An Explanation

Wes's tests came back bad. I want to go to Arkansas just to give one hug, then come back.

My Dralena's tests came back bad. I have this great need to just put my hand on her - just to feel that she is near.

My brother, Mike had a heart attack. He's 51.

I will not be negative around people. I will not. I will not.

Wes is optimistic. Dralena is quiet and Mike is all right now.

I will smile around people. I will.

No wonder my head won't stop hurting.

. . . and then . . .

This is an unreal 2 weeks.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then you think of how it could get. And then you shudder.

I Thought it was Just Brymer & Nellie

Was staring across the desk at Darla Royal today and I thought; "She's one of those too."

"Those" being people who accept/love/put up with me no matter what.

Darla with her quiet strength. And her listening ear. And her loyalty. And her emphatic tear filled eyes

Jennifer Maxwell. she would drop everything, even Mike if I needed her. Awesome.

Dana Lamore - her love makes me fearless. I rest in the security of Dana.

Kara who needs me almost as much as she loves me. She loves me enough to let me overprotect her.

Jaci who is a friend first and foremost, then family. She is so patient. She is a smile.

And, believe it or not, the list goes on. Susie, Robert Fuselier, Corinna, Donna, Betty, Jamie, Mike, James, Rachel, Karen, Dralena, Alice, Misty, Brad . . . the world is full of unreal people. God gave them to me.

This is not a blog to cover bases. It's an reference of my worth. These people are amazing. And I am special to them.

So I must be doing something right.

My Sweet Paula

Went forward today at Church. Too much hitting me too fast. I needed power and needed it yesterday.



. . . Cheri, Kelly, Amy, Andy, Karen, Robert, Paula, Rob. . .



And it was like there was something else. Something big. And then I opened Wes's e-mail.



If you are blessed in life, you have one of those "no matter what, no matter how long it's been since you spoke, no matter what you do" friends. They stand by you. These people are really odd. They love and accept me no matter what. I don't irritate them. They actually seemed pleased to see me. Just having one is an unreal blessing.

I have four. Robert Hutton, Sarah Morlock, Amy Lamore and Paula Tarte.

Paula lives in Arkansas. She and her husband Wes would play cards with Robert and I into the wee hours. She knows things about me that NO one knows. She listens. She laughs. And I adore her. I always have. And will.

She's getting sucker punched as we speak. Unfair and surprisingly violent, the hits just keep on coming to her.

Can she feel the love I have for her across the miles? Like I felt that something was up on July 6th?

Pray. Please.

Sometimes

Sometimes you have to sit back and allow God to love someone enough to do what He needs without hindering Him so they will come back.

Sometimes you have to listen to a love so large you can't comprehend.

Sometimes you have to let go of all the wisdom of this ball of mud and allow that there is Someone who knows more than you and better than you and stronger than you ever imagined. And He wants her back - is desperate to have her back.

I have to tell Kelly that.

JustJackieRamblin

It is so cool to finally be able to not be exhausted totally at the end of the day. I used to get up, ride to work, work, ride home (in 103 degrees) and just sit there in this confused daze as I carefully didn't lean my sweaty back into the cushions of my sofa.

Now I do all that with an extra jump. I'm not tired at 10 o'clock. (Yes, you read that last correctly. I don't go to bed until 11 now. ) I am painting and moving furniture and actually spending time with the horses. Too cool.

Sure I'm having insomnia, sure my blood pressure is too high, and sure, I'm way too fat,

But other than that, I'm goood.

Oh, and I miss Jarred/Jaci and the kids.

And I don't know what I would do to see Kaia, Rob and Brandee. And I don't think I'd know Ava if she was handed to me in the street.

But other than that . . .

Oh! A quick not to those I haven't really talked to in awhile:
I sure do love Darla.
And Dana.
And Paula - I so miss Paula.
And *Donna.
And *Donna.

But really, it's cool. Finally.



*Those are two different people."\

To Jaci

If you hadn't turned that left a long time ago and met Jarred . . ..

