It's been said that we have 2 lives - the one we learn with and the one we live with after that. And while I've always thought that was a cool saying, I never really understood it at all until today.
' . . we've gotta make a decision;
Leave tonight
or live and die this way.'
Those words nudge my memories - prodding that sleeping animal that I would honestly love to kill. Memories of things done I regret with a kind of honest anguish.
Do bad decisions ever really stay buried? Do we always live with stuff we decided and knew was a bad thing to do, but done for the 'right ' reasons at the time? I would go back, see the mistake (I didn't realize would haunt me so thoroughly the rest of my life) and change it. If . . If . .
I realize and am grateful that I have been forgiven by God, but do you ever manage to find forgiveness for yourself? And do I really want to? I told Jennifer Jones once in class that I need my past to keep me humble. I hold it close and protect it, so I don'tgo thinking too much of myself. But, you know what? Humble hurts. I'd forgotten that.
Two lives. I thought the learning was the worst thing that could happen to me. I'm finding out that the living with it is.
The Fam!
All Us Huttons
2 comments:
Jennifer Jones understands the need to remember and use the mistakes to learn and live a beter life. but i also know that holding so tight to the past to protect the future moves you past the present (the gift of right now) and the things God can do through you in this right now. Christ died for those mistakes, and in baptism we die to those mistakes (romans something - i need your wisdon jackie). He died for them, to remember them no longer, just like Jack said tonight. it took me a long l\time to figure it out, but that guilt i always feel is from satan. he wants us to hang onto the past and beat ourselves up over it. but God, our loving father (not a sap) but a loving disciplinarian offers sweet relief. I hope you can fully let God give you what He wants His precious child (that's you) to have. I love you so much and admire every ounce of your soul! Many kisses!
Just wanted to say I love you and I hope things start getting better. I will talk to you tomorrow!!!
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