Looking Back

I remember:

*When my hands could clench and hold on.
*When Robby was so sick I had to put drops of water in his mouth every 10 minutes to stop dehydration.
*Blue Boy.
*The way Brandee giggled during her wedding.
*The look on James face when He remembered who I was.
*David Pursch climbing to the top of the bonfire.
*The trampoline at the farm - popcorn and shooting stars.
*Being able to run.
*Singing with Jamie, Carl, Rob, Jarred, Erin, Dana, Sean, David, Julie, Lauren, Amy, Andy, Lee, Darla, Robert . . . "We Shall Assemble . . . ". "Love one another, for love is of God. He who loves is . . . ", "I am the only one to blame for this . . ."
*Jarred's prayers when he was three.
*Dufus Kitty.
*Erin's shock when she found out I didn't celebrate Halloween.
*Finding mercy in the middle.
*Tamera Coopers shout across the pews.
*The look on Amy's face while I cried.
*Robby's ache to believe.
*Darla painting Christmas ornaments while we talked.
*Jaci's smile when she rode Chief.
*The feeling in my stomach when I signed the papers on the farm.
*Dana's questions on Sunday mornings.
*Jarred's eyes in September.
*The smell of frying chicken.
*The first time I rode the Tesster.
*Jamie's realization.
*Regret.
*Cinnamon rolls for Christmas morning.
*Alice Lester's hug.
*Sarah's tears.
*Robert dead asleep, feeling my icy hand and pulling it to his chest without waking.

The mind is a nutso place. Silly things - not in any way connected . . yet binging inside my head relentlessly. Don't you hate it when that happens?

Wednesday Class

I don't know If I'm able to put this into words.

I think the worst thing that a person can do is go through life without anyone really knowing them. Is there anything harder for the soul to bear?

Case in point: Class tonight. I was teaching.

Christ came into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey,
. . . people cheering (a military king)
. . . people laying palm leaves before him (in a patriotic show of encouragement)
. . . the roman army watching (because they were waiting for a riot)
. . . the city laying before Him. And He cried.

Because He wasn't a military king, and He wasn't ready to lay it all down for Israel alone, and He wasn't there to march into the temple, and Jerusalem was 40 years away from collapse.

No one knew. No one listened. No one heard Him.

He rode amidst a crowd that cheered it's sacrificial Lamb.

Cheered.

They didn't know. They hadn't a clue. He told them and told them. Scourging, humiliation, beatings - "Go, lamb, go!" Nails and blood and sour wine . . . Totally innocent.

He stayed on that donkey while they cheered.

Joel 2:25

When I was a kid, I honestly never got to do much of anything I wanted. Forth of five kids, farm and two working parents . . . nope, I was low on the totem pole. I pretty much worked (or pretended to) all of my childhood. And while I would never voice it, I resented it big time.

I also didn't get much of anything I wanted. Forth of five . . . I didn't get new clothes, toys were few and far between or even candy I liked (when I got candy). There were 7 pork chops for 7 people. There was one plop of mashed potatoes, a spoonful of green beans. That was it. I don't think I really understood what a desert was the whole time I grew up. I was never satisfied . . and man, did I resent that.

I was the one who bore the brunt of being 4th of 5. Cheri had it worse, but I had my share. Mike was sadistic, Cindy was selfish, Nada was mean and mom and dad were occupied. I tried to be invisible, except when I wasn't. And I paid for that.

I was lost in a crowd - the funny one who cooked. I looked into the world of acceptance with envy, but I looked silently. I stayed out of the way and hopefully out of sight of tired parents and bored siblings. And that was the way it was supposed to be, right?

God told Joel: "I will make up to you for the years that the swarming locust has eaten . . . " Joel 2:25

And He did.

Robert.
Rob.
Jarred
Jaci
Brandee
James
Kaia
Julie
Ava
Jocelyn
A weight problem, horses to ride, friends who worry and love on me, four devoted dogs . . .

and a Savior that ached to comfort me the whole time.

Falling Book After Midnight

There are noises in the house tonight.

I have, in fact been hearing the sound of people speaking, all jumbled and in-distinctive . . . almost as if an old radio has been left on in the attic.

The dogs don't react to anything. Robert falls asleep in 90 seconds.

My sensibilities scorn me, my soul remembers what happened before.

So many things we can't know.

And have no wish to learn.