I wouldn't know James. I wouldn't know Julee. I wouldn't know Jocelyn. I would know Ceal, and Joe and Gen. I wouldn't know Jade. I wouldn't laugh with you. I wouldn't get to ride horses with you. Or make broccoli. Or try your chicken bread, or giggle at the guys behind their backs, or sit next to you in services, or almost bust with pride at the job you do as a wife and mother. And daughter. Or watch your face at Bible study. Or a zillion other things that has happened because you decided to give my kid a second glance.

You can second guess the rights and wrongs of every decision and go nuts with 'What if's . .. "

But the simple fact is - I have you. And the my world is a better place because of that.

And it ain't even a Monday

Wadda day. And a rotten one it was, I'm here to tell you.

Had a doctors appointment. Found out some not so great stuff and went back to work and ended up having to have John drive me home because I couldn't drive. Spent the rest of the day laying low. Missed church. Didn't get to see my horses like at all, Robert was so worried I thought he was going to cry. I didn't finish payroll, I didn't enter anything new in the computer, I didn't check billing, I didn't get to see Amy or Darla, or Jennifer or Mike or Kara, or Mildred or Alice - - crud, this list could REALLY go on and on.

Wadda rotten day.

HA!

I was riding to work yesterday and the mama dog and three of her puppies came out at me !!!

She's gained weight and the puppies are way too cute. It was kinda hard to make sure it was her, but them I could tell. Her little thingies were all shriveled just like . . uh. waitaminute.

Maybe we shouldn't go there.

My Saturday

So here I am at work on Sunday because this is the only time Robert could get in to check the server for Robert (Fuselier). I come in and there's notes from people telling me that I blew it again with the billing. I looked over everything and I didn't. So I have to pray for tact when they come in so it doesn't ruin my day.

Cheri came in and cleaned my house yesterday. It is CLEAN and it smells SO good, I think I'm a happy happy camper. I could get all kinds of stuff done yesterday because I didn't have to play catch up on all the housework on my Saturday. I even re-seeded the back two pastures AND cleaned out the tack room! It was great! That chick is hired!

It rained last evening! Real rain. thunder and lightning and decent showers for about 20-30 minutes! The ground smelled all sour. But the seeds will take, I hope.

I think that's why God held off on the rain. I've been needing to put that grass out for 6 months. But since I didn't God must have held off on the rain until I did.

So the drought is my fault.

Observation from Horseback

Why do cars never come up in front and behind you at the same time, forcing you to the far curb until you're over that part in the road with the overhanging branch?

Like, EVERY time.

Stand in the Rain

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone
Feels like it's all coming down
She won't tun around
the shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear
The Tears will not stop raining down


I am back to the 'coke bottle spinning'.

And even if all the things, that consume my time like a sponge drinking water, what good is it?

How can you spend so much time doing good things and be so overwhelmed it becomes work you HAVE to do? I love these people. But I am so tired of all this.

Then what do you do with the guilt that results from that that?

And the fear's whispering, if she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down.

Update

Rode past there this morning. I heard two puppies yap, but that was all. If it was possible to catch them, I would have tried to catch them. Even played around with the idea of bringing food there and making sure they kept fed.

And then . . .

There are just no good answers here.



What a rotten start to the week.

A Dog Story

When I ride to work I go back behind the elementary. It's all wooded and peaceful. Probably the best part of my ride.

The only problem is that there is a mama dog - probably a drop off, who has about 6 puppies. You can see her ribs and backbone from the back of a horse. She is very protective, snarling and barking right up underneath Tesster. And while Tess usually loves to go after dogs (she has a distinct sadistic streak), she does not like this dog. I don't understand, but it must be saying things only she can understand, because she flat out wants to bolt away from her and all the little yappy pups who follow her lead. It's irritating. Still, I feel bad for the mama who obviously is starving trying to keep her puppies fed.

That all changed this week. The mama dog was gone. I was met with half hearted barks and tails tucked as I rode home Friday. They were alone. And it occurred to me that the mama must have been killed. The puppies were now on their own. Probably because some person didn't find $80.00 to get a dog fixed.

Next time I ride I'll look for her, but I don't think she's coming back. She wouldn't have left those puppies all by themselves to contend with the huge black and white thing if she had been able to.

