Like - - Wow

The funniest thing about all the hub bub over the KSAT interview is the way I feel when people make a big deal out of it.

It's a self image thing. I hate the way I look and I work to look better and I don't and I HATE to have people notice me. People always think I'm joking when I say that, but those who know me know.

I thought all this would be fun, but I hadn't realized how it would grow. It makes me squirm to be under the microscope. I now know - LOTS of people have called- that I am and have been watched for a while.

I told Meg the other day that it made me uncomfortable to have people looking at me. And she said: "Duh! You're on a black and white horse in the middle of town. What do you expect?"

'Duh' is right.

But it's my personality. I have to learn to deal with all this or hire some pretty , witty chick to play 'me' through it.

Thanks Darla

When I blew up at Stacy, I found myself irritated - no, infuriated, most of all by her total lack of anything or anyone outside her sphere. Being European, she sure has a different mid set than what this 'dyed in the wool Texan as soon as I could get here' girl. It is hard to watch and not act negative about her total negativity.

"All Americans are fake, and Texans are the worst.."
"Why do you ask people how you are and keep going?"
"Why don't you and Robert argue? There's no yelling here."
"Why are you smiling all the time?"
"Life is hard and the world is not good."
"There is too much Church here."

After a couple of months of this, I'll admit, I was ready to blow. Stacy just provided one too many opprtunities.
After I chilled a little, I sat her down and told her that unless you put others before self, the world is a rotten place. I told her about serving no matter what. No matter who. I told her: "It's so much better to think good and help others. Can't you see that, Stacy?"

I got a blank stare.

I started the ball. Help me to trust that it is moving. Because I can't see a thing.

I'm headed out again. Have ridden to work the last two days and it's been pretty cool. It's been okay in the mornings, but the evenings . . .?

Now it's 99 degrees and high humidity.

Tesster is offended. But then again, she's the Tesster. what else would you expect?

Stacy

I lost it so totally last night.

When the boys were small, and then growing, I wasn't a person who hollered. I was above that. It just meant a person had 'no control'. In fact, the boys were more frightened of my low demon voice. Besides play fighting, I don't remember ever raising my voice to them.

I screamed at Stacy last night. Something in me snapped and I opened fire. I snarled at her like a rabid wolf about responsibility, taking responsibility, and disrespect of a magnitude I have never, never dealt with concerning my own kids. Then I told her I couldn't stand to be around her and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door.

To her credit, she was wise enough to take it. Wise enough to take the blame. Wise enough to apologize over and over and over.

But I lost it.

Is that good or bad or both? And how do I stop the shaking of fury that I still deal with this morning?

Just a quick plea

If I have made anyone mad at me this last month, cut me some slack, OK?

Get mad at me later. Not now.