Idle Thought.

Had a super morbid thought: What if the reason Robert is gone all the time is God's way of preparing me for something.

Kinda not encouraging, huh?

Dodge ball

satan isn't stupid. He knows that if he can just get people to 'buy the moment' instead of what lies down the road, he's got'em.

When I was a kid, I played dodge ball. You know the game; two teams, facing each other throwing balls at each other. If they hit you, you're out. If you catch their thrown ball, they're out. First team that is out of players, loses.

So here I am, playing in elementary. I caught the ball, and didn't want to give up the ball. I caught another. This was great. I was super dodge ball girl. My team was telling me to give them the balls so they could fire back, but I was going to prove I could catch three. Which I didn't. When I got hit, all three balls popped way up and back to the opposing team. Not only was I out, I had given the enemy the advantage.

I sit here, hopelessly watching people make decisions that they WILL regret. And they will regret them with horrible, angry tears. They realize this . . maybe dimly, but with surety. But they do it anyhow. Life changing, 'affect way more than themselves' decisions that they trust to emotion. The world hangs in the balance of the ". . . feelings they have deep inside." The future is not important up next to their feelings, wants etc . . .

And the prowling lion watches, and waits and pounces. He's not stupid. And he sees further than his nose.

I Have No Cute Titles For This One

So here we are, taking the Tesster to Houston to meet her 'man' and we're exiting onto the Sam Houston Toll Road. Traffic is stopped cold. "Oh no!" I gasp (as Robert hits the brakes and the trailer with Tesster pushes the truck.) "It's an accident!!! I hope every one's OK!"

We are fixing to get out to help and we see this dog, a pit bull with an old piece of twine, being pushed out of a car.

Pushed out of a car on the one lane road up to Sam Houston toll Road!!!

After shoving the poor thing out of the car, she (it was a woman) guns it and is gone. The dog, confused and scared out of his mind drops to his chest, too afraid to move.

We were going to go pick him up, but a guy in front of us beat us to it. No, he didn't get the plate number.

It absolutely ruined the trip, the day, probably the week.

I came home and loved all over Jade.

A Story.

Kelly meets and decides to hang with a guy into drugs and sex . . . ie; 'Scummy Thug.' Her mom (Cheri) allows it because - *"What can I do? If I say anything she'll leave."

Kelly gets busted for drugs. Cheri bails her out, not even sure what the charges are because (see* above). Jackie comes in to help with money so she can pull herself out.

Kelly falls 'in love' with thug (see #1). Cheri lets them stay in her house because (*) Jackie asks for rent money because Cheri can't afford to live on her own much less pull 2 extra people. But thug is jobless and Kelly is lazy. (*)

Kelly always has money for cigarettes/beer, but Cheri's money keeps coming up 'lost'. (*) Jackie has a hissy and begins to take money daily from Cheri so it won't have the chance to get 'lost'.

Kelly goes to jail. Cheri finds a way to bail her out and welcomes Kelly and thug back with relief, because (*) Jackie puts in extra cash to pay for the electricity bill that is skimped because of the bail thing.

Kelly gets pregnant. Cheri is overjoyed because now there is food stamp money. Jackie tells both that I don't mind paying for the food and pregnancy, if Kelly will get her GED and look further than her nose. It falls, of course on deaf ears.

Kelly goes back to jail.Cheri makes a firm stand - "You'll have to find a way to pay for all of it yourself." she states, then asks Kelly to please clean up the dog poo that is all over the floor. Kelly is there all day every day, Cheri works. It stinks (literally and figurativley) to Cheri, but, hey . . .(*) Jackie is proud of Cheri, until Cheri allows all of Kelly and her friends who are 'in desperate times' to come live and eat at her house. (They don't clean as well, incidentally). And there is, after all, the food stamps.

Kelly gets beat up by thug again. Cheri tells her that thug is no longer welcome in house, but Kelly is. If she turns her out, (*).

Kelly calls police to come get thug after he tries to kill her and the unborn baby, telling her, in fact; "You're both dead." Cheri is proud of Kelly. Jackie is proud of Kelly and sets up a course of action to get Kelly in GED classes and into a college to get her degree in the beautician thing. Kelly seems resigned.

Kelly drops charges because she's in love. Cheri realizes that thug is here for a while and is powerless to do anything (*) Kelly has lost all interest in GED and college. The thug wants her home to take care of their baby.

Kelly moves in with thug. Cheri's alone.

Baby is born. Cheri is overjoyed.

Baby has needs. Cheri is desperate to help because (*). Enter Jackie once again.

And I'm showing Christ - how?

Ruby is Coming Home!

Talked to Rob yesterday and he's on his way back to Brandee! Been gone since forever. Now he gets to squeeze on that Kaia and try to catch that Ava. And Brandee gets to say; "Your turn."

The sound of his voice . . .the knowledge of how it will be (because I have been there a few times) . . . man!

I can't stop smiling.

This is Gonna Sound Really Negative

About class last night . . .

People really don't want to see the real you. No matter what they say, they are relieved/content with the facade you convey. If you come at them with someone who is different from what they expect it's all about "What's wrong?" and "Are you okay?" and very definite moves away from your person.

