Time and Memories revisited

I have often felt as if I was being watched. Not so much a scary thing, but a certainty that I am not alone in a room. It occurred to me tonight that it is probably someone I know and know well doing the watching; Me.

How many times have I looked back to a time in my past and begged God for another chance? A chance to change something. Or do something? Or how many times do I look back with longing? Look back on when I was free and happy and full of hope?

I am convinced that time lays in layers. I am 80 years old rocking great grandchildren while I am eight and running my little tri colored pony down an embankment - as I sit and type this blog. We are spiritial beings.

Who's to say that we can't dwell on more than one layer of time? Sure, what's done is done. You can't change stuff, but maybe, just maybe, that's me in the corner of the living room, looking back with a strong good memory of now? Isn't it just possible that feelings leave an imprint that is stronger than time? Stronger than the physical world?

Heavy thoughts for a Thursday.

The power of Bad

You know how it is to realize something that you don't like? And you want to talk about it because you're human and that's what humans do. But to speak it aloud gives it a kind of 'wrong 'power. (Is there any way this make sense to anyone except me?) To vent it helps no one. It would only hurt people to have it voiced. And it would destroy me. It's evil. And a selfish part of me wants to spread it.

In the Fifth Element, the president is told not to fire on the ball of pure evil because 'Evil begets evil'. Makes it stronger. Gives it power. And evil never uses power for good.

So I'm gonna shut up and color.

The Prodicals Father

I was thinking this morning that the holiday season must have been doubly awful for the Father of the prodigal son. Waiting for the lost to come home is hard enough without adding all the gaiety and joy that circles around Him as He does. (I realize that there was no 'Christmas' back then, so insert any Jewish festivity here.) He probably dissed the whole holiday thing, politely turning down the eggnog, and smiling faintly at the carols that are sung behind Him while He stands vigil at the window. His concentration wouldn't be on parties, gifts . . it probably wasn't even on 'good will toward all men'. It was centered on His lost boy.

So while Christmas swirls around us all, I think on my God. I can see Him, staring out the window, His focus intent on the road just out side the house. He never sleeps, He never moves from there. Because maybe, just maybe, that kid will turn that corner. Maybe He'll get him back. I think this season means nothing to Him, save how it can bring the lost home. While we live our lives, He continues His love with a terrible but 'beyond words' beautiful patience.

Wow.

Loaded Questions

We were at the Lamores playing a game called 'Loaded Questions' on Thanksgiving. It was an eye opening game. If you want to really get to know a person, play this game. It would be hard to come away from this unscathed - - if you are totally honest.

The questions is asked, the players put down their response, turn them in and the 'Asker' has to guess who answered each. You get points for the correct response. The people who answer get a point too - I guess to encourage honesty. And the questions! 'What is your greatest fear?', 'What is the most frightening thing ever?', 'I am smarter than _______'. and so on. These are not shallow questions. Some of them, in fact, we had to skip on, because there's only so much you can allow people to know. I mean, you are much more comfortable around some people than others.

Like I said, it really aids in learning, and knowing, and daring to reach out. But I'd only tell you to play it if you're willing to let people in. And if you are sure you want to know truths about others.

Thanksgiving day

J to the forth (Jarred, Jaci, Jah and Julie) are in England, spending Thanksgiving with Brandee, Rob and Kaia. And I am watching their kids play, seeing Jaci and Brandee get to know each other (How weird - they're sisters now.) and seeing Rob and Jarred actually enjoy each other - they never did that when they were here.

Have any of them got a clue about the amazing time of their lives they are living now? Never again will things be so new and fresh. Never again will they lay foundations that they will live with the rest of their lives.

I can see them reading this, saying: "Huh?" But for us who have been there (and are working on 26 years together or more), we know. Things I did when I was 19 still haunt me. And some things still make me smile.

Youth is SO wasted on the young. Just ask me.

I Must Be on a Driving Slant

Or how about the cop who rides in the slow lane on a 70mph road going 65 - I imagine just to flex his arrogant muscles, because there's a line of cars behind him about 3 miles long of people too paranoid to pass him?

