One for the New Book

Chief and I stood at the foot of a hill that towered above us at about a 40 degree angle. It was strewn with rocks, gravel, cats claw and more rocks. Should we go for the top, following the faint trail where few had tried or take the safer, less direct route through the wooded trail? The woods were prettier, safer and it was just him and I. The wise rider wouldn't be standing here, debating. I would be doing it if I was on the Tesster.

We headed up it, of course. Chief was pushing for all he was worth, slipping on the rocks, gravel and clods of dirt flying down the slope behind. I was forward, giving him all the rein he needed. He was at such an angle, I could have reached down and touched the ground. I looked up and all there was was the blue of the sky and a line of the horizon.

Then, Of course, about 3/4ths of the way up, I panicked when I looked back and pulled him up. He twisted hard to the right, pivoting around so that his hind end was now facing the sky. He lost his footing and just almost went down, his chin hitting the ground. I swerved to the left, grabbing the saddle horn as I dropped the reins so he could regain his balance. He did, somehow, and we stumbled down the hill. I took the longer route. It took me another hour to get back, although I loped most of it.

When I got back to camp, I was taking off the saddle. The latigo strap fell off in my hand. (The latigo is the strap that holds the saddle on the horse around the girth). The leather that held it to the saddle had rotted and snapped. The only thing that kept it around the horse was my weight and Chiefs sweat. I had been riding, essentially, without a saddle.

Either I am a REALLY good rider or God was REALLY busy.

I'm goin with the latter.

Mon - thursday

I'm betting money we don't make it to Kileen next week. Robert was so 'over-timed' because of an inspection that they spent 6 months sweating over. Now, with nothing looming, he is still in at 5:30a, gone until 9p and then on the computer the rest of the night. He says he's gonna make it for Monday through Thursday next week . . .but, come on.

I'm thinking I'm going to have to learn how to back that trailer.

Idle Thought.

Had a super morbid thought: What if the reason Robert is gone all the time is God's way of preparing me for something.

Kinda not encouraging, huh?

Dodge ball

satan isn't stupid. He knows that if he can just get people to 'buy the moment' instead of what lies down the road, he's got'em.

When I was a kid, I played dodge ball. You know the game; two teams, facing each other throwing balls at each other. If they hit you, you're out. If you catch their thrown ball, they're out. First team that is out of players, loses.

So here I am, playing in elementary. I caught the ball, and didn't want to give up the ball. I caught another. This was great. I was super dodge ball girl. My team was telling me to give them the balls so they could fire back, but I was going to prove I could catch three. Which I didn't. When I got hit, all three balls popped way up and back to the opposing team. Not only was I out, I had given the enemy the advantage.

I sit here, hopelessly watching people make decisions that they WILL regret. And they will regret them with horrible, angry tears. They realize this . . maybe dimly, but with surety. But they do it anyhow. Life changing, 'affect way more than themselves' decisions that they trust to emotion. The world hangs in the balance of the ". . . feelings they have deep inside." The future is not important up next to their feelings, wants etc . . .

And the prowling lion watches, and waits and pounces. He's not stupid. And he sees further than his nose.

I Have No Cute Titles For This One

So here we are, taking the Tesster to Houston to meet her 'man' and we're exiting onto the Sam Houston Toll Road. Traffic is stopped cold. "Oh no!" I gasp (as Robert hits the brakes and the trailer with Tesster pushes the truck.) "It's an accident!!! I hope every one's OK!"

We are fixing to get out to help and we see this dog, a pit bull with an old piece of twine, being pushed out of a car.

Pushed out of a car on the one lane road up to Sam Houston toll Road!!!

After shoving the poor thing out of the car, she (it was a woman) guns it and is gone. The dog, confused and scared out of his mind drops to his chest, too afraid to move.

We were going to go pick him up, but a guy in front of us beat us to it. No, he didn't get the plate number.

It absolutely ruined the trip, the day, probably the week.

I came home and loved all over Jade.

A Story.

Kelly meets and decides to hang with a guy into drugs and sex . . . ie; 'Scummy Thug.' Her mom (Cheri) allows it because - *"What can I do? If I say anything she'll leave."

Kelly gets busted for drugs. Cheri bails her out, not even sure what the charges are because (see* above). Jackie comes in to help with money so she can pull herself out.

Kelly falls 'in love' with thug (see #1). Cheri lets them stay in her house because (*) Jackie asks for rent money because Cheri can't afford to live on her own much less pull 2 extra people. But thug is jobless and Kelly is lazy. (*)

Kelly always has money for cigarettes/beer, but Cheri's money keeps coming up 'lost'. (*) Jackie has a hissy and begins to take money daily from Cheri so it won't have the chance to get 'lost'.

