What is the definition of "You"?

A question out into the void: Is there something in your life that defines you as you? I mean, when you think of this thing, it's your name that comes to a persons mind. This is something that defines you as you.

For example, I was putting up with all the stable work and I realized that enough was quickly becoming enough; the horses would have to go. And I stopped short because I realized that 'Jackie' was so interwoven into that life that I wasn't quite sure who I was, or would be without the Tesster. She's the back to my front, the left to my right. It's the same with Robert. What am I without him? It was odd to think of what I would be. No, it's impossible.

But more than a horse or a husband, is Christ. If He was gone . . .man, does that give you the shakes or what???

Bible Study

I have to admit, I wasn't very excited about last nights Bible Study. I was all 'blah' and really just wanting to watch 'Wives Swap' and go to bed. (I do LOVE Monday nights.)

But, man, it was a great time and a great study! People talked and I learned all kinds of stuff that I need to know to build relationships. Best of all, there were people there who really needed to come, and it was so nice to see that. AND I ate 2 pieces of pizza AFTER 6pm. I am such a wild thing.

Anyone got property for sale???

I have GOT to find some acreage. The horses are having to stay on sand, I'm putting out tons of hay for them, and when I am late, the guys who work there throws hay and while that's nice and all that, he gives huge amounts that the horses trample and ends up getting thrown out because they won't eat 'peed on' hay, and I end up wasting lots and lots that cost $9.00 a bale now, I can't afford $9.00 a bale when I go through 6 bales a week - Now, THAT was a long sentence - - sorry Amy. Anyhow, you do the math.

But if I buy just land and build a barn then I have to worry about neighborhood thugs . . uh, children exercising their freedom from their parental controls, messing with the mini's. Then there's the horse gets impaled on top a t post and is ripped open (been there, done that) and is injured up until I come back out to the property, be that 5 minutes or 5 hours. And what about coyotes? And bobcats? Nope. The only hope for it is to move lock stock and barrel back to the country or sell this house. I'm beginning to comprehend that I can't have both.

I just wish I didn't love this house so much.

Sugar

There must be something in your brain that screams: "SUGAR!!" sometimes. I'm going along, all not hungry and smiling when I must have something sweet. It's like I'd pull a knife out of the sink that I used to spread jam for the remnants that might remain on it (actually getting a jar out and spreading it on a piece of bread would take too long.)

I don't even care if it's healthy . . . I want sweet and if you're wise you won't stand between me an it.

Specific Prayers

Betty Rachly told me Sunday as I chomped on DQ chicken strips, that she wants to pray and be really specific. That kinda threw me for a loop.

First off, how in the world can we know what is the best and right thing? Isn't God the only One who sees the whole picture and knows what He wants/needs me to do? Isn't it selfish to diss God for the sake of things that you want - - The "God, I'll use it for You!" - sort of mentality. How can you lay it in God hands and pray specifics at the same time?

. . .and then . .

Then isn't just 'praying for God's will' a cop out? Isn't that like telling your kid, "I could care less what you want, I know what's best and am not even interested in your thoughts"?

We're human. So, is it really selfish to ache for something? Aren't we being unfair as all get out toward God to think that He doesn't want to hear from us?

What if it's not want God intended? Won't God work through any decision we make, even the bad ones? (Rahab/Ruth/Bathsheba with David).

So where does that leave prayer? Especially specific, "Lord, I need You to put a good Christian man in my sisters life and let her actually see it and see You through him" prayers? To quote a brother of mine; What are your thoughts? Share them with me.

What is the real Issue?

I think it's not how you feel about a person that is important, it's how you allow those feelings to affect your actions that constitutes prejudice.

Race is such an issue - and you can scream about it being justified, or reversed or excusable or whatever . . . it lives and it's healthy. But I look around at the world today it appears that we may not like a certain race (for example, liberals . . is that a race?) and we realize that they will see things different, and act different. So you take that into account, help them, while you grumble at their politics.

They will always be what they are, however, their race doesn't define you.

Animals react to situations. Then they go on. They ponder nothing abstract. They just do what they do. Humans, however, are not unreasoning reactionary beings. I wish the world would realize that.

Friday, January 19th

Wadda great day.

I got Cynthia early this morning and got to keep her until about 5:30. I got to see Amy Brymer and she fell head over heels for Cynthia - and backed me 1000%. Saw my little sister for lunch and she was floored by Cynthia and backed me 1000%. Had Megan come over and she was totally in love with Cynthia and wanted to trade places with me 1000%. Had the Lamores, Kellys and my sweet Roxanne over for dinner and 'Loaded Questions' and had a GREAT time. the Spurs won, Brymer didn't stroke again, and it's 42 degrees with a constant mist outside while there's a fire inside.

Wadda great day.

The State that Begins with 'Tex' and ends with 'Us'.

It has been SO AWESOME to sit in front of the fire with popcorn and a good movie. Being from the north, I am so tickled at this weather. It represents so much security against the cold of winter that it makes me all cozy and lazy.

. . and then . . .

And then I realize that I am ready to get the tomatoes in the ground and the sod in place. I'm ready to mow lawns and drink ice tea in the shade. I want to feel the heat on my skin and smell Tess's sweat. I'm ready to go 90 to nothing in the pool.

Oh my word! I've crossed over.

Big Brothers

"A sister? I'm gonna have a sister?" Jarred said when I told him about Cynthia, the 3 year old little girl we're trying to adopt. Both him and Jaci were coming through the phone because they were so excited. Then he said; "Man, I feel sorry for the boys who try to date her with me and Rob around." When I told Rob about that, he said, "You got that right."

