A Day in the Life

Listening to Jaci and Jarred upstairs playing, James and Julee laughing and Jocelyn hitting the dangling bee I got her from Target and I just have to smile. Julee just called: "PaPa!! Com'ere!" to help her save Jaci. Jade just ran down the stairs, sliding on the wood. She's probably coming down here to toot again. She's gifted.


Jaci just hollered for James and Julee to help her. Too funny.

Virginia

Of course Brandee had to download these because I am the least computer literate person in the world. But you guys get an idea of these two cute kids Im hanging out with.

Have to tell you a cute story. I was in the hall and I thought I was alone, so I had a little gas. Okay, it was sorta loud, but after that plane ride I didn't care. Kaia comes tearing around the corner and says: "Daddy!"

His father would be so proud.

the South Will Rise Again.

Went to lunch today for BBQ. Being from Texas, I smirk when people say they know a good BBQ place. While the food was good, it was NOT BBQ.

The Church here is so like home, except the song leader was un . . . . .

. .. . . re . . . . .

. . . . . lee . . . . .

. .. . . . drag . . . .

. . . . ging . . . .

I've never been so glad to see the back end of "Stand Up for Jesus"


Virginia is a Yankee state, I don't care what the mason dixon line says.

These people are weird. And rude. And it's unreal that they won the war.

Airport Observations

I stand there, waiting for the call to wait in line so I can wait to check in, wait to find my seat, wait to take off, wait to land . . .

anyhow,

There I was, listening to my music watching people in the airport. I saw dozens of chubby couples, the wife almost always in front of the 'Dun-Lap' guy behind her. She looks perpetually irritated, he looks anxious that he is the cause for that irritation. And the only thing that I can't keep out of my mind is the fact that once those two giggled and whispered and 'did laundry' all the time. She ached for his call and died a little death when he kissed her. He hurried home to be able to touch her hand, smell the scent of 'her'.

But somewhere along the line they became disillusioned with that, or with each other, or maybe with life.

So what were people thinking as they watched me?

I think I need to remember that.

Attitude

My attitude is really beginning to worry me.

I know I've said this before, but, MAN! I am getting worse and worse as I grow older when it comes to speaking my mind. I listen to myself and can actually see me outside of me, lunging in slow motion, my arm out stretched hollering "NNNNNOOOOOO!" as I try to stop the words exit my mouth.

Is it because I love less? Because while I care what people think, I don't care nearly like I used to. Not at the expense of shutting up.

. . . and then . . .

... maybe that I love too much to shut up.

Nah, not that.

The Lottery

Because I'm fixin to go to Norfolk and then to Denver, I've been trying to wrap things up so Robert Fuselier doesn't have kittens or have all his hair fall out while I'm gone. Worry to that degree is SUCH a tiring waste of time. Every day I ask myself WHY I work there. It's to keep Robert Fuselier sane, I think. I am the only one he chills down around. So I bought him a Message Bible.

I'm entering into the show world again. Emily Mann will be showing my mini Tornado and Sara Stewart will be in charge of Hercules. What kind of idiot am i, huh? But those girls are NUTS about horses and showing. And I have a lot of horses.

It all comes down to using what God gives you to further God and not you.

It's a lottery. You don't ask God to bless you with that 45 million so you can show Him what you will do for Him. You take that 45 dollars and show Him what you will do for Him

So I guess I've won the lottery.

MP-3

Wow and how horrible has the last few weeks been? And just when I think I can't be hurt anymore . . .

God kicked me in my complacency. It's nice to actually grin while I type that. So I'm up late - it's 10:45pm!- buying music off Yahoo music so I can shut the door and work in oblivion tomorrow. I hear this stuff and it makes me relax.

and then . . .

My jaw hurts from bracing against the inevitable.

Thing that Makes Me Stop and Go "Hmmmm. . . "

And interesting observation:

I had a eye blurring, fighting-throwing-up, pulsating headache all day yesterday. I dreaded class with Emily Mann and Sarah Stewart because I was afraid of getting sick all over the place or falling off the horses because my equilibrium is effected by these headaches.

But I rode and I taught and my head felt better and better and better until it was gone.

Really gone. For the first time in literally 3 weeks. Gone.

