of the empty gut, hollowed out pain of these two life changing events happening in 2 days or do I tell of the amazing sound of Jaci's timid voice . . .("Hi. It's me.") not sure about talking to me but calling anyway?

Do I tell of the trip to and from *** (not heaven) - 60 hours behind the wheel while my sisters slept or do I tell about the glory of the Mojave`, the beauty of a desert sky . . . the feel of the hand of faith never leaving?

Do I tell about Jarred's face or about how he finally came home, for real - - the son I used to know?

Do I tell of the lowest lows, the highest of highs, the certainty of the love of a Man who will never ever leave me to face the rotten parts of this world alone or about the love of the Man who will always make sure I see Him in the very air that swirls around me?

What a ride.

A Fruity TMI

2011-03-04T03:42:00.001-08:00

When Jaci was visiting once, I was doing her laundry - I like to do laundry . . . it's a habit I'm working to overcome. While folding I noticed a stupid little pair of underwear - and I do mean weird. It was all girley but had a fly that was sewn closed. "How fruit!" I said aloud.

... and then . . . fast forward three years - --

Here's Jackie, running around Walmart, looking for new underwear because mine keep working their way down as I work out. I see, in the ladies section, 'Boy briefs". Well, that's fruit. Hoping they'll be able to stay the course, I bought a package.

How amazing they are!!!! They stay up, they cover so much of me (a blessing to Robert) and they are more comfortable than any thing I've put on my hiney!!!

That Jaci! She's so ahead of her time!

Takin the World Up to Speed

2011-02-23T06:03:00.000-08:00

Things that have happened since I fell off the face of the earth:

Done the Beth Moore 'Daniel' study three times.

Watched my sweet Amy in pain - did not like that one single bit.

been sick for a month straight - no lie - a month . .
visited old Mexico in downtown San Antonio.

Bought a new horse.

Started up riding classes again.

Started learning Spanish on my Rosetta stone.

...and then ...

OMIWORD!!!! I have become whet I never ever thought I'd be . . .a quilter.

Took a class at the Jourdanton Community center made a quilt and wham, I am so hooked! It's like I can't get enough of it. Ever.

Poor Robert!

HA!

2010-11-09T05:55:00.000-08:00

I was really really irritated at Robert the other day. See, I'd not only worked on Christmas, I had cleaned out a closet, did the floors, super scrubbed the bathroom, I also ironed every single piece of work clothes in the basket. Added to the greatness of 'me' was the fact that I was feeling might might puny.

Wadda woman I was! What a wife my wise husband had snagged!

So he comes home, kisses me, asks If I'd thrown hay to the horses and then just breezes out to do that without seeing a thing, without saying a thing.

I was furious!!! I mean , really really indignant. I coughed as I looked at the closed door he'd just gone through. That thoughtless, uncaring, self centered . . .

. . . and then . . .

And then I realized he was going to feed my horses for me. He'd been at work all day to make sure I had horses and chickens and supplies to scrapbook, knit, draw, study . . . Then he comes in, feeds, takes care of the chickens, takes care of the stuff that needs fixing . . .

The list of things Robert does just because is endless. To keep me happy, to make me feel secure, because that is his job.

And I don't think I've ever really thanked him for that.

What a thoughtless, uncaring, self centered scum I am.

So long . . .

2010-10-18T07:17:00.001-07:00

I ditched Facebook.

Too much time, too much junk coming through. I have had enough. Finally.

Yep - - -you read that right. Goodbye Frontierville. Gonna do without the toll booth, the 33x33 expansion . . .the peanuts. Goodbye farmville requests, goodbye political propaganda, good bye network that gives my information to advertisers.

Don't think I'm gonna be missin you much.

Not sure where this came from . . .

2010-09-26T20:52:00.001-07:00

I am surrounded by those who want to kill me.
I stand up for you, God and the wolves close in.
I love You more than every single day. Because only You know my heart and love me.
I am the center of your world, Lord. Let me never forget that.
Avenge me, Father. I am too tired to keep this up.
Confusion is my lover, Lord. It swirls around me like a thick mist, obscuring truth.
Don't you rotten people realize who loves me? Don't you know who you're messing with when you mess with me? His name is God. Alpha. Omega. I Am. This is my Father.

I'm thinking David wrote something along those lines somewhere in the Psalms.

I so know how he feels.

Summer 2010

2010-08-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

I have grasped a few 'do's' and 'don'ts' that I will hold with determination.

Don't keep 5 kids under the age of 5 for more than 2 weeks. It will destroy your constitution.

Do make sure you keep 5 kids under 5 at least once a year . . . it feeds the soul.

Don't believe it when the chicken books say your chickens will be laying in 4 months. That's a lie.

Don't believe the salesman who promises you have 2 female ducks and just one drake. Lies . . all lies . . .

Don't allow yourself to get overheated when your my age and my weight. It destroys the rest of the summer.

Don't put your horse at JJ and Corinna's - they get really fat really quick.

Do give with all you have to those who don't deserve it. It makes God smile.

Do have Cocoa krispies whenever you want. You are a grownup, you know.

Do spend more time in prayer and Bible study. There just ain't no other way to get to know Him.

Sweet June

2010-05-28T20:14:00.000-07:00

Everyday I ask the air -" Is it the end of May yet? Are we into June?"

Because:

I get Amy back.

I get close to seeing my babies - Rob and Jarred.

I get to harvest tomato's.

I get closer to swim with my grand kids.

I get to eat a lot more bbq.

I get closer to gathering eggs.

It gets much easier to remember my youth - summer vacations.

I am just this side of holding Ava, chasing Jocey, laughing with JooJoo, jumping on the trampoline with James and singing with Kaia.

. . . and then . . .

Then I look into the sky and say: "Is it September yet?"

A true story

2010-04-21T15:55:00.001-07:00

An Amish elder man sat in a public briefing. There were 52 reporters there who wanted to ask questions about all things Amish.

"What makes the Amish different from all other denominations?" one reporter asked.

The elder scratched his beard and asked: "Who in here owns a television?"

52 hands went up.

"Who in here thinks that there are questionable things on television that might erode the family?"

52 hands went up.

"Now, who is going to go home and get rid of their television?"

No hands went up.

"That," the elder said "is the difference."

True story.

And this is exactly the reason I have a problem with those who see wrong, or see sin or see questionable situations and don't change. This is exactly the reason I am a member of Christ's church. Because it's all about changing into, not skating around, Him.

Natural Vanilla Bean

2010-04-06T11:24:00.000-07:00

'Beaner . . she not dirty she cleaner'
Not a bone in her that's meaner
She knows a lot, she's not greener
Tell me have you seen her?'

When I got Nellie I was looking for a dog that would breed with Brymer. He was this tiny little guy who needed a girl toy. So I scanned the paper and found a breeder in Canyon Lake. Off I went to check out this 'female, orange toy Pomeranian. Parents on site'

There were about 53 hundred dogs there, all the offspring of this one orange male who looked about him with a sort of benevolence. The master of all he surveyed. I was awed by his looks then crashed to the ground when I saw "Wendy".

She was in that odd 3 month old puppy stage where they have none of the looks or hair of the breed. She kept jumping on the fence, desperate to get attention. The people who had first bought her had to bring her back, so she was a reject. I was not impressed, but she was what I needed, so I wrote a check and took her home. I called her natural vanilla Bean because that was my favorite and I had to have a name that began with a 'B'. (Not sure why.) Everyone who saw her thought she was unimpressive but sweet. Brymer liked her from the get go but he was the only one. Even Robert raised any eyebrow and said; " . . .oh, kay . . ."

She loved me from the second she sat on my chest. I was the center of her world. I was her personal gift from God. Only my hand would do. Only my smile would cause her to rush across the room. Her devotion was without limits, without boundary, with no reservation. She walks in her comma to me. She snores on my lap.

To me, Natural Vanilla Bean by Blue Bell is the absolute best ice cream made. There shouldn't even be room on the shelf for any of those other yellow tubs. There is no substitute, there is no ice cream close. If there is none at the store, I do without.

I named her well.

Gut Punched

2010-04-03T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you realize something, or find out something, or finally accept something that leaves you open mouthed with shock.

It's really not going to get better this time.
It's really happening.
How in the world am I to accept this, Father?
How can I stand with this terrible knowledge?

I cannot, I will not accept it . . It just isn't in me . .

