Pity Party

With all the great stuff gong on . . why do I feel like I am defeated?

No one would talk in class tonight, Robert didn't come home again and is leaving early tomorrow, Jaci and Jarred are not going to stay long at all in November, banks kept running checks fro PAC more than once and I had to call each one, Obama is ahead in the polls, the media is HORRIBLE, my sister is a dog tick, my cat is dead, I hurt too much to get on the horse . . . I want so much to just go cry. But that would require effort.

Don't you hate it when you're in a corner, feeling abandoned? No matter how my head tells me I'm never alone, sometimes you need to feel it.

Am I Obsessive Compulsive?

When I'm upset, I either go into a 'sit in the chair and stare with unfocused eyes into the void' or I start cleaning.

Last night it was cleaning. Watching the news, listening to all the stuff being slung on both sides, I got up and took stuff out of the washer, put stuff in the dryer, put stuff out to air dry, started another load, cleaned out the refrigerator and cleaned the kitchen. I didn't start until 8pm, which is usually my bed time.

Poor Robert. He kept talking to me and I answered on the fly. I thought I'd feel better after I voted. No.

I am 'hurt in my stomach' sick. That sinking feeling when you know you're in trouble.

Jarred, I don't agree with you. Four years CAN destroy this country.

Harlie

KIM, I NEED YOUR E MAIL ADDRESS!!!! You KNOW I have to respond!


I think my cat, Harlie, is dead.

I was saddling yesterday morning and she came up meowing like she was dying, but she always does that when I'm late with breakfast. So I told her to hang on . . I'd grab her special kitty as soon as i got Tesster going.

Then I called and called and called and she didn't come about 6 minutes later. I tried again this morning. She never misses a meal and she hasn't come to the door for 2 days. I haven't seen her since I told her to not have a cow, I'd feed her.

Robert told me she looked like she was sick last night . . .. said her hind end looked bad. Told me too late to do anything.

I feel rotten. She's an old cat, so it's not unexpected, but still, I am so afraid she is in pain somewhere, or died in pain. This sort of stuff haunts me.

Gag. I miss her.

Hang With Me Here - - -

So, let's get this straight: 'O' tells the plumber that he doesn't want to punish the plumier for succeeding, but rather to "spread the wealth around to those who were under him and helped him get to where he is" ! That's sounds like redistributing the wealth to me.

Isn't that socialism?

If 'O' gets elected, wouldn't it be the smart thing to quit my job, have Robert flipping burgers at Dairy queen and sit back waiting to have 'O''s wealth (And Bill Gates, and Barney Franks, and Ted Kennedy's . . . the list of millionaires/billionaires that live in the US is huge) re-distributed to me? And I'd better keep my house. And my cars, and every single thing I have now because as a human, I am entitled to all of them.

Doesn't that discourage success?

And to respond to Dana, no, I do not have the option to leave the country. That takes money. And I'm going to have much less of it after November 4th. The billionaires, however don't have that problem. What happens to 'O''s ideas then? Lot less wealth to "re-distribute."

So I Step in . . .

There's so many funny things out there about the election . . but I am finding it too hard to laugh.

Do I really have to pay for stuff that goes against my moral stance? Like abortion? And paying dead beats to remain deadbeats? Redistributing wealth? This is so wrong. If obama gets in (and it looks like he probably will), we will be rolling downhill towards socialism. HOW can we, as Americans, allow that? Are we too lazy to stop a liberal wacko from getting in the white house? Do people not look in to what this man stands for? What he's done?

And a side note, the only thing I really like about McCain is Palin.

If I only had the option to leave the country.

Life is Pain, Princess.

Pain makes me grumpy.

I was getting on the Tesster 3 weeks ago. I was up on the second step (Lazy, I know. If I had mounted correctly, I wouldn't be in this situation).

Any . .. I put my left foot in the stirrup to swing my right leg over and she jumped to her right. I couldn't take my foot out. I heard and felt this loud 'POP!" And thought I was going to die.

That was three weeks ago. I've been in pain all this time. Sitting in front of the computer all day makes it worse. Time has begun to be measured in the time it takes pain medication to wear off before I can take more. Even watching tv is horrible

So last night I go to class, as hateful and sour as I've ever been. I prayed the whole time going "Please don't let my attitude ruin the class. Please!"

