Number 4!!!!

Ava Faye Hutton was born at am, weighing 8lbs and 6oz and 19 & 3/4 inches long! Rob's supposed to send me pictures tonight and if I can fugure out how to put them up, I will. He said she looks just like Kaia.

Couple of Questions

How do you give mercy when you simply can't abide being in the same room with the person who needs the mercy?

How do you show love when there is NO want to work at it?

How do you deal with the total disappointment in yourself at being unable to show Christianity?

Will I ever not feel so tired?

That thing . . waiting in the wings?
Still there.

Kaia!!!

Kaia is two years old!!!!

And the thing that really gets me less than happy is the fact that I've only got to see her like twice her whole life! When we look at her on line, she's this little blur. She goes mach 9. And she talks like Madison Tullus - (BTW - Congrats to Madison!!! My new sister!)

We're going to England the 2nd of January, and I'll get to hug on her - if she'll stop long enough for me to catch her. Kaia AND England. Sounding pretty cool.

What Goes There?

Time is speeding up again - and I thought it couldn't go any faster. Have too full a plate right now but I can't help but feel uneasy. Waiting.

Like there's something in the wings.

Darla, You Started a Good One . . .

In response to Darla . . .

OHMIWORD! How can people not be aware of what is happening to our children today??? It BLOWS me away that people think a kid should get a PHD for breathing.

It would be different if it was all they could do. We're talking about laziness that is encouraged by the parent. I have to disagree with Cryssy - it's not about encouraging imagination and striving for a child who works at it, (I'd pick up an office building behind the kid to encourage that) . . it's about telling a kid they can do absolutely anything they want and the world owes them not only a living but a GOOD living. What has happened to us????

Where will we be a generation from now.

A Letter to Mom

I wanted to call my mother today.

After all is said and done, after the silence of the last 9 months, after knowing that she never really thought much on me anyhow, after the roller coaster of my emotions (I thought) had finally leveled . . I just wanted talk to my mom.

Stupid things. Like:

"I finally did it, Mom. I am published."
"Julie likes me now, Mom, I think James loves me."
"It's way too hot here. I don't fell 'holiday' at all."
"Have I told you about Barbara? "
"How could you stand being away from my kids? I am miserable that I can't see Kaia."
"If you come over, I'll make you some tacos"


How come I can't grasp the fact that she'll never pick up the phone again? Where is all this coming from.

It's hard to see the screen.

A Royal time

I love to laugh so hard that you cry.

Went to the Royals tonight and Darla and Lee got to talking about something funny and I had to work hard to keep from spewing water all over them, I was laughing so hard. Darla is fun to watch when she gets tickled.

They sure are good company.

An eye opener

Do we really know people? Or do we only see the part of them that they choose to show us? I think the latter. Definitely.

I was talking with a lady (ie:'chick') about what's going on with her and I got so much more than I needed to know. Awful, terrible things about a person I thought I knew well. Now I realize I don't know him at all.

I sat there, listening, a long prayer beeping in my mind: "Father, help her! Father, help me to help them! How in the world did I end up with such a great man? "

It really makes you feel kind of stupid. That person didn't just wake up one day and decide to become a jerk. It was there all the time, right under my nose and I never saw a bit of it.

Wow.

Intimidation stinks.

I HATE people who come up to you, hand over a folder with the chance to buy cookie dough, or wrapping paper or pecan pies or WHATEVER. For their kids or their grand kids. For trips to Florida or Sea World or to England for a senior trip.

Lord help you if you don't buy stuff from them . . you have to go to church with these people, or work with them. Had someone come to my door (from church) to get in my door so her grand kid (not from church) could get me to buy something I had NO want to buy. It was intimidation, pure and simple. And people do it all the time.

I just gave her $10.00. Didn't buy a thing.

Doubt

What is it that makes us doubt ourselves?

When I was starting the publishing thing, I was so sure that what I wrote was a good work. I wanted an honest opinion so I asked Johnnie Rosenhaur to read it to tell me what I needed to have done to get it published. He really, really liked it and said all I needed were illustrations. I sat at the table reading the gallery when it came in and I was so happy with my phrasing and the whole thing.

Now, here I sit, scared to have anyone read it. I don't think it's any good anymore. In fact, I think it's poor. I was at Darla's and she was looking at the first chapter on line and all I could think was that I didn't want her to read it. It wasn't good enough for her to read.

I'm beginning to think I should never have ventured this far.

And now presenting . . .

Every time I spend any real time with my book, my stomach starts to hurt!