I'm not convinced that that is a bad thing. Shouldn't the truth lie only with you and God? Isn't He the only One who can really handle 'Jackie'? Why make people uncomfortable? Why? - if you love them and you love Him?

Okay, Jenn, you can let me have it.

The Wall

Is there really any way to change a part of yourself you don't like? I mean, a part of you that makes you 'You' that bothers you? Can this square peg become round somehow?

I act the way I don't want to act . . . I can't seem to be able to stop doing stuff that I KNOW is wrong . . I hurt people who do not deserve such treatment . . . I beg God to help me stop it and He is silent. It is truly a wall that I hit . . three miles up and 20 across with the ground crumbling behind me. How can I even think I am in hope of any Hope?

I feel like the end of Romans 7.

The Results

Besides some other things, the MRI/CT scan stated that I should not be riding. I should not even get on a bike, much less a horse. I should, in fact, sell the horses that I ride and keep only the mini's who pull a buggy.

I scoffed at these finding, however. Just exactly who am I if not 'The Horse Lady'?

Then came the 16 mile ride in on 281. Then Bandera. Then the 10 mile.

Following fast on the heels of these came the tramadol. The Xanex. The Motrin.

Stop riding? In 10 years I'll be 58. In 20 years, Tesster will be 34. Chief will be 24. I'll not have this time back. Life is too short to put off what's important for a little thing like pain. And walking.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then comes the knowlege that there will be no more back to back rides. Ever.

This would be why I'm Feeding Them

I get to do something I haven't done in about 5 years on Friday. I get to ride with Donna Seabers. We're trailering down to the San Antonio River and following 37 back up to Pleasanton. I'll be riding Chief - who hasn't been really ridden in about 7 or 8 months and she'll be on Oreo who hasn't been ridden at least that long. Chief is the son of Tesster and Oreo is the daughter of Poquita - for those of you who've read my book.

They'll be snotty, jumpy and Donna and I will be together again. Then on Saturday, we're going to Bandera with Chello, Ray and Cheri. Another day of riding.

I'll be sore but a little euphoric.

Too much brochilli

One of the nicest things about being at home all day is listening to noises around the house. Birdsong, wind through the trees, Nellie snoring and Jade passing gas.

Honest. Here I was, all contented, ready to write a new blog when I hear this impressive 'expulsion' from Jade. She's horrible!

A thought

When I see a cloud on the horizon, I think: "Please rain! Please rain."
Nothin. I sigh.
When I hear that there's a 20% chance of rain I think; "Please let us be in that 20%"
Nothin. I sigh.
When I see 80% chance of rain I think; "Please don't miss us! "
Nothin. I sigh.
When I see a huge thunderstorm barreling toward Atascosa county, I think: "Please don't divide over us and miss us!"
. . and then, nothin. I sigh again.
Can't we get a break, God?

Is that how God thinks while He waits for my voice in prayer?
"Please, Jackie!"
"Please just give Me a little chance, Jackie."
"Jackie, I right here. I'm HERE!"
"Jackie, don't go to the stupid world when you could come right at Me."
I've died to give you a break, Jackie. Why do you consistently ignore that?"

The thought of my Father sighing, "Nothing." gives me serious pause.

A Tale of the Tail

So I'm riding on Thursday and my bottom hurts like crazy. About 2 hours in to the ride, Tesster is trying to stop because she's tired. I have to keep pushing her with my hips/legs. So the pain was expected.

I had to keep hooking my leg over the saddle horn - first left, then right to relieve the pain of it. I effectively rode 'sidesaddle' for a long time. Bet I looked pretty dorky. the weird thing was that my sore hind end usually goes into this numb stage. But it didn't.

When I get off the horse (7 1/2 hours later) Chello says; "Miss Jackie, your new saddle rubbed red all over your jeans." That was just peachy. Of course I used a new pair of jeans that day. The red spot was about 4 inches round - obviously I had sweat and it caused the irritation. So I was in unreal pain AND wearing a new pair of ruined jeans. I was MAD.

So as soon as I got in the shower I noticed that the water on my hiney HURT. It was then that I discovered that there was a big popped blister there. The red on the jeans was blood and water - not dye. No wonder the pain was so persistent.

But other than that . . .

Finally . . .

Woo hoo! Headed to Floresville tomorrow to trail ride! It's a all 'day'er' with Chello. I'm wimping out and taking Tesster instead of Chief. 25 miles and the guy hasn't been ridden in, like, forever. I figured besides saving his tendons, it would save my hiney. You have to go through downtown Pleasanton the last part of the ride. He'd freak no matter what. So I'll saddle Tesster.

I've wanted to do this for about 8 years. I think I'm just about done with putting things off.

Ruby

We were at the lock in on Sunday night and Robert and I were laughing so hard that it made me cough. Andrew was acting like Andrew - he was smart alec, with the jokes flying a million miles an hour and he was so adorably cute while he did it. I laughed so hard I thought I was going to cough up a lung.

Because it was Robby. It was SO Robby from when he was 16. Rob used to be able to make me laugh like no one else could. He's 28 today. Although he's grown up and has these kids that I love like crazy, I can't seem to let go of that kid who was so funny and cute at the same time.

