Maybe This Will Make No Sense

And I understand that humans are humans, ok? I see that, comprehend that.

But why in the world would anyone complain about a bad relationship when they are doing NOTHING to fix it???? I mean, how can you say that there's no way to get along if you do nothing - - - save feed the animosity? You're not supposed to react anymore . . . right? Christianity is about thinking and doing what's right no matter what . . . correct?

Why would you think being a Christian is easy? It's simple . . yeah, but not easy. Most of the time I've found it to be a strange world that makes no sense and generally makes me pout.

Guess if there was nothing to it, a Man wouldn't have had to die.

A Bummer

Okay, so you've been working all day, unpacking and walking about 80 thousand miles. Your calfs hurt and your feet actually throb. So, you get a hot shower and you get into bed with your ambien CR dissolving quietly inside, working it's lazy way into your bloodstream.

And just as you're fading away, you hear it. That high pitched whine . . a scratchy humming noise that comes out of your nose and actually manages an obnoxious tickle as it does so. It's a screamer . . a hanging chad with volume . . a bat screeching in the bat cave. And you have to - - there is no option here, you have to get up and evacuate the orifices.

Wadda bummer

And it didn't help that the Spurs got beat.

It'z the little 'nothing to anyone else' things . . .

Couple of real big deals (to me) today;

Kaia called me 'grandma' this afternoon!!

Ok, so she was just repeating me, but I heard this vibrant note to her voice . . as if she knew I was this amazing lost part of her that screamed to be hugged.

I listened to Robe putting her to bed. He said 'Bed' and she said 'yes' and just went off to sleep. Rob and Jarred SCREAMED when I told them it was bed time. Two minutes and they were out, but I'm surprised I wasn't questioned by CPS every night.

Cynthia again

Wadda day. Wadda day. Wadda day.

Anyone who knows me knows that when I peg, I peg big time. Ok . . you all know me. Tell me how you think I'm feeling now.

Got to keep Cynthia last night. Andy and Amy (who I missed!) came back and because I had to go get Cynthia I had to cut our visit short. Really bothered me. Like I said, I missed them.

Cynthia did well last night, She got up and was (thankfully!!!!) a very normal child. She runs and talks and chatters and picks at food and is your basic 3 year old. I was afraid she'd be weird or something.

Have a garage full of stuff I have to go through and running out of room in the house. Had the closing (at last!!) this afternoon - Cynthia was not a happy camper. Had a 'book merge' - where I talked to the publisher about the first draft. Did dinner, Robert went to visitation and I called Liz and Bill (Cynthia's foster parents) to ask what time I needed to take her home. I come around the corner and there's Cynthia sitting on the ottoman crying quietly. After I made sure she wasn't hurt I held her because I'm guessing she heard me leave the message for Liz and Bill. While I held her, she laid her head against me and still cried but was just settling down when the doorbell rang. It was Bill.

I think I'm going to bed.

Kelly

Something happened in my past that I haven't thought of in about a thousand years. It was bad. It was life altering. And I've never really understood why it happened. I didn't blame God . . at the time I didn't know or care about God. I just hated what happened and wished that there was some way I could undo it.

And tonight my niece needed me to help her though the same thing. She didn't know where to go, but for some reason, came to me, the aunt she doesn't like much at all. And I was able to help her. Because of the hell I walked, I was able to understand and help her with hers.

God doesn't mess around when He says that all things happen for a reason. Wait on it. Some day, everything makes sense.

Wait on it.

Let Those That Have Eyes See.

Been a while, been a while . .

Been seeing my mom a lot lately. Can't seem to be able to stop the pictures I have of her before she had that last heart attack. She was desperate to convey her feelings to me, but was unable to do it to her satisfaction. I can see that now. Now that the veil of all the crud that surrounds death has cleared a little. She didn't know how to tell me what she needed to - - no, what she HAD to. Maybe because it was me. Maybe it was because she was mom.

But I hear it now. And I am thankful beyond words that I looked her straight in the face, and told her that I forgave her and asked her to forgive me.

And I cried. She saw that too.

Thank you, Father. Thank you, Father.

Just a Thought

If you're driving and wish you didn't have a Christian fish symbol on your vehicle, you probably need to reevaluate your attitude.

Jarred and Jaci

Three years ago today, I was riding my horse in horrific heat, looking for my brothers dogs. He'd come to visit and had let them follow us as we trailed. About half way through, they decided they wanted to chase hogs and just like that they were gone; two huskies disappeared into the Texas brush country. We'd driven about twenty minutes from home, they were let free in a place that they had never seen before.

So I was sitting there, trying not to let on that there was NO WAY those dogs were ever gonna come back when the phone rings. It's Jarred.

He says; "Hey, Momma. Guess what I did today?" When I asked what, he said: "I got married."

Well it was a good thing that sweat makes your hiney stick to a saddle, because I almost fell off. I knew Jaci and I liked Jaci and BOOM! I'm related to Jaci.

Three years later and very rarely does a day go by that I don't thank God for that little Hawaiian gem. Wadda sweetie! Jarred has often remarked that he was smart and got her while she was young and didn't know any better - - - and while I love and admire my son, I think he's right. Three years ago today. How cool is that?

Oh, and when we pulled back into the house three or fours hours later, the dogs were waiting for us. Impossible. But true.

The Retreat

This weekend, I watched as some really wonderful women put on a very good retreat. I say 'watched' because I felt oddly displaced. I went to the river, watched the fish swim sedately ignorant of me. I saw a soft mist swirl and dance in front of an inspiring bluff. I heard ladies laugh and saw them cry.

It was like I was this detached entity, observing, but not allowing myself to get close. I ached so much to actually feel . . . and instead I felt dead. Apathetic. Alone.

Will I never be on fire again?

What if I'm never on fire again?

One of Those Times That Make You Wanna Slap Your Head.

So I'm in line at the bank and this guy looks at me, smiles and says: "I love your shirt."

I was wearing the one that has a chick running around the back end of a horse with a wheel barrel and it reads: 'I Get a Lot Out Of My Horses.'

And I thought . . .here's this man, reading my shirt and to do that he has to stare at my 'ya knows' and I INVITED HIM TO DO IT!! When I thought about it, I was totally blown away. I'd be ticked to all get out if he stared at my chest, but here I was, ASKING him to stare at my chest.

I went to Beals and bought some grown up shirts.

The Tire Swing

I remember hearing the high pitched shrill scream of cicadas while I sat on the tire swing when I was a little girl. The edges of the rubber cut into my skin, but it didn't matter then. It was early summer, hot and humid and I think the smell of sweat wasn't offensive then as it is now. I would use my toes to wind the rope around and around until it almost knotted. Then I would lift my feet, lock my knees, put my head back and unwind at about a thousand miles an hour. It would unwind, then begin to knot up the other way and you'd help it until it was time to let it fly.

The laugh that produces gives me a smile now at the memory.

A perfect diamond to time. Age cannot dim it. It is my honest prayer that I have been a part of memories like that to Rob and Jarred.

Storms

I've always wanted to see a tornado. I have been fascinated by them since 'The Wizard of Oz' when I was a little girl. The 'tornado' scene was the best part of the whole thing I thought. I wanted to be a storm chaser . . but the math beat me. Besides writing, it is the only thing I have wanted to do since I started storing memories.

Man, I love a storm. Being on the edge of danger and smiling at it . . . is that stupid or what? The danger is disregarded for that dumb 'high'. Yeah, I know it symbolizes sin and how you get drawn in and killed. I know all that.

Still, another round is due tonight . . .during the Spurs game.

It's a 2'fer.