A Reflection

I think I've made God too small.

In my defense, how can I begin to understand what He is? How can I begin to grasp a God who listens to the cries of adoration from grains of sand? He makes the wind sigh in security . . . how can I actually perceive that?

I am below the bottom. I am unable to look toward God with my eyes jammed shut and my fists clinched over my lids. I know this. I accept this. To imagine living within the span of His residence? To actually conceive of climbing on His lap, burying my face in His shoulder?

and then . . .

then I do "accept it". Take it for granted. Flippantly profess the power that is the God.

How can You stand me?

I see nothing. You, my God, are too far above. Too far to touch, but close enough to save.

Really?

I wrote a chick yesterday who had stated that she believed that Glenn Beck should be fired - should, in fact, be shot as a traitor because of his views on the present administration.

God was so with me when I wrote her, asking if she'd ever really listened to him. And then told her that while she might not agree with him, she must, as an American, respect his right to say it.

She wrote back that she had heard him all the time (being a radio personality). He was a radical idiot who would lead this country to violence - then he'd be accountable for his words. She compared his show to the 'War of the Worlds' scare.

Really?

How stupid do these people think we are? Did they really think we'd stay in our homes, sheltered and stupid? Do they really think that people like me base our beliefs on a single radio personality? They can't think that, can they? They can't think that we're so ignorant.

. . and then,

. . . maybe they honestly believe that - if they think we will sit idly by. And if we do that, they'd be right, I guess.

* sigh *

Even Saturday night live acknowledges that he has done NOTHING . . .

. . . . and then . . .

And then he gets the Nobel peace prize.


Guess this rules out any help for the troops in Afghanistan.

A Revelation

The farms are closing down.

Because when you spend that much time in front of the computer, you're not spending time doing other stuff.

Like cleaning the house to make Robert smile.
Like helping Stamo.
Like praying for these people who're lost.
Like praying for my family.
Like playing with my dogs.
Like riding my horses.
The list is endless.

At last I've learned that there is life waiting to be lived off the computer.

Psalm 139:17-18

In Bible study last night we had to rewrite Psalm 139. Here is what I got for :17-18:


"You never forget me.
You dwell on me constantly.
I wish I could count the times You think of me.
I open my eyes and there You are - - - waiting for me to wake up and be with You."



Thanks James.

Estate Sale

When I was a child, there were objects in the house that brought certain memories to the fore instantly - the pink thing, the roast pan, the picture of those mountains . . .

There are objects in my house full of memories as well. What they will say about me one day?

The apple bowl - Will people remember I always made the ranch in that?

the green angled egg plate - Will people remember my eggs that I brought to all the potlucks?

"Two Cows Under Mesquite Lit by Moonlight and Fireflies" - Will people grin at my silly art?

The cast iron pan with the wooden handle - Will Rob and Jarred remember the fried chicken?


. . . or will they all end up in an estate sale, people haggling over 75 cents.

What will be the things that my sons, my daughters-in-law, my sisters, my friends will want to take with them to remind them of me when I'm gone?

Wow. Heavy thoughts for a Friday.

Denver Mornings

When I was in Denver, every morning I would sit in bed while it was still dark and thank God - for that weather, for the birds out the window, for the fact that I got to spend time with Jaci and Jarred and the kids and then, faintly, would come:


"Oo . .. Ooo . . Oomah? You wakin?"

Turning my head to the left, there would be James, careful in his excitement that I might get up any second. Typing this, I am smiling and my eyes are filling.

I miss that bud.

From Colorado to Texas

I sit here, waiting for the Ambien CR to kick in, listening to Robert "breathe heavy', and to the cold rain that falls outside. It's 46 degrees. Tomorrow I leave for home.

Why have I been here? What has been accomplished?

How in the world has been only 3 weeks here in Colorado? Time has flown. I have fallen even more in love with Jah, JooLee, and Jocey (a fact that I wouldn't have believed possible before now), solidified my love for Jarred, and was able to link up with Jaci like I never have before - she let me in for the smallest amount of time - I realized that I love her not just because she's the mother to my babies, but because she's Jaci, and I am getting to know her -the person. I love to be around these people. It physically hurts to think of not having them in the house.

. . . and then . . .