Donna said it was the best class I've had. ha!

She'll never know how much it cost me.

Pretty petty

The chick who used to work here had 'bubble' handwriting. You know, that plump, exact lettering that makes me think of junior high school. And all the joy that came with that. It's the kind of lettering that you put hearts over your small 'i''s and small 'j''s and looks like balloons.

Every time I see it, one side of my upper lip goes up with my eyebrows. It's irritating.

Heavy Sigh

Wadda weekend!

I had a barn put up, hay hauled in, services to go to, elders to feed, a wedding shower to stop by,a horse to wash, back to services and then to a bad movie. All this while I turned 47.

47 years. A feelin every one of them.

Doom Two

She's awesome, she's fresh, she's the real deal, but I don't think she is enough to get me back.

He said he'd veto earmarks . . was adamant about it. And he signed that horrible 'save the greedy saps' thing.

I'm an independent now.

If I had my way I'd move to Canada. At least there you aren't suckered into believing in someone then slammed to the concrete when they lie.

And I have the right NOT to vote. Stinks when that seems to be the most patriotic thing you can do.

Doom

I flat out don't understand.

The mediator for the Vice Presidential debate has written a book that is Pro obama? And she's in charge of the questions?

The second main money earner for the freddie mac thing was/is obama? While it's a matter of record, he says NOTHING and is allowed to say NOTHING?

Obama says 'present' when he's in the senate (as apposed to 'yea' or 'nay'.) And the media is SILENT on this embarrasing record - which can be verified.

Obama wants to raise taxes on the people who hire/pay the people? Effectively punishing corporations for succeeding?

Stands for abortion on demand at the taxpayers expense?

Hidden beneath the robes of the ghost of Christmas present are two pathetic, scrawny, diseased children. They are named 'Ignorance' and 'Want'. And across their brow is printed the word 'Doom'.

Sorry, Jarred. I know you hate the word, know you think we'll be in trouble, but not 'doomed'.

Armageddon. Catastrophic. The end of the United States.

Doom.

The End of the Matter is This . . .

Wow and has God got a hold on all of it or what?

It's an awesome thing when you get to a place where you do something because you get to and not because you have to?

Mindless Wandering

It's when you know that you have scripture behind you and you get attacked by those who are supposed to support you. Because they want to keep an 'open mind'. And you feel like you've let God down if you listen to them. but you DO listen to them because isn't a christian supposed to be meek?

Or you get attacked and they don't say a word. Because they think you're doing 'just fine on your own'. Acting as unChristian as it gets and they leave you.

It's endless talk that goes around and around where you forget what started it all and just want peace. (you want to scream 'SHUT UP!" - it's got to be a kind of effective torture.)

It's loving someone and they use that love to work you into doing what they want.

It's manipulation. And I hate it.

My Mumbling Matra

"Mouth Control." Bless, do not curse.

"Put yourself in the other persons shoes."

What will happen to the other person if i don't forgive?

I must be really doing something right, because I am having a HARD time at work.

I Misspeak - - Again

Amy LaMore is so funny. Her indignation at my last blog absolutely made my day, my week, maybe my whole year. So let me rephrase:


Jennifer Maxwell knows me AS WELL AS anyone.

A Revelation

I'm teaching a class on Wednesday nights called "Bad Girls of the Bible." I am petrified. It's all the older ladies who know way way more than me and I am in front talking to them? It's unnerving. Although I try not to show it, this is HARD for me.

When i was reading Jaci's blog about her new puppy, she posted a picture of Julie with Jo Jo next to her. I whined like a baby: "I WANT that picture!"

Hang on - this all makes sense.

So there I am, shaking and nervous last Wednesday and right before class, Jennifer Maxwell hands me a folded piece of paper. It was Julie and Jo Jo.

Jennifer Maxwell knows me. I think maybe better than anyone.

Ike

As stupid as it sounds, I was so hoping Ike would swing this way. I LOVE a storm and the whole God-Power thing. I'm insured and so what if the house goes? It would actually be fun to redo things a bit.

I've heard, however, that it is death to be in the path of Ike. So I have the luxury of watching without the danger that Galveston and Houston have.

Wish it would get cold.

