March 31 My Psalm

From the depths, I call to You, my God.
From the bottom of my world, I look up to You and plead for mercy.

I speak without a word,
because words that describe this hole do not exist.

I whisper for blessed ignorance.
Spirit, lance my heart.
I can't bear this pain.

I would have lived my entire life
to not know what I know now.

Now this is a Blog for girls.

So here I am, leaning forward to be able to see the screen while I read up on the Spurs and it keeps popping down. Every time I tried to scroll up, it zoomed! back down. Irritating!!!

Then, I watched the little blinkey thingee zipping across the screen, left to right left to right over and over and over and I thought 'GAG! My computer is crashing!!! ARRRGH!"

. . . and then . . .

and then I looked down and saw my chest was hanging over the keys, laying on them, making the space bar stay down and pressing on the arrow.


HA!!!

I have no flippant remark!

La De da de da

Am actually typing this at work. It's the only time I have time. How odd is that?

Robert wants another baby - horse, so bad. So bad that he wants me to take Tesster up to the same daddy as Chief because this is his last year to stud out. - (Wadda life, huh? Think on what that entails and sigh heavy.)

Beaner is huffing and puffing bad. Brymers breathe is even worse and Baxter is a mass of movement. Shaved Hercules for the show season. He looks like a rat.

I thinks it's getting hot outside. I'm not sure. I'm in a green room with Enya and the soundtrack from 'City of Angles'.

Wonder what I'll title this one.

. . . and then . . .

I am so emotionally drained. and physically drained. There has been too much going on at work. So much that I'm beginning to question my decision to do this.

And it's not that I don't care, it's not that I don't realize how much God needs me there. It's not even all the work ( HOW do people have time to stand around? I find myself standing and leaning over the computer because my hiney hurts.)

It's the drain of being around people who are so unhappy, liking that and making sure they spread that around. I am the middle man. I am the peacemaker.

. . . and then . . . .

and then I realize why Christ put so much emphasis on taming the tongue. On turning the other cheek. On keeping your mind on the Prize.

Walls

I'm back to a 'Cleave' again. Robert is up and going and it really was a little irritating that people actually clapped when we came to class tonight. No one clapped for me. Bummmm-eeerrr.

Have a person I'm so concerned about right now. And it's not because they are a mess and need support 24/7. It's that I don't see much emotion at all. It's a wall that's been put up. I would rather hate and rant and rave then shut down.

For a while this has been happening to me. And I fight it constantly. You ache to love and care and all you can manage it a sympathetic smile while you wonder about lunch or work or the blemish on that person's face. And how do you get past that and feel life again? Once it starts, it's like pushing a boulder on a 30 degree incline. It will end up killing you and there's nothing you can do to stop that from happening.

How do you stop it from happening when it's happening?

Don't let that happen to her.

And, oh, Father, don't let that happen to her.

Emergency rooms, Blood Clots and 'The Ring'

You know, when you're in the emergency room with the same people for SIX HOURS before you even get called back, you tend to bond.

We got there at 9:15 am. And waited. And waited. They teased us with the quick tri-age, then left us to stand all day (Robert couldn't sit because of the pain thing and I wasn't going to sit if he didn't.) The only chick who had been there long than us was this girl who had Roberts symptons. So we got to yakking. She ended up in the next bed to us in the Intensive Care unit, and kept walking in and talking. The doctor was scared of a blood clot in Robert's lung, and I was okay until that came up.

They wouldn't Robert eat because of the surgery possibility and I wasn't going to eat if he didn't.

Long long day. And I'm too relieved that it's "just penomnia" - it's contagious, did you know that? I thought once the temp was gone you were safe. Wadda world!


BTW - - - If you got off the hook in the movie "The Ring' by having someone else watch the tape before your seven days were up, why did Noah die? His kid saw it after he had.

Someone explain that. It really ruins the movie for me.

Just Jackie Rambling

And the hits just keep on comin . ..

And it would be better, I think, if I could somehow make things happen only to me and not those I love. And, like Jaci, I know it'll all be better in the end, I know I'll look back and smile at all this, but still . . .

I woke up this morning to the sound of a large (C-5?) going right over my house. It was LOUD and woke me up from a dead sleep. It went over, then only went a ways, then it sounded like it had landed. All I could think was: "Oh no! The Libyans!!! Hillary must have made president overnight!"

