New Name for Jul-leeee

I have come up with a new name for my grand-daughter, Julie.

I've always done the nick name thing. Rob was Ruby, my priceless gem, Jarred was the 'head', James was Jah and I could never really think of anything for Julie because I never knew her.

But, after this trip, after spending time time with her, after listening to her little expressions . . Julie is now 'Jewel'. My new gem.

I have them for 3 months. I am one lucky chick a roo.

"it'z whas up"

Had our "Hutton #2" Care group last night. I had no idea these people would be so fun. (I LOVED #1, so how could these guys compare?) I learned a lot in the hour and a half and really look forward to the next. I was afraid I wouldn't care anything about this group . . man, did God show me something or what? This is going to be a blast.

I'm off to Hawaii. Got a good book and the flight ended up not being as long as I feared. Have to make sure I lay off the water/sodas. And broccoli.

If You Wanna Learn Humility . . . Publish a book

Okay . . .

go to :
www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/BookHome.aspx

Click on 'Humor' on the left hand side.
Check out number 5

. . .and there is the dream I've had since I was a young thing . . .

I think I'm gonna throw up.

A hard Wednesday

I used to think that knowledge destroyed happiness. As you go through life you hear things - too many things that are negative about those we love, or those we hold in high esteem. And so you live life knowing things you wish so badly you didn't know and try to go on, learn from it, build a new relationship from it and - - - -wham!, you learn more.

Can't you just leave things alone? Can't you just shut your eyes, plug your ears and hum a song really loud?

. . .and then . . .


But now I think that knowledge kills innocence. It really really stinks that you can't go back.

Fall

Things are starting to settle. Not really in my life, but with the year.

Autumn has always been my favorite time of year. I used to LOVE to go to school - - the smell of Elmers glue, Big Chief notebooks and the gritty scent of the chalk board. Sliding into the new desk, getting your best friend in your class, knee socks that were still white and still stayed up without a rubber band. Man, I loved school.

Autumn; the summing up, the cool down, the holidays too far away to worry about but too close to ignore, the trees, the settling accounts . . ..

The time to prepare. The time to slow.

I would've made a great ant.

Estrogen City

It's a whole new world. Rob and Brandee are having a girl . . Jarred and Jaci are having a girl. How odd is that? I'll have one grandson and three granddaughters.

But really, the Cecilia line (me) has mostly girls, the Hutton brothers (Robert and the ALL BOY siblings) have almost nothing but girls. It was just me and Barbara who had boys.

When people have mostly boys it's said that it is God preparing the world for a war. Does that mean that all girls means peace? I'll ask Rob and Jarred about that one.

Camping

Got my trailer over here at the house finally. Robert and I and the dogs and the big horses are going to Kileen on Thursday so I need to get it ready. There's just something about a camp fire under a Texas sky to help a person chill.

We're also getting Chief back to see whats what with him. With the heat, I don't expect to do much riding, but I want to be around him and the Tesster more. Just the thought of bathing, brushing, grooming . . .it is as calming as a bubble bath to me.

I realize I have no life, but boy, my horses do.

What was that?

I really need to get my eyes fixed. I couldn't see Megan's picture on a big screen during her graduation yesterday. I can't read Amy's blog anymore. When did this happen??? Am I old? The problem is that I can't wear my glasses to read the blog and then type. I'm near sighted.

So doe that mean that the screen is now considered a distance from me???

AAAARGGHHH!

This age thing stinks. Big time.

Jaci! Where are you?????

Wow. What an eye opener. God don't mess around when He goes to teach a lesson, huh?

And satan don't miss a trick.

I now know that I can't do the foster thing . . . I don't think I will be able to do it for anyone. After the mess and attitude, I was left with a girl that was as good in the heart as you can get, and she had to be returned to a lady in it for the $$$. And Cynthia? I can see that God has shut that door and has used this last bout of stuff to explain His reasoning to me. What I learned about myself was sobering. I was totally pitted out.

And then satan used 'friends' to knock me down.

I need Jah and Julee and Jaci and being able to talk and have help with the house work and being allowed to be in a down mood without dishonoring God.. I need to do cards and jewelry and paint and draw. I need to be me again.