I am so nuts about Robert. I see how much Pleasanton, and all the humidity, grass burrs and needy animals mean to me. It has been aeon's since I went there. I realize the power of home so acutely. Those people . . those ties . . . It physically thrills me to think of opening the door to those dumb dogs, who will fight to own me again.

What has been accomplished?

Everything.

Sept 2

Time tumbles down a bottomless black hole.

And you can't climb back out.

A Walk With Jocey

Sometimes Jocelyn doesn't want me to hold her hand. She shoots ahead, practically pushing me aside. When she falls, she looks back to me, accepts my hand and ten minutes later, I am pushed aside again.

Sometimes I don't give her a choice. Crossing streets are dangerous - the hill is too steep. I tell her: "Baby, if you'd just let me carry you, it would be so much easier, so much safer." But mostly I let her push me away. She needs to learn. How will she ever run if I hold her all the time?

This is, of course a direct correlation back to me and God. A perfect analogy of how I treat my Father.

But now, thanks to grand kids, I see it from a whole new view. "Jackie, if you'd just let me carry you, it would be so much easier, so much safer."

And I push Him away.

An Unveilling

Today I realized something. It hit me so hard, it was difficult to drive. Was at BAMSE again. Surrounded by all those people. Laughing, sneering, grumbling into cell phone, rolling their eyes at an old man in front of them . . .

Me - my actions, my words, my facial features, my body language, me . . I might be the shot these people get at Christ. Who He is. What He offers. How He aches to gather them as close as He gathers me.

Sobering. Really sobering when you consider:

". . . I don't feel like it."
" . . . it's not 'Me"
". . . But I don't want to!"

Can you honestly stand on eternity and see all the chances you had while standing in fount of God? Before Christ?

Get over it, Jackie. You are the only person Christ can use. You are important. You are vital.

An astounding revelation given my past.

God knew the Whole time

Let's call a spade a spade, shall we?

Since when did my wants override everything, everyone, even God?

Isiah 47:8 "I am. And there is no one besides me."
"I AM - and there is NO one besides me."

Ray is so right. The world is bitterly lost in itself.

The Written Word

I didn't kill my wife.
I didn't KILL my wife.
I didn't kill MY wife.
I didn't kill my WIFE..


The written word is a dangerous thing.

A Psalm

Father, I am so frightened. But not for me, but rather for this land.

We are moving so far from what was once. A thief of intimidation has put his foot in the door and now is forcing his way in. He mocks the very ideals that put him in the position that now gives him power.

We were built on the foundation of freedom. Like a rock in the shoe of the world, we demanded freedom from the highest hill. And brought it to rest with an exausted sigh, worthy of esteem.

Now to be bullied into submission. Now to be silenced by a needy crowd of dogs. Now to be torn apart because we have stood by our word, our beliefs, our honor.

Everyone sees, but no one perceives. They all hear exactly what they wish.

For You know. Only you can know.

Never has Your role seemed so clear.

Poor Sap

Yesterday was the work day of the week - heavy work day outside. I moved panels, moved horses, moved the obstacle course pieces, mowed the front, used the weed eater out front (got fire ants thrown into my shirt for my trouble . . they stung me twice), put the obstacle stuff back, watered the backyard, pulled the weeds from the flagstone . . . pretty much a smelly, make you-grin-cause-you-got-so-much-accomplished- kind of day.

Robert comes in and calls me to come outside. He then points to the flowers in my color garden and says; "When was the last time these got water?"

He was getting on to me. Like I was 8.

"Well, golly, officer, I have no idea how that lawn mower ended up on top of that guy . . ."

Good Name for a Book

So here Cheri is, all lonely, a week off work and desperate to ride. Because I really can't because of the heat, Jackie is the good sister and loads panels, horse, feed and hay into the trailer and loans out Chief to my sister for a week.

Chief (Fee-Boy-Pride-&-Joy-Playtime-Toy), the good horse. The sweet horse. The follow you like a dog horse. The "Reason-I-am trying-to re-breed-Tesster-because-he's- so-awesome" horse.

Yeah. Okay . . right . . . .

Chief, the one who screamed for 12 hours straight. The one who tired to jump out of a 5 foot paneled pen. The one who bolted and would not be stopped for a quarter mile. The one who spooked so high and hard, my sister (who is a batter rider than I) almost came off. The one who tried to bite her when they got home.

Yeah. That one. The one I bragged on until I was off the ground with pride.

If you wanna learn humility, buy a horse.