Oh, mothers heart that cannot let go.

Another List

2010-03-12T17:09:00.001-08:00

The older I get the less I know.

The older I get the more I gape with incredulous awe at youth.

The older I get the easier it is to give people a second or third chance.

The older I get, the easier it is to understand the power of friendship.

The older I get the harder it is to let people in.

The older I get, the more set in my opinions I become.

The older I get, the more I see the importance of friendship in a marriage.

The older I get, the less I understand those who consistently change currents.

The older I get the more some things hurt.

It's easier to laugh.
Harder to cry.
Easy to forgive.
Harder to understand.
Easier to understand.
Harder to say exactly how I feel.
Easier to just go to bed earlier.

Where's the Freedom?

2010-03-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

How do you find the line between serving and spreading yourself too thin?

I find myself surrounded by a cage of obligations which I have built. I can't seem to be able to say "No" to people, to situations . . it's as if I don't do something, maybe nothing will be done. And if nothing happens, how will they see God? Does no one worry about this but me?

And as I hear myself agreeing to, promising to, volunteering to . . I can't believe that the people asking can't see that I am in trouble. Or that the people watching me, shaking their heads that I'm " . . over doing it", do not help.

But I say nothing to them as they hug me with relieved thanks.

There is no way to obliterate some without pain, anger, confusion . . .

Father, save me from myself.

To Dana

2010-02-10T09:17:00.000-08:00

While waiting to take the Lords supper in Denver, I handed James a green crayon. He gave me a side glance, smiled and said: "Oo-mah? Did you know I love you?"

I said: "Why, yes, I did know that. Are you aware of how much I love you?"

James: "Yes'm."

And he looked at me with these amazing chocolate eyes, twinkling as if we held a secret. Then he went back to the crayon. The surge of love I had for him at that second was astounding.

. . . and then . . .

And then I realized that Christ had an 'Oo-mah' just like James did. Christ smiled at her, adored her. Christ wanted to sit next to her. His eyes lit up when she entered a room. They twinkled at the sound of her voice.

And my sin killed that little boy.

I told Dana once that the Lords supper was sometimes just a reminder of what/Who we serve. But sometimes it makes my world tilt.

This was one of those times.

2010-01-25T13:40:00.000-08:00

I watched Carol run the little horse, Duke, around the round pen for the 10 hundredth time. Her eyes sparkled, her walk had spring, her mouth laughed. As he messed up, she asked me how to fix it and he learned. And Carols eyes sparkled. When he did things right, she lavished him with praise and Carols eyes sparkled

I'm introducing her to something she didn't even know she loved. I'm able to teach her how to live a new time in her life safely.

Father, maybe, just maybe, all this time and money spent on horses hasn't gone to waste.

December 2007

2010-01-20T11:54:00.000-08:00

Mom: I forgive . . .

Mike: I regret . . .

Cindy: I wish . . .

Nada: I understand . . .

Cheri: I dreamt . . .

Kelly: I cried . . .

Robert: I remember . . .

Robby: I am sorry . . .

Jarred: I release . . .

Without Cover

2010-01-11T16:24:00.001-08:00

At my farm on Coughran road, in the master bath, you exited the shower right in front of a full length mirror. I used to roll my eyes and actually say: "Gag!" out loud.

I don't like being naked. I don't like what I see. There's too much work to be done that I can no longer hide from. I can't pretend that I am what I am not. Even to myself.

I don't like to become vulnerable. I don't like opening up. Because what is obvious can no longer be ignored. I am forced to work. Forced to grow. Forced to go against all the "Hey, it's just the way you are" and become more.

A Tale of Two Worlds

2010-01-07T13:32:00.000-08:00

She was large and clumsy. She didn't look you in the eye. She spoke softly, if at all. She didn't offer opinions. I watched her stumble through life, and failed to notice the composition of the heart beneath that white cotton shirt. I never gave her the time of day, but she lit up like a candle when I rounded the corner. She knew my name. She looked for me in a crowd. She never held my apathy against me. One day I realized the absolute diamond she really was, I searched for her then found her. I hugged her for all the time lost, a plea for forgiveness for all my disregard. She held me as if I'd always been there for her. I closed my eyes and was blown away by the shining beauty of Coleen. She'd been handed a dull unremarkable rock from life. And she thought it was amazing.

She was like something out of a magazine. Built like every single worldly man envisioned, she strutted her face and figure through life. Her eyes were provocative when they wanted to be, and contemptuous to anything beneath the perfection she had been granted. Her wishes would be adhered to. She wore her clothes tight. She loved makeup. She laughed only at crass remarks, unless there was something to be gained from pretension. No fault was ever laid on her door - this was a fact she declared at every opportunity. She was the shining sun that the planets spun about. Her perception of the world honestly went no further than that. No deeper. She was handed a shining scepter from life and demanded it be gold.

I am learning that we don't need eyes to see the world. In fact, we see better without them.

Of course, Kaylynn

2010-01-05T10:10:00.000-08:00

Kalynn laughs and you melt.

Kaylynn smiles and you just have to smile back.

Kaylynn winks and you gasp.

Kaylynn cries and you cuddle.

Kaylynn throws a fit and you laugh at her nerve.

Kaylynn recognizes you when you enter a room and she glows.

Kaylynn comes into your life and you feel this horrific urge to protect.

Kaylynn leaves your life and you lean on God for He is the only One who is strong enough to get her safely through.

She is a roller coaster fun ride, a royal pain in the bootie, a lump of adoration and a ball of attitude. She is faith revisited. She broke my heart even as she mended it.

A Revelation

2009-12-21T13:03:00.000-08:00

While watching a movie this weekend, the subject of Christ came along.. . a reference to something He'd done, a quick blip about His life. And My heart raced. All my attention became pivoted to the TV. I ached to catch a glimpse, to learn anything, to watch His word become real. Like searching for a friendly face in a hostile room, and then seeing Him, I knew relief. The utter relief of Him.

I realized that was exactly how I feel when I see Robert, or the boys, or horses. The realization hit me.

I am in love. With Christ. Not because of the salvation He brought, not because of the chance of heaven He offers, not even because He has the whole of creation under His hand.

But because I love Him. Him.

Being over saved makes me smile.

It's All About the Humility

2009-12-16T12:50:00.000-08:00

While I was in services last Sunday, I sat behind an older couple. After the service, they both turned to me and said how much they loved hearing me sing. I scoffed, of course,because that is what you're supposed to do, right? Humble. ("No! No! No! You must have heard someone else . . .I am an untalented worm . . .") With brutal honestly, I confess I was proud.

The lady told me, "Jackie, you can write, and draw and really sing. Is there anything you can't do?"

Instantly I was brought back to earth. To the core of the earth.
Because . . .
I can't forgive sometimes.
I can't handle being around certain people sometimes.
I can't control my temper sometimes.
I can't master patience sometimes.
I can't smile when I want to scream sometimes.
I can't stop eating sometimes.
I can't stop bad words from spewing sometimes.
I can't make myself get up and go to church/fellowship/serve the church sometimes.
I can't cry sometimes.
I can't love sometimes.

Up next to those brutal realities, who cares at all if you can write, or draw or sing - any of the time?

Help Wanted

2009-12-08T06:55:00.001-08:00

Because I have no children living at home and because I sometimes question my self worth, I got to thinking yesterday - what exactly is my job?
K . . . it is my job to . . .

* . . . clean clothes.
* . . . clean the house.
* . . . keep the house smelling like bread, or cookies or baking chicken.
* . . . keep Roberts clothes pressed.
* . . . shop for food and house stuff and not go broke in the process.
* . . . make meals that are more than just nourishment.
* . . . to keep the horses fed, well and exercised..
*. . . take care of three dogs. (a whole list in and of itself.)
*. . . make and keep a budget.
* . . keep in touch with family.
*. . . work on the lawn.
*. . . work the garden.

*I am the only one that can give Robert everything he needs on earth - a smile no matter what, a hug when I don't want to, an ear when I can't figure out what he's talking about, and my thoughts - which feed him. And my prayers. Always my prayers.

This age thing . . . .

2009-11-19T05:19:00.000-08:00

Man oh man, is time starting to warp around me.

Today - walk with Patti, Susie and Carol, go to the store, clean house, buy horse feed, tend farms(!), mow lawn (no, Amy, I haven't done it yet!)