Maybe it was the smell of Chief's sweat. Or the way Tesster obeyed. Or the laughter of those little girls.

Gone. Honest. Gone.

Blame it on Robert

Robert won't let me ride to work this week. It's hard on the horse and hard on me.

Personally, I think it's harder when I don't get any alone time with my horse, God and myself. Makes me sour.

And after yesterday, I think Robert's going to regret this decision.

. . .and the hits . . .

While I love Amy more than my luggage, I so wish she wouldn't worry. I have no idea how to stop taking on so much. So it's a bummer to know that I'm worrying her.

That being said . . .

There comes a point where all you can do is tie a knot and not let go.

Even if you don't want to.

I feel like I'm too old to have choices.

My God and I

There I was, sitting in the pew, singing 'Faithful Love' and crying because Christ is truly the ONLY one who will not let me down. It was so cool to have a and having such a heart so full of gratitude that it spilled out all over my face . . .


. . . and then . ..

. . . and then Mike and Jenn went forward to place membership and Mike ended up getting baptised by Robert.

Proof positive that God loves to give out gifts when we least expect them and in quantities that are unreal in their proportions.

An Explanation

Wes's tests came back bad. I want to go to Arkansas just to give one hug, then come back.

My Dralena's tests came back bad. I have this great need to just put my hand on her - just to feel that she is near.

My brother, Mike had a heart attack. He's 51.

I will not be negative around people. I will not. I will not.

Wes is optimistic. Dralena is quiet and Mike is all right now.

I will smile around people. I will.

No wonder my head won't stop hurting.

. . . and then . . .

This is an unreal 2 weeks.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then you think of how it could get. And then you shudder.

I Thought it was Just Brymer & Nellie

Was staring across the desk at Darla Royal today and I thought; "She's one of those too."

"Those" being people who accept/love/put up with me no matter what.

Darla with her quiet strength. And her listening ear. And her loyalty. And her emphatic tear filled eyes

Jennifer Maxwell. she would drop everything, even Mike if I needed her. Awesome.

Dana Lamore - her love makes me fearless. I rest in the security of Dana.

Kara who needs me almost as much as she loves me. She loves me enough to let me overprotect her.

Jaci who is a friend first and foremost, then family. She is so patient. She is a smile.

And, believe it or not, the list goes on. Susie, Robert Fuselier, Corinna, Donna, Betty, Jamie, Mike, James, Rachel, Karen, Dralena, Alice, Misty, Brad . . . the world is full of unreal people. God gave them to me.

This is not a blog to cover bases. It's an reference of my worth. These people are amazing. And I am special to them.

So I must be doing something right.

My Sweet Paula

Went forward today at Church. Too much hitting me too fast. I needed power and needed it yesterday.



. . . Cheri, Kelly, Amy, Andy, Karen, Robert, Paula, Rob. . .



And it was like there was something else. Something big. And then I opened Wes's e-mail.



If you are blessed in life, you have one of those "no matter what, no matter how long it's been since you spoke, no matter what you do" friends. They stand by you. These people are really odd. They love and accept me no matter what. I don't irritate them. They actually seemed pleased to see me. Just having one is an unreal blessing.

I have four. Robert Hutton, Sarah Morlock, Amy Lamore and Paula Tarte.

Paula lives in Arkansas. She and her husband Wes would play cards with Robert and I into the wee hours. She knows things about me that NO one knows. She listens. She laughs. And I adore her. I always have. And will.

She's getting sucker punched as we speak. Unfair and surprisingly violent, the hits just keep on coming to her.

Can she feel the love I have for her across the miles? Like I felt that something was up on July 6th?

Pray. Please.

Sometimes

Sometimes you have to sit back and allow God to love someone enough to do what He needs without hindering Him so they will come back.

Sometimes you have to listen to a love so large you can't comprehend.

Sometimes you have to let go of all the wisdom of this ball of mud and allow that there is Someone who knows more than you and better than you and stronger than you ever imagined. And He wants her back - is desperate to have her back.

I have to tell Kelly that.