Man, I miss that kid. Andrew reminded me of that on Sunday night.

He always was Ruby - my 'priceless gem'.

Rambling . . .

Got 2 birds - 'Lemon' and 'Lime'. They're green and yellow - go figure. I'm not sure if I like them. Wish I could give them to the grand kids. Kaia and Ava? Wait, then I'd have to buy some for James, Julie and Jocelyn. Never mind . . . their dog would eat them. Guess Kaia and Ava win.

It drives me absolutely buggie that I am walking and working and cutting back on food and I can't seem to lose weight. Honest injun - I walk Jade 3 miles a day, do extra work outside with the house and horses, won't eat late and have been eating more lean stuff and vegetables . . and nothing. I lose 2 lbs and gain 2 pounds no matter what I do. It drives me crazy.

I'm going to take Tornado to the Rachleys' tomorrow and have buggy rides. Carol is bringing her miniature horse and buggy as well. The gang is down from San Angelo. That will be a blast! We get to walk 80 thousand miles - good. I'll gain 2 pounds.

Am riding from Floresville to home on Thursday with Chello. It's about 25 miles. Should take us about 6 hours - probably more. I'm riding Chief and Chello will be on the Tesster. We're packing lunches and I'll buy lots of tootsie rolls. Woo hoo - I'm betting on gaining at least 3 on that one.

Finished 'Battlestar Galaticia' and 'Heroes' - - now we're watching '24' like crazy, and isn't that season 5 AWESOME? I can feel myself losing 2 pounds as we speak.

Have the horse show this Friday. Get to trailer to Seguin with Sarah, Emily, Robert, Hercules and Tornado. It's gonna be a really busy week. Good. I needed to gain the 2 pounds.

Well . . .DUH!

Had to paint the bedroom - it's too light. I like a dark, cozy bedroom.

So here I am, looking this huge 'Texas' bed room set in the face. It's really thick - made by this guy from Mexico. And I was wondering how I was going to move it to paint. Then I remembered Andy and Amy lending me their 'sliders'.

So I grab them and have to grunt and pull muscles to slip them under the legs of the dresser, bed and chest of drawers. And the stupid things wouldn't work! I was so mad. I was supposed to be able to move anything with those! They worked for Robert - - - MAN!

It was then I realized that I had put the felt/rubber side against the floor and the slick side against the furniture.

oh.

. . . and then . . .

Then I turned them over and I pushed the stuff all over.

Amazing how that works.

March 5th

March 4, 2007 my sister Cindy came in to Mom's hospital room and said that Mom would not get off the respirator until the 5th because the 4th was Austin (her son) birthday. I remember I was so angry because I told her that the 5th was Julie's birthday.

She didn't look at me as she said "It's on the 5th" and walked away, dismissing me.Because to her, my granddaughter was no big deal. To her, it was a matter of having to making sure her world was as seamless as possible.

I am helpless against such attitudes then and now.

On my calender it has 'Julie!' with a heart and 'Mom' in the far right hand corner for the 5th of March. While that black day at the hospital might have been blotted out of mind . . it stays.

I would never forget Jules and no, thanks to a thoughtless sister, Mom. And for a daughter who hasn't too many memories it's a good thing.

Expelled.

Just watched 'Expelled". Talk about sobering!

If you haven't see it, it's a documentary on the attack on Intelligent Design in any way shape or form in the scientific front.

Being in the Bible Belt, it never occur ed to me that all the hoop-lah from the east coast was real. But, man is it ever. Some of the people who want to open the debate for 'Intelligent Design" have no care (or inkling) of God. Their remarks about people needing to put religion where it belongs ". . .a weekend past time that makes them feel good . .. just get it off center stage.". Unreal. And the correlations about Darwinism to Nazi Germany! My stomach hurts as I type that last. Intelligence has been expelled from the scientific world.

God used the foolish things of the world to teach the wise.

Christ wasn't kidding when he stated that the way was narrow that lead to eternal life. Really narrow.

This is Corny as all Get Out . .

There's a country song that goes:

"I am Rosemary's granddaughter.
The spittin image of my father.
And when the day is done my mama's still my biggest fan"

I was walking along and it hit me that it should say:

"I am the Holy Spirits daughter.
The spittin image of my Father.
And when the day is done my Savior's still my biggest fan."

Corny, but belonging to the Spirit of God
Working to be the picture of theFather
but the image of being a fan of Christ's . . . man!

Jadie Girl-She lives in her Jadie World

Brymer

Jade

Da Beaner

I so blew it today. I am a bad mama.

Susie and I walk every day - about 3 miles. This is Jades reason to breathe. Every morning at 9am, she goes back and forth from me to the door, her tail going ninety to nothing.

Well, Susie and I rode bikes today instead. Jade was out of the equation. (I'm not gifted and talented but even I know that Jade would take my bike through fields if I tried to ride and hold her - a recipe for disaster.)

So I get back, expecting a few screens to be out and claw marks on the door. Instead Jade is waiting, smiling at me. Then she followed me all over the house holding her rubber toy - a sign that she wanted to play.

I feel so rotten.