I wanted to call my mother today.
After all is said and done, after the silence of the last 9 months, after knowing that she never really thought much on me anyhow, after the roller coaster of my emotions (I thought) had finally leveled . . I just wanted talk to my mom.
Stupid things. Like:
"I finally did it, Mom. I am published."
"Julie likes me now, Mom, I think James loves me."
"It's way too hot here. I don't fell 'holiday' at all."
"Have I told you about Barbara? "
"How could you stand being away from my kids? I am miserable that I can't see Kaia."
"If you come over, I'll make you some tacos"
How come I can't grasp the fact that she'll never pick up the phone again? Where is all this coming from.
It's hard to see the screen.
2 comments:
I have never gone through the loss that you have gone through but know that I will at some point relatively soon.
BUT
I am sure that she loved you, cared for you, wanted good for you and missed you more than you ever knew or felt.
But (God bless our dysfunctional lives, each one of us in our own little ways) she did not know how to express it in an acceptable way.
I hope and pray that my own children will forgive my indiscretions and my foolishness in raising them and know that I loved them. Some of us were babies having babies.
Was she?
I am proud of your accomplishments and your personal growths. You are turning into quite a woman. I love you.
Amen to so much of what Darla said! I feel the new roles we are in (your not seeing Kaia, for example) bring those new thoughts to light and we just cannot understand where they came from. The not understanding of so much is just something I have had to accept and move on from. Like Darla, I just hope my girls know I gave it my best shot and loved them every minute of every day.
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