JustJackieRamblin

It is so cool to finally be able to not be exhausted totally at the end of the day. I used to get up, ride to work, work, ride home (in 103 degrees) and just sit there in this confused daze as I carefully didn't lean my sweaty back into the cushions of my sofa.

Now I do all that with an extra jump. I'm not tired at 10 o'clock. (Yes, you read that last correctly. I don't go to bed until 11 now. ) I am painting and moving furniture and actually spending time with the horses. Too cool.

Sure I'm having insomnia, sure my blood pressure is too high, and sure, I'm way too fat,

But other than that, I'm goood.

Oh, and I miss Jarred/Jaci and the kids.

And I don't know what I would do to see Kaia, Rob and Brandee. And I don't think I'd know Ava if she was handed to me in the street.

But other than that . . .

Oh! A quick not to those I haven't really talked to in awhile:
I sure do love Darla.
And Dana.
And Paula - I so miss Paula.
And *Donna.
And *Donna.

But really, it's cool. Finally.



*Those are two different people."\

To Jaci

If you hadn't turned that left a long time ago and met Jarred . . ..

I wouldn't know James. I wouldn't know Julee. I wouldn't know Jocelyn. I would know Ceal, and Joe and Gen. I wouldn't know Jade. I wouldn't laugh with you. I wouldn't get to ride horses with you. Or make broccoli. Or try your chicken bread, or giggle at the guys behind their backs, or sit next to you in services, or almost bust with pride at the job you do as a wife and mother. And daughter. Or watch your face at Bible study. Or a zillion other things that has happened because you decided to give my kid a second glance.

You can second guess the rights and wrongs of every decision and go nuts with 'What if's . .. "

But the simple fact is - I have you. And the my world is a better place because of that.

And it ain't even a Monday

Wadda day. And a rotten one it was, I'm here to tell you.

Had a doctors appointment. Found out some not so great stuff and went back to work and ended up having to have John drive me home because I couldn't drive. Spent the rest of the day laying low. Missed church. Didn't get to see my horses like at all, Robert was so worried I thought he was going to cry. I didn't finish payroll, I didn't enter anything new in the computer, I didn't check billing, I didn't get to see Amy or Darla, or Jennifer or Mike or Kara, or Mildred or Alice - - crud, this list could REALLY go on and on.

Wadda rotten day.

HA!

I was riding to work yesterday and the mama dog and three of her puppies came out at me !!!

She's gained weight and the puppies are way too cute. It was kinda hard to make sure it was her, but them I could tell. Her little thingies were all shriveled just like . . uh. waitaminute.

Maybe we shouldn't go there.

My Saturday

So here I am at work on Sunday because this is the only time Robert could get in to check the server for Robert (Fuselier). I come in and there's notes from people telling me that I blew it again with the billing. I looked over everything and I didn't. So I have to pray for tact when they come in so it doesn't ruin my day.

Cheri came in and cleaned my house yesterday. It is CLEAN and it smells SO good, I think I'm a happy happy camper. I could get all kinds of stuff done yesterday because I didn't have to play catch up on all the housework on my Saturday. I even re-seeded the back two pastures AND cleaned out the tack room! It was great! That chick is hired!

It rained last evening! Real rain. thunder and lightning and decent showers for about 20-30 minutes! The ground smelled all sour. But the seeds will take, I hope.

I think that's why God held off on the rain. I've been needing to put that grass out for 6 months. But since I didn't God must have held off on the rain until I did.

So the drought is my fault.

Observation from Horseback

Why do cars never come up in front and behind you at the same time, forcing you to the far curb until you're over that part in the road with the overhanging branch?

Like, EVERY time.

Stand in the Rain

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone
Feels like it's all coming down
She won't tun around
the shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear
The Tears will not stop raining down


I am back to the 'coke bottle spinning'.

And even if all the things, that consume my time like a sponge drinking water, what good is it?

How can you spend so much time doing good things and be so overwhelmed it becomes work you HAVE to do? I love these people. But I am so tired of all this.

Then what do you do with the guilt that results from that that?

And the fear's whispering, if she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down.

Update

Rode past there this morning. I heard two puppies yap, but that was all. If it was possible to catch them, I would have tried to catch them. Even played around with the idea of bringing food there and making sure they kept fed.

And then . . .