Kelly goes to jail. Cheri finds a way to bail her out and welcomes Kelly and thug back with relief, because (*) Jackie puts in extra cash to pay for the electricity bill that is skimped because of the bail thing.

Kelly gets pregnant. Cheri is overjoyed because now there is food stamp money. Jackie tells both that I don't mind paying for the food and pregnancy, if Kelly will get her GED and look further than her nose. It falls, of course on deaf ears.

Kelly goes back to jail.Cheri makes a firm stand - "You'll have to find a way to pay for all of it yourself." she states, then asks Kelly to please clean up the dog poo that is all over the floor. Kelly is there all day every day, Cheri works. It stinks (literally and figurativley) to Cheri, but, hey . . .(*) Jackie is proud of Cheri, until Cheri allows all of Kelly and her friends who are 'in desperate times' to come live and eat at her house. (They don't clean as well, incidentally). And there is, after all, the food stamps.

Kelly gets beat up by thug again. Cheri tells her that thug is no longer welcome in house, but Kelly is. If she turns her out, (*).

Kelly calls police to come get thug after he tries to kill her and the unborn baby, telling her, in fact; "You're both dead." Cheri is proud of Kelly. Jackie is proud of Kelly and sets up a course of action to get Kelly in GED classes and into a college to get her degree in the beautician thing. Kelly seems resigned.

Kelly drops charges because she's in love. Cheri realizes that thug is here for a while and is powerless to do anything (*) Kelly has lost all interest in GED and college. The thug wants her home to take care of their baby.

Kelly moves in with thug. Cheri's alone.

Baby is born. Cheri is overjoyed.

Baby has needs. Cheri is desperate to help because (*). Enter Jackie once again.

And I'm showing Christ - how?

Ruby is Coming Home!

Talked to Rob yesterday and he's on his way back to Brandee! Been gone since forever. Now he gets to squeeze on that Kaia and try to catch that Ava. And Brandee gets to say; "Your turn."

The sound of his voice . . .the knowledge of how it will be (because I have been there a few times) . . . man!

I can't stop smiling.

This is Gonna Sound Really Negative

About class last night . . .

People really don't want to see the real you. No matter what they say, they are relieved/content with the facade you convey. If you come at them with someone who is different from what they expect it's all about "What's wrong?" and "Are you okay?" and very definite moves away from your person.

I'm not convinced that that is a bad thing. Shouldn't the truth lie only with you and God? Isn't He the only One who can really handle 'Jackie'? Why make people uncomfortable? Why? - if you love them and you love Him?

Okay, Jenn, you can let me have it.

The Wall

Is there really any way to change a part of yourself you don't like? I mean, a part of you that makes you 'You' that bothers you? Can this square peg become round somehow?

I act the way I don't want to act . . . I can't seem to be able to stop doing stuff that I KNOW is wrong . . I hurt people who do not deserve such treatment . . . I beg God to help me stop it and He is silent. It is truly a wall that I hit . . three miles up and 20 across with the ground crumbling behind me. How can I even think I am in hope of any Hope?

I feel like the end of Romans 7.

The Results

Besides some other things, the MRI/CT scan stated that I should not be riding. I should not even get on a bike, much less a horse. I should, in fact, sell the horses that I ride and keep only the mini's who pull a buggy.

I scoffed at these finding, however. Just exactly who am I if not 'The Horse Lady'?

Then came the 16 mile ride in on 281. Then Bandera. Then the 10 mile.

Following fast on the heels of these came the tramadol. The Xanex. The Motrin.

Stop riding? In 10 years I'll be 58. In 20 years, Tesster will be 34. Chief will be 24. I'll not have this time back. Life is too short to put off what's important for a little thing like pain. And walking.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then comes the knowlege that there will be no more back to back rides. Ever.

This would be why I'm Feeding Them

I get to do something I haven't done in about 5 years on Friday. I get to ride with Donna Seabers. We're trailering down to the San Antonio River and following 37 back up to Pleasanton. I'll be riding Chief - who hasn't been really ridden in about 7 or 8 months and she'll be on Oreo who hasn't been ridden at least that long. Chief is the son of Tesster and Oreo is the daughter of Poquita - for those of you who've read my book.

They'll be snotty, jumpy and Donna and I will be together again. Then on Saturday, we're going to Bandera with Chello, Ray and Cheri. Another day of riding.

I'll be sore but a little euphoric.

Too much brochilli

One of the nicest things about being at home all day is listening to noises around the house. Birdsong, wind through the trees, Nellie snoring and Jade passing gas.

Honest. Here I was, all contented, ready to write a new blog when I hear this impressive 'expulsion' from Jade. She's horrible!

