This Will Make No Sense . . .

If you take a bottle and put it one the floor and give it a violet twist of the wrist, it goes so fast, it jumps and skids across the floor. No path. No sense, just an uncontrollable missile. And you're not allowed to stop it . . It's a sort of vicious game that compels you to wait until it finishes on it's own.

I don't know why I can't. I don't understand that rule . . but I can't ignore it.

And when it finally stops, it hasn't got time to quell the vertigo that the whole trip has caused. It just braces itself for the next hand to start it twirling again.

That is my life.

My prayers are: "God! I'm begging You . . please don't", "Please make me strong enough to bear it", "Please blind me to what You need to do to work Your plan . . because I can't bear watching this anymore."

Qyuestion of the ages

How do people work full time and keep up with anything else?

I'd almost kill to be bored.

March 31 My Psalm

From the depths, I call to You, my God.
From the bottom of my world, I look up to You and plead for mercy.

I speak without a word,
because words that describe this hole do not exist.

I whisper for blessed ignorance.
Spirit, lance my heart.
I can't bear this pain.

I would have lived my entire life
to not know what I know now.

Now this is a Blog for girls.

So here I am, leaning forward to be able to see the screen while I read up on the Spurs and it keeps popping down. Every time I tried to scroll up, it zoomed! back down. Irritating!!!

Then, I watched the little blinkey thingee zipping across the screen, left to right left to right over and over and over and I thought 'GAG! My computer is crashing!!! ARRRGH!"

. . . and then . . .

and then I looked down and saw my chest was hanging over the keys, laying on them, making the space bar stay down and pressing on the arrow.


HA!!!

I have no flippant remark!

La De da de da

Am actually typing this at work. It's the only time I have time. How odd is that?

Robert wants another baby - horse, so bad. So bad that he wants me to take Tesster up to the same daddy as Chief because this is his last year to stud out. - (Wadda life, huh? Think on what that entails and sigh heavy.)

Beaner is huffing and puffing bad. Brymers breathe is even worse and Baxter is a mass of movement. Shaved Hercules for the show season. He looks like a rat.

I thinks it's getting hot outside. I'm not sure. I'm in a green room with Enya and the soundtrack from 'City of Angles'.

Wonder what I'll title this one.

. . . and then . . .

I am so emotionally drained. and physically drained. There has been too much going on at work. So much that I'm beginning to question my decision to do this.

And it's not that I don't care, it's not that I don't realize how much God needs me there. It's not even all the work ( HOW do people have time to stand around? I find myself standing and leaning over the computer because my hiney hurts.)

It's the drain of being around people who are so unhappy, liking that and making sure they spread that around. I am the middle man. I am the peacemaker.

. . . and then . . . .

and then I realize why Christ put so much emphasis on taming the tongue. On turning the other cheek. On keeping your mind on the Prize.

Walls

I'm back to a 'Cleave' again. Robert is up and going and it really was a little irritating that people actually clapped when we came to class tonight. No one clapped for me. Bummmm-eeerrr.

Have a person I'm so concerned about right now. And it's not because they are a mess and need support 24/7. It's that I don't see much emotion at all. It's a wall that's been put up. I would rather hate and rant and rave then shut down.

For a while this has been happening to me. And I fight it constantly. You ache to love and care and all you can manage it a sympathetic smile while you wonder about lunch or work or the blemish on that person's face. And how do you get past that and feel life again? Once it starts, it's like pushing a boulder on a 30 degree incline. It will end up killing you and there's nothing you can do to stop that from happening.

How do you stop it from happening when it's happening?

Don't let that happen to her.

And, oh, Father, don't let that happen to her.

Emergency rooms, Blood Clots and 'The Ring'

You know, when you're in the emergency room with the same people for SIX HOURS before you even get called back, you tend to bond.

We got there at 9:15 am. And waited. And waited. They teased us with the quick tri-age, then left us to stand all day (Robert couldn't sit because of the pain thing and I wasn't going to sit if he didn't.) The only chick who had been there long than us was this girl who had Roberts symptons. So we got to yakking. She ended up in the next bed to us in the Intensive Care unit, and kept walking in and talking. The doctor was scared of a blood clot in Robert's lung, and I was okay until that came up.