Fraility, thy name is 'Ken'

Our Bible study on Tuesdays is 'How to Love Someone you can't Stand." How ironically fitting.

Here at work. All caught up and trying to control the attitude.

I SO want to not make God angry. I do want to be what He asks.

It's a sobering thing to be conscience of your weakness. There is no doubt In my mind that only God can fix me. This time.

Every time.

A Day in the Life

Listening to Jaci and Jarred upstairs playing, James and Julee laughing and Jocelyn hitting the dangling bee I got her from Target and I just have to smile. Julee just called: "PaPa!! Com'ere!" to help her save Jaci. Jade just ran down the stairs, sliding on the wood. She's probably coming down here to toot again. She's gifted.


Jaci just hollered for James and Julee to help her. Too funny.

Virginia

Of course Brandee had to download these because I am the least computer literate person in the world. But you guys get an idea of these two cute kids Im hanging out with.

Have to tell you a cute story. I was in the hall and I thought I was alone, so I had a little gas. Okay, it was sorta loud, but after that plane ride I didn't care. Kaia comes tearing around the corner and says: "Daddy!"

His father would be so proud.

the South Will Rise Again.

Went to lunch today for BBQ. Being from Texas, I smirk when people say they know a good BBQ place. While the food was good, it was NOT BBQ.

The Church here is so like home, except the song leader was un . . . . .

. .. . . re . . . . .

. . . . . lee . . . . .

. .. . . . drag . . . .

. . . . ging . . . .

I've never been so glad to see the back end of "Stand Up for Jesus"


Virginia is a Yankee state, I don't care what the mason dixon line says.

These people are weird. And rude. And it's unreal that they won the war.

Airport Observations

I stand there, waiting for the call to wait in line so I can wait to check in, wait to find my seat, wait to take off, wait to land . . .

anyhow,

There I was, listening to my music watching people in the airport. I saw dozens of chubby couples, the wife almost always in front of the 'Dun-Lap' guy behind her. She looks perpetually irritated, he looks anxious that he is the cause for that irritation. And the only thing that I can't keep out of my mind is the fact that once those two giggled and whispered and 'did laundry' all the time. She ached for his call and died a little death when he kissed her. He hurried home to be able to touch her hand, smell the scent of 'her'.

But somewhere along the line they became disillusioned with that, or with each other, or maybe with life.

So what were people thinking as they watched me?

I think I need to remember that.

Attitude

My attitude is really beginning to worry me.

I know I've said this before, but, MAN! I am getting worse and worse as I grow older when it comes to speaking my mind. I listen to myself and can actually see me outside of me, lunging in slow motion, my arm out stretched hollering "NNNNNOOOOOO!" as I try to stop the words exit my mouth.

Is it because I love less? Because while I care what people think, I don't care nearly like I used to. Not at the expense of shutting up.

. . . and then . . .

... maybe that I love too much to shut up.

Nah, not that.

The Lottery

Because I'm fixin to go to Norfolk and then to Denver, I've been trying to wrap things up so Robert Fuselier doesn't have kittens or have all his hair fall out while I'm gone. Worry to that degree is SUCH a tiring waste of time. Every day I ask myself WHY I work there. It's to keep Robert Fuselier sane, I think. I am the only one he chills down around. So I bought him a Message Bible.

I'm entering into the show world again. Emily Mann will be showing my mini Tornado and Sara Stewart will be in charge of Hercules. What kind of idiot am i, huh? But those girls are NUTS about horses and showing. And I have a lot of horses.

It all comes down to using what God gives you to further God and not you.

It's a lottery. You don't ask God to bless you with that 45 million so you can show Him what you will do for Him. You take that 45 dollars and show Him what you will do for Him

So I guess I've won the lottery.

MP-3

Wow and how horrible has the last few weeks been? And just when I think I can't be hurt anymore . . .

God kicked me in my complacency. It's nice to actually grin while I type that. So I'm up late - it's 10:45pm!- buying music off Yahoo music so I can shut the door and work in oblivion tomorrow. I hear this stuff and it makes me relax.

and then . . .

My jaw hurts from bracing against the inevitable.

Thing that Makes Me Stop and Go "Hmmmm. . . "

And interesting observation:

I had a eye blurring, fighting-throwing-up, pulsating headache all day yesterday. I dreaded class with Emily Mann and Sarah Stewart because I was afraid of getting sick all over the place or falling off the horses because my equilibrium is effected by these headaches.