Monday Night

There has been a nagging tick in the back of my head for the last week or so. That sense that something is not right somewhere . . that you forgot something big, or that there was a super negative feeling . . . a bad happening on the way.

I thought it was the girls. I thought it was putting too much time into something I was lukewarm at best about. I thought it was all about my attitude.

Found out last night that wasn't the case. Found out that I am a hindrance to someone in the Church - nothing I've done, just me. Me. I have no idea how to change. I am an empty hole right now.

I was told about this because it was felt that I needed to know this was the way people thought of me.

How in the world can this be encouraging?

I ache to crawl into Gods lap right now. There is no comfort here.

Me

They say that to learn new things about yourself is a good thing. It helps you to grow.

. . and then . .

The days drag on. I watch the clock, finding out stuff about me that isn't great. I find myself watching my life like an outsider. I don't know that person.

I find very little that I like. So what does God see?

Please, no platitudes. Writing therapy.

Calling All Christians!!!!

I need prayers, prayers, prayers!

God was SO right when He said "No."

No Title

What if you find out something that you always thought was there, but never really pursued because there was a chance that it was true and if that was so, then where in the world would you be?

Case in point - I KNEW that Robert felt a certain way, but pretended I didn't. Because if I did, then that would obligate me to change my way of doing something I wanted to do. Do you go ahead with something that you know your husband is not behind?

TANGAT. It's a dead issue. And I smashed two fingers today so hard I cried.

What a horrible horrible day.

My Babies!!

Jarred and I planted the grandchildren today. Ha!!!

I bought 5 crepe myrtles (did I murder that spelling or what???) of different colors and put them on the front part of my house - the yard inside the circle drive. One is James and one is Kaia and one is Julee and the other two are waiting for names. I think it will be cool to look back and remember that we put these in the ground the first year we were here and at that time I had five grand kids.

I laugh every time I look at 'Kaia'. Brandee rolls her eyes at all my 'WOW! Lookat the color on THAT crepe myrtle. Brandee is probably rolling her eyes as she reads this. HA!

Jarred

I so love having Jarred here. He's adorable.

Funny how your mind works.

Got to thinking today as I mowed the lawn with Cynthia (she stood/leaned/sat up against me) . . .

What am I working for?

Honestly, what does the condition of this lawn, the horses, the property . . .what good is it really? Rob and Jarred don't want it.

Love this house, and am SO thankful for my life . . . . how can it be so different from what my boys want?

Feeling a little lost right now.

Memories on a Summer Day

Hot sweat on baby fine hair, heat waves against a brilliant green field, dense cool shade on the hottest summer afternoon, tire swings cutting into your legs, ponies breathing hot breath against your face, running from cra-dads that jump for your toes in cold shallow creeks, splashing water all over your sister, playing horse in a field of sweet clover, the sound of cicadas as a little girl kills time on a blazing Missouri summer afternoon.

It's a sobering that these images exist only in my memory now.



Someone said you can never go home. And it's true.

A Whole New World

Now hang with me a sec . . .

I've always thought there was a whole other dimension that we can't see that exists at the same time as we do. On that other plain life is fit into shuttles, one frame after another, flipping through years. Things don't just happen there, they are made to happen - - - like a filmmaker.

Now, in this place are entities that move the world around. For example, when I put down the phone it moves it to the next place I'm going to put it so I'll know it's there. They (these 'Ace moving guys'), have to physically touch every single thing or it doesn't get 'life'.

Sometimes the entities mess up. I know this for certainty because I'll be looking for something and one second it's not there, then in the next instant, it's in front of my face. They blew it.

Think I have too much time on my hands?

Yuck

Is it just me or is it easier to sweat now? Seems like I just go out for the mail and I come back sopping. And my clothes smell funny. And the gnats are friendly. Let's not even talk about the mosquitoes.

And when it drips into your ear canal . . .

Sometimes it Feels Like it's Gonna Just Pop

I always seem to have a headache now. Amy says it's the weather and Julie says that my brain is dehydrated. I heard that motrin is best, or tylenol is best. I've tried to sit in the dark, or under the ac and killed all caffeine. No go.

I think it's because I've got too much going on and it's overload. My head won't let me forget that I'm spread too thin.