Like - - Wow

The funniest thing about all the hub bub over the KSAT interview is the way I feel when people make a big deal out of it.

It's a self image thing. I hate the way I look and I work to look better and I don't and I HATE to have people notice me. People always think I'm joking when I say that, but those who know me know.

I thought all this would be fun, but I hadn't realized how it would grow. It makes me squirm to be under the microscope. I now know - LOTS of people have called- that I am and have been watched for a while.

I told Meg the other day that it made me uncomfortable to have people looking at me. And she said: "Duh! You're on a black and white horse in the middle of town. What do you expect?"

'Duh' is right.

But it's my personality. I have to learn to deal with all this or hire some pretty , witty chick to play 'me' through it.

Thanks Darla

When I blew up at Stacy, I found myself irritated - no, infuriated, most of all by her total lack of anything or anyone outside her sphere. Being European, she sure has a different mid set than what this 'dyed in the wool Texan as soon as I could get here' girl. It is hard to watch and not act negative about her total negativity.

"All Americans are fake, and Texans are the worst.."
"Why do you ask people how you are and keep going?"
"Why don't you and Robert argue? There's no yelling here."
"Why are you smiling all the time?"
"Life is hard and the world is not good."
"There is too much Church here."

After a couple of months of this, I'll admit, I was ready to blow. Stacy just provided one too many opprtunities.
After I chilled a little, I sat her down and told her that unless you put others before self, the world is a rotten place. I told her about serving no matter what. No matter who. I told her: "It's so much better to think good and help others. Can't you see that, Stacy?"

I got a blank stare.

I started the ball. Help me to trust that it is moving. Because I can't see a thing.

I'm headed out again. Have ridden to work the last two days and it's been pretty cool. It's been okay in the mornings, but the evenings . . .?

Now it's 99 degrees and high humidity.

Tesster is offended. But then again, she's the Tesster. what else would you expect?

Stacy

I lost it so totally last night.

When the boys were small, and then growing, I wasn't a person who hollered. I was above that. It just meant a person had 'no control'. In fact, the boys were more frightened of my low demon voice. Besides play fighting, I don't remember ever raising my voice to them.

I screamed at Stacy last night. Something in me snapped and I opened fire. I snarled at her like a rabid wolf about responsibility, taking responsibility, and disrespect of a magnitude I have never, never dealt with concerning my own kids. Then I told her I couldn't stand to be around her and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door.

To her credit, she was wise enough to take it. Wise enough to take the blame. Wise enough to apologize over and over and over.

But I lost it.

Is that good or bad or both? And how do I stop the shaking of fury that I still deal with this morning?

Just a quick plea

If I have made anyone mad at me this last month, cut me some slack, OK?

Get mad at me later. Not now.

Questions

Why do referees think you pay to see them blow the whistle?

Why do you always wear the wrong colored pants when an accident happens?

Why do you put loving and contempt in the same phrase?

Why is the person who trains you always have bad breath?

Why does your deodorant always roll into those long spaghetti things in your armpits?

Why do you always have too much time and no money or no money and too much time?

Why do you talk to a person who would allow you to go in public with a bat in your nose?

Why do your feet smell only when the whole gang is over for a Spurs party and you kick off your shoes?

Why does a little girl who looks just like Kaia keep coming in the gym?

Why do fleas bodies make a little snapping 'pop' some of the times and other times there's not a whisper even if you cut them in half with your fingernails?

Why do I always start a garden, then let it go?

And why am I so mean to Robert all the time?

Skippin Along . . ..

Spurs lost. Bummer.
Got in a fight with Robert Sunday. Bummer
Found out that the Message IS based on the Greek and Aramaic. Cool.
J to the 5th is coming in the 24th. Cool.
Haven't heard a thing from Rob since forever. Bummer.
Spurs lost. Bummer
Fit back into my black pants. Cool.
Praying for so many right now with no response, I'm wondering if God is still listening to me. Trying to be a patient grown up about it. Ain't working. Super bummer.
New Orleans won again. Big time bummer.
I have forgotten what Rob and Jarred were like as kids. Super bummer.
A big one looming on the horizon. Looking forward with some trepidation. Bummer to the 4th.

Am at a point in my life where I don't have a clue what I'm doing. All lost and confused and resentful. What's all that about?

Added to all that, the Spurs lost.

