HA!

I was really really irritated at Robert the other day. See, I'd not only worked on Christmas, I had cleaned out a closet, did the floors, super scrubbed the bathroom, I also ironed every single piece of work clothes in the basket. Added to the greatness of 'me' was the fact that I was feeling might might puny.

Wadda woman I was! What a wife my wise husband had snagged!

So he comes home, kisses me, asks If I'd thrown hay to the horses and then just breezes out to do that without seeing a thing, without saying a thing.

I was furious!!! I mean , really really indignant. I coughed as I looked at the closed door he'd just gone through. That thoughtless, uncaring, self centered . . .

. . . and then . . .

And then I realized he was going to feed my horses for me. He'd been at work all day to make sure I had horses and chickens and supplies to scrapbook, knit, draw, study . . . Then he comes in, feeds, takes care of the chickens, takes care of the stuff that needs fixing . . .

The list of things Robert does just because is endless. To keep me happy, to make me feel secure, because that is his job.

And I don't think I've ever really thanked him for that.

What a thoughtless, uncaring, self centered scum I am.

So long . . .

I ditched Facebook.

Too much time, too much junk coming through. I have had enough. Finally.

Yep - - -you read that right. Goodbye Frontierville. Gonna do without the toll booth, the 33x33 expansion . . .the peanuts. Goodbye farmville requests, goodbye political propaganda, good bye network that gives my information to advertisers.

Don't think I'm gonna be missin you much.

Not sure where this came from . . .

I am surrounded by those who want to kill me.
I stand up for you, God and the wolves close in.
I love You more than every single day. Because only You know my heart and love me.
I am the center of your world, Lord. Let me never forget that.
Avenge me, Father. I am too tired to keep this up.
Confusion is my lover, Lord. It swirls around me like a thick mist, obscuring truth.
Don't you rotten people realize who loves me? Don't you know who you're messing with when you mess with me? His name is God. Alpha. Omega. I Am. This is my Father.



I'm thinking David wrote something along those lines somewhere in the Psalms.

I so know how he feels.

Summer 2010

I have grasped a few 'do's' and 'don'ts' that I will hold with determination.

Don't keep 5 kids under the age of 5 for more than 2 weeks. It will destroy your constitution.

Do make sure you keep 5 kids under 5 at least once a year . . . it feeds the soul.

Don't believe it when the chicken books say your chickens will be laying in 4 months. That's a lie.

Don't believe the salesman who promises you have 2 female ducks and just one drake. Lies . . all lies . . .

Don't allow yourself to get overheated when your my age and my weight. It destroys the rest of the summer.

Don't put your horse at JJ and Corinna's - they get really fat really quick.

Do give with all you have to those who don't deserve it. It makes God smile.

Do have Cocoa krispies whenever you want. You are a grownup, you know.

Do spend more time in prayer and Bible study. There just ain't no other way to get to know Him.

Sweet June

Everyday I ask the air -" Is it the end of May yet? Are we into June?"

Because:

I get Amy back.

I get close to seeing my babies - Rob and Jarred.

I get to harvest tomato's.

I get closer to swim with my grand kids.

I get to eat a lot more bbq.

I get closer to gathering eggs.

It gets much easier to remember my youth - summer vacations.

I am just this side of holding Ava, chasing Jocey, laughing with JooJoo, jumping on the trampoline with James and singing with Kaia.

. . . and then . . .

Then I look into the sky and say: "Is it September yet?"

A true story

An Amish elder man sat in a public briefing. There were 52 reporters there who wanted to ask questions about all things Amish.

"What makes the Amish different from all other denominations?" one reporter asked.

The elder scratched his beard and asked: "Who in here owns a television?"

52 hands went up.

"Who in here thinks that there are questionable things on television that might erode the family?"

52 hands went up.

"Now, who is going to go home and get rid of their television?"

No hands went up.

"That," the elder said "is the difference."

True story.

And this is exactly the reason I have a problem with those who see wrong, or see sin or see questionable situations and don't change. This is exactly the reason I am a member of Christ's church. Because it's all about changing into, not skating around, Him.

Natural Vanilla Bean

'Beaner . . she not dirty she cleaner'
Not a bone in her that's meaner
She knows a lot, she's not greener
Tell me have you seen her?'

When I got Nellie I was looking for a dog that would breed with Brymer. He was this tiny little guy who needed a girl toy. So I scanned the paper and found a breeder in Canyon Lake. Off I went to check out this 'female, orange toy Pomeranian. Parents on site'

There were about 53 hundred dogs there, all the offspring of this one orange male who looked about him with a sort of benevolence. The master of all he surveyed. I was awed by his looks then crashed to the ground when I saw "Wendy".

She was in that odd 3 month old puppy stage where they have none of the looks or hair of the breed. She kept jumping on the fence, desperate to get attention. The people who had first bought her had to bring her back, so she was a reject. I was not impressed, but she was what I needed, so I wrote a check and took her home. I called her natural vanilla Bean because that was my favorite and I had to have a name that began with a 'B'. (Not sure why.) Everyone who saw her thought she was unimpressive but sweet. Brymer liked her from the get go but he was the only one. Even Robert raised any eyebrow and said; " . . .oh, kay . . ."

She loved me from the second she sat on my chest. I was the center of her world. I was her personal gift from God. Only my hand would do. Only my smile would cause her to rush across the room. Her devotion was without limits, without boundary, with no reservation. She walks in her comma to me. She snores on my lap.

To me, Natural Vanilla Bean by Blue Bell is the absolute best ice cream made. There shouldn't even be room on the shelf for any of those other yellow tubs. There is no substitute, there is no ice cream close. If there is none at the store, I do without.