What? Are they that unsure of the accuracy of their speedometers? Come on! If your speedometers is wrong, so are the other 89 thousand people too chicken to get in the passing lane! Plaaaa-leeese!

I always put my cruise on 69 and pass them up, making sure to give them the "Would you get out of the junior high school mode?' jeer. They always grin at me.

The 'Less Than Wonder Public Servants' - that's the politically correct term for 'Creeps'.

Don't You Just Wanna deck'em?

I don't speed unless it's an emergency. I would love to say that the reason I don't is because of my high moral character, but that wouldn't be true. The fact is that I am a cheap person - 'frugal' for the politically correct. I don't wanna be payin no tickets.

So I set cruise control (especially in Poteet and Pleasanton - do those guys get a commission on tickets?), and stay at or below the limit. So I make people mad. Fine. Let's face it, I'm going slow enough for them to go around.

Here I am, 'obeying the law' along, and these police cars consistently pass me. I know they're breaking the limit, because of the cruise (Chris Morlock has tested the speedometer - it's correct). Fine. Whatever. I personally don't think that is that big a deal.

Until my friend gets a ticket for going 4 miles over. FOUR miles over?

Come on!! Is this a case of do as I say, not as I do? Do the rules not apply to everyone? What's up with this stuff?

Guess I'll add that to my 'Abhor List'.

It's like something off TV

Time ticking and I watch the events of my life unfold, like a spectator at an odd soap opera. I mean, this crud isn't really happening, is it? Like some corny re-run of Knots Landing, I have to make sure I keep my jaw closed because all it wants to do is hang open in disbelief.

I have found myself in the middle of a snarled mess that just keeps getting more surreal. And as I watch it all, wincing as I see someone I love take blow after blow after blow, I wonder (not for the first or last time) why in the world do people choose to live without God?

Question - not rhetorical

If "All things work together for the good of those that love the Lord." (Romans 8:28) then what if the person who it's all happening to doesn't love the Lord? How is a Christian to make a non Christian understand that?

Mondays

Monday is the work day of work days at my house. I have a lot to do, and I kinda flatter myself that I'm pretty organized.

For example, each Monday I put on my music throughout the house then do the laundry, re-writes on the book, work on cards, wrap Christmas presents and clean. I give myself "stations" and time allotted for each and end up making a loop two or three times around the house. It's great because you never get bored, but still are productive.

. . and then . . .

Then if Robert is home it's all out the window. He's helping Lee with peanuts this week, so he's here all morning. He watches TV (no music) he wants lunch (I skip lunch) he wants me to talk to him (there goes the work) and when he tries to wrap presents to help, he goes too slow. I love him to death and wouldn't change him for the world, but can't he find something to do on Mondays?

Oh well. Proof positive that you can be great together and pretty decent apart too, huh?

da Spurs

Amy told me that she couldn't believe that I hadn't blogged about the Spurs game we went to on Wednesday. and I got to thinking, what can you say about a game where you sit 8 rows up from the court, have Manu and Timmy, Parker and Steve Nash just that close, and it's the kind of game that tedders back and forth until it goes into overtime where da Spurs do it with a vengeance, Nash or not? What can I say?









Like, wow.

Results

I heard the gasp from the bleachers when Hercules got second place in his obstacle run. It was a gasp because he was flawless.

I kid you not, every single other participant (there were 11 in all) did not back. Not a one of them. And only 3 side-passed - that's when the horse moves laterally, his front hoofs crossing over each other gracefully. Like I said, only 3 did that AFTER they had to fight with their horses to get in position. The other 8 either didn't do it or side-stepped - hoofs come together, then step, move together - you get the idea. Hercules was so totally the no brainer for 1st.

But, you know, I guess it really doesn't matter. He did it the best he's ever done it - even in practice. I wish you could have seen him. He was so pretty. 'Wow' pretty. My buddy!

Oh, and we got first in In Hand Trail.

He's safe from the sales block for another month.

Repeat Offender

Here we go again. Horse show tomorrow - Hercules all fuzzy and temps due in the 40's. He's usually wired, so now he'll be spastic. (At least I'm dealing with 100 pounds and not 1000 like everyone else there.)

Rotten or good? It's really a crap shoot.