The Wind Blows Lonley

There I was, trying to get two years worth of paperwork done, while running a showroom with Robert Fuselier in front of me talking all day Friday.

There I was, Stacy next to me as I rushed in for her and ran to Mike Norwoods party @ the Kelly's.

There I was, talking to Amy and Becka and Stacy and Katherine all Friday evening.

There I was, Dralena Kelly on one side, Stacy on the other the whole trip to College Station.

There I was, sitting in the same room with Dralena, Jonathon, Stacy, Paul, Patrick, Amos and Robert, watching a nail biter Spurs game. The room was small, the game ballistic.

There I am, rushing out to the car as soon as the game is over, to go to an Aggies Football game. Dralena, Stacy, Jon and Robert were all in the truck - we were all snuggled close for the ride.

There I am, sitting and watching a game, with Paul and Jon and Stacy and Amos giggling at, and toward and across me.

. . . do you get the point that I was never alone this weekend? It was exhausting to always smile and make conversation. It was also painful.

I have come to the conclusion that having gas is the answer to fixing life.

You hold it in and it makes you feel rotten. You let it out, and everyone laughs and you feel better and even if it smells bad, it's a thing about volume that counts.

Hey, it's my blog. My call.

I'm Full Now

When I snort in really hard, there is this high pitched squeal . .

Would that be air working it's way around the . . .stuff?

The Night of the Allergy

Never had allergies. My whole life - not a one. Then comes April 12, 2008. Oak pollen off the charts, a frount screaming in, and fine particles of dust invading every oriface you didn't even know existed.

It is an interesting sensation to be so tired you can't think of moving, but unable to sleep because you left your ambien at home. So you turn to your left and the congestion sloshes, then empties over into the left side of your sinuses (you can actually feel it go: "Gaal-looop.") Your eyes water and there is the feel of a vacuum as it exits one side and flows into the other. Then comes the drainage, seeking escape. While I was prepared for that stage - I'd stuck a Kleenex up my nose as a plug. When that side gets full, (about 10 minutes) you go to your right side and it starts again.

This was my world on Friday night. It seemed like that night went on forever. Back and forth, "Galooping' my way to dawn.

Then came Emily, Dara, and Mat at 6:30 to begin a day of showing horses.

So it starts again

Have a horse show this weekend. The little girl that is showing Hercules is so tiny, and SCARED!!!! but she is so way adorable that I'm afraid that she'll place because of her dimples instead of keeping her head in the game.

I keep thinking how much I would love to be teaching James, Jules, or Kaia to be doing this instead. I ache so much to have someone who has my blood in them to share a piece of my love.

That's why I think I wrote the book. Just in case Kaia hates horses, maybe her kid will pull out the ancient, unread copy of "If You Wanna Learn Humility, Buy a Horse" that her great grandma wrote back in '07 and wish she might have known me.

Just thinking on that happening makes me smile.


[Insert contented sigh here.]

This Will Make No Sense . . .

If you take a bottle and put it one the floor and give it a violet twist of the wrist, it goes so fast, it jumps and skids across the floor. No path. No sense, just an uncontrollable missile. And you're not allowed to stop it . . It's a sort of vicious game that compels you to wait until it finishes on it's own.

I don't know why I can't. I don't understand that rule . . but I can't ignore it.

And when it finally stops, it hasn't got time to quell the vertigo that the whole trip has caused. It just braces itself for the next hand to start it twirling again.

That is my life.

My prayers are: "God! I'm begging You . . please don't", "Please make me strong enough to bear it", "Please blind me to what You need to do to work Your plan . . because I can't bear watching this anymore."

Qyuestion of the ages

How do people work full time and keep up with anything else?

I'd almost kill to be bored.

March 31 My Psalm

From the depths, I call to You, my God.
From the bottom of my world, I look up to You and plead for mercy.

I speak without a word,
because words that describe this hole do not exist.

I whisper for blessed ignorance.
Spirit, lance my heart.
I can't bear this pain.

I would have lived my entire life
to not know what I know now.

Now this is a Blog for girls.

So here I am, leaning forward to be able to see the screen while I read up on the Spurs and it keeps popping down. Every time I tried to scroll up, it zoomed! back down. Irritating!!!

Then, I watched the little blinkey thingee zipping across the screen, left to right left to right over and over and over and I thought 'GAG! My computer is crashing!!! ARRRGH!"