A thought

When I see a cloud on the horizon, I think: "Please rain! Please rain."
Nothin. I sigh.
When I hear that there's a 20% chance of rain I think; "Please let us be in that 20%"
Nothin. I sigh.
When I see 80% chance of rain I think; "Please don't miss us! "
Nothin. I sigh.
When I see a huge thunderstorm barreling toward Atascosa county, I think: "Please don't divide over us and miss us!"
. . and then, nothin. I sigh again.
Can't we get a break, God?

Is that how God thinks while He waits for my voice in prayer?
"Please, Jackie!"
"Please just give Me a little chance, Jackie."
"Jackie, I right here. I'm HERE!"
"Jackie, don't go to the stupid world when you could come right at Me."
I've died to give you a break, Jackie. Why do you consistently ignore that?"

The thought of my Father sighing, "Nothing." gives me serious pause.

A Tale of the Tail

So I'm riding on Thursday and my bottom hurts like crazy. About 2 hours in to the ride, Tesster is trying to stop because she's tired. I have to keep pushing her with my hips/legs. So the pain was expected.

I had to keep hooking my leg over the saddle horn - first left, then right to relieve the pain of it. I effectively rode 'sidesaddle' for a long time. Bet I looked pretty dorky. the weird thing was that my sore hind end usually goes into this numb stage. But it didn't.

When I get off the horse (7 1/2 hours later) Chello says; "Miss Jackie, your new saddle rubbed red all over your jeans." That was just peachy. Of course I used a new pair of jeans that day. The red spot was about 4 inches round - obviously I had sweat and it caused the irritation. So I was in unreal pain AND wearing a new pair of ruined jeans. I was MAD.

So as soon as I got in the shower I noticed that the water on my hiney HURT. It was then that I discovered that there was a big popped blister there. The red on the jeans was blood and water - not dye. No wonder the pain was so persistent.

But other than that . . .

Finally . . .

Woo hoo! Headed to Floresville tomorrow to trail ride! It's a all 'day'er' with Chello. I'm wimping out and taking Tesster instead of Chief. 25 miles and the guy hasn't been ridden in, like, forever. I figured besides saving his tendons, it would save my hiney. You have to go through downtown Pleasanton the last part of the ride. He'd freak no matter what. So I'll saddle Tesster.

I've wanted to do this for about 8 years. I think I'm just about done with putting things off.

Ruby

We were at the lock in on Sunday night and Robert and I were laughing so hard that it made me cough. Andrew was acting like Andrew - he was smart alec, with the jokes flying a million miles an hour and he was so adorably cute while he did it. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to cough up a lung.

Because it was Robby. It was SO Robby from when he was 16. Rob used to be able to make me laugh like no one else could. He's 28 today. Although he's grown up and has these kids that I love like crazy, I can't seem to let go of that kid who was so funny and cute at the same time.

Man, I miss that kid. Andrew reminded me of that on Sunday night.

He always was Ruby - my 'priceless gem'.

Rambling . . .

Got 2 birds - 'Lemon' and 'Lime'. They're green and yellow - go figure. I'm not sure if I like them. Wish I could give them to the grand kids. Kaia and Ava? Wait, then I'd have to buy some for James, Julie and Jocelyn. Never mind . . . their dog would eat them. Guess Kaia and Ava win.

It drives me absolutely buggie that I am walking and working and cutting back on food and I can't seem to lose weight. Honest injun - I walk Jade 3 miles a day, do extra work outside with the house and horses, won't eat late and have been eating more lean stuff and vegetables . . and nothing. I lose 2 lbs and gain 2 pounds no matter what I do. It drives me crazy.

I'm going to take Tornado to the Rachleys' tomorrow and have buggy rides. Carol is bringing her miniature horse and buggy as well. The gang is down from San Angelo. That will be a blast! We get to walk 80 thousand miles - good. I'll gain 2 pounds.

Am riding from Floresville to home on Thursday with Chello. It's about 25 miles. Should take us about 6 hours - probably more. I'm riding Chief and Chello will be on the Tesster. We're packing lunches and I'll buy lots of tootsie rolls. Woo hoo - I'm betting on gaining at least 3 on that one.

Finished 'Battlestar Galaticia' and 'Heroes' - - now we're watching '24' like crazy, and isn't that season 5 AWESOME? I can feel myself losing 2 pounds as we speak.

Have the horse show this Friday. Get to trailer to Seguin with Sarah, Emily, Robert, Hercules and Tornado. It's gonna be a really busy week. Good. I needed to gain the 2 pounds.

Well . . .DUH!

Had to paint the bedroom - it's too light. I like a dark, cozy bedroom.

So here I am, looking this huge 'Texas' bed room set in the face. It's really thick - made by this guy from Mexico. And I was wondering how I was going to move it to paint. Then I remembered Andy and Amy lending me their 'sliders'.

So I grab them and have to grunt and pull muscles to slip them under the legs of the dresser, bed and chest of drawers. And the stupid things wouldn't work! I was so mad. I was supposed to be able to move anything with those! They worked for Robert - - - MAN!