But I rode and I taught and my head felt better and better and better until it was gone.

Really gone. For the first time in literally 3 weeks. Gone.

Maybe it was the smell of Chief's sweat. Or the way Tesster obeyed. Or the laughter of those little girls.

Gone. Honest. Gone.

Blame it on Robert

Robert won't let me ride to work this week. It's hard on the horse and hard on me.

Personally, I think it's harder when I don't get any alone time with my horse, God and myself. Makes me sour.

And after yesterday, I think Robert's going to regret this decision.

. . .and the hits . . .

While I love Amy more than my luggage, I so wish she wouldn't worry. I have no idea how to stop taking on so much. So it's a bummer to know that I'm worrying her.

That being said . . .

There comes a point where all you can do is tie a knot and not let go.

Even if you don't want to.

I feel like I'm too old to have choices.

My God and I

There I was, sitting in the pew, singing 'Faithful Love' and crying because Christ is truly the ONLY one who will not let me down. It was so cool to have a and having such a heart so full of gratitude that it spilled out all over my face . . .


. . . and then . ..

. . . and then Mike and Jenn went forward to place membership and Mike ended up getting baptised by Robert.

Proof positive that God loves to give out gifts when we least expect them and in quantities that are unreal in their proportions.

An Explanation

Wes's tests came back bad. I want to go to Arkansas just to give one hug, then come back.

My Dralena's tests came back bad. I have this great need to just put my hand on her - just to feel that she is near.

My brother, Mike had a heart attack. He's 51.

I will not be negative around people. I will not. I will not.

Wes is optimistic. Dralena is quiet and Mike is all right now.

I will smile around people. I will.

No wonder my head won't stop hurting.

. . . and then . . .

This is an unreal 2 weeks.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then you think of how it could get. And then you shudder.

I Thought it was Just Brymer & Nellie

Was staring across the desk at Darla Royal today and I thought; "She's one of those too."

"Those" being people who accept/love/put up with me no matter what.

Darla with her quiet strength. And her listening ear. And her loyalty. And her emphatic tear filled eyes

Jennifer Maxwell. she would drop everything, even Mike if I needed her. Awesome.

Dana Lamore - her love makes me fearless. I rest in the security of Dana.

Kara who needs me almost as much as she loves me. She loves me enough to let me overprotect her.

Jaci who is a friend first and foremost, then family. She is so patient. She is a smile.

And, believe it or not, the list goes on. Susie, Robert Fuselier, Corinna, Donna, Betty, Jamie, Mike, James, Rachel, Karen, Dralena, Alice, Misty, Brad . . . the world is full of unreal people. God gave them to me.

This is not a blog to cover bases. It's an reference of my worth. These people are amazing. And I am special to them.

So I must be doing something right.

My Sweet Paula

Went forward today at Church. Too much hitting me too fast. I needed power and needed it yesterday.



. . . Cheri, Kelly, Amy, Andy, Karen, Robert, Paula, Rob. . .



And it was like there was something else. Something big. And then I opened Wes's e-mail.



If you are blessed in life, you have one of those "no matter what, no matter how long it's been since you spoke, no matter what you do" friends. They stand by you. These people are really odd. They love and accept me no matter what. I don't irritate them. They actually seemed pleased to see me. Just having one is an unreal blessing.

I have four. Robert Hutton, Sarah Morlock, Amy Lamore and Paula Tarte.

Paula lives in Arkansas. She and her husband Wes would play cards with Robert and I into the wee hours. She knows things about me that NO one knows. She listens. She laughs. And I adore her. I always have. And will.

She's getting sucker punched as we speak. Unfair and surprisingly violent, the hits just keep on coming to her.

Can she feel the love I have for her across the miles? Like I felt that something was up on July 6th?

Pray. Please.

Sometimes

Sometimes you have to sit back and allow God to love someone enough to do what He needs without hindering Him so they will come back.

Sometimes you have to listen to a love so large you can't comprehend.

Sometimes you have to let go of all the wisdom of this ball of mud and allow that there is Someone who knows more than you and better than you and stronger than you ever imagined. And He wants her back - is desperate to have her back.