I have to decide on 3 markets to sell my book. I want to go out of the state of Texas (for at least one of the areas), but am overwhelmed with my options. Did some research and found out that Texas was #1 in the nation for horse ownership, California is #2, Oklahoma is #3 and Missouri is number four.

Here's the problem: Which of the three states should I focus my book on? And which markets inside these states should I consider???

I've narrowed it down to Texas and California, but where in Texas would I sell the most books? Dallas/Ft Worth? San Antonio? Houston? Abilene? And where in California? Fresno? Los Angeles?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I am tempted to go with Kansas City if for no other reason that it is because my book started in Knob Noster, just a skip down highway 50 from there.


My stomach really hurts.

Negativity

Have just about decided to stash all negative feelings and simply ignore them. (Read Amy's blog and got to feeling guilty, I guess.)

Because, honestly, who gets edified by that? Should I expect people to understand? Do I really want them that close? If they were that close, would I even need to say anything at all? Isn't it just a case of me wanting to vent and get pats on the back?

And shame on me for that.

Rocky

I am so SICK of getting punched in the stomach.

It seems like I have been insulted and taken advantage of too many times to count.

And satan is using people I love to kick and slap and insult me. And I can't say anything. My eyes sting with unshed tears. I am powerless.

I feel like the end of Ricky 1 where he's standing in the middle of the ring yelling for Adrianne. But it's me, in the middle of my life crying out to God . . . Please, please come rescue me.

It's aliiiiiive.

A whole new month. I've been so busy I haven't had time to write.

But to let you know, I'm alive and kicking. Been to Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York and Vermont.

Things I've found out about myself.

1. I can teach the Gospel.

2. I REALLY want to live north where there's trees and cold.

3. I am much more attached to my husband than I thought I was.

4. I am way too hard on myself.

5. I can change - - if I decide I want to.

Just'a ramblin

Well, I feel like slime!

Susie Pursch's father passed away and I couldn't make the funeral. (In my defense, all I had to drive was the 89 step side without air conditioning with the two kids because Jaci was at work), but still, I feel horrible. I've always felt like weddings were optional, funerals were mandatory. I broke my own rule.

The puppy I was supposed to get I had to get early because the mother turned on them and really injured a couple of them. One was Jaci's and we ended up having to put it down. Super bummer.

Rode Chief. He's AWESOME - has a fantastic lope (that would be a three beat gait that is smooth for you guys who haven't read my book yet.) I have to make sure to keep him ridden or all the training is for naught. Have to treat it liker a job.

Have to go. Jaci's fixing dinner (YEHAAAA!!!) and I'm keeping an eye on the kids.


s

Argh!

If . . .

it's raining and you're being passed by a lady with a horse trailer with a black and white horse inside it, you might need to check your speed.


Perhaps get up to the speed limit? Even up to five miles under the speed limit?

Lessons

Have come to the conclusion that I am a better grandmother than I was a mother. Stupid things that used to tilt the world for me now are so trivial.

For example, I had a lady at Church go on and on about how great her one year old was doing with potty training. I got to thinking; "So what if he learns in one year or two or three? Rob took two days to learn and Jarred took a solid year. Does that matter AT ALL now?"

I wish I would have known that when the boys were little. I would have smiled more.

Catch up time

Wow and is time fleeting or what? I'll bet if I went back and gave myself a dollar for every time I've blogged that . . .well, I'd be taking money from myself, so I don't guess I'd be rich! But I'd be uh . . . amazed.

Am busy busy busy with the kids, work and other less than fun stuff around here. It is so cool to have Jaci here to talk to. Just to have her nod is great. And she likes to help with the horses!

Have to come up with a nick name for Kaia. It really bothers me that I haven't gotten the chance to know her yet. We're going to England when Brandee has the next baby in December and am really hoping that something will slap me like it did with Jah and Jewel. I'm thinkin 'Flash'.

My throat hurts. Jah had a temp yesterday. Are the peanuts in early?

Got plates for my GMC. WOOOOO HOOOOO!

Have to put the kids in the tub and get settled in for 'Wives Swap'. I love Mondays.

Humility

So there I was, all proud and stuff, pulling up my book on google and amazon and dalton when Jarred says; "Mom, did you mean to misspell 'humility'?"

There it was, big as life - 'If You Wanna Learn Humilty . . .'

HA!!

Friends

People who use relationships to further their own ends.

People who turn a bad situation of others into payoff for themselves.

People who use another to cushion their fall, or their path or their climb.

Living around those who deal with these things and the total uselessness as I look on.


Are there words that convey the depth of my contempt?