Friday - walk with Carol and Patti, Belly Button Appt., more cleaning, tend farm - - - maybe buy that cow on Country Story! WOOOT!) start to pack, Susan over for dinner and horse ride,

Saturday, - 4 hour trail ride with Emily, Sara and Chello, take horses, feed and BigBlackDog to Corinnas, shower, work farms, dinner with Amy Andy

Sunday - worship, pack for serious now, set up farms to go without me for a week, wait on Robert to get home, go to services, drop off Belly Button lint to the Stewarts, load truck

Monday @ 3am - head off to Missouri.

(*sigh*)

A Slap in the Self Righteousness

2009-11-04T11:34:00.000-08:00

It has occurred to me . . .

-when you have to bite your tongue to keep from saying anything negative . . .

-when you would rather peel puppy skin off a live dog than to spend time with that person . . .

-when you would rather sit at home in front of the computer than go be around the church . . .

-when you can sing 'Sing and Be Happy" with a deadpan face, anxious to beat the baptists to El Castillo but know all the words to "Fly Like an Eagle" and you grin because "that is a great song!" . . .

Then maybe you need to sit back and reevaluate your dedication.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then you realize that if it was easy, Christ wouldn't have had to die. We could've just popped popcorn and watched a movie rather than forcing Him up and into the cross.

I keep forgetting that nothing I go through compares to His life, His patience, His death, His glory.

Shut up and color, Jack.

Dogs

2009-11-02T14:28:00.000-08:00

I have always felt responsible for Baby Blues death.

Baby Blue was the little blue heeler that we got to 'replace' Blue Boy.
1. Never try to replace a beloved pet until you're over the first one.
2. Never expect the replacement to be as good/smart/'lovey' as the original.
3. Dog ARE members of the family. Don't pretend they're 'just stupid dogs.'
4. Make sure you do get a new pet in time. They heal your heart.

Baby Blue loved to trail ride. We were out on the 10 mile ride in August. It was hot like the face of the sun. Baby Blue fell further and further behind, panting hard. Cheri drove by and Baby Blue kept trying to get in her car. I asked her if she could and Cheri told me no . . . her car was clean. She even kicked out at Baby Blue. (Wish I could forget that.)
Fine. So I rode on, making a mental note to go back to pick her up because I was sure she was too hot to keep going. She would sit in the shade for a bit, walk a bit, sit in the shade . . .

So I rode home, unsaddled Tesster, went in, made dinner . . . .
Totally spaced Baby Blue off. She wasn't home at dark. I told myself she was resting. And didn't believe it . . . but it was dark . . what could I do?

Was saddled at 5am the following morning, and took off to 'meet' her. I found her after looking for close to four hours. There were/still are no words to express the guilt I felt, or the regret. Bawling so hard it was hard to see, I took her home, wrapped her in a quilt I'd made and buried her by the tank.

That was 8 years ago. I'd gotten over it. I was cool with Baby Blue.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then Belly Button gets caught under my feet.

Again, there are no words to express how grateful I am that this time, I won't make the same mistake.

Looking Back

2009-10-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

I remember:

*When my hands could clench and hold on.
*When Robby was so sick I had to put drops of water in his mouth every 10 minutes to stop dehydration.
*Blue Boy.
*The way Brandee giggled during her wedding.
*The look on James face when He remembered who I was.
*David Pursch climbing to the top of the bonfire.
*The trampoline at the farm - popcorn and shooting stars.
*Being able to run.
*Singing with Jamie, Carl, Rob, Jarred, Erin, Dana, Sean, David, Julie, Lauren, Amy, Andy, Lee, Darla, Robert . . . "We Shall Assemble . . . ". "Love one another, for love is of God. He who loves is . . . ", "I am the only one to blame for this . . ."
*Jarred's prayers when he was three.
*Dufus Kitty.
*Erin's shock when she found out I didn't celebrate Halloween.
*Finding mercy in the middle.
*Tamera Coopers shout across the pews.
*The look on Amy's face while I cried.
*Robby's ache to believe.
*Darla painting Christmas ornaments while we talked.
*Jaci's smile when she rode Chief.
*The feeling in my stomach when I signed the papers on the farm.
*Dana's questions on Sunday mornings.
*Jarred's eyes in September.
*The smell of frying chicken.
*The first time I rode the Tesster.
*Jamie's realization.
*Regret.
*Cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning.
*Alice Lester's hug.
*Sarah's tears.
*Robert dead asleep, feeling my icy hand and pulling it to his chest without waking.

The mind is a nutso place. Silly things - not in any way connected . . yet binging inside my head relentlessly. Don't you hate it when that happens?

Wednesday Class

2009-10-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

I don't know If I'm able to put this into words.

I think the worst thing that a person can do is go through life without anyone really knowing them. Is there anything harder for the soul to bear?

Case in point: Class tonight. I was teaching.

Christ came into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey,
. . . people cheering (a military king)
. . . people laying palm leaves before him (in a patriotic show of encouragement)
. . . the roman army watching (because they were waiting for a riot)
. . . the city laying before Him. And He cried.

Because He wasn't a military king, and He wasn't ready to lay it all down for Israel alone, and He wasn't there to march into the temple, and Jerusalem was 40 years away from collapse.

No one knew. No one listened. No one heard Him.

He rode amidst a crowd that cheered it's sacrificial Lamb.

Cheered.

They didn't know. They hadn't a clue. He told them and told them. Scourging, humiliation, beatings - "Go, lamb, go!" Nails and blood and sour wine . . . Totally innocent.

He stayed on that donkey while they cheered.

Joel 2:25

2009-10-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I honestly never got to do much of anything I wanted. Forth of five kids, farm and two working parents . . . nope, I was low on the totem pole. I pretty much worked (or pretended to) all of my childhood. And while I would never voice it, I resented it big time.

I also didn't get much of anything I wanted. Forth of five . . . I didn't get new clothes, toys were few and far between or even candy I liked (when I got candy). There were 7 pork chops for 7 people. There was one plop of mashed potatoes, a spoonful of green beans. That was it. I don't think I really understood what a desert was the whole time I grew up. I was never satisfied . . and man, did I resent that.

I was the one who bore the brunt of being 4th of 5. Cheri had it worse, but I had my share. Mike was sadistic, Cindy was selfish, Nada was mean and mom and dad were occupied. I tried to be invisible, except when I wasn't. And I paid for that.

I was lost in a crowd - the funny one who cooked. I looked into the world of acceptance with envy, but I looked silently. I stayed out of the way and hopefully out of sight of tired parents and bored siblings. And that was the way it was supposed to be, right?

God told Joel: "I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten . . . " Joel 2:25

And He did.

Robert.
Rob.
Jarred
Jaci
Brandee
James
Kaia
Julie
Ava
Jocelyn
A weight problem, horses to ride, friends who worry and love on me, four devoted dogs . . .

and a Savior that ached to comfort me the whole time.

Falling Book After Midnight

2009-10-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

There are noises in the house tonight.

I have, in fact been hearing the sound of people speaking, all jumbled and in-distinctive . . . almost as if an old radio has been left on in the attic.

The dogs don't react to anything. Robert falls asleep in 90 seconds.

My sensibilities scorn me, my soul remembers what happened before.

So many things we can't know.

And have no wish to learn.

A Reflection

2009-10-17T15:50:00.001-07:00

I think I've made God too small.

In my defense, how can I begin to understand what He is? How can I begin to grasp a God who listens to the cries of adoration from grains of sand? He makes the wind sigh in security . . . how can I actually perceive that?

I am below the bottom. I am unable to look toward God with my eyes jammed shut and my fists clinched over my lids. I know this. I accept this. To imagine living within the span of His residence? To actually conceive of climbing on His lap, burying my face in His shoulder?

and then . . .

then I do "accept it". Take it for granted. Flippantly profess the power that is the God.

How can You stand me?

I see nothing. You, my God, are too far above. Too far to touch, but close enough to save.

Really?

2009-10-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

I wrote a chick yesterday who had stated that she believed that Glenn Beck should be fired - should, in fact, be shot as a traitor because of his views on the present administration.

God was so with me when I wrote her, asking if she'd ever really listened to him. And then told her that while she might not agree with him, she must, as an American, respect his right to say it.

