Placebos

I've always thought placebos were horrible. Like a trick the doctor plays on you to see if you're really ill or just a hypochondriac. You take this miracle drug and wham! All better and thankful and . . wadda idiot. It was tic-tacs all along. It's really insulting.

It's fake. You believe and accept and hope and it's vapor.

So are some people. Calling themselves friends, they are just as intangible as fake medicine - the tic-tac. You believe and love them and depend on them and WHAM - they are gone, giggling at their insensitive cleverness and at your ignorance.

You're left feeling stupid and used.

Gag, I hate that.

A Definition

Faith is hanging on when it just ain't possible to hang on one second longer.

Faith is believing that there is good out there no matter how much rotten junk you get hurled at you.

Faith is smiling and doing for others when then are jerks or don't even care that you're breathing but you do it anyway.

Faith is knowing (not just believing) that you are never (never) all alone. No matter how tangibly black life gets, you are not by yourself.

Faith is a working verb most of the time. It's a horrific workout. It's a merciless taskmaster and it is worth every single second you put into it.

EVERY single second you put into it.

Mornin!

The other morning I was lazing in bed. when I turned my head to snuggle into the pillow and - - GAG! The stench was awful! Who had done what on my pillow? It was . . . it was . . .


Pretty doggone pathetic when you have to get up to brush your teeth to keep from offending yourself.

It's an Age Thing

So Robert and I decided to change sides of the bed. Don't really know why, but for me, it was sorta exciting - (I GOTTA get out more.)

So here I am, all snuggled on the left hand side, reading, happy as a clam...

It lasted 2 nights.

Much further to the bathroom over there.

The Bright Side

Where to start - where to start - where to start?

Do I tell about the absolute devastation of the break up of my second sons marriage? Or about the calm that Christ continues to drip into my mind to calm me?

Do I tell of the shock of Mikes death? Or do I talk of the anonymously sent flowers that totally blew me away with their message; " . . . you are truly loved."

Do I tell of the empty gut, hollowed out pain of these two life changing events happening in 2 days or do I tell of the amazing sound of Jaci's timid voice . . .("Hi. It's me.") not sure about talking to me but calling anyway?

Do I tell of the trip to and from *** (not heaven) - 60 hours behind the wheel while my sisters slept or do I tell about the glory of the Mojave`, the beauty of a desert sky . . . the feel of the hand of faith never leaving?

Do I tell about Jarred's face or about how he finally came home, for real - - the son I used to know?

Do I tell of the lowest lows, the highest of highs, the certainty of the love of a Man who will never ever leave me to face the rotten parts of this world alone or about the love of the Man who will always make sure I see Him in the very air that swirls around me?

What a ride.

A Fruity TMI

When Jaci was visiting once, I was doing her laundry - I like to do laundry . . . it's a habit I'm working to overcome. While folding I noticed a stupid little pair of underwear - and I do mean weird. It was all girley but had a fly that was sewn closed. "How fruit!" I said aloud.

... and then . . . fast forward three years - --

Here's Jackie, running around Walmart, looking for new underwear because mine keep working their way down as I work out. I see, in the ladies section, 'Boy briefs". Well, that's fruit. Hoping they'll be able to stay the course, I bought a package.

How amazing they are!!!! They stay up, they cover so much of me (a blessing to Robert) and they are more comfortable than any thing I've put on my hiney!!!

That Jaci! She's so ahead of her time!

Takin the World Up to Speed

Things that have happened since I fell off the face of the earth:

Done the Beth Moore 'Daniel' study three times.

Watched my sweet Amy in pain - did not like that one single bit.

been sick for a month straight - no lie - a month . .
visited old Mexico in downtown San Antonio.

Bought a new horse.

Started up riding classes again.

Started learning Spanish on my Rosetta stone.

...and then ...

OMIWORD!!!! I have become whet I never ever thought I'd be . . .a quilter.

Took a class at the Jourdanton Community center made a quilt and wham, I am so hooked! It's like I can't get enough of it. Ever.

Poor Robert!

HA!

I was really really irritated at Robert the other day. See, I'd not only worked on Christmas, I had cleaned out a closet, did the floors, super scrubbed the bathroom, I also ironed every single piece of work clothes in the basket. Added to the greatness of 'me' was the fact that I was feeling might might puny.