That's not a dirty word, is it?

Roll On Mississippi

Time blunts the edges of anger. Dripping with unstoppable tenacity, it dulls sharp edges of pain, granting a good, honest callus that protects and allows healing.

Wow. That sounded a little sappy. But let me explain quick. I was driving home from the stables and listening to my mp3 player to a song by Charlie Rich called "Roll On Mississippi" and memories cascaded all over me. And I actually grinned at some of them that before I would have sneered at in fury - for time lost and hopes shattered and brutal truths realized. But I didn't sneer this time. I remembered the bad, but it didn't effect me as it once did. And, man, did that feel good.

And maybe, just maybe, time will eradicate all anger and pain. Someday, perhaps, I will be able to lend only a wry smile to my past.

And wouldn't that be a gift of unreal grace from God?

An epiphany

Ok . . been thinking on this and I think that sin can be likened to grass burrs.

Really. Hang with me on this. You're late (for whatever) and are separated by your destination by a large, grassy field. Now, you have the choice to walk around the meadow on the paved walkway or cut through.

Think on it. You take off across the field, and even where there's the St Augustine thing, you manage to find that one grass burr - everytime. It sticks to your jeans and shoelaces and you have to pull it off, pricking your fingers in the process. And you always miss some. So they ride your hem to find their way to the carpet where they blend in, and wait for the bare foot.

If you would have just stayed on the sidewalk - taken the long way around instead of the short cut, you wouldn't have to worry about any of it.

There is no way to eradicate grass burrs totally. They are a fact of South Texas life - and understand that anywhere else you move to has their own 'grass burr' - their unendingly patient pain in the hiney that must be endured.

In short, sin is here and here to stay until judgment. The safest bet is to walk that slim paved walk.

. . . and then . .

And then watch carefully for the grass burrs that manage to creep up onto it.

Can Ya Hear the Hallelujah Choir???

Was at my scrapbook class and remarked that I had someone come in, bypass the computers, TV's and cash and go for the ole paper cutter and Amy chirps up; "Oh!!! I know where that is! I borrowed it while you were in Hawaii!" When I told her that I was up until 4 looking for it one night, she said, "Oh! Didn't I tell you?"


If I wasn't so happy I'd take her off the 'First to Get Tesster' list.

Is There Any Way to Make Kleenex Softer?

Another day, another sleepless night, another box of kleenex gone.

Laid around all day yesterday and felt awful the whole time. Gonna try to get up and move today - so what if I kneel over? At least I'll get some rest! Ha!

Remember, If I do happen to kneel over while I'm at the wheel and I veer in front of a semi . . Amy Brymer gets the Tesster.

I don't feel too good

Don't you hate being sick? Man! All the snorting, and dripping and just enough pain to put you off? You spend your time drinking juice and making juice and drinking juice . . you get the idea.

When I was a little girl I can only remember one time I really felt loved by my mom - I know, pretty pathetic, huh? It was when I had bronchitis and she had me put my head in her lap and then she brushed my hair. (Ok, she only did it that once, but that was something, right????) I was feeling all crummy and she gently ran that brush through my hair. It was all cold outside and warm there and mom smelled like mom and it was a great feeling that has stayed with me for close to 40 years.

You guys have any memories like that?

And in this corner . . .

Wow and are the liberals popping veins and the conservatives dancin in the aisles??? How crazy is this war of words? I was reading the 'discuss' part of the yahoo about the John Kerry thing and was appalled at the language, and the absolute ferocity of the combatants on both sides of the aisle. There was honest talk of a civil war starting if the republicans kept control and/or got the white house in 08. Civil war?

My word and is that the most stupid thing ever or what? While I disagree 1000 and 7 % with anything liberal, still, to be so adamant and planted in your own ideals is foolhardy at best and dangerous at worse.

Us Christians do the same thing. I used to think there one one way and one way only and you were going straight to hell if you thought there was any other way to see it. Time and life has knocked that out of me. Hard. And while I am not the smartest of women, I not not the most stupid either. There is more than one way to look at things. And even to disagree means a smirk and a tongue in cheek test of wills . . not civil war.

It is, after all about hating the sin but loving the sinner, right?