They wouldn't Robert eat because of the surgery possibility and I wasn't going to eat if he didn't.

Long long day. And I'm too relieved that it's "just penomnia" - it's contagious, did you know that? I thought once the temp was gone you were safe. Wadda world!


BTW - - - If you got off the hook in the movie "The Ring' by having someone else watch the tape before your seven days were up, why did Noah die? His kid saw it after he had.

Someone explain that. It really ruins the movie for me.

Just Jackie Rambling

And the hits just keep on comin . ..

And it would be better, I think, if I could somehow make things happen only to me and not those I love. And, like Jaci, I know it'll all be better in the end, I know I'll look back and smile at all this, but still . . .

I woke up this morning to the sound of a large (C-5?) going right over my house. It was LOUD and woke me up from a dead sleep. It went over, then only went a ways, then it sounded like it had landed. All I could think was: "Oh no! The Libyans!!! Hillary must have made president overnight!"

No, Kim, I couldn't make an enemy of you. I just hope you keep loving me!

Working as a manager!! of PAC while Karen and Robert are gone. Like a know anything about running a gym!

Baxter is now an 'it'. Now if he'll only hold 'it' until I let him outside.

It's like 80 degrees here and I have got to find time to plant all my stuff I ordered.

I miss my husband. He's been gone since the pneumonia set in. It's like when we went to Brandee and Robs wedding - this is not my husband.

Jamie was over last night. He tried to get me Superchicks 'Stand in the Rain' for my ring tone. you should have heard his disgust when he saw my phone. "You have SPRINT?"

Okay. I'm done now.

*sigh*

Blocks blocks blocks. Life, I am realizing over and over, is an intricate stacking of blocks, a kind of 'Jinga' thing that gets so shaky sometimes, you wonder how in the world it can keep from tumbling.

You'd think I'd be used to this by now. Satan kicking the mess out of you when you're down.

I keep thinking, "I am so stupid. Why won't I learn what God is trying so hard to teach me?"

But then again, if I knew that, I wouldn't be asking, would I?

Wake up Call

When I entitled the last blog 'Time to Make some enemies", I had no idea where it would lead.

Wow. I can't hide my head in the sand anymore.

Time to Make Some Enemies

I said I wasn't gonna . . .

But, come on! The whole "Who is gonna do the most, give me the most, take care of me the best?' stint on this elections offends me.

Offends me big time.

Chirst tells me to be second. Christ tells me to serve. He dosen't pick the governing authorites - - - He allows them to rule to bring about what He knows needs to be brought to light. And works through their actions, good or bad.

You can't tell me that God wanted all those unsaved Jews to die, but He allowed Hilter to come to power. You can't tell me the God I read about in scripture loved the effects of Ivan the Great (Terrible), but He allowed that monster to come to power.

It's not about who gets the power . . it's about how WE serve God through it, right?

Barak -"Gag me with a fork and kill me now" OBama, or Hillary "Two Faced -File gate, travel office scum and liar in chief" Clinton, or John "I wish I would pick a path" McCain . . . .

. . . really, isn't' God going to use any of them? They're not the important ones. We are. Because we're the ones God loves.

And the right to vote? The obligation to make a decision? I have no rights. I belong to Christ. He is my life. What can possibly measure up to that?

March 5

I knew it was going to be a hard day.

Julie's 2 today and I don't have her around to irritate and cuddle on. She's such a card . . . . I am looking forward to her puberty almost as much as I'm dreading it. Poor Jaci - no, poor Jarred. What am I saying??? Poor me, because I have no clue how to deal with a Julie growing up.

It's been a year today. The memory of that makes me pause. Hands me regrets. Makes me angry. All the helplessness and guilt and real fear that mom might never have known how I felt because I didn't. One year. It's been at least 10. And it was last weekend.

And Kaia was sick. Sick enough to give Brandee a catch in her voice when she called. Sick enough to make my insides drop. And frustrated more than anything that I am helpless here as they live in England.

Well, that stinks.

Now, why does this kind of stuff always happen to me?

Let's start from the beginning. Da Beaner is a little 'physically fit' challenged. She rolls into a room. Can't jump up at all, and perpetually goes around panting with her tongue hanging out. It either doesn't fit anymore, or it's too much work to stash it where it belongs.