Wadda woman I was! What a wife my wise husband had snagged!

So he comes home, kisses me, asks If I'd thrown hay to the horses and then just breezes out to do that without seeing a thing, without saying a thing.

I was furious!!! I mean , really really indignant. I coughed as I looked at the closed door he'd just gone through. That thoughtless, uncaring, self centered . . .

. . . and then . . .

And then I realized he was going to feed my horses for me. He'd been at work all day to make sure I had horses and chickens and supplies to scrapbook, knit, draw, study . . . Then he comes in, feeds, takes care of the chickens, takes care of the stuff that needs fixing . . .

The list of things Robert does just because is endless. To keep me happy, to make me feel secure, because that is his job.

And I don't think I've ever really thanked him for that.

What a thoughtless, uncaring, self centered scum I am.

So long . . .

I ditched Facebook.

Too much time, too much junk coming through. I have had enough. Finally.

Yep - - -you read that right. Goodbye Frontierville. Gonna do without the toll booth, the 33x33 expansion . . .the peanuts. Goodbye farmville requests, goodbye political propaganda, good bye network that gives my information to advertisers.

Don't think I'm gonna be missin you much.

Not sure where this came from . . .

I am surrounded by those who want to kill me.
I stand up for you, God and the wolves close in.
I love You more than every single day. Because only You know my heart and love me.
I am the center of your world, Lord. Let me never forget that.
Avenge me, Father. I am too tired to keep this up.
Confusion is my lover, Lord. It swirls around me like a thick mist, obscuring truth.
Don't you rotten people realize who loves me? Don't you know who you're messing with when you mess with me? His name is God. Alpha. Omega. I Am. This is my Father.



I'm thinking David wrote something along those lines somewhere in the Psalms.

I so know how he feels.

Summer 2010

I have grasped a few 'do's' and 'don'ts' that I will hold with determination.

Don't keep 5 kids under the age of 5 for more than 2 weeks. It will destroy your constitution.

Do make sure you keep 5 kids under 5 at least once a year . . . it feeds the soul.

Don't believe it when the chicken books say your chickens will be laying in 4 months. That's a lie.

Don't believe the salesman who promises you have 2 female ducks and just one drake. Lies . . all lies . . .

Don't allow yourself to get overheated when your my age and my weight. It destroys the rest of the summer.

Don't put your horse at JJ and Corinna's - they get really fat really quick.

Do give with all you have to those who don't deserve it. It makes God smile.

Do have Cocoa krispies whenever you want. You are a grownup, you know.

Do spend more time in prayer and Bible study. There just ain't no other way to get to know Him.

Sweet June

Everyday I ask the air -" Is it the end of May yet? Are we into June?"

Because:

I get Amy back.

I get close to seeing my babies - Rob and Jarred.

I get to harvest tomato's.

I get closer to swim with my grand kids.

I get to eat a lot more bbq.

I get closer to gathering eggs.

It gets much easier to remember my youth - summer vacations.

I am just this side of holding Ava, chasing Jocey, laughing with JooJoo, jumping on the trampoline with James and singing with Kaia.

. . . and then . . .

Then I look into the sky and say: "Is it September yet?"

A true story

An Amish elder man sat in a public briefing. There were 52 reporters there who wanted to ask questions about all things Amish.

"What makes the Amish different from all other denominations?" one reporter asked.

The elder scratched his beard and asked: "Who in here owns a television?"

52 hands went up.

"Who in here thinks that there are questionable things on television that might erode the family?"

52 hands went up.

"Now, who is going to go home and get rid of their television?"

No hands went up.

"That," the elder said "is the difference."

True story.

And this is exactly the reason I have a problem with those who see wrong, or see sin or see questionable situations and don't change. This is exactly the reason I am a member of Christ's church. Because it's all about changing into, not skating around, Him.

Natural Vanilla Bean

'Beaner . . she not dirty she cleaner'
Not a bone in her that's meaner
She knows a lot, she's not greener
Tell me have you seen her?'

When I got Nellie I was looking for a dog that would breed with Brymer. He was this tiny little guy who needed a girl toy. So I scanned the paper and found a breeder in Canyon Lake. Off I went to check out this 'female, orange toy Pomeranian. Parents on site'

There were about 53 hundred dogs there, all the offspring of this one orange male who looked about him with a sort of benevolence. The master of all he surveyed. I was awed by his looks then crashed to the ground when I saw "Wendy".