It was then I realized that I had put the felt/rubber side against the floor and the slick side against the furniture.

oh.

. . . and then . . .

Then I turned them over and I pushed the stuff all over.

Amazing how that works.

March 5th

March 4, 2007 my sister Cindy came in to Mom's hospital room and said that Mom would not get off the respirator until the 5th because the 4th was Austin (her son) birthday. I remember I was so angry because I told her that the 5th was Julie's birthday.

She didn't look at me as she said "It's on the 5th" and walked away, dismissing me.Because to her, my granddaughter was no big deal. To her, it was a matter of having to making sure her world was as seamless as possible.

I am helpless against such attitudes then and now.

On my calender it has 'Julie!' with a heart and 'Mom' in the far right hand corner for the 5th of March. While that black day at the hospital might have been blotted out of mind . . it stays.

I would never forget Jules and no, thanks to a thoughtless sister, Mom. And for a daughter who hasn't too many memories it's a good thing.

Expelled.

Just watched 'Expelled". Talk about sobering!

If you haven't see it, it's a documentary on the attack on Intelligent Design in any way shape or form in the scientific front.

Being in the Bible Belt, it never occur ed to me that all the hoop-lah from the east coast was real. But, man is it ever. Some of the people who want to open the debate for 'Intelligent Design" have no care (or inkling) of God. Their remarks about people needing to put religion where it belongs ". . .a weekend past time that makes them feel good . .. just get it off center stage.". Unreal. And the correlations about Darwinism to Nazi Germany! My stomach hurts as I type that last. Intelligence has been expelled from the scientific world.

God used the foolish things of the world to teach the wise.

Christ wasn't kidding when he stated that the way was narrow that lead to eternal life. Really narrow.

This is Corny as all Get Out . .

There's a country song that goes:

"I am Rosemary's granddaughter.
The spittin image of my father.
And when the day is done my mama's still my biggest fan"

I was walking along and it hit me that it should say:

"I am the Holy Spirits daughter.
The spittin image of my Father.
And when the day is done my Savior's still my biggest fan."

Corny, but belonging to the Spirit of God
Working to be the picture of theFather
but the image of being a fan of Christ's . . . man!

Jadie Girl-She lives in her Jadie World

Brymer

Jade

Da Beaner

I so blew it today. I am a bad mama.

Susie and I walk every day - about 3 miles. This is Jades reason to breathe. Every morning at 9am, she goes back and forth from me to the door, her tail going ninety to nothing.

Well, Susie and I rode bikes today instead. Jade was out of the equation. (I'm not gifted and talented but even I know that Jade would take my bike through fields if I tried to ride and hold her - a recipe for disaster.)

So I get back, expecting a few screens to be out and claw marks on the door. Instead Jade is waiting, smiling at me. Then she followed me all over the house holding her rubber toy - a sign that she wanted to play.

I feel so rotten.

I Ain't 17 No More

Got in the truck and turned on the radio. Robert likes classic rock so when it came on, 'Paradise By the Dashboard Lights." was playing by Meatloaf. I used to love that song. I smiled and decide to go ahead and settled in to enjoy memory lane.

. . . and then . . .

. . .then I was not enveloped in warm reminiscing. What a HORRIBLE song!

All I could think was; "You stupid idiot - living by your feelings! Serves you right that you have to live the rest of your life in misery because of that!"
And: "The world always takes advantage of a person's physical feelings - thse feelings are first and foremost and must be satisfied or they'll die."
And: "That satan has got the whole world suckered."

I think I'm 'over saved'.

In Response . . .

Kim asked me what my idea was to turn the economy around. I don't think she's gonna like my answer.

Capitalism. It's a matter of charging for goods and services and making it or not. It's competition. It's failing, and getting up to try again. It's succeeding and teaching other how to succeed. If you don't make it one way, change. It's that simple. God says: "If a man won't work, neither let him eat."

"What about all the people out of work? What about standard of living? What about the children?"

There is no place in the Constitution that calls for the government to take over. In fact, it's the exact opposite. People have the right for ". . life liberty and the pursuit of happiness". Not, (as the Obama crowd seems to think) ". . . the government has the responsibility to provide life liberty and the pursuit of happiness".

No one has any right to my checkbook but me. Let me help in any way I can, but do not mandate that 'help'.

Friday

Walked over 3 miles. Planted radishes, onions, potato's and some flowers. Used Chief (HA!!!) to train Niclole about riding and horse talk. Went to lunch with Carol. Did my Wii fitness. Am watching 'Texas Ranch House'. Was told by Robert I really needed to go spend all day tomorrow at the rodeo. Going to Ron and Carols tonight for dinner. Get to watch a couple of '24's.

(insert happy sigh here.)