There are just no good answers here.



What a rotten start to the week.

A Dog Story

When I ride to work I go back behind the elementary. It's all wooded and peaceful. Probably the best part of my ride.

The only problem is that there is a mama dog - probably a drop off, who has about 6 puppies. You can see her ribs and backbone from the back of a horse. She is very protective, snarling and barking right up underneath Tesster. And while Tess usually loves to go after dogs (she has a distinct sadistic streak), she does not like this dog. I don't understand, but it must be saying things only she can understand, because she flat out wants to bolt away from her and all the little yappy pups who follow her lead. It's irritating. Still, I feel bad for the mama who obviously is starving trying to keep her puppies fed.

That all changed this week. The mama dog was gone. I was met with half hearted barks and tails tucked as I rode home Friday. They were alone. And it occurred to me that the mama must have been killed. The puppies were now on their own. Probably because some person didn't find $80.00 to get a dog fixed.

Next time I ride I'll look for her, but I don't think she's coming back. She wouldn't have left those puppies all by themselves to contend with the huge black and white thing if she had been able to.

Bummer. Big time.

Back in the saddle

Like Jaci, I'm trying to get back into the Blog stuff. It's just hard, but I know how much I look forward to reading other peoples stuff. Maybe you all miss me..

It's Friday and the weekend is packed. I hate it when I do that, but I ALWAYS do that!
Tesster is out back, waiting on me. She calls really loud when anyone walks out the pack of PAC, hoping it's me ready to get home. She is kinda puny - thinking i might need to get some penicillin in her. also, she has a shoe loose and a horizontal crack on her right fore. Hate to think I'm gonna have to ride Chief in instead of her.

Good thing I'm sure of my salvation.

Brymer has finally begun to come out of his stroke. That seems to happen much more frequently than before. that sends me into a spiraling mood.

Have a riding lesson, so I'm out the door to get started on the ride home. It's cool today. Only 95 degrees.

Well, this is depressing.

The sun . .. ohmiword, the sun. This heat is almost frightening. It waits, crouched and ready to destroy. The door has become an oven door. The grass looks tired. The tomatoes are dying, the horse sweat in the shade, under the fans. I abhor the heat. Always have.

The House is quiet now. Back to Robert and I. And Nellie. And Brymer. Work is quietly impossible - I will never be finished. Tess is patiently waiting to head home. I am dreading the walk out to throw on the saddle.

But the horses need hay, Nellie needs to come back inside and I have to see how Brymer is now. He stroked this morning.

Like - - Wow

The funniest thing about all the hub bub over the KSAT interview is the way I feel when people make a big deal out of it.

It's a self image thing. I hate the way I look and I work to look better and I don't and I HATE to have people notice me. People always think I'm joking when I say that, but those who know me know.

I thought all this would be fun, but I hadn't realized how it would grow. It makes me squirm to be under the microscope. I now know - LOTS of people have called- that I am and have been watched for a while.

I told Meg the other day that it made me uncomfortable to have people looking at me. And she said: "Duh! You're on a black and white horse in the middle of town. What do you expect?"

'Duh' is right.

But it's my personality. I have to learn to deal with all this or hire some pretty , witty chick to play 'me' through it.

Thanks Darla

When I blew up at Stacy, I found myself irritated - no, infuriated, most of all by her total lack of anything or anyone outside her sphere. Being European, she sure has a different mid set than what this 'dyed in the wool Texan as soon as I could get here' girl. It is hard to watch and not act negative about her total negativity.

"All Americans are fake, and Texans are the worst.."
"Why do you ask people how you are and keep going?"
"Why don't you and Robert argue? There's no yelling here."
"Why are you smiling all the time?"
"Life is hard and the world is not good."
"There is too much Church here."

After a couple of months of this, I'll admit, I was ready to blow. Stacy just provided one too many opprtunities.
After I chilled a little, I sat her down and told her that unless you put others before self, the world is a rotten place. I told her about serving no matter what. No matter who. I told her: "It's so much better to think good and help others. Can't you see that, Stacy?"

I got a blank stare.

I started the ball. Help me to trust that it is moving. Because I can't see a thing.