She wrote back that she had heard him all the time (being a radio personality). He was a radical idiot who would lead this country to violence - then he'd be accountable for his words. She compared his show to the 'War of the Worlds' scare.

Really?

How stupid do these people think we are? Did they really think we'd stay in our homes, sheltered and stupid? Do they really think that people like me base our beliefs on a single radio personality? They can't think that, can they? They can't think that we're so ignorant.

. . and then,

. . . maybe they honestly believe that - if they think we will sit idly by. And if we do that, they'd be right, I guess.

* sigh *

2009-10-09T15:40:00.001-07:00

Even Saturday night live acknowledges that he has done NOTHING . . .

. . . . and then . . .

And then he gets the Nobel peace prize.

Guess this rules out any help for the troops in Afghanistan.

A Revelation

2009-10-05T09:58:00.001-07:00

The farms are closing down.

Because when you spend that much time in front of the computer, you're not spending time doing other stuff.

Like cleaning the house to make Robert smile.
Like helping Stamo.
Like praying for these people who're lost.
Like praying for my family.
Like playing with my dogs.
Like riding my horses.
The list is endless.

At last I've learned that there is life waiting to be lived off the computer.

Psalm 139:17-18

2009-09-30T08:06:00.000-07:00

In Bible study last night we had to rewrite Psalm 139. Here is what I got for :17-18:

"You never forget me.
You dwell on me constantly.
I wish I could count the times You think of me.
I open my eyes and there You are - - - waiting for me to wake up and be with You."

Thanks James.

Estate Sale

2009-09-25T10:09:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, there were objects in the house that brought certain memories to the fore instantly - the pink thing, the roast pan, the picture of those mountains . . .

There are objects in my house full of memories as well. What they will say about me one day?

The apple bowl - Will people remember I always made the ranch in that?

the green angled egg plate - Will people remember my eggs that I brought to all the potlucks?

"Two Cows Under Mesquite Lit by Moonlight and Fireflies" - Will people grin at my silly art?

The cast iron pan with the wooden handle - Will Rob and Jarred remember the fried chicken?

. . . or will they all end up in an estate sale, people haggling over 75 cents.

What will be the things that my sons, my daughters-in-law, my sisters, my friends will want to take with them to remind them of me when I'm gone?

Wow. Heavy thoughts for a Friday.

Denver Mornings

2009-09-23T08:56:00.000-07:00

When I was in Denver, every morning I would sit in bed while it was still dark and thank God - for that weather, for the birds out the window, for the fact that I got to spend time with Jaci and Jarred and the kids and then, faintly, would come:

"Oo . .. Ooo . . Oomah? You wakin?"

Turning my head to the left, there would be James, careful in his excitement that I might get up any second. Typing this, I am smiling and my eyes are filling.

I miss that bud.

From Colorado to Texas

2009-09-12T21:36:00.000-07:00

I sit here, waiting for the Ambien CR to kick in, listening to Robert "breathe heavy', and to the cold rain that falls outside. It's 46 degrees. Tomorrow I leave for home.

Why have I been here? What has been accomplished?

How in the world has been only 3 weeks here in Colorado? Time has flown. I have fallen even more in love with Jah, JooLee, and Jocey (a fact that I wouldn't have believed possible before now), solidified my love for Jarred, and was able to link up with Jaci like I never have before - she let me in for the smallest amount of time - I realized that I love her not just because she's the mother to my babies, but because she's Jaci, and I am getting to know her -the person. I love to be around these people. It physically hurts to think of not having them in the house.

. . . and then . . .

I am so nuts about Robert. I see how much Pleasanton, and all the humidity, grass burrs and needy animals mean to me. It has been aeon's since I went there. I realize the power of home so acutely. Those people . . those ties . . . It physically thrills me to think of opening the door to those dumb dogs, who will fight to own me again.

What has been accomplished?

Everything.

Sept 2

2009-09-04T22:10:00.001-07:00

Time tumbles down a bottomless black hole.

And you can't climb back out.

A Walk With Jocey

2009-09-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes Jocelyn doesn't want me to hold her hand. She shoots ahead, practically pushing me aside. When she falls, she looks back to me, accepts my hand and ten minutes later, I am pushed aside again.

Sometimes I don't give her a choice. Crossing streets are dangerous - the hill is too steep. I tell her: "Baby, if you'd just let me carry you, it would be so much easier, so much safer." But mostly I let her push me away. She needs to learn. How will she ever run if I hold her all the time?

This is, of course a direct correlation back to me and God. A perfect analogy of how I treat my Father.

But now, thanks to grand kids, I see it from a whole new view. "Jackie, if you'd just let me carry you, it would be so much easier, so much safer."

And I push Him away.

An Unveilling

2009-08-18T13:12:00.000-07:00

Today I realized something. It hit me so hard, it was difficult to drive. Was at BAMSE again. Surrounded by all those people. Laughing, sneering, grumbling into cell phone, rolling their eyes at an old man in front of them . . .

Me - my actions, my words, my facial features, my body language, me . . I might be the shot these people get at Christ. Who He is. What He offers. How He aches to gather them as close as He gathers me.

Sobering. Really sobering when you consider:

". . . I don't feel like it."
" . . . it's not 'Me"
". . . But I don't want to!"

Can you honestly stand on eternity and see all the chances you had while standing in fount of God? Before Christ?

Get over it, Jackie. You are the only person Christ can use. You are important. You are vital.

An astounding revelation given my past.

God knew the Whole time

2009-08-07T10:57:00.000-07:00

Let's call a spade a spade, shall we?

Since when did my wants override everything, everyone, even God?

Isiah 47:8 "I am. And there is no one besides me."
"I AM - and there is NO one besides me."

Ray is so right. The world is bitterly lost in itself.

The Written Word

2009-08-05T20:03:00.000-07:00

I didn't kill my wife.
I didn't KILL my wife.
I didn't kill MY wife.
I didn't kill my WIFE..

The written word is a dangerous thing.

A Psalm

2009-07-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

Father, I am so frightened. But not for me, but rather for this land.

We are moving so far from what was once. A thief of intimidation has put his foot in the door and now is forcing his way in. He mocks the very ideals that put him in the position that now gives him power.

We were built on the foundation of freedom. Like a rock in the shoe of the world, we demanded freedom from the highest hill. And brought it to rest with an exausted sigh, worthy of esteem.

Now to be bullied into submission. Now to be silenced by a needy crowd of dogs. Now to be torn apart because we have stood by our word, our beliefs, our honor.

Everyone sees, but no one perceives. They all hear exactly what they wish.

For You know. Only you can know.

Never has Your role seemed so clear.

Poor Sap

2009-07-21T11:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the work day of the week - heavy work day outside. I moved panels, moved horses, moved the obstacle course pieces, mowed the front, used the weed eater out front (got fire ants thrown into my shirt for my trouble . . they stung me twice), put the obstacle stuff back, watered the backyard, pulled the weeds from the flagstone . . . pretty much a smelly, make you-grin-cause-you-got-so-much-accomplished- kind of day.

Robert comes in and calls me to come outside. He then points to the flowers in my color garden and says; "When was the last time these got water?"

He was getting on to me. Like I was 8.

"Well, golly, officer, I have no idea how that lawn mower ended up on top of that guy . . ."

Good Name for a Book

2009-07-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

So here Cheri is, all lonely, a week off work and desperate to ride. Because I really can't because of the heat, Jackie is the good sister and loads panels, horse, feed and hay into the trailer and loans out Chief to my sister for a week.

Chief (Fee-Boy-Pride-&-Joy-Playtime-Toy), the good horse. The sweet horse. The follow you like a dog horse. The "Reason-I-am trying-to re-breed-Tesster-because-he's- so-awesome" horse.

Yeah. Okay . . right . . . .

Chief, the one who screamed for 12 hours straight. The one who tired to jump out of a 5 foot paneled pen. The one who bolted and would not be stopped for a quarter mile. The one who spooked so high and hard, my sister (who is a batter rider than I) almost came off. The one who tried to bite her when they got home.

Yeah. That one. The one I bragged on until I was off the ground with pride.

If you wanna learn humility, buy a horse.

Ah, man!

2009-07-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I learned the hard way that I can't handle heat anymore.

Got a lot done on Saturday (and it certainly had nothing to do with selling/promoting the book). It was 104 degrees. My face was as red as a tomato, heart racing, stomach stuff, headache, disorientation, exhausted . . . . I stayed in the shade as much as I could and drank waters but . . .