It's been a good day.

Not Funny

When 'Bamy' first came out with his ideas on how to 'save America' I said, with a smile: "That sounds like socialism."

then when he pushed the money to bail out the banks, I grinned and said: "Isn't that like socialism?"

Then when he said that the government should control the banks I said; "How is that NOT socilalism?"

And I ain't smiling at all now.

Forget the love . . How Do You Tolerate?

So I'm using my "mouth control", "walking in their shoes", "never-never-never taking revenge", repaying good for evil" etc . . . - all the stuff I'm supposed to do to be able to love someone I can't stand.

And every single time I see them or even hear their name mentioned, I sneer.

How do you love someone you can't stand if you can't even abide that person?

Kaia

Jenn called me today and told me about something she'd heard on sesame street . . . the word 'predicament' means problem.

And we both imminently thought of Kaia.

'collaborate' means "we work together."

'exasperate' means "Granma's tired".

"But I thought you guys liked me!"

"But I said I was sorry!"

"But I can't sleep! It's not dark out!"

"Life is over! What shall we do?"

I miss that little toot.

Resignation

I unpacked all my summer clothes today. Instead of replacing them with the winter clothes, I just put them all at one time in the closet.

I will never know a true winter - - it's all just a blaze of summer here - A mild one in January - a virtual 'not-heaven' in August.

Instead of 'winter/summer' I now have 'long sleeved/short sleeved'.

(Insert heavy sigh of resignation here.)

Arugh!

You know, dealing with people who say they want change, then refusing to change to receive that change that they stated they wanted in the first place . . .

I'm getting to where I will refuse to help them change because they won't help themselves to change.

To put it bluntly - If you want to stop messing up your life, then stop making stupid choices.

Questions?

Thanks a bunch, Dana!

Just read Dana's blog. That explains a lot.

Yesterday I started some new meds - yes, Jaci, I now have an 'old person' pill container. A possible side effect was headache (and dizziness and loss of conscienceness, and . . .) About 10 am this headache comes on. So I go along, knowing that if I keep active, it will leave.

It didn't. All day it got worse and worse and worse until if I moved I would throw up. I couldn't go to class because that would take talking. I couldn't eat because that would involve smelling. I couldn't get a cover for my feet because that would mean getting up.

And then Jenn and the baby stuff!

I never thought I'd thank the Lord for texting, but I'm here to tell you, it saved my hiney yesterday.

And probably will today. I woke up with the headache again.

Bad buzz.

My Turn

25 things about me
(that you probably didn't know)

1. I spend a lot of time trying to remember my mother laughing. Not having much luck.

2. My favorite group is Casting Crowns - their best song: East to West.

3. I am beyond honored that Christ is my life.

4. Each of the grandkids are first in their own division (Kaia - Intense & Optimistic, Ava- Sneaky & Fast, James- Kind & Gentle, Julie-Tough & Happy and Jocelyn - Trusting & Smiling)

5. I love the smile of dogs - especially da Beaner.

6. I HATE people who fake it. To me that is lying. And I can tell it when they do.

7. People who use others 'weakness's to further their own agenda makes me feel tired and ready to give up.. . which I'm afraid I have. I hate being taken advantage of . . . over and over again.

8. My kids don't agree with me on anything. I don't agree with them either. I'm not really sure if they even like me much anymore.

9. I have a mouth that spouts it's opinion whether the hearer wants to hear it or not. It gets worse as I age.

10. I didn't become a Christian until I'd done/tried everything out there - okay, not mass murder or anything, but I have no doubt about the world from which I am saved.

11. I can build up to a point that I am able to stop loving a person - see #7

12. The best smell in the world is Roberts neck.

13. Sometimes I doubt seriously that God would forgive me if the Spirit ever let Him in on my heart to see what's there. And isn't Christ tired of telling God that 'Jackie didn't mean it that way, Father!"

14. I had no friends at all growing up. Then, beginning with Donna Hall, an avalanche. I've never been sure why or how.

15. I love that ". . . my God is a consuming fire." because there is so much injustice in the world.

16. I have no hope for the future of this country.

17. I think my daughters-in-law put up with me because they have to. I make them both very tired, I think. That makes me really sad because there's nothing I can do about it.

18. Jerky made with beef is awful. You have to have venison.

19. I can't get up on my horse anymore. The MRI results were not good. Like at all.

20. It's hard to get me to really laugh. Used to be easier. Probably an age thing.

21. 'Abba Father', 'There's a Stirring', 'One of these days' - these are the songs I want sung at my funeral. Sing 'Mansions Over the Hilltop' and 'Higher Place' to make everyone laugh.