I have to tell Kelly that.

JustJackieRamblin

It is so cool to finally be able to not be exhausted totally at the end of the day. I used to get up, ride to work, work, ride home (in 103 degrees) and just sit there in this confused daze as I carefully didn't lean my sweaty back into the cushions of my sofa.

Now I do all that with an extra jump. I'm not tired at 10 o'clock. (Yes, you read that last correctly. I don't go to bed until 11 now. ) I am painting and moving furniture and actually spending time with the horses. Too cool.

Sure I'm having insomnia, sure my blood pressure is too high, and sure, I'm way too fat,

But other than that, I'm goood.

Oh, and I miss Jarred/Jaci and the kids.

And I don't know what I would do to see Kaia, Rob and Brandee. And I don't think I'd know Ava if she was handed to me in the street.

But other than that . . .

Oh! A quick not to those I haven't really talked to in awhile:
I sure do love Darla.
And Dana.
And Paula - I so miss Paula.
And *Donna.
And *Donna.

But really, it's cool. Finally.



*Those are two different people."\

To Jaci

If you hadn't turned that left a long time ago and met Jarred . . ..

I wouldn't know James. I wouldn't know Julee. I wouldn't know Jocelyn. I would know Ceal, and Joe and Gen. I wouldn't know Jade. I wouldn't laugh with you. I wouldn't get to ride horses with you. Or make broccoli. Or try your chicken bread, or giggle at the guys behind their backs, or sit next to you in services, or almost bust with pride at the job you do as a wife and mother. And daughter. Or watch your face at Bible study. Or a zillion other things that has happened because you decided to give my kid a second glance.

You can second guess the rights and wrongs of every decision and go nuts with 'What if's . .. "

But the simple fact is - I have you. And the my world is a better place because of that.

And it ain't even a Monday

Wadda day. And a rotten one it was, I'm here to tell you.

Had a doctors appointment. Found out some not so great stuff and went back to work and ended up having to have John drive me home because I couldn't drive. Spent the rest of the day laying low. Missed church. Didn't get to see my horses like at all, Robert was so worried I thought he was going to cry. I didn't finish payroll, I didn't enter anything new in the computer, I didn't check billing, I didn't get to see Amy or Darla, or Jennifer or Mike or Kara, or Mildred or Alice - - crud, this list could REALLY go on and on.

Wadda rotten day.

HA!

I was riding to work yesterday and the mama dog and three of her puppies came out at me !!!

She's gained weight and the puppies are way too cute. It was kinda hard to make sure it was her, but them I could tell. Her little thingies were all shriveled just like . . uh. waitaminute.

Maybe we shouldn't go there.

My Saturday

So here I am at work on Sunday because this is the only time Robert could get in to check the server for Robert (Fuselier). I come in and there's notes from people telling me that I blew it again with the billing. I looked over everything and I didn't. So I have to pray for tact when they come in so it doesn't ruin my day.

Cheri came in and cleaned my house yesterday. It is CLEAN and it smells SO good, I think I'm a happy happy camper. I could get all kinds of stuff done yesterday because I didn't have to play catch up on all the housework on my Saturday. I even re-seeded the back two pastures AND cleaned out the tack room! It was great! That chick is hired!

It rained last evening! Real rain. thunder and lightning and decent showers for about 20-30 minutes! The ground smelled all sour. But the seeds will take, I hope.

I think that's why God held off on the rain. I've been needing to put that grass out for 6 months. But since I didn't God must have held off on the rain until I did.

So the drought is my fault.

Observation from Horseback

Why do cars never come up in front and behind you at the same time, forcing you to the far curb until you're over that part in the road with the overhanging branch?

Like, EVERY time.

Stand in the Rain

She never slows down
She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone
Feels like it's all coming down
She won't tun around
the shadows are long and she fears if she cries that first tear
The Tears will not stop raining down


I am back to the 'coke bottle spinning'.

And even if all the things, that consume my time like a sponge drinking water, what good is it?

How can you spend so much time doing good things and be so overwhelmed it becomes work you HAVE to do? I love these people. But I am so tired of all this.

Then what do you do with the guilt that results from that that?

And the fear's whispering, if she stands, she'll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything she's running from
Wants to give up and lie down.