But come on! It's been 4 days and I 'm still really slowed because of the headache.

Anyhow, here comes Ray and Nell out of the store and they notice that I'm less than my usual self.
Ray looked at Tesst and said: "Must be bad for the horse too, huh?"
I told him; "Ray, she's fine. She is just a horse."
To which he smiled and replied; "I didn't think you knew that, Jackie."

24

2009-06-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

re watching all the '24's from season 1.

Man, I'd forgotten how much I couldn't stand Kim.

And Terri ain't much better.

Jack was such a wimp in season 1.

Relativity

2009-06-24T11:01:00.000-07:00

Everything, EVERYTHING is relative.

76 degrees is hot, until you come back in from 108.

My hands hurt like the devil, until there is a chance I might lose that hand.

Horses are a lot of work until you smell their hide.

Grand kids are noisy and messy until they're not there to make noise and messes.

The Bible is boring sometimes until you receive a true response from God.

Praying for someone is tedious sometimes until you see the results of that prayer.

Loving Robert is common everyday stuff until he grabs my cold hand in his sleep to get me warm.

Summer

2009-06-22T19:03:00.000-07:00

The heat is here early this year.

The oven that is my home usually holds back for late July, August and September. Those are times that makes one hide inside, shutters down, fan oscillating, air conditioner whining. Those are the times you do not smile as you pay the electric bill. But, honestly, what choices are you offered? 76 degrees or 110? There is no option.

But summer came in early this year. The power of heat is almost scary. It snakes around the trees, suffocating in it's brutality. There is no way to be free of it. There is no way to endure it. How in the world did settlers ever decide to stop here? What was there about South Texas that lured people who ached to farm? How could those people survive? And how did they find the devotion to fight and kill for this land?

The temperature rises. And it's a month early.

Sunday

2009-06-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

Jade walks a trail from the girls room, to James room, outside, then back, her ears down, her eyes watchful. She's looking for the kids, of course. She sneaks in and sleeps on Jame's bed and lays on the sheets from JooJoo's.

With a slow, painful kind of resignation, she limps back to me, pushing her head under my hand, staring up with puzzled eyes.

She's just a dog with questions.
"Where did they go?"
"Did they forget me?"
"Are they coming back?"
"Jackie, you aren't leaving too, are you?"

I understand the beauty of dogs more each passing year.

Friday's comin.

2009-06-17T14:00:00.001-07:00

Today I looked up and it was 4 o'clock.

How did it get so late so fast? Time is speeding forward. Like swirling water down the drain, my time is gone with these guys. When I first had them, it seemed like the day they would be gone was far away. Now it's not.

I think I'll go give them some candy.

JooJoo

2009-06-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

So here I am, hearing Julie doing something she's not supposed to. So I tell her; "Julie, you need to go into the living room.
Not missing a beat, she says; "Oo-mah, you need to work your farm."

HA!!

James

2009-06-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

This morning, I was laying in bed, in and out of sleep when I felt a gentle caress through my hair. Smiling, I opened my eyes to James, grinning back at me.

So I pulled him up in the bed and we talked about the swimming we were going to do later. He talked quietly, letting me wake up. Then we went out and fed the horses together. When we got back, Julie and Jocey were up, waiting for me to come into their room. They were both smiling.

I am so going to miss these guys.

Slow Thursday

2009-06-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

It's allergy time at the Hutton house. Runny noses, sneeze, sore throats and grumpville. So it's a Pinkie Dinky Do morning. Chillin and blowing noses. I should be making them lay down, chicken noodle soup . .

. . . but swimming is still on! I'm a horrible grandmother.

A Day in the Life

2009-06-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

"Oo-mah! Jj' told me no!
"Oo-mah, Watch!
"UUUUEEEEE" (Jocelyn: "Nellie!")
"Oo-mah, Watch!
"Oo-mah. I want to ride my big wheel.
"UUUUEEEEE!!" (Jocelyn: "Look! It is Chief.")
"Oo-mah! I hurt me feet."
"Oo-mah! Killt'a'bug!"
"Oo-mah!
"Eeee yahhh." (Jocelyn: "I need attention and I need it now.")
Oo-mah! I don't want to ride my tricycle!)
"Oo-mah! I need to go to Bible class!"
"Aaaagh!" (Jocelyn: "I believe there is mucus in my nostrils. Perhaps you could assist?")

. . .and then . . .

,. . .then I took some Xanex. Two of em.

That Jaci. Wadda woman.

Jocelyn

2009-06-08T11:35:00.000-07:00

Jocelyn doesn't like a lot of noise. Or attention from strange people. Consequently, I am holding her all the time. My back just throbs - it's an age thing.

At church, I'd finally managed to get Jocelyns attention off me for a second - she actually walked off with Emily Norwood and Ajane Powell. So I'm standing there, talking to Jamie, (or maybe it was Kara, or maybe it was Dralena or Amy - - crud, I donno). Anyhow, I hear Julies unmistakable laughter. She and James were up front, playing for all they were worth. They both saw Jocelyn coming toward them and laughed and squealed. Jocey stopped, shook off the girls and began to boogie in place, laughing as well.

These guys are so cool.

Bedtime

2009-06-07T06:23:00.000-07:00

Every night, when the play is all done, the baths are all over and we four (Me, James, Julie and Jocelyn) turn towards bed.

They used to cry. Now, they hurry because I tell them a story. They were too young before to understand and listen. Now?

Now Julie whispers back everything I describe to her about the princess that lives in a castle playing with birds. James giggles out out in excitement when I describe the little boy (who just happens to be his age and size and even has his name) who holds on to the fin of a whale while they fly out of the water. They both shoot sparks out of their eyes, asking me questions about each story. And always, always tell me they love me without any prompting from me at all. Julie said last night: "Oo-mah. I am really happy." And even Jocelyn, who cannot possibly understand, smiles and lays right down. They always wake up laughing.

Man, I love this age.

Man, I love these guys.

Wadda Man!

2009-06-04T07:32:00.001-07:00

Brymer is off to be "married" to Patti's little long haired chihuahua. Yeah, I'm pimping him out to a younger woman - she's 2. And thinks he's hot. Brymer, of course, still thinks he's 2. Which means he'll end up having another stroke. But I don't think he'd mind. Wadda way to go.

Man, I hope he still has some live sperm in there.

The Beaner

2009-06-03T07:17:00.000-07:00

Well, the pit of my stomach is now right around my ankles.

Last night we were fixing to go to bed. Robert asked me to let out Brymer and Nellie and Jade while he threw hay to the horses. Nellie was up in his chair. She moved towards me and laid up against the pillow on her right side. Her head was cocked to the left, her tongue was out.

I know that posture. She was having a stroke. I held her while it happened then took her outside . She walked bad to the left. Her head was locked. And while she came out of it fairly quickly - much faster than Brymer did, still, she was groggy. I felt like the world was collapsing in toward my belly.

This dog is going to die. The clock is ticking for both her and Brymer. What will I do? They're just dogs. Just stupid little dogs . . .

What am I going to do?

Farmer Jackie

2009-06-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

So there I was, harvesting grapes on my Face book Farm and Jocelyn comes in, all cute and tugging on my leg. I told her I'd be a minute, then we'd play. And then comes an: "Oo-mah! Could you com're and help me pweease?" And I say, "Just a second, Joo-Joo." And then I hear a; "Lookit this, Oo-mah!" and I say, "James, just give me a second, baby."

. . . and then . . .

And then I remember that I only get theses guys for a short time. Then they're gone. What would I give to go back and play with Jarred and Ruby . . . just once?

Remember when I took off my watch? It's still in the trailer I think. Now I'm putting the Farm to sleep. And I'm headed to the trampoline with my darlings.

Gag!

2009-05-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

I had to put in ear plugs last night. Jade decided to do some . . . cleaning of her "special girl parts".

I just wish she hadn't gotten in to it so loud.

The Great Work of Art

2009-05-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

There are those who would sit with quiet contentment in the putrid filth of this world because it is easier. Smelly, yes. Dangerous, yes. Teeming with horrific bacteria no doubt.

But the stopping spot is soft. It's close. It requires little effort. While it does not encourage a piece of anything that might constitute a smile, neither does it attack so as to ignite passion. Just apathetic people looking toward each other, searching to find any words that would justify such sloth.