So my sister calls and says she's getting rid of her Boston terrier, 'Max'. He's just 8 months and she has too many doge. So I get him, so Nellie can find some kind of encouragement to actually move (besides doing the 'ya know' thing.)

And it's working. Nellie hates 'Baxter' (had to change his name. All my dogs begin with 'B'), and cannot stand him to be anywhere close to me. But Baxter loves me, and can op about seven acres into the sky, so she has one fit after another . . .works it, gets in shape. Maybe Nellie isn't headed for heart failure.

. . .and then . . .

And then Baxter stays at my feet. He plops down, I hear a muffled 'pop', and this awful smell that would make any boy camper three shakes past proud filters up around me, swirling, tangible . . .UNREAL!!

Brymers breath . . . Baxter booty. Why do I always get the dog with stench problems?

In Focus

I hope I am always and forever unable to stop from crying at the unreal horrific truths conveyed in 'Schindler's List."

Through a Fog of Mucus

Sick as a dog!
Sick as a dog!
sick as a dog . . . .

Now why do we say that? Does a dog get any sicker than any other animal? Where's the compassion? Where's the feeling? Where's the love?

Had to go into work though, even though I thought my ribs were breaking with each cough. Seems Julie, the chick who really runs PAC is leaving and it's all me now. Today was her last day. And I didn't manage speech until about 4pm this afternoon.

I don't need the job. I don't need the money. I don't need the stress. What is wrong with me???

My Heart

Every single night, when I finally put the book down because the ambien is making the words fuzzed, I reach over and stare at the picture of my mother that is next to my bed, flip off the light and I put my head on the pillow and listen to my heart.

It beats so intense that I am afraid Robert can hear it. The power of it is felt from one side of my skull to the other while my eyes sting in a kind of sadistic relief. It is a furious throb that seems to echo "One down . . .One down . . ."

I can feel myself measuring time, a countdown. To what? Nothing good. Like a bell tolling . . . there are a hundred possibilities that whisper soft; Robert gone? Rob or Jarred hurt? The government taken over?? Moral Collapse? Being alone. Totally alone.

"Gather ye rosebuds while you may . . . "

There is something coming . . .I can only ignore that fact until I put my head down and count the heartbeats.

It ain't good.

Now I have to go coax sleep.

I Feel Ill

The 'Friends of Hillary Clinton' called my phone!

They wanted to make sure that I was going to vote for change.

The 'friends of Hillary Clinton' were actually talking on my phone.

They were in my house . . . dripping liberalism . . . .

My phone allowed the 'friends of Hillary Clinton speak!' The whole dining room heard it!


I'm thinking of getting a new phone. Maybe a new number. The old one seems so defiled.

Fool Me Once . . .

Sitting here waiting for our new kid to come over. We're having an exchange student stay until May. And why in the world didn't I say no? I am and will forever be a pushover.

Last night we had people over and got to talking about how I let people take advantage of me. The person who 'warned'me that was all angry because he was afraid I would regret the stuff I do to help out people who've taken advantage of him.

But you know, so what? So what if they do? So what if I get rooked?

In the scheme of things, does it really matter?

Isn't watching out for me Gods job?

My time

I am so much better with my time when Robert's gone and I have a job. I just am more productive. While I do miss the reading time, still, it's better than waking up and saying 'What in the world am I going to do today?'

I used to be excited for Mondays because they were laundry day and then Tuesday's because they were bathroom days. Pretty sad when a toilet bowl gives you a sense of importance, huh?

And I can't get my spell check to work on this dashboard. Now I don't have the time to even try to figure it out.

A Whole New World

I guess I've gone back to work. Robert is like NEVER home. And the horses are too hard to get on by myself. And I can only watch the Waltons for so long before I just don't care about John Boy or Mary Ellen any more. And I'm not good at cleaning. And I put all my movies into albums so they're not in my face to watch anymore.

Besides . . .

God really needs me in this place and I guess that takes care of all arguments against it.

It's nice to feel needed . And wanted.

While I was Goin Through Jaci's Pictures . . .

A while ago Jaci told me that there were pictures on her blog of her when she was little and then growing up. And I meant to look at them, but never got around to it. Until today.

