Love is a merciless, violent thing that allows abuse of epic proportions to happen around and to it. Years of being kicked over and over and over and over buries ones feelings so deep, you actually think it has faded and finally, finally, you are safe. From it. From the pain it invited.
And a song or a phrase tickles, bringing the knowlege that it still lives. You still care. Love has become a kind of pergatory you never manage to escape. The utter desolation of that truth destroys you - again.
I've found that love invites roommates, supposedly incompadible, but living together in barbershop harmony; Bitterness, Resentment, and Revenge. At the center of all three lives tenatious love. I still search for a way to kill it.
But can love ever die? I have ached to be able to let go of it, and find peace from my tortured past, but it remains against my will. I don't know if it can ever be stopped. And if it can't . . . doesn't that explain the power behind the gospel of Christ?
The thing, the one thing I cannot manage to let go of is this; Does God ever feel like this? About me? About mankind?
Makes one begin to understand the horror of the word 'doomed'.
The Fam!
All Us Huttons
2 comments:
I understand what you are saying but I believe (this helps me through the rough spots of aching to get rid of it) that love is a blessing. I mean feeling it for someone else. I don't know how to word this but I'll try. Love is from God and regardless of how we feel about feeling it, it is something that God wants us to feel as it teaches us more about Him. If the love we feel hurts us, then you are right about God feeling that same way....that is why Christ came...isn't it? To save us and to save God the feeling of wanting to get rid of us? I'm glad he takes care of it this way instead of the way with Noah. I don't think I could tread water that long. Love ya!
I'm not sure what prompted you to write about something so dark and serious, but I will say that in my case with my mother, it is that love, that tiny little "clap for Tinker Bell" ember of hope that has come to offer me peace and understanding 5 years after her death. The anger still resurfaces; I cannot fathom it ever leaving totally, but like child-birth pains, I remember more the kindnesses and simple acts of love that were there. I can only hope that for you, my dear friend.
Now, go play with those babies and be HAPPY !! I mean it!
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