22. I still miss Blue Boy. I can't think on him for any length of time without crying. Same thing with Dusty.

23. I watch the skies every single day for Christ. A storm makes me excited that it's announcing His arrival.

24. I miss being able to sing.


25. The smartest thing I ever did in this life was to marry Robert Hutton. And that was a gift from a benevolent God who knew what I needed was better than what I wanted.

And I left a lot out. Pretty scary.

Hey, You Learned Types

Question for the teachers.: Does your reading level decide your reading speed?

Case in point: I have been reading a LOT of Anya Seton, Alison Weir, Alexander Thom and EVERYTHING from Edward Rutherford. So I picked up a book at the airport to kill time before my flight yesterday and finished it in 5 hours. (Less if you count the waiting in line, getting up to stretch my legs, staring a a substance called 'rain' in Atlanta . . . ) Revolutionary Road - 462 pages. I've never read something that fast before. And although Richard Yates is a really good writer, it's not Rutherford- - I have to look up definitions sometimes with the Ed-ster.

Does that make a difference?

What? What?!! WHAT?

The girls kept up this steady sound yesterday. A low, constant grunting thing. It was like they were hurt, or whining, but when I'd check on them, they would smile, then start up again. They did it over and over. I kept thinking that Ava was dealing with a diaper issue, or that Kaia was upset over something Ava got into.

Even in the bath, they kept it up. It was when Kaia got on her tummy and arched her back in the water that I realized they were singing the song from "The Little Mermaid" which I had played earlier yesterday!

You should have seen their face when I sang it back to them! It was like I was this movie star, because I could sing 'Ariel'.

Updates

Let's see . . .

Robert is still working ALL THE TIME.

Ava walks around, pulling EVERYTHING off of EVERYTHING.

Kaia is busy planning for the next time she gets to see her best friend (s) . She's also started packing because it's "time I get back to my house, granma."

I am so tired of 'Wonder Pets' and 'Diego'.

Jennifer STILL hasn't had her baby. Mike is still just chillin.

Jamie's life is taking off.

Kara is still working on that wall.

Ashley has wormed her way into my heart.

I'm getting over the intimidation of Seth.

Oh, Have to go. Ava has figured out how to open the wet wipes and she's ripping them all apart.

Sarah

I am sick with worry over Sarah Morlock.

There are reasons for everything. I have NO desire to lay blame on anyone for anything save myself.

Life has been blasting me for awhile. I have watched their dedication thin, then deterioate. I don't understand her reasons for all of it and I don't understand others remarks about them. I don't see how anything can come before the love that Christ calls us to - on either side. I don't understand how a Christian can feel unwelcome.

The end of the matter is this: they are dying.

Thursday

Yesterday evening was horribly crazy here. I had an appointment and had to have the Fuseliers take the girls (because of the 'Caden play' factor). Kaia played and played and played while Ava destroyed everything that the other two had made and laughed and laughed and laughed.

In the meantime, I was in a MRI tube, in the 'superman position' - and didn't realize that I would need ear plags. The sound hurt and I mean - PAIN!! So I crushed my left ear into my left shoulder and jammed my middle and index finger into my right ear to block the noise. It was effective but super uncomfortable. It was also a 45 minute procedure. My arm and hand were numb - until the pain set in. Oh joy. I was in that clanking Godzilla for over an hour and a half total - one for my spine, the other for my hand.

We get home and Robert pulls in just before me @ 6:12pm. He hugs the girls then sets out to go on a visit. Doing my best not to throw up, I fixed the girls dinner.

Kaia had a fit that Grandpa went to Church and forgot to take her, Ava was whining because Kaia wouldn't let her watch her poo, wouldn't let her eat lint etc. . . And my eyes looked like something off of a 'They Came From the Grave' movie. The headache was intense. Brymer snapped at Kaia.

"But I was nice to him and everything, Grandma!"

We waited until 8 pm for Granpa to get back, but he didn't make it. So I told Kaia a story (Repunzal) and told her to go to sleep. She was out in under 5 minutes and Ava (who had been put in bed @ 7:20), never stirred.

Come on, Friday!

Little Texas

Kaia had a day yesterday. She goes running down the hall at mach 5 and hit her arm against the corner of that little Texas table of mine. Then she pinched her hand BIG TIME in her closet doors. Then she met Mr. Electric Fence and he bit her bad.

Crying, she told me that "It has been a crazy day, Grandma!"

Kaia says she doesn't want to be a cowgirl.

Serpents

When you love someone and they use that against you, does that disgust anyone but me?

You love them and you can't help it and they use that to manipulate you.

They use what is good about your character and twist it around until you are confused about what is right and what is wrong anymore.

Until you feel like a failure both for helping them and believing in them.

People who use ' . . . (love) bears all thing, believes all things trusts all things . . ." to their advantage.

Isn't that what satan did in the garden when he inserted that one word: ". . . not. . . "?