I thought it was Cynthia. The pictures of Jaci as a little girl and the little girl I tried so hard to adopt were so close, they could be sisters. It brought back a lot of stuff I thought I'd 'gotten over'.

The question is this: Did I love Cynthia because she looked like Jaci? Or do I love Jaci now because she looks like Cynthia?

I guess the answer is 'Yeah.'.

Brandee

Isn't she pretty?

When I was in England, I got to talk to Brandeelots more than usual. Got to watch her and Rob and her and Kaia and her and Ava. The instant messaging thing just don't cut it.

I miss her and Rob.

Thanks, Jacki

I was reading Jaci's blog yeaterday and remembered everything she said.

I know that feeling of 'screaming bored' at just staying at the house with kids that are unable to carry on a conversation. The desperate clinging to Robert when he came home because I was ready to kill to talk to someone who would talk back. Before I got into the Church, I was so lonley.

So, I began my new book because those feelings are part of that. Because Jaci reminded me of those times. And because I just might be able to publish something that makes people go; "YEAH! I know what you're saying! Preach it!"

Lola Faye Showers

Lola Faye is gone.

Wow. She was the first person who helped us when we moved here in 1996. She had an article in the christian woman magazine at the same time i had my short story 'The Madaris Clinic'. She used to blast me with her little quips - whether I needed it or not. When we went to sing for here last Saturday, I can see here there, tiny, so fragile and smiling. And when she wore purple, it lit up her face like a rainbow. She glowed.

The thing I can't seem to shake is when she came up to Robert, the leukemia advanced, the pain unreal and said that ". . . something had to be done." When he asked what he could do for her, she said, serious as a judge: "The smell of the crickets in the kitchen! Robert, as an elder, you must do something."

Age fever

We were at Andy and Amy's unloading things for the yard sell tomorrow (insert heavy sigh here) and I was listening to Andy try to get through life with the mountain cedar ripping his body to shreds. His throat was all clogged and his face was all 'sickey' and he just wasn't moving with his usual spring.

. . . and then . . .

Then I laughed because I have absolutley no 'spring' anymore - in fact, I'm like a drought ridden August day. I live in a perpetual 'sickey' face because of age and horses and age. And my throat was awffly clogged too - from all the dust on my stuff!

At least Andy gets to feel better when the cedar blows away.



*sigh*

Lost 10 years I Can't Afford

So here I was, watching the Waltons, when I hear a door slam outside. It's the carpet guys, coming to clean the area rug I've decided to pull out of the garage and use to cover up the stains on the living room carpet until I get the money to replace the stained carpet with lamiate flooring.

So I have them go get it for me - forgot to ask Robert last night, and they start to clean it when Brymer and Nellie begin to 'protect' me with startling volume. So I put them out and we la de da de da on our way. Unbeknownest to me - - -the gate is open.

The dogs were gone. Totally. I was yelling like some banshee woman and the wind was blowing these leaves all over that are about the size of Brymer, so I kept getting relieved and then dissapointed. In short, I began to freak. Really freak. I used my 'I mean it, Brymer Hitchcock Hutton, You Are In Danger of Getting Drop Kicked' voice. Nothing.

So I jumped on my bike, still screaming for them and these people way up the road tell me that they saw them. They were in that new housing complex, peeing and sniffing and marking and so cheerful I could have died. They follwed me home, too happy for colored Kibble.

It was the longest 20 minutes of my life. It's been two hours ago, and my stomach still hurts.

Man

I had no idea. I am a well intentioned blind idiot, stumbling around this world.

Lesson learned: Robert loves Jackie = Proof of Gods love.

To my Friend

If I only would have known,

I would have searched you out every single minute . . .

I would have called you to tell you I was thinking of you . ..

I would have cried with you . ..

I would have been praying.

All this time you didn't want to bother, or let anyone into your business, or think anyone cared, I wanted to help. I would have been there for you.

I am sick to think you didn't realize that.

Jocelyn

OMIWORD!!!!

Is she way WAY too cure or what???

While I miss her 'Don King', I have to admit, she is way too adorable for words!!!!

Won't it be cool when her and Ava and Julie and Kaia all get together????

I get to do the tea party thing!

I Don't Even Know if I Spelled His Name Right!

I told myself I wasn't going to to do this, but I can't seem to be able to help it.