Making the silent slip into the quick sand of depression with almost no effort. Usless lumps of humanity - a credit to the master of the world.

It's compelling for the young.Why do they never see that?

Wow. I got deep all of the suddens. I should be in politics.

Tick Tock

2009-05-16T17:13:00.000-07:00

When I got to Kiellen, I looked at my watch. Did I have time to ride? What time should I get back? It was then I looked at my arm where my watch goes. The skin was snow white and super soft. The rest of my arm was brown. I got to thinking about how much time I spent checking time.

How much more time until the sermon is over?
When is it 8:30 so I can go to sleep?
I can only stay 20 minutes, then I have to get to church.
Is it time for the sermon to be over yet?
How much more time do I have to get this done before I have to be somewhere else for 10 minutes?
Hurry! We can't be late.
We don't have to leave yet . . it's too early.
Man! the baptists are gonna beat me to El Castillo now!

So I took the watch off. For all I know, it's still by the sink in the trailer.

Time is minutes lived, not minutes of time.

His name is Daniel

2009-05-12T10:16:00.000-07:00

Sitting in the 2nd phase of a long wait at Brooks Army Medical Center, I was just a touch touchy yesterday.

Had an appointment. The thing took 2 hours, THEN I had to wait for labs then for x-rays, then for prescriptions. It was a less than happy day, but I kept remembering that I am the only chance some of these people might get to see Christ (Oversaved), so I was cheerful and friendly to everyone - even little kids (she says with a touch of pride).

He wheeled up to the changing room of the x-ray, a young guy about 25. He had no legs. They were gone mid thigh on both sides. Everyone (except me) did their best to look away, or smile nervously. But I just couldn't. I asked him if he'd served in Afghanistan, and he said no, he'd been in Iraq. I smiled and said, "People just don't get it, do they?" He began to talk as if I'd opened a floodgate.

He'd been active duty for 13 years. This was his first tour in Iraq. February 18, 2009 an IUD had exploded under his jeep. His buddy only had his knee missing, but they were trying to save it. He had no problem, ". . . except this." he gestured to his legs.

The nurse told me that I was cleared to go, and I stood and asked to shake his hand. "Sir, could I have your name?" I asked. Surprised, he took my hand and stammered, "Daniel. My name is Daniel." Trying not to cry, I told him that I was honored to be in the same area he was in.

As I left, I told him, "I'm sure you hear that a lot, but it's true. I am more than honored to meet you and shake your hand." He smiled a puzzled smile. "No," he said. "I don't hear it."

That Amy!

2009-05-10T11:51:00.000-07:00

After reading Amy's blog, I figured I could put off another horse blog. (I heard that sigh of relief, Rob!)

To 'my' moms:

Barbara: Who will make you think stuff all the way through, no matter what she has to say to get you there. She so loves me.

Jaci: Who else would get a dog the size of JoJo when you already have three toddlers? The 'Patience' chick. She loves me.

Brandee: Who will forever be laid back. . . will she survive? Regardless of whether she does or not, that Kaia/Ava are amazing kids. I make her love me.

Amy: Who never seems to get in over her head - so gently in control. How I envy that! And for all my life, she will love me.

Jennifer: Who is loving every second of her new life and it shows in her glow. She loves to see me.

Kara: Who consistently won't let Ajane get the better of her - no matter how hard Ajane tries. She would like to pretend that she's indifferent, but that's not true. She thinks I'm adorable.

Darla: Who watches and treads with tenacious strength. Your children speak of your wisdom. I have never doubted her love, only missed being around it.

Jean: Who I never understood but am beginning to realize was flawed just as any human. And finally I am seeing past that. Perhaps . . just maybe, she did love me in her way.

. . and then . .

The Tesster: Who allowed Robert and I to be there through Major, Peanut and Chief. Who made that soft loving rumble heard only at birth, with me beside her. Who never let Chief get away with a thing. Who loves me still . . even past the feed.

One for the New Book

2009-05-07T14:53:00.001-07:00

Chief and I stood at the foot of a hill that towered above us at about a 40 degree angle. It was strewn with rocks, gravel, cats claw and more rocks. Should we go for the top, following the faint trail where few had tried or take the safer, less direct route through the wooded trail? The woods were prettier, safer and it was just him and I. The wise rider wouldn't be standing here, debating. I would be doing it if I was on the Tesster.

We headed up it, of course. Chief was pushing for all he was worth, slipping on the rocks, gravel and clods of dirt flying down the slope behind. I was forward, giving him all the rein he needed. He was at such an angle, I could have reached down and touched the ground. I looked up and all there was was the blue of the sky and a line of the horizon.

Then, Of course, about 3/4ths of the way up, I panicked when I looked back and pulled him up. He twisted hard to the right, pivoting around so that his hind end was now facing the sky. He lost his footing and just almost went down, his chin hitting the ground. I swerved to the left, grabbing the saddle horn as I dropped the reins so he could regain his balance. He did, somehow, and we stumbled down the hill. I took the longer route. It took me another hour to get back, although I loped most of it.

When I got back to camp, I was taking off the saddle. The latigo strap fell off in my hand. (The latigo is the strap that holds the saddle on the horse around the girth). The leather that held it to the saddle had rotted and snapped. The only thing that kept it around the horse was my weight and Chiefs sweat. I had been riding, essentially, without a saddle.

Either I am a REALLY good rider or God was REALLY busy.

I'm goin with the latter.

Mon - thursday

2009-05-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

I'm betting money we don't make it to Kileen next week. Robert was so 'over-timed' because of an inspection that they spent 6 months sweating over. Now, with nothing looming, he is still in at 5:30a, gone until 9p and then on the computer the rest of the night. He says he's gonna make it for Monday through Thursday next week . . .but, come on.

I'm thinking I'm going to have to learn how to back that trailer.

Idle Thought.

2009-04-29T10:04:00.000-07:00

Had a super morbid thought: What if the reason Robert is gone all the time is God's way of preparing me for something.

Kinda not encouraging, huh?

Dodge ball

2009-04-27T11:27:00.001-07:00

satan isn't stupid. He knows that if he can just get people to 'buy the moment' instead of what lies down the road, he's got'em.

When I was a kid, I played dodge ball. You know the game; two teams, facing each other throwing balls at each other. If they hit you, you're out. If you catch their thrown ball, they're out. First team that is out of players, loses.

So here I am, playing in elementary. I caught the ball, and didn't want to give up the ball. I caught another. This was great. I was super dodge ball girl. My team was telling me to give them the balls so they could fire back, but I was going to prove I could catch three. Which I didn't. When I got hit, all three balls popped way up and back to the opposing team. Not only was I out, I had given the enemy the advantage.

I sit here, hopelessly watching people make decisions that they WILL regret. And they will regret them with horrible, angry tears. They realize this . . maybe dimly, but with surety. But they do it anyhow. Life changing, 'affect way more than themselves' decisions that they trust to emotion. The world hangs in the balance of the ". . . feelings they have deep inside." The future is not important up next to their feelings, wants etc . . .

And the prowling lion watches, and waits and pounces. He's not stupid. And he sees further than his nose.

I Have No Cute Titles For This One

2009-04-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

So here we are, taking the Tesster to Houston to meet her 'man' and we're exiting onto the Sam Houston Toll Road. Traffic is stopped cold. "Oh no!" I gasp (as Robert hits the brakes and the trailer with Tesster pushes the truck.) "It's an accident!!! I hope every one's OK!"

We are fixing to get out to help and we see this dog, a pit bull with an old piece of twine, being pushed out of a car.

Pushed out of a car on the one lane road up to Sam Houston toll Road!!!

After shoving the poor thing out of the car, she (it was a woman) guns it and is gone. The dog, confused and scared out of his mind drops to his chest, too afraid to move.

We were going to go pick him up, but a guy in front of us beat us to it. No, he didn't get the plate number.

It absolutely ruined the trip, the day, probably the week.

I came home and loved all over Jade.

A Story.

2009-04-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

Kelly meets and decides to hang with a guy into drugs and sex . . . ie; 'Scummy Thug.' Her mom (Cheri) allows it because - *"What can I do? If I say anything she'll leave."

Kelly gets busted for drugs. Cheri bails her out, not even sure what the charges are because (see* above). Jackie comes in to help with money so she can pull herself out.