I'm headed out again. Have ridden to work the last two days and it's been pretty cool. It's been okay in the mornings, but the evenings . . .?

Now it's 99 degrees and high humidity.

Tesster is offended. But then again, she's the Tesster. what else would you expect?

Stacy

I lost it so totally last night.

When the boys were small, and then growing, I wasn't a person who hollered. I was above that. It just meant a person had 'no control'. In fact, the boys were more frightened of my low demon voice. Besides play fighting, I don't remember ever raising my voice to them.

I screamed at Stacy last night. Something in me snapped and I opened fire. I snarled at her like a rabid wolf about responsibility, taking responsibility, and disrespect of a magnitude I have never, never dealt with concerning my own kids. Then I told her I couldn't stand to be around her and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door.

To her credit, she was wise enough to take it. Wise enough to take the blame. Wise enough to apologize over and over and over.

But I lost it.

Is that good or bad or both? And how do I stop the shaking of fury that I still deal with this morning?

Just a quick plea

If I have made anyone mad at me this last month, cut me some slack, OK?

Get mad at me later. Not now.

Questions

Why do referees think you pay to see them blow the whistle?

Why do you always wear the wrong colored pants when an accident happens?

Why do you put loving and contempt in the same phrase?

Why is the person who trains you always have bad breath?

Why does your deodorant always roll into those long spaghetti things in your armpits?

Why do you always have too much time and no money or no money and too much time?

Why do you talk to a person who would allow you to go in public with a bat in your nose?

Why do your feet smell only when the whole gang is over for a Spurs party and you kick off your shoes?

Why does a little girl who looks just like Kaia keep coming in the gym?

Why do fleas bodies make a little snapping 'pop' some of the times and other times there's not a whisper even if you cut them in half with your fingernails?

Why do I always start a garden, then let it go?

And why am I so mean to Robert all the time?

Skippin Along . . ..

Spurs lost. Bummer.
Got in a fight with Robert Sunday. Bummer
Found out that the Message IS based on the Greek and Aramaic. Cool.
J to the 5th is coming in the 24th. Cool.
Haven't heard a thing from Rob since forever. Bummer.
Spurs lost. Bummer
Fit back into my black pants. Cool.
Praying for so many right now with no response, I'm wondering if God is still listening to me. Trying to be a patient grown up about it. Ain't working. Super bummer.
New Orleans won again. Big time bummer.
I have forgotten what Rob and Jarred were like as kids. Super bummer.
A big one looming on the horizon. Looking forward with some trepidation. Bummer to the 4th.

Am at a point in my life where I don't have a clue what I'm doing. All lost and confused and resentful. What's all that about?

Added to all that, the Spurs lost.

The Wind Blows Lonley

There I was, trying to get two years worth of paperwork done, while running a showroom with Robert Fuselier in front of me talking all day Friday.

There I was, Stacy next to me as I rushed in for her and ran to Mike Norwoods party @ the Kelly's.

There I was, talking to Amy and Becka and Stacy and Katherine all Friday evening.

There I was, Dralena Kelly on one side, Stacy on the other the whole trip to College Station.

There I was, sitting in the same room with Dralena, Jonathon, Stacy, Paul, Patrick, Amos and Robert, watching a nail biter Spurs game. The room was small, the game ballistic.

There I am, rushing out to the car as soon as the game is over, to go to an Aggies Football game. Dralena, Stacy, Jon and Robert were all in the truck - we were all snuggled close for the ride.

There I am, sitting and watching a game, with Paul and Jon and Stacy and Amos giggling at, and toward and across me.

. . . do you get the point that I was never alone this weekend? It was exhausting to always smile and make conversation. It was also painful.

I have come to the conclusion that having gas is the answer to fixing life.

You hold it in and it makes you feel rotten. You let it out, and everyone laughs and you feel better and even if it smells bad, it's a thing about volume that counts.

Hey, it's my blog. My call.

I'm Full Now

When I snort in really hard, there is this high pitched squeal . .

Would that be air working it's way around the . . .stuff?

The Night of the Allergy

Never had allergies. My whole life - not a one. Then comes April 12, 2008. Oak pollen off the charts, a frount screaming in, and fine particles of dust invading every oriface you didn't even know existed.