Barak O Bama, according to the news today, called Bill Clinton a liar - well he said it nicer than that. But still, he said that the Clinton's needed to stop the 'untruths'.

Well, DUH!!!!

Like this was some big mystery or something. All the lies from long ago uncovered by Kenneth Starr (an elder of the church) it was a "personal attack", a 'vast right wing conspiracey' and all wrong. Maybe, because it's the democrats 'golden guy' who's throwing the stones now, maybe the world will finally believe it.

Sorry. Feel better now.

Little ramblin goin on

Was a little irritated when I got to church on Wednesday. Seems that the article on my book that was not supposed to be in the paper until I called after I got home was in the paper and now I'm all strapped for time. But at least I am keeping busy and not eating.

Oh, and by the way:

Wadda great day!!!

It's cold and raining!

South Texas and it's cold and raining!!! Woooo Hooo!

Think I'll go make some chicken and dumplings.

My Bed

When we were at Rob and Brandee's, we slept on an air mattress. It had a leak somewhere, because three times a night my back would get really cold because the air had gone out of it enough to put me close to the floor. So Robert would air it back up (how did we live without those self inflating things?) It was comfortable while it lasted - and it was awful fun to play with Kaia on it when it was low.

At Jarred and Jaci's we slept on an air mattress in the basement. It was really pretty cool, except when it got cold and the air in the mattress 'got smaller' and I fell off the side and there was no way to catch myself because those things collapse when they decide it's time. (I'm also on water pills that make me get up two or three times and cement is COLD - especially in Colorado.)

Now I'm home and my bed is this great seductive thing. All afternoon, it's beckoned me. As I unpacked it seemed to whisper; 'I forgive you for sleeping on anything else. Come back! Come back and I promise to *support you in all you do." I had no idea how much I love that bed.


You never miss what you got until it's gone, huh?




*Ha! 'Support you'! Get it????
I crack myself up.

It's a 'Girls'!!!

I heard myself talking to Jaci about Kaia the other day. I heard pride and adoration in my voice as Jaci smiled. I figured that she must get awful tired of me rambling about all the time about Ava, Kaia, Brandee and, sometimes, even a little about Rob.

. . . . and then . . .

I remembered when I was at Brandee's I talked about James and Julie. I remember thinking then that Brandee and Rob must think I had no life as I sputtered on about the amazing 'J to the 5th's I had back in the states.

The realization is stunning: There is now no differentiation between Brandee/Jaci up next to Rob/Jarred.

How in the world did these two chicks become as important to me as my sons?

The Huttons - J to the 5th

In Colorado. Jaci's house is awesome! You guys would love it! It's too warm and inviting. It's also cool to see Jarred actually able to hang around and be a member of the fam. Yes, Jaci has lost a lot of weight - the picture from her blog is accurate. And Jarred doesn't look tired anymore. They really have a great set up.

The first thing you notice about Jocelyn is her hair.

You look past the pretty dark complexion, the little button nose, the rumpled furrowed brow as she contemplates her next bowel movement, and the unreal perfect ears.

All that is secondary to her black mop of 'stand up static' hair. It's SO ADORABLE! It's so Don King.

Julie's talking 90 to nothing. James is so outgoing now - I think he might actually like me!

I have so missed these guys.

Adventures in England 4

Wadda day, wadda day, wadda day!!

We -
rode a train to London . . .
rode the underground ('mind the gap') . . .
walked Piccadilly Circus . . .
saw Big Ben . . .
heard Big Ben strike the hour (and quarter hour and half hour and the quarter till the hour). . .
saw the Thames river . . .
stood under the 'Eye of London' (a HUGE Ferris wheel) . . .
visited the aquarium . . .
saw Buckingham Palace . . .
saw the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace . . .

But the best (and put a question mark after that one) was when we went to get home and hit the underground at rush hour. People were crammed like something from a New York City sidewalk shot - the sardine thing. All of the sudden there was this fight between these two guys that broke out. One of them was calling the other guys something that I understood 1/2 of (unfortunately) and the other half I didn't (fortunately). Brandee stopped us in advance. She's a good one.