Kelly falls 'in love' with thug (see #1). Cheri lets them stay in her house because (*) Jackie asks for rent money because Cheri can't afford to live on her own much less pull 2 extra people. But thug is jobless and Kelly is lazy. (*)

Kelly always has money for cigarettes/beer, but Cheri's money keeps coming up 'lost'. (*) Jackie has a hissy and begins to take money daily from Cheri so it won't have the chance to get 'lost'.

Kelly goes to jail. Cheri finds a way to bail her out and welcomes Kelly and thug back with relief, because (*) Jackie puts in extra cash to pay for the electricity bill that is skimped because of the bail thing.

Kelly gets pregnant. Cheri is overjoyed because now there is food stamp money. Jackie tells both that I don't mind paying for the food and pregnancy, if Kelly will get her GED and look further than her nose. It falls, of course on deaf ears.

Kelly goes back to jail.Cheri makes a firm stand - "You'll have to find a way to pay for all of it yourself." she states, then asks Kelly to please clean up the dog poo that is all over the floor. Kelly is there all day every day, Cheri works. It stinks (literally and figurativley) to Cheri, but, hey . . .(*) Jackie is proud of Cheri, until Cheri allows all of Kelly and her friends who are 'in desperate times' to come live and eat at her house. (They don't clean as well, incidentally). And there is, after all, the food stamps.

Kelly gets beat up by thug again. Cheri tells her that thug is no longer welcome in house, but Kelly is. If she turns her out, (*).

Kelly calls police to come get thug after he tries to kill her and the unborn baby, telling her, in fact; "You're both dead." Cheri is proud of Kelly. Jackie is proud of Kelly and sets up a course of action to get Kelly in GED classes and into a college to get her degree in the beautician thing. Kelly seems resigned.

Kelly drops charges because she's in love. Cheri realizes that thug is here for a while and is powerless to do anything (*) Kelly has lost all interest in GED and college. The thug wants her home to take care of their baby.

Kelly moves in with thug. Cheri's alone.

Baby is born. Cheri is overjoyed.

Baby has needs. Cheri is desperate to help because (*). Enter Jackie once again.

And I'm showing Christ - how?

Ruby is Coming Home!

2009-04-17T06:23:00.001-07:00

Talked to Rob yesterday and he's on his way back to Brandee! Been gone since forever. Now he gets to squeeze on that Kaia and try to catch that Ava. And Brandee gets to say; "Your turn."

The sound of his voice . . .the knowledge of how it will be (because I have been there a few times) . . . man!

I can't stop smiling.

This is Gonna Sound Really Negative

2009-04-15T06:26:00.000-07:00

About class last night . . .

People really don't want to see the real you. No matter what they say, they are relieved/content with the facade you convey. If you come at them with someone who is different from what they expect it's all about "What's wrong?" and "Are you okay?" and very definite moves away from your person.

I'm not convinced that that is a bad thing. Shouldn't the truth lie only with you and God? Isn't He the only One who can really handle 'Jackie'? Why make people uncomfortable? Why? - if you love them and you love Him?

Okay, Jenn, you can let me have it.

The Wall

2009-04-13T10:20:00.000-07:00

Is there really any way to change a part of yourself you don't like? I mean, a part of you that makes you 'You' that bothers you? Can this square peg become round somehow?

I act the way I don't want to act . . . I can't seem to be able to stop doing stuff that I KNOW is wrong . . I hurt people who do not deserve such treatment . . . I beg God to help me stop it and He is silent. It is truly a wall that I hit . . three miles up and 20 across with the ground crumbling behind me. How can I even think I am in hope of any Hope?

I feel like the end of Romans 7.

The Results

2009-04-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

Besides some other things, the MRI/CT scan stated that I should not be riding. I should not even get on a bike, much less a horse. I should, in fact, sell the horses that I ride and keep only the mini's who pull a buggy.

I scoffed at these finding, however. Just exactly who am I if not 'The Horse Lady'?

Then came the 16 mile ride in on 281. Then Bandera. Then the 10 mile.

Following fast on the heels of these came the tramadol. The Xanex. The Motrin.

Stop riding? In 10 years I'll be 58. In 20 years, Tesster will be 34. Chief will be 24. I'll not have this time back. Life is too short to put off what's important for a little thing like pain. And walking.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then comes the knowlege that there will be no more back to back rides. Ever.

This would be why I'm Feeding Them

2009-04-01T17:08:00.000-07:00

I get to do something I haven't done in about 5 years on Friday. I get to ride with Donna Seabers. We're trailering down to the San Antonio River and following 37 back up to Pleasanton. I'll be riding Chief - who hasn't been really ridden in about 7 or 8 months and she'll be on Oreo who hasn't been ridden at least that long. Chief is the son of Tesster and Oreo is the daughter of Poquita - for those of you who've read my book.

They'll be snotty, jumpy and Donna and I will be together again. Then on Saturday, we're going to Bandera with Chello, Ray and Cheri. Another day of riding.

I'll be sore but a little euphoric.

Too much brochilli

2009-03-30T12:22:00.001-07:00

One of the nicest things about being at home all day is listening to noises around the house. Birdsong, wind through the trees, Nellie snoring and Jade passing gas.

Honest. Here I was, all contented, ready to write a new blog when I hear this impressive 'expulsion' from Jade. She's horrible!

A thought

2009-03-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

When I see a cloud on the horizon, I think: "Please rain! Please rain."
Nothin. I sigh.
When I hear that there's a 20% chance of rain I think; "Please let us be in that 20%"
Nothin. I sigh.
When I see 80% chance of rain I think; "Please don't miss us! "
Nothin. I sigh.
When I see a huge thunderstorm barreling toward Atascosa county, I think: "Please don't divide over us and miss us!"
. . and then, nothin. I sigh again.
Can't we get a break, God?

Is that how God thinks while He waits for my voice in prayer?
"Please, Jackie!"
"Please just give Me a little chance, Jackie."
"Jackie, I right here. I'm HERE!"
"Jackie, don't go to the stupid world when you could come right at Me."
I've died to give you a break, Jackie. Why do you consistently ignore that?"

The thought of my Father sighing, "Nothing." gives me serious pause.

A Tale of the Tail

2009-03-23T06:37:00.000-07:00

So I'm riding on Thursday and my bottom hurts like crazy. About 2 hours in to the ride, Tesster is trying to stop because she's tired. I have to keep pushing her with my hips/legs. So the pain was expected.

I had to keep hooking my leg over the saddle horn - first left, then right to relieve the pain of it. I effectively rode 'sidesaddle' for a long time. Bet I looked pretty dorky. the weird thing was that my sore hind end usually goes into this numb stage. But it didn't.

When I get off the horse (7 1/2 hours later) Chello says; "Miss Jackie, your new saddle rubbed red all over your jeans." That was just peachy. Of course I used a new pair of jeans that day. The red spot was about 4 inches round - obviously I had sweat and it caused the irritation. So I was in unreal pain AND wearing a new pair of ruined jeans. I was MAD.

So as soon as I got in the shower I noticed that the water on my hiney HURT. It was then that I discovered that there was a big popped blister there. The red on the jeans was blood and water - not dye. No wonder the pain was so persistent.

But other than that . . .

Finally . . .

2009-03-18T16:44:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo! Headed to Floresville tomorrow to trail ride! It's a all 'day'er' with Chello. I'm wimping out and taking Tesster instead of Chief. 25 miles and the guy hasn't been ridden in, like, forever. I figured besides saving his tendons, it would save my hiney. You have to go through downtown Pleasanton the last part of the ride. He'd freak no matter what. So I'll saddle Tesster.

I've wanted to do this for about 8 years. I think I'm just about done with putting things off.

Ruby

2009-03-17T06:08:00.001-07:00

We were at the lock in on Sunday night and Robert and I were laughing so hard that it made me cough. Andrew was acting like Andrew - he was smart alec, with the jokes flying a million miles an hour and he was so adorably cute while he did it. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to cough up a lung.

Because it was Robby. It was SO Robby from when he was 16. Rob used to be able to make me laugh like no one else could. He's 28 today. Although he's grown up and has these kids that I love like crazy, I can't seem to let go of that kid who was so funny and cute at the same time.

Man, I miss that kid. Andrew reminded me of that on Sunday night.

He always was Ruby - my 'priceless gem'.

Rambling . . .