She was in that odd 3 month old puppy stage where they have none of the looks or hair of the breed. She kept jumping on the fence, desperate to get attention. The people who had first bought her had to bring her back, so she was a reject. I was not impressed, but she was what I needed, so I wrote a check and took her home. I called her natural vanilla Bean because that was my favorite and I had to have a name that began with a 'B'. (Not sure why.) Everyone who saw her thought she was unimpressive but sweet. Brymer liked her from the get go but he was the only one. Even Robert raised any eyebrow and said; " . . .oh, kay . . ."

She loved me from the second she sat on my chest. I was the center of her world. I was her personal gift from God. Only my hand would do. Only my smile would cause her to rush across the room. Her devotion was without limits, without boundary, with no reservation. She walks in her comma to me. She snores on my lap.

To me, Natural Vanilla Bean by Blue Bell is the absolute best ice cream made. There shouldn't even be room on the shelf for any of those other yellow tubs. There is no substitute, there is no ice cream close. If there is none at the store, I do without.

I named her well.

Gut Punched

Sometimes you realize something, or find out something, or finally accept something that leaves you open mouthed with shock.

It's really not going to get better this time.
It's really happening.
How in the world am I to accept this, Father?
How can I stand with this terrible knowledge?

I cannot, I will not accept it . . It just isn't in me . .

Oh, mothers heart that cannot let go.

Another List

The older I get the less I know.

The older I get the more I gape with incredulous awe at youth.

The older I get the easier it is to give people a second or third chance.

The older I get, the easier it is to understand the power of friendship.

The older I get the harder it is to let people in.

The older I get, the more set in my opinions I become.

The older I get, the more I see the importance of friendship in a marriage.

The older I get, the less I understand those who consistently change currents.

The older I get the more some things hurt.

It's easier to laugh.
Harder to cry.
Easy to forgive.
Harder to understand.
Easier to understand.
Harder to say exactly how I feel.
Easier to just go to bed earlier.

Where's the Freedom?

How do you find the line between serving and spreading yourself too thin?

I find myself surrounded by a cage of obligations which I have built. I can't seem to be able to say "No" to people, to situations . . it's as if I don't do something, maybe nothing will be done. And if nothing happens, how will they see God? Does no one worry about this but me?

And as I hear myself agreeing to, promising to, volunteering to . . I can't believe that the people asking can't see that I am in trouble. Or that the people watching me, shaking their heads that I'm " . . over doing it", do not help.

But I say nothing to them as they hug me with relieved thanks.

There is no way to obliterate some without pain, anger, confusion . . .

Father, save me from myself.

To Dana

While waiting to take the Lords supper in Denver, I handed James a green crayon. He gave me a side glance, smiled and said: "Oo-mah? Did you know I love you?"

I said: "Why, yes, I did know that. Are you aware of how much I love you?"

James: "Yes'm."

And he looked at me with these amazing chocolate eyes, twinkling as if we held a secret. Then he went back to the crayon. The surge of love I had for him at that second was astounding.

. . . and then . . .

And then I realized that Christ had an 'Oo-mah' just like James did. Christ smiled at her, adored her. Christ wanted to sit next to her. His eyes lit up when she entered a room. They twinkled at the sound of her voice.

And my sin killed that little boy.

I told Dana once that the Lords supper was sometimes just a reminder of what/Who we serve. But sometimes it makes my world tilt.

This was one of those times.

I watched Carol run the little horse, Duke, around the round pen for the 10 hundredth time. Her eyes sparkled, her walk had spring, her mouth laughed. As he messed up, she asked me how to fix it and he learned. And Carols eyes sparkled. When he did things right, she lavished him with praise and Carols eyes sparkled

I'm introducing her to something she didn't even know she loved. I'm able to teach her how to live a new time in her life safely.

Father, maybe, just maybe, all this time and money spent on horses hasn't gone to waste.

December 2007

Mom: I forgive . . .

Mike: I regret . . .

Cindy: I wish . . .

Nada: I understand . . .

Cheri: I dreamt . . .

Kelly: I cried . . .

Robert: I remember . . .

Robby: I am sorry . . .

Jarred: I release . . .