It is an interesting sensation to be so tired you can't think of moving, but unable to sleep because you left your ambien at home. So you turn to your left and the congestion sloshes, then empties over into the left side of your sinuses (you can actually feel it go: "Gaal-looop.") Your eyes water and there is the feel of a vacuum as it exits one side and flows into the other. Then comes the drainage, seeking escape. While I was prepared for that stage - I'd stuck a Kleenex up my nose as a plug. When that side gets full, (about 10 minutes) you go to your right side and it starts again.

This was my world on Friday night. It seemed like that night went on forever. Back and forth, "Galooping' my way to dawn.

Then came Emily, Dara, and Mat at 6:30 to begin a day of showing horses.

So it starts again

Have a horse show this weekend. The little girl that is showing Hercules is so tiny, and SCARED!!!! but she is so way adorable that I'm afraid that she'll place because of her dimples instead of keeping her head in the game.

I keep thinking how much I would love to be teaching James, Jules, or Kaia to be doing this instead. I ache so much to have someone who has my blood in them to share a piece of my love.

That's why I think I wrote the book. Just in case Kaia hates horses, maybe her kid will pull out the ancient, unread copy of "If You Wanna Learn Humility, Buy a Horse" that her great grandma wrote back in '07 and wish she might have known me.

Just thinking on that happening makes me smile.


[Insert contented sigh here.]

This Will Make No Sense . . .

If you take a bottle and put it one the floor and give it a violet twist of the wrist, it goes so fast, it jumps and skids across the floor. No path. No sense, just an uncontrollable missile. And you're not allowed to stop it . . It's a sort of vicious game that compels you to wait until it finishes on it's own.

I don't know why I can't. I don't understand that rule . . but I can't ignore it.

And when it finally stops, it hasn't got time to quell the vertigo that the whole trip has caused. It just braces itself for the next hand to start it twirling again.

That is my life.

My prayers are: "God! I'm begging You . . please don't", "Please make me strong enough to bear it", "Please blind me to what You need to do to work Your plan . . because I can't bear watching this anymore."

Qyuestion of the ages

How do people work full time and keep up with anything else?

I'd almost kill to be bored.

March 31 My Psalm

From the depths, I call to You, my God.
From the bottom of my world, I look up to You and plead for mercy.

I speak without a word,
because words that describe this hole do not exist.

I whisper for blessed ignorance.
Spirit, lance my heart.
I can't bear this pain.

I would have lived my entire life
to not know what I know now.

Now this is a Blog for girls.

So here I am, leaning forward to be able to see the screen while I read up on the Spurs and it keeps popping down. Every time I tried to scroll up, it zoomed! back down. Irritating!!!

Then, I watched the little blinkey thingee zipping across the screen, left to right left to right over and over and over and I thought 'GAG! My computer is crashing!!! ARRRGH!"

. . . and then . . .

and then I looked down and saw my chest was hanging over the keys, laying on them, making the space bar stay down and pressing on the arrow.


HA!!!

I have no flippant remark!

La De da de da

Am actually typing this at work. It's the only time I have time. How odd is that?

Robert wants another baby - horse, so bad. So bad that he wants me to take Tesster up to the same daddy as Chief because this is his last year to stud out. - (Wadda life, huh? Think on what that entails and sigh heavy.)

Beaner is huffing and puffing bad. Brymers breathe is even worse and Baxter is a mass of movement. Shaved Hercules for the show season. He looks like a rat.

I thinks it's getting hot outside. I'm not sure. I'm in a green room with Enya and the soundtrack from 'City of Angles'.

Wonder what I'll title this one.

. . . and then . . .

I am so emotionally drained. and physically drained. There has been too much going on at work. So much that I'm beginning to question my decision to do this.

And it's not that I don't care, it's not that I don't realize how much God needs me there. It's not even all the work ( HOW do people have time to stand around? I find myself standing and leaning over the computer because my hiney hurts.)

It's the drain of being around people who are so unhappy, liking that and making sure they spread that around. I am the middle man. I am the peacemaker.

. . . and then . . . .

and then I realize why Christ put so much emphasis on taming the tongue. On turning the other cheek. On keeping your mind on the Prize.