I named her well.

Gut Punched

Sometimes you realize something, or find out something, or finally accept something that leaves you open mouthed with shock.

It's really not going to get better this time.
It's really happening.
How in the world am I to accept this, Father?
How can I stand with this terrible knowledge?

I cannot, I will not accept it . . It just isn't in me . .

Oh, mothers heart that cannot let go.

Another List

The older I get the less I know.

The older I get the more I gape with incredulous awe at youth.

The older I get the easier it is to give people a second or third chance.

The older I get, the easier it is to understand the power of friendship.

The older I get the harder it is to let people in.

The older I get, the more set in my opinions I become.

The older I get, the more I see the importance of friendship in a marriage.

The older I get, the less I understand those who consistently change currents.

The older I get the more some things hurt.

It's easier to laugh.
Harder to cry.
Easy to forgive.
Harder to understand.
Easier to understand.
Harder to say exactly how I feel.
Easier to just go to bed earlier.

Where's the Freedom?

How do you find the line between serving and spreading yourself too thin?

I find myself surrounded by a cage of obligations which I have built. I can't seem to be able to say "No" to people, to situations . . it's as if I don't do something, maybe nothing will be done. And if nothing happens, how will they see God? Does no one worry about this but me?

And as I hear myself agreeing to, promising to, volunteering to . . I can't believe that the people asking can't see that I am in trouble. Or that the people watching me, shaking their heads that I'm " . . over doing it", do not help.

But I say nothing to them as they hug me with relieved thanks.

There is no way to obliterate some without pain, anger, confusion . . .

Father, save me from myself.

To Dana

While waiting to take the Lords supper in Denver, I handed James a green crayon. He gave me a side glance, smiled and said: "Oo-mah? Did you know I love you?"

I said: "Why, yes, I did know that. Are you aware of how much I love you?"

James: "Yes'm."

And he looked at me with these amazing chocolate eyes, twinkling as if we held a secret. Then he went back to the crayon. The surge of love I had for him at that second was astounding.

. . . and then . . .

And then I realized that Christ had an 'Oo-mah' just like James did. Christ smiled at her, adored her. Christ wanted to sit next to her. His eyes lit up when she entered a room. They twinkled at the sound of her voice.

And my sin killed that little boy.

I told Dana once that the Lords supper was sometimes just a reminder of what/Who we serve. But sometimes it makes my world tilt.

This was one of those times.

I watched Carol run the little horse, Duke, around the round pen for the 10 hundredth time. Her eyes sparkled, her walk had spring, her mouth laughed. As he messed up, she asked me how to fix it and he learned. And Carols eyes sparkled. When he did things right, she lavished him with praise and Carols eyes sparkled

I'm introducing her to something she didn't even know she loved. I'm able to teach her how to live a new time in her life safely.

Father, maybe, just maybe, all this time and money spent on horses hasn't gone to waste.

December 2007

Mom: I forgive . . .

Mike: I regret . . .

Cindy: I wish . . .

Nada: I understand . . .

Cheri: I dreamt . . .

Kelly: I cried . . .

Robert: I remember . . .

Robby: I am sorry . . .

Jarred: I release . . .

Without Cover

At my farm on Coughran road, in the master bath, you exited the shower right in front of a full length mirror. I used to roll my eyes and actually say: "Gag!" out loud.

I don't like being naked. I don't like what I see. There's too much work to be done that I can no longer hide from. I can't pretend that I am what I am not. Even to myself.

I don't like to become vulnerable. I don't like opening up. Because what is obvious can no longer be ignored. I am forced to work. Forced to grow. Forced to go against all the "Hey, it's just the way you are" and become more.

A Tale of Two Worlds

She was large and clumsy. She didn't look you in the eye. She spoke softly, if at all. She didn't offer opinions. I watched her stumble through life, and failed to notice the composition of the heart beneath that white cotton shirt. I never gave her the time of day, but she lit up like a candle when I rounded the corner. She knew my name. She looked for me in a crowd. She never held my apathy against me. One day I realized the absolute diamond she really was, I searched for her then found her. I hugged her for all the time lost, a plea for forgiveness for all my disregard. She held me as if I'd always been there for her. I closed my eyes and was blown away by the shining beauty of Coleen. She'd been handed a dull unremarkable rock from life. And she thought it was amazing.


She was like something out of a magazine. Built like every single worldly man envisioned, she strutted her face and figure through life. Her eyes were provocative when they wanted to be, and contemptuous to anything beneath the perfection she had been granted. Her wishes would be adhered to. She wore her clothes tight. She loved makeup. She laughed only at crass remarks, unless there was something to be gained from pretension. No fault was ever laid on her door - this was a fact she declared at every opportunity. She was the shining sun that the planets spun about. Her perception of the world honestly went no further than that. No deeper. She was handed a shining scepter from life and demanded it be gold.

I am learning that we don't need eyes to see the world. In fact, we see better without them.

Of course, Kaylynn

Kalynn laughs and you melt.

Kaylynn smiles and you just have to smile back.

Kaylynn winks and you gasp.

Kaylynn cries and you cuddle.

Kaylynn throws a fit and you laugh at her nerve.

Kaylynn recognizes you when you enter a room and she glows.

Kaylynn comes into your life and you feel this horrific urge to protect.

Kaylynn leaves your life and you lean on God for He is the only One who is strong enough to get her safely through.

She is a roller coaster fun ride, a royal pain in the bootie, a lump of adoration and a ball of attitude. She is faith revisited. She broke my heart even as she mended it.