I have great kids.

My sweet Friend

Here we are, both 45, on our own, loving the empty nest thing. Who would want more? We do.

Robert and I are trying to do this huge, life changing thing - adopt a 3 year old little girl. And I know people think we're nuts. But Amy Lamore looked at me with this amazed sparkle in her eyes and said; "How wonderful for you!" I didn't know how much I needed to hear that, but God did and used her to tell me. And I was reminded again of how much I thank God for her, my ever constant, ever accepting friend.

Please pray that this happens.

January 12, 1981

26 years ago today.

On this date, 26 years ago, I was very pregnant with Robby (obviously not a Christian at the time) and working an 8 hour board shift at KFBD radio in Waynesville Missouri, watching the clock. Robert was going to pick me up at 6 and we were headed to Rolla to my brother's trailer. My sister had arranged to have a preacher meet us there and we were going to get married. He'd already questioned us the day before, so I wasn't all freaked about it, but I was nervous as all get out. What was I doing??? Robert was this deadbeat guy, who was shipping off to the far away land of San Antonio Texas to go to Basic. All I could think was that I really should marry the father of my baby. A divoce was an easy thing for a later day.

Robert comes to pick me up with his mom, Barbara, and brother, Richard, in the car. (Robert's dad didn't come. It was bowling league night.) For some reason lost to time, I sat in the back with Barbara, while Robert and Richard sat up front, playing a video game as we drove the 30 odd miles to Rolla.

WHAT WAS I DOING?????

We get there and every one - Me, the preacher, Mom, Cheri, Barbara, Richard, Debbie (my brothers wife) and Robert are all doing the small talk thing when I hit my wall; If we didn't do it quick I was outta there.

So we get married, Robert all serious, me snorting because the ring (I bought it at Walmart) wouldn't go over my swollen third finger. We received a set of glasses. And Debbie made a cake.

26 years ago. So many ticks of the clock.

I liked him then, now I love him only second to God. I didn't really give him any credit then, now I respect him and his opinion more than my own. I didn't give him a thought most of the time then, now I trust him with every part of me. He was cute then. Now he is handsome.

How in the world do people live without God?

Just Jackie Rambling - And I do Mean Ramble.

I must really have great insulation in my house. It's 80 degrees outside and I need a coat on in here because it hasn't heated up yet from the night low of 40. Wish that would reflect on my bill.

Robert if really cool and I love him and all that, but if he don't do something about his hearing, I think I'm gonna start popping him upside the back of his head. The rest of my life will be a picture of me repeating EVERYTHING to him . . . And he always says; "What did you say?" when I tell him that I'm tired of his deafness - my kingdom for a new line!!!!!!!

I'm worried, worried, worried about Ceal, Jaci's mom. Something's up with fluid getting into her head . . . scary. I so wish I could be there for Jaci and Gen right now. For those of you who don't know her (which would be most of you) she is an awesome person. I always thank God that He gave me in laws that I really like. Ceal is one of those people that I think I would try to get real tight with even if her daughter wasn't married to my son. And now she's sick. And I'm an ocean and 2/3rds of a continent away.

I am so ready for spring. Just the garden thing. I seem to think a lot of getting dirty lately. It's nice to want to work at something instead of too tired to care.

I am so ready for winter to begin! I LOVE fireplaces and cold rain and herbal tea. And quilting. And movies. And Spurs games. And the way Nellie snores when she's curled up next to me on the couch.

I love my house. I don't know what I'd do to have it in the country (no more than 15 acres, thank you), but I so enjoy just sitting in it, listening to the three squirrels that live in our oak tress sprinting across the roof.

I have something big on the horizon and I have something HUGE on the horizon. Can't think long on either of them . . . I'm too thankful for my life right now.

Heaven

What is your view of heaven?

I have always heard the 'streets of gold' stuff, and mansions (not over the hilltop), and to be honest, those descriptions don't mean much to me. Streets of gold would be notoriously soft - they'd rut easy, right? And I hate big houses.

But the thing I do love . . the thing I feel closer and almost euphoric about is that feeling when you're at a Church function, surrounded by people who love God and love you totally. All the politics and gossip and anything negative simply doesn't exist. It's about living love - making love tangible. If heaven is about that, I will pray for Christs coming with zeal. That and I can't wait to be able to sing and hit an e without my voice cracking.

Don't talk down to me

The pat Christian answers just don't cut it most of the time and, in fact, infuriate you should someone condensendingly murmur one to you. I hate being patronized.

I guess we really don't want to hear when's and why's and whatever's when it comes to being scared, or worried, or the spiraling downhill plunge into blind faith.

. . and then . . .

And then you realize that's all some people have to offer and they ache to be of help in any way. It's a sobering thing to be helpless in the face of a sister who tells you she's scared in a soft voice. Helpless stinks.

None of this make sense, except to those of you who've been there.

Resolutions

My resolutions - and like Andy, I need to be held accountable if you see me blowing it.

1. No soda (High fructose corn syrup, see ya.)
2. More water.
3. Nothing to eat after 6pm - ever.
4. Be a better housekeeper.

Now the important ones . . .

1. Pray lots more.
2. Study more books of the Bible.
3. Always ALWAYS stop and think how I come across.
4. Make Dralena Kelly laugh out loud more often (she did on Christmas day and I really liked the sound of it)

I'll probably think of more later. Don't worry, I know where to find you if I do.