So Robert, Ava and I finally push into this car - Brandee, Rob and Kaia wouldn't fit. It's HOT with all the close bodies and people doing the breathing thing. We were supposed to get off on the Kings Crossing exit. So while we're riding, they announce that Kings Crossing is closed due to overflow of people!!!

Peachy. In London with a month old baby, no cell phones, no food, no diapers . . . . Where's the Zanex? Jackie was freaking out - BIG TIME.

Got off the train and sat back and prayed and sure enough, Rob and Brandee show up two trains later. Brandee looked like she was freaking out (we are so alike in some ways!). Robert and Rob were all cool. It's irritating.

When we got to the elevators to go back up to the street, they are jammed BIG TIME, so we take the stairs.

Here's the picture:
Robert in front with Ava strapped to his chest holding the front of Kaia's stroller, Rob next, holding Kaia's stroller over his head, then me with my knee and Brandee bringing up the rear. We went two flights and I thought, "This ain't so bad". It was then we hit the spiral staircase.

I kid you not - 120 to 140 steep steps, people pushing from the back, and zooming down the other side.

I heard Rob in front of me grunting, my knee was so incredulously offended it didn't bother to berate me - it just screamed, and Brandee kept saying, "I feel the cold air . . . we're getting there!"

Yes we made it. We sprinted to the train only to find that they were running late. There were more people crammed into that terminal than people fleeing from the aliens in 'War of the Worlds'.

We couldn't fit into the first train out. But we made the second - I got to sit with Ava, but Rob, Brandee and Robert had to stand a good 30 minutes. Once seated, a Chinese lady asked about Ava and made sure I knew that in her culture, babies were not allowed in the public until they were 4 months old. Mothers and new babies aren't even allowed to go out of the house the first month.

This was my trip to the town of London. And I have left a lot out.

This is why I live in the country.

Adventures in England 3

So I've finally got to see a castle! Leeds Castle outside Dover. Really cool, except that they kept going on about the chick who owned it until 2001 and really, who cares about the 1900's when you have the chance to walk around in 1260? So we kinda flew past that part.

English people talk funny. It's irritating. Especially the women, At first you think you'll love listening to their accents and then you just want them to shut up. They talk more than I do times 3.

And people here are rude. It's like we get this sneer the minute they see my Kansas City Chiefs jacket. Just another annoying American.

I miss Texas and Texans.

Adventures in England 2

Went to Stonehenge yesterday. I walked the whole thing listening to a historical tape. I really get into the history thing. I thought Rob and Brandee were gonna deck me.

It's huge. And I think I knew but had forgotten that it was a cemetery too.

But I think the thing that freaked me out most of all was the way Rob drove on the left side of the road. People going 90mph on the wrong side, doing this thing called 'round-a-bout'. I kept thinking of the time the drunk guy was going down north I-35 in the southbound lane.

LOVE these kids, but I miss my dogs and my horses.

Adventures in England - 1

It's a sunny day in England!!! First one!

It is so awesome to be here with these kids - all 4 of them! Watching Brandee and Rob brings back so much from Offutt and Arkansas. Kaia goes ninety to nothing and is way smart - scary smart. Ava is ADORABLE - cuddly and cooing.

Rob and Robert are out golfing and Brandee put on some water to boil for tea. Suddenly, she said, "Do you smell something burning?" and we look over and there's flames coming out of the burner. So I put a lid over the top of it, but it didn't go out - air coming from the other burners keeps feeding it. Cover the other burners, it's still going. HMMMMM? So I put a chunk of flour on it - it rears up and sparks and continues burning. Fine. So Brandee gets me some baking soda and it flares up again (like it's saying 'A Ha! I'll get you now, my chunky!') and it finally dies.

Smoke everywhere, Kaia asking for toast and no alarms or nothing to quiet up.

Lesson - fires in England are tenacious.

JOCELYN!!!!!

I don't think Jocelyn wanted to make the scene.

I mean, it's like poor Jaci was no where near labor. None of that labor lingo stuff (that Jaci knows much better than I do), and it's a week past her due date. It takes me SO back to her dad (Jarred). Six weeks late because he knew a good thing when he was in it. And like 21 years later the Navy says he's this unreal gifted guy.

So that just proves one thing : Jocelyn is a smart chick. And if she's this smart before she makes the scene . . .

Poor Jaci and Jarred.