Update

Rode past there this morning. I heard two puppies yap, but that was all. If it was possible to catch them, I would have tried to catch them. Even played around with the idea of bringing food there and making sure they kept fed.

And then . . .

There are just no good answers here.



What a rotten start to the week.

A Dog Story

When I ride to work I go back behind the elementary. It's all wooded and peaceful. Probably the best part of my ride.

The only problem is that there is a mama dog - probably a drop off, who has about 6 puppies. You can see her ribs and backbone from the back of a horse. She is very protective, snarling and barking right up underneath Tesster. And while Tess usually loves to go after dogs (she has a distinct sadistic streak), she does not like this dog. I don't understand, but it must be saying things only she can understand, because she flat out wants to bolt away from her and all the little yappy pups who follow her lead. It's irritating. Still, I feel bad for the mama who obviously is starving trying to keep her puppies fed.

That all changed this week. The mama dog was gone. I was met with half hearted barks and tails tucked as I rode home Friday. They were alone. And it occurred to me that the mama must have been killed. The puppies were now on their own. Probably because some person didn't find $80.00 to get a dog fixed.

Next time I ride I'll look for her, but I don't think she's coming back. She wouldn't have left those puppies all by themselves to contend with the huge black and white thing if she had been able to.

Bummer. Big time.

Back in the saddle

Like Jaci, I'm trying to get back into the Blog stuff. It's just hard, but I know how much I look forward to reading other peoples stuff. Maybe you all miss me..

It's Friday and the weekend is packed. I hate it when I do that, but I ALWAYS do that!
Tesster is out back, waiting on me. She calls really loud when anyone walks out the pack of PAC, hoping it's me ready to get home. She is kinda puny - thinking i might need to get some penicillin in her. also, she has a shoe loose and a horizontal crack on her right fore. Hate to think I'm gonna have to ride Chief in instead of her.

Good thing I'm sure of my salvation.

Brymer has finally begun to come out of his stroke. That seems to happen much more frequently than before. that sends me into a spiraling mood.

Have a riding lesson, so I'm out the door to get started on the ride home. It's cool today. Only 95 degrees.

Well, this is depressing.

The sun . .. ohmiword, the sun. This heat is almost frightening. It waits, crouched and ready to destroy. The door has become an oven door. The grass looks tired. The tomatoes are dying, the horse sweat in the shade, under the fans. I abhor the heat. Always have.

The House is quiet now. Back to Robert and I. And Nellie. And Brymer. Work is quietly impossible - I will never be finished. Tess is patiently waiting to head home. I am dreading the walk out to throw on the saddle.

But the horses need hay, Nellie needs to come back inside and I have to see how Brymer is now. He stroked this morning.

Like - - Wow

The funniest thing about all the hub bub over the KSAT interview is the way I feel when people make a big deal out of it.

It's a self image thing. I hate the way I look and I work to look better and I don't and I HATE to have people notice me. People always think I'm joking when I say that, but those who know me know.

I thought all this would be fun, but I hadn't realized how it would grow. It makes me squirm to be under the microscope. I now know - LOTS of people have called- that I am and have been watched for a while.

I told Meg the other day that it made me uncomfortable to have people looking at me. And she said: "Duh! You're on a black and white horse in the middle of town. What do you expect?"

'Duh' is right.

But it's my personality. I have to learn to deal with all this or hire some pretty , witty chick to play 'me' through it.

Thanks Darla

When I blew up at Stacy, I found myself irritated - no, infuriated, most of all by her total lack of anything or anyone outside her sphere. Being European, she sure has a different mid set than what this 'dyed in the wool Texan as soon as I could get here' girl. It is hard to watch and not act negative about her total negativity.

"All Americans are fake, and Texans are the worst.."
"Why do you ask people how you are and keep going?"
"Why don't you and Robert argue? There's no yelling here."
"Why are you smiling all the time?"
"Life is hard and the world is not good."
"There is too much Church here."

After a couple of months of this, I'll admit, I was ready to blow. Stacy just provided one too many opprtunities.
After I chilled a little, I sat her down and told her that unless you put others before self, the world is a rotten place. I told her about serving no matter what. No matter who. I told her: "It's so much better to think good and help others. Can't you see that, Stacy?"

I got a blank stare.