A God Story

I prayed a prayer Wednesday night @ Brandee's house. I begged God not to forget me when I got on the plane with Kaia and Ava. I didn't think I could bear it if people looked at me with them and thought they were not good kids. (Guess it's a grandma thing: Don't talk trash about my babies, I don't care who you are.)

Sleep didn't stay that night and each time I woke I prayed it again. I prayed to not get angry no matter what. I prayed to be able to keep my cool when I got those sneers from the passengers - or be able to bear the panic I would see in those peoples eyes as I moved close to them with two toddlers.

(BTW, I wasn't really thinking much on it until Brandee scared the snot out of me . . . thanks a lot, chick.)

And they were unreal. They never slept, but never fussed, never cried, never even spoke too loud (except Kaia when we took off; "We're going up, Granma!") We talked and played and colored and snacked and people smiled when they saw us to to the bathroom together. A lady even came up and told me how impressed she was with my grand -daughters.

With all that's happening in the world - Kuwait, Obama, Cheri, Kelly . . . Still God made sure I was taken care of. He really cared. Talk about humbling.

Tweety

I GET TO GOT GET KAIA AND AVA TOMORROW MORNING!!!!

I am way too excited! So I went into their room today and there was a bird flying around in it! Seems it got in thorough a hole I didn't know was in the screen trying to get warm! How cool is that? I just opened the windows and it left, but I can't wait to tell Kaia that a bird wanted to be her roomy!

I'm feeling much better now, but it's like I haven't seen the fam in a year! Can't wait for tonight to get together with the Tuesday night bunch before I leave tomorrow.

The Relaxing Weekend.

This weekend is a looming monster - @ least today and tomorrow...

Friday:
*Have to clean and stock the trailer
*Have to bathe Tornado - the horse Emily is showing
*Have to get to the clinic to pick up the Ambien CR before it closes
*Have to hook up and get to Seguin by myself (Robert's at home this time)
*Have to back 35 ft trailer into it's place without Robert (gulp!)
*Have to set up camp without Robert

Saturday:
*Amy's Birthday
*Have to get up and prep the horse for show - wait for Carol/Ron to get there before 7 while keeping my cool.
*Have to be ready to get Sarah (who's showing Hercules) prepped to show, while keeping my cool
*Have to sweat bullets without anyone knowing that I'm sweating bullets while Emily/Sarah shows
*Put up the horses and watch the show
*Hook up without Robert (gulp)
*Get home, unpack , clean out trailer

Sunday:
*Robert's Birthday
*Got to services.
*come home and rest
*Go back to services

Monday:
*Our 28th anniversary.

And, as if I needed more to add to my tension, I'm sitting here, listening to Bama talking about how the government is going to pay for everything for everybody, for all time. And he put Panetta in charge of the CIA. What a horrific mess.

Doom

Jadey Girl-She live in her Jady World

Jade watches the fence - all sides for danger. (All sides for the opportunity to dig her way into the pasture.)

She is the terror. (Except when Nellie-a tenth of her size- lets her have it.)

She is queen of her pillow (Okay, queen of the small one I got for Nellie, because Nellie won't give up the big one so Jade squashes herself into the 'cat' bed)

She is the puller of all pullers on our nightly walk (So, I unhook her for most of it - gives the chick some privacy.)

Jade is the dog who sees a little girl in the yard next to us and barks, wiggles her bottom and gets that tail swinging into danger mode because she thinks it's Julie or James and she misses them.

And if I didn't love her for any other reason, I'd love her for that.

You Just Do

Jarred and I are a lot alike. We both have opinions, we both think we're right and we both don't let go of them. Usually, Robert and Jaci are caught in the crossfire.

After one of the discussions that Jarred and I . . uh . . .'discussed' while we were in Colorado, I asked Robert how he was able to just let stuff go the way he does. (I obviously STINK at it). And he said, "You just do, baby."

"You just do"?

Well, how in the world are you supposed to do that?

I began to watch him and the way he took things. He's so laid back, non-aggressive, but firm at the same time. It's really discouraging. No matter how hard I want to let things go, I can't sometimes. If I just shut up,it bubbles, then explodes. If I speak it, I hurt someone because when you vent off steam, "someone gets burned". I can't find the medium. But Robert has. And he shows it over and over every minute of every day.

And he says he's the lucky one.

Go figure.

K, guys . . .

I guess this is the pot calling the kettle black . . .

What's up with the 'no blogging' that's going on? It's amazing at how much I look forward to reading Amy's, Jaci's, Dana's, Jenn's, Darla's, Erin's and now Jarred's blog - and the air has gone silent. And I'm not looking for responses to mine . . .(but it would be cool if THAT happened?)

But really, it's not about me here . . .

Let us just disregard the ones I work to keep a faint hope on hearing from; Andy, Jamie, Kara, Ceal . . .