Feelin a little Defeated

Why is the worst actions to take the easiest? Like every time?

My Friend

Have a lot going on with Christmas and England coming up - Jaci's about to kill me if I don't stop a second and update this.

Had my heart broken this season by a friend who's in a bad way. I listened to her and it felt as if I was this black hole sinking in on itself. Because I was powerless because I love so her so much.

But it was left at this; I have done far worse. It's all about accepting forgiveness.

I STINK at accepting forgiveness.

Happy Birthday, Jaci

I have to throw out into the void that I did NOT forget my daughter-in-law's birthday. (Called while she was at the dentist with Jarred and then had a snowball afternoon. It was rotten.)

But I wanted to give her something via this blog that would probably be one of the best gifts ever.

We were at the care group party here at the house on Tuesday and of course we got on the subject of Jaci/Jarred/Jah/Jules. And Alice Lester said - and everyone there agreed, that that was their idea of the ideal family. The kids were calm and well mannered, but still kids, Jaci was so soft spoken and gentle and Jarred was the true leader. Everyone misses them, everyone mentions them . . and Isabel won't stop looking for Julie and James.

Happy birthday Jaci. See? It's not all for nothing.

Granma Walton

When I was growing up, the one show I loved to watch was the Waltons. From 'The Homecoming' to whn John Boy got proposed to by Janet, I have been one of those people that watched it so much that I could say; "Oh! I know this one. It's the one about . . ."

I never could take much of granma Walton. She was this dour old chick, always frowning. Bossy. No nonsense grump.

Now I can see that I have grown into her! HA! All the things that irritated me about her are now alive and well in me! I go 90 miles an hour, so focused that I unintentionally talk hatefully. I come across like a sledge hammer and can't even see it.

. . . and then . . .

Then the reruns show me that she really was pretty stable. Her love was constant, no matter what, but she really stunk when she tried to show it. That's so me.

Kelly, my niece, once told Cheri, my sister, that 'Aunt Jackie sure is bossy, but I like her." And while I doubt she still says that, it did give me a reluctant smile - just like granma Walton.

It's Ava!!!!

Don't you love her little squeak?

Number 4!!!!

Ava Faye Hutton was born at am, weighing 8lbs and 6oz and 19 & 3/4 inches long! Rob's supposed to send me pictures tonight and if I can fugure out how to put them up, I will. He said she looks just like Kaia.

Couple of Questions

How do you give mercy when you simply can't abide being in the same room with the person who needs the mercy?

How do you show love when there is NO want to work at it?

How do you deal with the total disappointment in yourself at being unable to show Christianity?

Will I ever not feel so tired?

That thing . . waiting in the wings?
Still there.

Kaia!!!

Kaia is two years old!!!!

And the thing that really gets me less than happy is the fact that I've only got to see her like twice her whole life! When we look at her on line, she's this little blur. She goes mach 9. And she talks like Madison Tullus - (BTW - Congrats to Madison!!! My new sister!)

We're going to England the 2nd of January, and I'll get to hug on her - if she'll stop long enough for me to catch her. Kaia AND England. Sounding pretty cool.

What Goes There?

Time is speeding up again - and I thought it couldn't go any faster. Have too full a plate right now but I can't help but feel uneasy. Waiting.

Like there's something in the wings.

Darla, You Started a Good One . . .

In response to Darla . . .

OHMIWORD! How can people not be aware of what is happening to our children today??? It BLOWS me away that people think a kid should get a PHD for breathing.

It would be different if it was all they could do. We're talking about laziness that is encouraged by the parent. I have to disagree with Cryssy - it's not about encouraging imagination and striving for a child who works at it, (I'd pick up an office building behind the kid to encourage that) . . it's about telling a kid they can do absolutely anything they want and the world owes them not only a living but a GOOD living. What has happened to us????

Where will we be a generation from now.

A Letter to Mom

I wanted to call my mother today.

After all is said and done, after the silence of the last 9 months, after knowing that she never really thought much on me anyhow, after the roller coaster of my emotions (I thought) had finally leveled . . I just wanted talk to my mom.