I started the ball. Help me to trust that it is moving. Because I can't see a thing.

I'm headed out again. Have ridden to work the last two days and it's been pretty cool. It's been okay in the mornings, but the evenings . . .?

Now it's 99 degrees and high humidity.

Tesster is offended. But then again, she's the Tesster. what else would you expect?

Stacy

I lost it so totally last night.

When the boys were small, and then growing, I wasn't a person who hollered. I was above that. It just meant a person had 'no control'. In fact, the boys were more frightened of my low demon voice. Besides play fighting, I don't remember ever raising my voice to them.

I screamed at Stacy last night. Something in me snapped and I opened fire. I snarled at her like a rabid wolf about responsibility, taking responsibility, and disrespect of a magnitude I have never, never dealt with concerning my own kids. Then I told her I couldn't stand to be around her and stormed into the bedroom, slamming the door.

To her credit, she was wise enough to take it. Wise enough to take the blame. Wise enough to apologize over and over and over.

But I lost it.

Is that good or bad or both? And how do I stop the shaking of fury that I still deal with this morning?

Just a quick plea

If I have made anyone mad at me this last month, cut me some slack, OK?

Get mad at me later. Not now.

Questions

Why do referees think you pay to see them blow the whistle?

Why do you always wear the wrong colored pants when an accident happens?

Why do you put loving and contempt in the same phrase?

Why is the person who trains you always have bad breath?

Why does your deodorant always roll into those long spaghetti things in your armpits?

Why do you always have too much time and no money or no money and too much time?

Why do you talk to a person who would allow you to go in public with a bat in your nose?

Why do your feet smell only when the whole gang is over for a Spurs party and you kick off your shoes?

Why does a little girl who looks just like Kaia keep coming in the gym?

Why do fleas bodies make a little snapping 'pop' some of the times and other times there's not a whisper even if you cut them in half with your fingernails?

Why do I always start a garden, then let it go?

And why am I so mean to Robert all the time?

Skippin Along . . ..

Spurs lost. Bummer.
Got in a fight with Robert Sunday. Bummer
Found out that the Message IS based on the Greek and Aramaic. Cool.
J to the 5th is coming in the 24th. Cool.
Haven't heard a thing from Rob since forever. Bummer.
Spurs lost. Bummer
Fit back into my black pants. Cool.
Praying for so many right now with no response, I'm wondering if God is still listening to me. Trying to be a patient grown up about it. Ain't working. Super bummer.
New Orleans won again. Big time bummer.
I have forgotten what Rob and Jarred were like as kids. Super bummer.
A big one looming on the horizon. Looking forward with some trepidation. Bummer to the 4th.

Am at a point in my life where I don't have a clue what I'm doing. All lost and confused and resentful. What's all that about?

Added to all that, the Spurs lost.

The Wind Blows Lonley

There I was, trying to get two years worth of paperwork done, while running a showroom with Robert Fuselier in front of me talking all day Friday.

There I was, Stacy next to me as I rushed in for her and ran to Mike Norwoods party @ the Kelly's.

There I was, talking to Amy and Becka and Stacy and Katherine all Friday evening.

There I was, Dralena Kelly on one side, Stacy on the other the whole trip to College Station.

There I was, sitting in the same room with Dralena, Jonathon, Stacy, Paul, Patrick, Amos and Robert, watching a nail biter Spurs game. The room was small, the game ballistic.

There I am, rushing out to the car as soon as the game is over, to go to an Aggies Football game. Dralena, Stacy, Jon and Robert were all in the truck - we were all snuggled close for the ride.

There I am, sitting and watching a game, with Paul and Jon and Stacy and Amos giggling at, and toward and across me.

. . . do you get the point that I was never alone this weekend? It was exhausting to always smile and make conversation. It was also painful.

I have come to the conclusion that having gas is the answer to fixing life.

You hold it in and it makes you feel rotten. You let it out, and everyone laughs and you feel better and even if it smells bad, it's a thing about volume that counts.

Hey, it's my blog. My call.

I'm Full Now

When I snort in really hard, there is this high pitched squeal . .

Would that be air working it's way around the . . .stuff?

The Night of the Allergy

Never had allergies. My whole life - not a one. Then comes April 12, 2008. Oak pollen off the charts, a frount screaming in, and fine particles of dust invading every oriface you didn't even know existed.