No, Kim, I couldn't make an enemy of you. I just hope you keep loving me!

Working as a manager!! of PAC while Karen and Robert are gone. Like a know anything about running a gym!

Baxter is now an 'it'. Now if he'll only hold 'it' until I let him outside.

It's like 80 degrees here and I have got to find time to plant all my stuff I ordered.

I miss my husband. He's been gone since the pneumonia set in. It's like when we went to Brandee and Robs wedding - this is not my husband.

Jamie was over last night. He tried to get me Superchicks 'Stand in the Rain' for my ring tone. you should have heard his disgust when he saw my phone. "You have SPRINT?"

Okay. I'm done now.

*sigh*

Blocks blocks blocks. Life, I am realizing over and over, is an intricate stacking of blocks, a kind of 'Jinga' thing that gets so shaky sometimes, you wonder how in the world it can keep from tumbling.

You'd think I'd be used to this by now. Satan kicking the mess out of you when you're down.

I keep thinking, "I am so stupid. Why won't I learn what God is trying so hard to teach me?"

But then again, if I knew that, I wouldn't be asking, would I?

Wake up Call

When I entitled the last blog 'Time to Make some enemies", I had no idea where it would lead.

Wow. I can't hide my head in the sand anymore.

Time to Make Some Enemies

I said I wasn't gonna . . .

But, come on! The whole "Who is gonna do the most, give me the most, take care of me the best?' stint on this elections offends me.

Offends me big time.

Chirst tells me to be second. Christ tells me to serve. He dosen't pick the governing authorites - - - He allows them to rule to bring about what He knows needs to be brought to light. And works through their actions, good or bad.

You can't tell me that God wanted all those unsaved Jews to die, but He allowed Hilter to come to power. You can't tell me the God I read about in scripture loved the effects of Ivan the Great (Terrible), but He allowed that monster to come to power.

It's not about who gets the power . . it's about how WE serve God through it, right?

Barak -"Gag me with a fork and kill me now" OBama, or Hillary "Two Faced -File gate, travel office scum and liar in chief" Clinton, or John "I wish I would pick a path" McCain . . . .

. . . really, isn't' God going to use any of them? They're not the important ones. We are. Because we're the ones God loves.

And the right to vote? The obligation to make a decision? I have no rights. I belong to Christ. He is my life. What can possibly measure up to that?

March 5

I knew it was going to be a hard day.

Julie's 2 today and I don't have her around to irritate and cuddle on. She's such a card . . . . I am looking forward to her puberty almost as much as I'm dreading it. Poor Jaci - no, poor Jarred. What am I saying??? Poor me, because I have no clue how to deal with a Julie growing up.

It's been a year today. The memory of that makes me pause. Hands me regrets. Makes me angry. All the helplessness and guilt and real fear that mom might never have known how I felt because I didn't. One year. It's been at least 10. And it was last weekend.

And Kaia was sick. Sick enough to give Brandee a catch in her voice when she called. Sick enough to make my insides drop. And frustrated more than anything that I am helpless here as they live in England.

Well, that stinks.

Now, why does this kind of stuff always happen to me?

Let's start from the beginning. Da Beaner is a little 'physically fit' challenged. She rolls into a room. Can't jump up at all, and perpetually goes around panting with her tongue hanging out. It either doesn't fit anymore, or it's too much work to stash it where it belongs.

So my sister calls and says she's getting rid of her Boston terrier, 'Max'. He's just 8 months and she has too many doge. So I get him, so Nellie can find some kind of encouragement to actually move (besides doing the 'ya know' thing.)

And it's working. Nellie hates 'Baxter' (had to change his name. All my dogs begin with 'B'), and cannot stand him to be anywhere close to me. But Baxter loves me, and can op about seven acres into the sky, so she has one fit after another . . .works it, gets in shape. Maybe Nellie isn't headed for heart failure.

. . .and then . . .

And then Baxter stays at my feet. He plops down, I hear a muffled 'pop', and this awful smell that would make any boy camper three shakes past proud filters up around me, swirling, tangible . . .UNREAL!!

Brymers breath . . . Baxter booty. Why do I always get the dog with stench problems?

In Focus

I hope I am always and forever unable to stop from crying at the unreal horrific truths conveyed in 'Schindler's List."