2009-03-15T14:46:00.000-07:00

Got 2 birds - 'Lemon' and 'Lime'. They're green and yellow - go figure. I'm not sure if I like them. Wish I could give them to the grand kids. Kaia and Ava? Wait, then I'd have to buy some for James, Julie and Jocelyn. Never mind . . . their dog would eat them. Guess Kaia and Ava win.

It drives me absolutely buggie that I am walking and working and cutting back on food and I can't seem to lose weight. Honest injun - I walk Jade 3 miles a day, do extra work outside with the house and horses, won't eat late and have been eating more lean stuff and vegetables . . and nothing. I lose 2 lbs and gain 2 pounds no matter what I do. It drives me crazy.

I'm going to take Tornado to the Rachleys' tomorrow and have buggy rides. Carol is bringing her miniature horse and buggy as well. The gang is down from San Angelo. That will be a blast! We get to walk 80 thousand miles - good. I'll gain 2 pounds.

Am riding from Floresville to home on Thursday with Chello. It's about 25 miles. Should take us about 6 hours - probably more. I'm riding Chief and Chello will be on the Tesster. We're packing lunches and I'll buy lots of tootsie rolls. Woo hoo - I'm betting on gaining at least 3 on that one.

Finished 'Battlestar Galaticia' and 'Heroes' - - now we're watching '24' like crazy, and isn't that season 5 AWESOME? I can feel myself losing 2 pounds as we speak.

Have the horse show this Friday. Get to trailer to Seguin with Sarah, Emily, Robert, Hercules and Tornado. It's gonna be a really busy week. Good. I needed to gain the 2 pounds.

Well . . .DUH!

2009-03-09T17:09:00.001-07:00

Had to paint the bedroom - it's too light. I like a dark, cozy bedroom.

So here I am, looking this huge 'Texas' bed room set in the face. It's really thick - made by this guy from Mexico. And I was wondering how I was going to move it to paint. Then I remembered Andy and Amy lending me their 'sliders'.

So I grab them and have to grunt and pull muscles to slip them under the legs of the dresser, bed and chest of drawers. And the stupid things wouldn't work! I was so mad. I was supposed to be able to move anything with those! They worked for Robert - - - MAN!

It was then I realized that I had put the felt/rubber side against the floor and the slick side against the furniture.

oh.

. . . and then . . .

Then I turned them over and I pushed the stuff all over.

Amazing how that works.

March 5th

2009-03-04T11:53:00.000-08:00

March 4, 2007 my sister Cindy came in to Mom's hospital room and said that Mom would not get off the respirator until the 5th because the 4th was Austin (her son) birthday. I remember I was so angry because I told her that the 5th was Julie's birthday.

She didn't look at me as she said "It's on the 5th" and walked away, dismissing me.Because to her, my granddaughter was no big deal. To her, it was a matter of having to making sure her world was as seamless as possible.

I am helpless against such attitudes then and now.

On my calender it has 'Julie!' with a heart and 'Mom' in the far right hand corner for the 5th of March. While that black day at the hospital might have been blotted out of mind . . it stays.

I would never forget Jules and no, thanks to a thoughtless sister, Mom. And for a daughter who hasn't too many memories it's a good thing.

Expelled.

2009-03-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

Just watched 'Expelled". Talk about sobering!

If you haven't see it, it's a documentary on the attack on Intelligent Design in any way shape or form in the scientific front.

Being in the Bible Belt, it never occur ed to me that all the hoop-lah from the east coast was real. But, man is it ever. Some of the people who want to open the debate for 'Intelligent Design" have no care (or inkling) of God. Their remarks about people needing to put religion where it belongs ". . .a weekend past time that makes them feel good . .. just get it off center stage.". Unreal. And the correlations about Darwinism to Nazi Germany! My stomach hurts as I type that last. Intelligence has been expelled from the scientific world.

God used the foolish things of the world to teach the wise.

Christ wasn't kidding when he stated that the way was narrow that lead to eternal life. Really narrow.

This is Corny as all Get Out . .

2009-02-27T08:39:00.000-08:00

There's a country song that goes:

"I am Rosemary's granddaughter.
The spittin image of my father.
And when the day is done my mama's still my biggest fan"

I was walking along and it hit me that it should say:

"I am the Holy Spirits daughter.
The spittin image of my Father.
And when the day is done my Savior's still my biggest fan."

Corny, but belonging to the Spirit of God
Working to be the picture of theFather
but the image of being a fan of Christ's . . . man!

Jadie Girl-She lives in her Jadie World

2009-02-26T10:38:00.001-08:00

Brymer

Jade

Da Beaner

I so blew it today. I am a bad mama.

Susie and I walk every day - about 3 miles. This is Jades reason to breathe. Every morning at 9am, she goes back and forth from me to the door, her tail going ninety to nothing.

Well, Susie and I rode bikes today instead. Jade was out of the equation. (I'm not gifted and talented but even I know that Jade would take my bike through fields if I tried to ride and hold her - a recipe for disaster.)

So I get back, expecting a few screens to be out and claw marks on the door. Instead Jade is waiting, smiling at me. Then she followed me all over the house holding her rubber toy - a sign that she wanted to play.

I feel so rotten.

I Ain't 17 No More

2009-02-24T12:55:00.000-08:00

Got in the truck and turned on the radio. Robert likes classic rock so when it came on, 'Paradise By the Dashboard Lights." was playing by Meatloaf. I used to love that song. I smiled and decide to go ahead and settled in to enjoy memory lane.

. . . and then . . .

. . .then I was not enveloped in warm reminiscing. What a HORRIBLE song!

All I could think was; "You stupid idiot - living by your feelings! Serves you right that you have to live the rest of your life in misery because of that!"
And: "The world always takes advantage of a person's physical feelings - thse feelings are first and foremost and must be satisfied or they'll die."
And: "That satan has got the whole world suckered."

I think I'm 'over saved'.

In Response . . .

2009-02-23T09:54:00.000-08:00

Kim asked me what my idea was to turn the economy around. I don't think she's gonna like my answer.

Capitalism. It's a matter of charging for goods and services and making it or not. It's competition. It's failing, and getting up to try again. It's succeeding and teaching other how to succeed. If you don't make it one way, change. It's that simple. God says: "If a man won't work, neither let him eat."

"What about all the people out of work? What about standard of living? What about the children?"

There is no place in the Constitution that calls for the government to take over. In fact, it's the exact opposite. People have the right for ". . life liberty and the pursuit of happiness". Not, (as the Obama crowd seems to think) ". . . the government has the responsibility to provide life liberty and the pursuit of happiness".

No one has any right to my checkbook but me. Let me help in any way I can, but do not mandate that 'help'.

Friday

2009-02-20T14:22:00.000-08:00

Walked over 3 miles. Planted radishes, onions, potato's and some flowers. Used Chief (HA!!!) to train Niclole about riding and horse talk. Went to lunch with Carol. Did my Wii fitness. Am watching 'Texas Ranch House'. Was told by Robert I really needed to go spend all day tomorrow at the rodeo. Going to Ron and Carols tonight for dinner. Get to watch a couple of '24's.

(insert happy sigh here.)

It's been a good day.

Not Funny

2009-02-19T08:24:00.000-08:00

When 'Bamy' first came out with his ideas on how to 'save America' I said, with a smile: "That sounds like socialism."

then when he pushed the money to bail out the banks, I grinned and said: "Isn't that like socialism?"

Then when he said that the government should control the banks I said; "How is that NOT socilalism?"

And I ain't smiling at all now.

Forget the love . . How Do You Tolerate?

2009-02-17T12:27:00.000-08:00

So I'm using my "mouth control", "walking in their shoes", "never-never-never taking revenge", repaying good for evil" etc . . . - all the stuff I'm supposed to do to be able to love someone I can't stand.

And every single time I see them or even hear their name mentioned, I sneer.

How do you love someone you can't stand if you can't even abide that person?

Kaia

2009-02-12T13:54:00.000-08:00

Jenn called me today and told me about something she'd heard on sesame street . . . the word 'predicament' means problem.

And we both imminently thought of Kaia.

'collaborate' means "we work together."

'exasperate' means "Granma's tired".

"But I thought you guys liked me!"

"But I said I was sorry!"

"But I can't sleep! It's not dark out!"

"Life is over! What shall we do?"

I miss that little toot.