Walls

I'm back to a 'Cleave' again. Robert is up and going and it really was a little irritating that people actually clapped when we came to class tonight. No one clapped for me. Bummmm-eeerrr.

Have a person I'm so concerned about right now. And it's not because they are a mess and need support 24/7. It's that I don't see much emotion at all. It's a wall that's been put up. I would rather hate and rant and rave then shut down.

For a while this has been happening to me. And I fight it constantly. You ache to love and care and all you can manage it a sympathetic smile while you wonder about lunch or work or the blemish on that person's face. And how do you get past that and feel life again? Once it starts, it's like pushing a boulder on a 30 degree incline. It will end up killing you and there's nothing you can do to stop that from happening.

How do you stop it from happening when it's happening?

Don't let that happen to her.

And, oh, Father, don't let that happen to her.

Emergency rooms, Blood Clots and 'The Ring'

You know, when you're in the emergency room with the same people for SIX HOURS before you even get called back, you tend to bond.

We got there at 9:15 am. And waited. And waited. They teased us with the quick tri-age, then left us to stand all day (Robert couldn't sit because of the pain thing and I wasn't going to sit if he didn't.) The only chick who had been there long than us was this girl who had Roberts symptons. So we got to yakking. She ended up in the next bed to us in the Intensive Care unit, and kept walking in and talking. The doctor was scared of a blood clot in Robert's lung, and I was okay until that came up.

They wouldn't Robert eat because of the surgery possibility and I wasn't going to eat if he didn't.

Long long day. And I'm too relieved that it's "just penomnia" - it's contagious, did you know that? I thought once the temp was gone you were safe. Wadda world!


BTW - - - If you got off the hook in the movie "The Ring' by having someone else watch the tape before your seven days were up, why did Noah die? His kid saw it after he had.

Someone explain that. It really ruins the movie for me.

Just Jackie Rambling

And the hits just keep on comin . ..

And it would be better, I think, if I could somehow make things happen only to me and not those I love. And, like Jaci, I know it'll all be better in the end, I know I'll look back and smile at all this, but still . . .

I woke up this morning to the sound of a large (C-5?) going right over my house. It was LOUD and woke me up from a dead sleep. It went over, then only went a ways, then it sounded like it had landed. All I could think was: "Oh no! The Libyans!!! Hillary must have made president overnight!"

No, Kim, I couldn't make an enemy of you. I just hope you keep loving me!

Working as a manager!! of PAC while Karen and Robert are gone. Like a know anything about running a gym!

Baxter is now an 'it'. Now if he'll only hold 'it' until I let him outside.

It's like 80 degrees here and I have got to find time to plant all my stuff I ordered.

I miss my husband. He's been gone since the pneumonia set in. It's like when we went to Brandee and Robs wedding - this is not my husband.

Jamie was over last night. He tried to get me Superchicks 'Stand in the Rain' for my ring tone. you should have heard his disgust when he saw my phone. "You have SPRINT?"

Okay. I'm done now.

*sigh*

Blocks blocks blocks. Life, I am realizing over and over, is an intricate stacking of blocks, a kind of 'Jinga' thing that gets so shaky sometimes, you wonder how in the world it can keep from tumbling.

You'd think I'd be used to this by now. Satan kicking the mess out of you when you're down.

I keep thinking, "I am so stupid. Why won't I learn what God is trying so hard to teach me?"

But then again, if I knew that, I wouldn't be asking, would I?

Wake up Call

When I entitled the last blog 'Time to Make some enemies", I had no idea where it would lead.

Wow. I can't hide my head in the sand anymore.

Time to Make Some Enemies

I said I wasn't gonna . . .

But, come on! The whole "Who is gonna do the most, give me the most, take care of me the best?' stint on this elections offends me.

Offends me big time.

Chirst tells me to be second. Christ tells me to serve. He dosen't pick the governing authorites - - - He allows them to rule to bring about what He knows needs to be brought to light. And works through their actions, good or bad.

You can't tell me that God wanted all those unsaved Jews to die, but He allowed Hilter to come to power. You can't tell me the God I read about in scripture loved the effects of Ivan the Great (Terrible), but He allowed that monster to come to power.

