March 5

I knew it was going to be a hard day.

Julie's 2 today and I don't have her around to irritate and cuddle on. She's such a card . . . . I am looking forward to her puberty almost as much as I'm dreading it. Poor Jaci - no, poor Jarred. What am I saying??? Poor me, because I have no clue how to deal with a Julie growing up.

It's been a year today. The memory of that makes me pause. Hands me regrets. Makes me angry. All the helplessness and guilt and real fear that mom might never have known how I felt because I didn't. One year. It's been at least 10. And it was last weekend.

And Kaia was sick. Sick enough to give Brandee a catch in her voice when she called. Sick enough to make my insides drop. And frustrated more than anything that I am helpless here as they live in England.