It is an interesting sensation to be so tired you can't think of moving, but unable to sleep because you left your ambien at home. So you turn to your left and the congestion sloshes, then empties over into the left side of your sinuses (you can actually feel it go: "Gaal-looop.") Your eyes water and there is the feel of a vacuum as it exits one side and flows into the other. Then comes the drainage, seeking escape. While I was prepared for that stage - I'd stuck a Kleenex up my nose as a plug. When that side gets full, (about 10 minutes) you go to your right side and it starts again.

This was my world on Friday night. It seemed like that night went on forever. Back and forth, "Galooping' my way to dawn.

Then came Emily, Dara, and Mat at 6:30 to begin a day of showing horses.

So it starts again

Have a horse show this weekend. The little girl that is showing Hercules is so tiny, and SCARED!!!! but she is so way adorable that I'm afraid that she'll place because of her dimples instead of keeping her head in the game.

I keep thinking how much I would love to be teaching James, Jules, or Kaia to be doing this instead. I ache so much to have someone who has my blood in them to share a piece of my love.

That's why I think I wrote the book. Just in case Kaia hates horses, maybe her kid will pull out the ancient, unread copy of "If You Wanna Learn Humility, Buy a Horse" that her great grandma wrote back in '07 and wish she might have known me.

Just thinking on that happening makes me smile.


[Insert contented sigh here.]

This Will Make No Sense . . .

If you take a bottle and put it one the floor and give it a violet twist of the wrist, it goes so fast, it jumps and skids across the floor. No path. No sense, just an uncontrollable missile. And you're not allowed to stop it . . It's a sort of vicious game that compels you to wait until it finishes on it's own.

I don't know why I can't. I don't understand that rule . . but I can't ignore it.

And when it finally stops, it hasn't got time to quell the vertigo that the whole trip has caused. It just braces itself for the next hand to start it twirling again.

That is my life.

My prayers are: "God! I'm begging You . . please don't", "Please make me strong enough to bear it", "Please blind me to what You need to do to work Your plan . . because I can't bear watching this anymore."

Qyuestion of the ages

How do people work full time and keep up with anything else?

I'd almost kill to be bored.

March 31 My Psalm

From the depths, I call to You, my God.
From the bottom of my world, I look up to You and plead for mercy.

I speak without a word,
because words that describe this hole do not exist.

I whisper for blessed ignorance.
Spirit, lance my heart.
I can't bear this pain.

I would have lived my entire life
to not know what I know now.

Now this is a Blog for girls.

So here I am, leaning forward to be able to see the screen while I read up on the Spurs and it keeps popping down. Every time I tried to scroll up, it zoomed! back down. Irritating!!!

Then, I watched the little blinkey thingee zipping across the screen, left to right left to right over and over and over and I thought 'GAG! My computer is crashing!!! ARRRGH!"

. . . and then . . .

and then I looked down and saw my chest was hanging over the keys, laying on them, making the space bar stay down and pressing on the arrow.


HA!!!

I have no flippant remark!

La De da de da

Am actually typing this at work. It's the only time I have time. How odd is that?

Robert wants another baby - horse, so bad. So bad that he wants me to take Tesster up to the same daddy as Chief because this is his last year to stud out. - (Wadda life, huh? Think on what that entails and sigh heavy.)

Beaner is huffing and puffing bad. Brymers breathe is even worse and Baxter is a mass of movement. Shaved Hercules for the show season. He looks like a rat.

I thinks it's getting hot outside. I'm not sure. I'm in a green room with Enya and the soundtrack from 'City of Angles'.

Wonder what I'll title this one.

. . . and then . . .

I am so emotionally drained. and physically drained. There has been too much going on at work. So much that I'm beginning to question my decision to do this.

And it's not that I don't care, it's not that I don't realize how much God needs me there. It's not even all the work ( HOW do people have time to stand around? I find myself standing and leaning over the computer because my hiney hurts.)

It's the drain of being around people who are so unhappy, liking that and making sure they spread that around. I am the middle man. I am the peacemaker.

. . . and then . . . .

and then I realize why Christ put so much emphasis on taming the tongue. On turning the other cheek. On keeping your mind on the Prize.