It's not about who gets the power . . it's about how WE serve God through it, right?

Barak -"Gag me with a fork and kill me now" OBama, or Hillary "Two Faced -File gate, travel office scum and liar in chief" Clinton, or John "I wish I would pick a path" McCain . . . .

. . . really, isn't' God going to use any of them? They're not the important ones. We are. Because we're the ones God loves.

And the right to vote? The obligation to make a decision? I have no rights. I belong to Christ. He is my life. What can possibly measure up to that?

March 5

I knew it was going to be a hard day.

Julie's 2 today and I don't have her around to irritate and cuddle on. She's such a card . . . . I am looking forward to her puberty almost as much as I'm dreading it. Poor Jaci - no, poor Jarred. What am I saying??? Poor me, because I have no clue how to deal with a Julie growing up.

It's been a year today. The memory of that makes me pause. Hands me regrets. Makes me angry. All the helplessness and guilt and real fear that mom might never have known how I felt because I didn't. One year. It's been at least 10. And it was last weekend.

And Kaia was sick. Sick enough to give Brandee a catch in her voice when she called. Sick enough to make my insides drop. And frustrated more than anything that I am helpless here as they live in England.

Well, that stinks.

Now, why does this kind of stuff always happen to me?

Let's start from the beginning. Da Beaner is a little 'physically fit' challenged. She rolls into a room. Can't jump up at all, and perpetually goes around panting with her tongue hanging out. It either doesn't fit anymore, or it's too much work to stash it where it belongs.

So my sister calls and says she's getting rid of her Boston terrier, 'Max'. He's just 8 months and she has too many doge. So I get him, so Nellie can find some kind of encouragement to actually move (besides doing the 'ya know' thing.)

And it's working. Nellie hates 'Baxter' (had to change his name. All my dogs begin with 'B'), and cannot stand him to be anywhere close to me. But Baxter loves me, and can op about seven acres into the sky, so she has one fit after another . . .works it, gets in shape. Maybe Nellie isn't headed for heart failure.

. . .and then . . .

And then Baxter stays at my feet. He plops down, I hear a muffled 'pop', and this awful smell that would make any boy camper three shakes past proud filters up around me, swirling, tangible . . .UNREAL!!

Brymers breath . . . Baxter booty. Why do I always get the dog with stench problems?

In Focus

I hope I am always and forever unable to stop from crying at the unreal horrific truths conveyed in 'Schindler's List."

Through a Fog of Mucus

Sick as a dog!
Sick as a dog!
sick as a dog . . . .

Now why do we say that? Does a dog get any sicker than any other animal? Where's the compassion? Where's the feeling? Where's the love?

Had to go into work though, even though I thought my ribs were breaking with each cough. Seems Julie, the chick who really runs PAC is leaving and it's all me now. Today was her last day. And I didn't manage speech until about 4pm this afternoon.

I don't need the job. I don't need the money. I don't need the stress. What is wrong with me???

My Heart

Every single night, when I finally put the book down because the ambien is making the words fuzzed, I reach over and stare at the picture of my mother that is next to my bed, flip off the light and I put my head on the pillow and listen to my heart.

It beats so intense that I am afraid Robert can hear it. The power of it is felt from one side of my skull to the other while my eyes sting in a kind of sadistic relief. It is a furious throb that seems to echo "One down . . .One down . . ."

I can feel myself measuring time, a countdown. To what? Nothing good. Like a bell tolling . . . there are a hundred possibilities that whisper soft; Robert gone? Rob or Jarred hurt? The government taken over?? Moral Collapse? Being alone. Totally alone.

"Gather ye rosebuds while you may . . . "

There is something coming . . .I can only ignore that fact until I put my head down and count the heartbeats.

It ain't good.

Now I have to go coax sleep.

I Feel Ill

The 'Friends of Hillary Clinton' called my phone!

They wanted to make sure that I was going to vote for change.

The 'friends of Hillary Clinton' were actually talking on my phone.

They were in my house . . . dripping liberalism . . . .

My phone allowed the 'friends of Hillary Clinton speak!' The whole dining room heard it!


I'm thinking of getting a new phone. Maybe a new number. The old one seems so defiled.