Bummer. Big time.

Back in the saddle

Like Jaci, I'm trying to get back into the Blog stuff. It's just hard, but I know how much I look forward to reading other peoples stuff. Maybe you all miss me..

It's Friday and the weekend is packed. I hate it when I do that, but I ALWAYS do that!
Tesster is out back, waiting on me. She calls really loud when anyone walks out the pack of PAC, hoping it's me ready to get home. She is kinda puny - thinking i might need to get some penicillin in her. also, she has a shoe loose and a horizontal crack on her right fore. Hate to think I'm gonna have to ride Chief in instead of her.

Good thing I'm sure of my salvation.

Brymer has finally begun to come out of his stroke. That seems to happen much more frequently than before. that sends me into a spiraling mood.

Have a riding lesson, so I'm out the door to get started on the ride home. It's cool today. Only 95 degrees.

Well, this is depressing.

The sun . .. ohmiword, the sun. This heat is almost frightening. It waits, crouched and ready to destroy. The door has become an oven door. The grass looks tired. The tomatoes are dying, the horse sweat in the shade, under the fans. I abhor the heat. Always have.

The House is quiet now. Back to Robert and I. And Nellie. And Brymer. Work is quietly impossible - I will never be finished. Tess is patiently waiting to head home. I am dreading the walk out to throw on the saddle.

But the horses need hay, Nellie needs to come back inside and I have to see how Brymer is now. He stroked this morning.

Like - - Wow

The funniest thing about all the hub bub over the KSAT interview is the way I feel when people make a big deal out of it.

It's a self image thing. I hate the way I look and I work to look better and I don't and I HATE to have people notice me. People always think I'm joking when I say that, but those who know me know.

I thought all this would be fun, but I hadn't realized how it would grow. It makes me squirm to be under the microscope. I now know - LOTS of people have called- that I am and have been watched for a while.

I told Meg the other day that it made me uncomfortable to have people looking at me. And she said: "Duh! You're on a black and white horse in the middle of town. What do you expect?"

'Duh' is right.

But it's my personality. I have to learn to deal with all this or hire some pretty , witty chick to play 'me' through it.

Thanks Darla

When I blew up at Stacy, I found myself irritated - no, infuriated, most of all by her total lack of anything or anyone outside her sphere. Being European, she sure has a different mid set than what this 'dyed in the wool Texan as soon as I could get here' girl. It is hard to watch and not act negative about her total negativity.

"All Americans are fake, and Texans are the worst.."
"Why do you ask people how you are and keep going?"
"Why don't you and Robert argue? There's no yelling here."
"Why are you smiling all the time?"
"Life is hard and the world is not good."
"There is too much Church here."

After a couple of months of this, I'll admit, I was ready to blow. Stacy just provided one too many opprtunities.
After I chilled a little, I sat her down and told her that unless you put others before self, the world is a rotten place. I told her about serving no matter what. No matter who. I told her: "It's so much better to think good and help others. Can't you see that, Stacy?"

I got a blank stare.

I started the ball. Help me to trust that it is moving. Because I can't see a thing.

I'm headed out again. Have ridden to work the last two days and it's been pretty cool. It's been okay in the mornings, but the evenings . . .?

Now it's 99 degrees and high humidity.

Tesster is offended. But then again, she's the Tesster. what else would you expect?

Stacy

I lost it so totally last night.

When the boys were small, and then growing, I wasn't a person who hollered. I was above that. It just meant a person had 'no control'. In fact, the boys were more frightened of my low demon voice. Besides play fighting, I don't remember ever raising my voice to them.

I screamed at Stacy last night. Something in me snapped and I opened fire. I snarled at her like a rabid wolf about responsibility, taking responsibility, and disrespect of a magnitude I have never, never dealt with concerning my own kids. Then I told her I couldn't stand to be around her and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door.

To her credit, she was wise enough to take it. Wise enough to take the blame. Wise enough to apologize over and over and over.

But I lost it.

Is that good or bad or both? And how do I stop the shaking of fury that I still deal with this morning?