It's all probably because I will have extra time coming up. What? isn't everyone quitting their job?

and then again . . . it isn't this all about me.

But wouldn't it be cool if . . .

but it's not about . . .

what it's all about

Although the cold is nice (not that cold - 60 degrees today), i don't think i can handle the cold weather here in Colorado. My nose is bleeding from being so dried out. And my skin looks like rice paper!

. . . and then . . .

And then I look at Julee and James and Jocelyn and Jaci and (sometimes) Jarred - - the dry air stuff ain't that important. And although it's driving Robert nuts to be so confined, I love the lumpy feel of their skin -

well, not Jaci's.

Hey, and I don't miss work AT ALL!

Simmering

We live in a wrinkled world. Messy. Needing work, but put in a basket for a more convenient time.

There's so much to hide, isn't there? So many things that scream to be said, but are left dormant.

Because what if we really did speak what we know needs to be said? How would that affect relationships? Would we still be loved? Or would we get to the point where we didn't even care anymore?

Isn't the relationship destroyed by their actions or my inaction?

A wrinkled world that screams for a hot steam iron.

FREEDOM!!!

WHAT A HORRIBLE LAST DAY!!

God reminded me of why I quit today.

I get to go to Linda and Darla's Book Club Thing a ma roo and get into it! I get to scrapbook! I get to brush my horse! I get to clean the house! I get to get out and move! (losing weight helps with the pain from the sciatica.) I get to go see J to the 5th! I get to ignore the calls from Robert Fuselier! I get to take my time on 'poop patrol'!

Oh, life of boundless joy!

Post Office vs UPS

Do I write about the fireplace cozy fire? The countdown to Denver? The cold? The pictures Brandee sent? The countdown to Kai and Ava? The waiting for the MRI? The countdown to the 22nd?

Man, life is going warp 9! Think I'll share a little irritation from this morning.

I went to the post office today to send off Rob's Christmas present.
The chick behind the counter said, "Oh, you need to fill out a form."
And I said: "Oh, OK." and moved to one side.
She said:, "No. You need to go to the back counter."
and I said: "I don't take up that much room, huh? I'll just do this real quick."
and she said; "No. I have to wait on customers."
And I said: "I'll stay out of the way."
and she said: "No. What if they need to use the pen?"

And I said: Oh. I'll just use UPS."
and she said: 'You'll have to pay more."
and I said: "Sometimes, that just doesn't matter."

And they were so nice. I'll go there all the time.

Horton

There's a huge elephant in the room here at work.

It's sorta pathetically funny. No one will face the fact that I am not at PAC as of the 22nd.

So, here's ole tactful Jackie today. Robert, Karen and Ken are in my office going over stuff.

Karen: "Jackie, can you find this on the computer? I have no idea about how to go about it."

Jackie: "Well, someone needs to learn so you can fill my position."

(Insert the sound of crickets chirping here.)

Maybe they think I'm bluffing?

AvaLynn

Ava will be one tomorrow! ONE!!!

AvaLynn Faye Hutton - ain't that a great name?

I read Jaci's post and realized that all my grand kids are technically toddlers. And it's cool for Kaia, James and Jules

. . . but Ava and Jocey? And I've missed it all because of time and distance.

Waitaminute. That's an old person's remark.

I can't stand this growing up thing.

At last!

I quit today.

Sure I'll not leave them hanging, but will come in to do billing AFTER HOURS

But as of the 22nd - I'm out of PAC and away from Ken.

*

Why is it when you have money, you have no time and when you have time you have no money?

I am a work widow. My mouth is tied by guilt, my heart is thumping with sadness, and my mind keeps ticking about the injustice of it all.

As I enter each stage of life, I regret the lack of understanding I held for the previous stage. It was good then.

what have I learned?

Time is better than money.
Helplessness makes me angry.
If I would have known that I wouldn't be able to see squat at 45, I would have paid more attention to stuff around me.

Sometimes, you Just Gotta

So - - -

we're dead set to pay off credit cards AGAIN. With me working and not really needing the money, it seems the better part of honor, right?

. . . and then . ..

here I am, popping 'Proceed to Checkout' a few times at Amazon.Com because I won't have this card around after I buy the tickets to go get Ava/Kaia.

Why? Why? Why?

Because sometimes, after you hold back the spending thing for a while, you just HAVE to spend money. I don't know why, I just know it's true.


Robert's gonna kill me

Rain? Maybe?

What does a person have to do to get a little rain in this joint?

Jim and James Cooper prayed at church - I don't know if there's anything stronger than that.

Nothin.

When the horses walk across the pasture - uh, arena, it looks like they've been running. The dust if so fine, it's like a mist. Tesster coughs and it will not be brushed out of their coats.

God used to hold back rain when He was angry. I'm thinking we must have done something really bad.