. . . and then . . .

and then I looked down and saw my chest was hanging over the keys, laying on them, making the space bar stay down and pressing on the arrow.


HA!!!

I have no flippant remark!

La De da de da

Am actually typing this at work. It's the only time I have time. How odd is that?

Robert wants another baby - horse, so bad. So bad that he wants me to take Tesster up to the same daddy as Chief because this is his last year to stud out. - (Wadda life, huh? Think on what that entails and sigh heavy.)

Beaner is huffing and puffing bad. Brymers breathe is even worse and Baxter is a mass of movement. Shaved Hercules for the show season. He looks like a rat.

I thinks it's getting hot outside. I'm not sure. I'm in a green room with Enya and the soundtrack from 'City of Angles'.

Wonder what I'll title this one.

. . . and then . . .

I am so emotionally drained. and physically drained. There has been too much going on at work. So much that I'm beginning to question my decision to do this.

And it's not that I don't care, it's not that I don't realize how much God needs me there. It's not even all the work ( HOW do people have time to stand around? I find myself standing and leaning over the computer because my hiney hurts.)

It's the drain of being around people who are so unhappy, liking that and making sure they spread that around. I am the middle man. I am the peacemaker.

. . . and then . . . .

and then I realize why Christ put so much emphasis on taming the tongue. On turning the other cheek. On keeping your mind on the Prize.

Walls

I'm back to a 'Cleave' again. Robert is up and going and it really was a little irritating that people actually clapped when we came to class tonight. No one clapped for me. Bummmm-eeerrr.

Have a person I'm so concerned about right now. And it's not because they are a mess and need support 24/7. It's that I don't see much emotion at all. It's a wall that's been put up. I would rather hate and rant and rave then shut down.

For a while this has been happening to me. And I fight it constantly. You ache to love and care and all you can manage it a sympathetic smile while you wonder about lunch or work or the blemish on that person's face. And how do you get past that and feel life again? Once it starts, it's like pushing a boulder on a 30 degree incline. It will end up killing you and there's nothing you can do to stop that from happening.

How do you stop it from happening when it's happening?

Don't let that happen to her.

And, oh, Father, don't let that happen to her.

Emergency rooms, Blood Clots and 'The Ring'

You know, when you're in the emergency room with the same people for SIX HOURS before you even get called back, you tend to bond.

We got there at 9:15 am. And waited. And waited. They teased us with the quick tri-age, then left us to stand all day (Robert couldn't sit because of the pain thing and I wasn't going to sit if he didn't.) The only chick who had been there long than us was this girl who had Roberts symptons. So we got to yakking. She ended up in the next bed to us in the Intensive Care unit, and kept walking in and talking. The doctor was scared of a blood clot in Robert's lung, and I was okay until that came up.

They wouldn't Robert eat because of the surgery possibility and I wasn't going to eat if he didn't.

Long long day. And I'm too relieved that it's "just penomnia" - it's contagious, did you know that? I thought once the temp was gone you were safe. Wadda world!


BTW - - - If you got off the hook in the movie "The Ring' by having someone else watch the tape before your seven days were up, why did Noah die? His kid saw it after he had.

Someone explain that. It really ruins the movie for me.

Just Jackie Rambling

And the hits just keep on comin . ..

And it would be better, I think, if I could somehow make things happen only to me and not those I love. And, like Jaci, I know it'll all be better in the end, I know I'll look back and smile at all this, but still . . .

I woke up this morning to the sound of a large (C-5?) going right over my house. It was LOUD and woke me up from a dead sleep. It went over, then only went a ways, then it sounded like it had landed. All I could think was: "Oh no! The Libyans!!! Hillary must have made president overnight!"

No, Kim, I couldn't make an enemy of you. I just hope you keep loving me!

Working as a manager!! of PAC while Karen and Robert are gone. Like a know anything about running a gym!

Baxter is now an 'it'. Now if he'll only hold 'it' until I let him outside.

It's like 80 degrees here and I have got to find time to plant all my stuff I ordered.

I miss my husband. He's been gone since the pneumonia set in. It's like when we went to Brandee and Robs wedding - this is not my husband.

Jamie was over last night. He tried to get me Superchicks 'Stand in the Rain' for my ring tone. you should have heard his disgust when he saw my phone. "You have SPRINT?"

Okay. I'm done now.