Stupid things. Like:

"I finally did it, Mom. I am published."
"Julie likes me now, Mom, I think James loves me."
"It's way too hot here. I don't fell 'holiday' at all."
"Have I told you about Barbara? "
"How could you stand being away from my kids? I am miserable that I can't see Kaia."
"If you come over, I'll make you some tacos"


How come I can't grasp the fact that she'll never pick up the phone again? Where is all this coming from.

It's hard to see the screen.

A Royal time

I love to laugh so hard that you cry.

Went to the Royals tonight and Darla and Lee got to talking about something funny and I had to work hard to keep from spewing water all over them, I was laughing so hard. Darla is fun to watch when she gets tickled.

They sure are good company.

An eye opener

Do we really know people? Or do we only see the part of them that they choose to show us? I think the latter. Definitely.

I was talking with a lady (ie:'chick') about what's going on with her and I got so much more than I needed to know. Awful, terrible things about a person I thought I knew well. Now I realize I don't know him at all.

I sat there, listening, a long prayer beeping in my mind: "Father, help her! Father, help me to help them! How in the world did I end up with such a great man? "

It really makes you feel kind of stupid. That person didn't just wake up one day and decide to become a jerk. It was there all the time, right under my nose and I never saw a bit of it.

Wow.

Intimidation stinks.

I HATE people who come up to you, hand over a folder with the chance to buy cookie dough, or wrapping paper or pecan pies or WHATEVER. For their kids or their grand kids. For trips to Florida or Sea World or to England for a senior trip.

Lord help you if you don't buy stuff from them . . you have to go to church with these people, or work with them. Had someone come to my door (from church) to get in my door so her grand kid (not from church) could get me to buy something I had NO want to buy. It was intimidation, pure and simple. And people do it all the time.

I just gave her $10.00. Didn't buy a thing.

Doubt

What is it that makes us doubt ourselves?

When I was starting the publishing thing, I was so sure that what I wrote was a good work. I wanted an honest opinion so I asked Johnnie Rosenhaur to read it to tell me what I needed to have done to get it published. He really, really liked it and said all I needed were illustrations. I sat at the table reading the gallery when it came in and I was so happy with my phrasing and the whole thing.

Now, here I sit, scared to have anyone read it. I don't think it's any good anymore. In fact, I think it's poor. I was at Darla's and she was looking at the first chapter on line and all I could think was that I didn't want her to read it. It wasn't good enough for her to read.

I'm beginning to think I should never have ventured this far.

And now presenting . . .

Every time I spend any real time with my book, my stomach starts to hurt!

I have to decide on 3 markets to sell my book. I want to go out of the state of Texas (for at least one of the areas), but am overwhelmed with my options. Did some research and found out that Texas was #1 in the nation for horse ownership, California is #2, Oklahoma is #3 and Missouri is number four.

Here's the problem: Which of the three states should I focus my book on? And which markets inside these states should I consider???

I've narrowed it down to Texas and California, but where in Texas would I sell the most books? Dallas/Ft Worth? San Antonio? Houston? Abilene? And where in California? Fresno? Los Angeles?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I am tempted to go with Kansas City if for no other reason that it is because my book started in Knob Noster, just a skip down highway 50 from there.


My stomach really hurts.

Negativity

Have just about decided to stash all negative feelings and simply ignore them. (Read Amy's blog and got to feeling guilty, I guess.)

Because, honestly, who gets edified by that? Should I expect people to understand? Do I really want them that close? If they were that close, would I even need to say anything at all? Isn't it just a case of me wanting to vent and get pats on the back?

And shame on me for that.

Rocky

I am so SICK of getting punched in the stomach.

It seems like I have been insulted and taken advantage of too many times to count.

And satan is using people I love to kick and slap and insult me. And I can't say anything. My eyes sting with unshed tears. I am powerless.

I feel like the end of Ricky 1 where he's standing in the middle of the ring yelling for Adrianne. But it's me, in the middle of my life crying out to God . . . Please, please come rescue me.

It's aliiiiiive.

A whole new month. I've been so busy I haven't had time to write.

But to let you know, I'm alive and kicking. Been to Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York and Vermont.

Things I've found out about myself.

1. I can teach the Gospel.

2. I REALLY want to live north where there's trees and cold.

3. I am much more attached to my husband than I thought I was.

4. I am way too hard on myself.

5. I can change - - if I decide I want to.