Idle Thought.

Had a super morbid thought: What if the reason Robert is gone all the time is God's way of preparing me for something.

Kinda not encouraging, huh?

Dodge ball

satan isn't stupid. He knows that if he can just get people to 'buy the moment' instead of what lies down the road, he's got'em.

When I was a kid, I played dodge ball. You know the game; two teams, facing each other throwing balls at each other. If they hit you, you're out. If you catch their thrown ball, they're out. First team that is out of players, loses.

So here I am, playing in elementary. I caught the ball, and didn't want to give up the ball. I caught another. This was great. I was super dodge ball girl. My team was telling me to give them the balls so they could fire back, but I was going to prove I could catch three. Which I didn't. When I got hit, all three balls popped way up and back to the opposing team. Not only was I out, I had given the enemy the advantage.

I sit here, hopelessly watching people make decisions that they WILL regret. And they will regret them with horrible, angry tears. They realize this . . maybe dimly, but with surety. But they do it anyhow. Life changing, 'affect way more than themselves' decisions that they trust to emotion. The world hangs in the balance of the ". . . feelings they have deep inside." The future is not important up next to their feelings, wants etc . . .

And the prowling lion watches, and waits and pounces. He's not stupid. And he sees further than his nose.

I Have No Cute Titles For This One

So here we are, taking the Tesster to Houston to meet her 'man' and we're exiting onto the Sam Houston Toll Road. Traffic is stopped cold. "Oh no!" I gasp (as Robert hits the brakes and the trailer with Tesster pushes the truck.) "It's an accident!!! I hope every one's OK!"

We are fixing to get out to help and we see this dog, a pit bull with an old piece of twine, being pushed out of a car.

Pushed out of a car on the one lane road up to Sam Houston toll Road!!!

After shoving the poor thing out of the car, she (it was a woman) guns it and is gone. The dog, confused and scared out of his mind drops to his chest, too afraid to move.

We were going to go pick him up, but a guy in front of us beat us to it. No, he didn't get the plate number.

It absolutely ruined the trip, the day, probably the week.

I came home and loved all over Jade.

A Story.

Kelly meets and decides to hang with a guy into drugs and sex . . . ie; 'Scummy Thug.' Her mom (Cheri) allows it because - *"What can I do? If I say anything she'll leave."

Kelly gets busted for drugs. Cheri bails her out, not even sure what the charges are because (see* above). Jackie comes in to help with money so she can pull herself out.

Kelly falls 'in love' with thug (see #1). Cheri lets them stay in her house because (*) Jackie asks for rent money because Cheri can't afford to live on her own much less pull 2 extra people. But thug is jobless and Kelly is lazy. (*)

Kelly always has money for cigarettes/beer, but Cheri's money keeps coming up 'lost'. (*) Jackie has a hissy and begins to take money daily from Cheri so it won't have the chance to get 'lost'.

Kelly goes to jail. Cheri finds a way to bail her out and welcomes Kelly and thug back with relief, because (*) Jackie puts in extra cash to pay for the electricity bill that is skimped because of the bail thing.

Kelly gets pregnant. Cheri is overjoyed because now there is food stamp money. Jackie tells both that I don't mind paying for the food and pregnancy, if Kelly will get her GED and look further than her nose. It falls, of course on deaf ears.

Kelly goes back to jail.Cheri makes a firm stand - "You'll have to find a way to pay for all of it yourself." she states, then asks Kelly to please clean up the dog poo that is all over the floor. Kelly is there all day every day, Cheri works. It stinks (literally and figurativley) to Cheri, but, hey . . .(*) Jackie is proud of Cheri, until Cheri allows all of Kelly and her friends who are 'in desperate times' to come live and eat at her house. (They don't clean as well, incidentally). And there is, after all, the food stamps.

Kelly gets beat up by thug again. Cheri tells her that thug is no longer welcome in house, but Kelly is. If she turns her out, (*).

Kelly calls police to come get thug after he tries to kill her and the unborn baby, telling her, in fact; "You're both dead." Cheri is proud of Kelly. Jackie is proud of Kelly and sets up a course of action to get Kelly in GED classes and into a college to get her degree in the beautician thing. Kelly seems resigned.

Kelly drops charges because she's in love. Cheri realizes that thug is here for a while and is powerless to do anything (*) Kelly has lost all interest in GED and college. The thug wants her home to take care of their baby.

Kelly moves in with thug. Cheri's alone.

Baby is born. Cheri is overjoyed.

Baby has needs. Cheri is desperate to help because (*). Enter Jackie once again.

And I'm showing Christ - how?

Ruby is Coming Home!

Talked to Rob yesterday and he's on his way back to Brandee! Been gone since forever. Now he gets to squeeze on that Kaia and try to catch that Ava. And Brandee gets to say; "Your turn."

The sound of his voice . . .the knowledge of how it will be (because I have been there a few times) . . . man!

I can't stop smiling.

This is Gonna Sound Really Negative

About class last night . . .

People really don't want to see the real you. No matter what they say, they are relieved/content with the facade you convey. If you come at them with someone who is different from what they expect it's all about "What's wrong?" and "Are you okay?" and very definite moves away from your person.

I'm not convinced that that is a bad thing. Shouldn't the truth lie only with you and God? Isn't He the only One who can really handle 'Jackie'? Why make people uncomfortable? Why? - if you love them and you love Him?

Okay, Jenn, you can let me have it.

The Wall

Is there really any way to change a part of yourself you don't like? I mean, a part of you that makes you 'You' that bothers you? Can this square peg become round somehow?

I act the way I don't want to act . . . I can't seem to be able to stop doing stuff that I KNOW is wrong . . I hurt people who do not deserve such treatment . . . I beg God to help me stop it and He is silent. It is truly a wall that I hit . . three miles up and 20 across with the ground crumbling behind me. How can I even think I am in hope of any Hope?

I feel like the end of Romans 7.

The Results

Besides some other things, the MRI/CT scan stated that I should not be riding. I should not even get on a bike, much less a horse. I should, in fact, sell the horses that I ride and keep only the mini's who pull a buggy.

I scoffed at these finding, however. Just exactly who am I if not 'The Horse Lady'?

Then came the 16 mile ride in on 281. Then Bandera. Then the 10 mile.

Following fast on the heels of these came the tramadol. The Xanex. The Motrin.

Stop riding? In 10 years I'll be 58. In 20 years, Tesster will be 34. Chief will be 24. I'll not have this time back. Life is too short to put off what's important for a little thing like pain. And walking.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then comes the knowlege that there will be no more back to back rides. Ever.

This would be why I'm Feeding Them

I get to do something I haven't done in about 5 years on Friday. I get to ride with Donna Seabers. We're trailering down to the San Antonio River and following 37 back up to Pleasanton. I'll be riding Chief - who hasn't been really ridden in about 7 or 8 months and she'll be on Oreo who hasn't been ridden at least that long. Chief is the son of Tesster and Oreo is the daughter of Poquita - for those of you who've read my book.

They'll be snotty, jumpy and Donna and I will be together again. Then on Saturday, we're going to Bandera with Chello, Ray and Cheri. Another day of riding.

I'll be sore but a little euphoric.