K, guys . . .

I guess this is the pot calling the kettle black . . .

What's up with the 'no blogging' that's going on? It's amazing at how much I look forward to reading Amy's, Jaci's, Dana's, Jenn's, Darla's, Erin's and now Jarred's blog - and the air has gone silent. And I'm not looking for responses to mine . . .(but it would be cool if THAT happened?)

But really, it's not about me here . . .

Let us just disregard the ones I work to keep a faint hope on hearing from; Andy, Jamie, Kara, Ceal . . .

It's all probably because I will have extra time coming up. What? isn't everyone quitting their job?

and then again . . . it isn't this all about me.

But wouldn't it be cool if . . .

but it's not about . . .

what it's all about

Although the cold is nice (not that cold - 60 degrees today), i don't think i can handle the cold weather here in Colorado. My nose is bleeding from being so dried out. And my skin looks like rice paper!

. . . and then . . .

And then I look at Julee and James and Jocelyn and Jaci and (sometimes) Jarred - - the dry air stuff ain't that important. And although it's driving Robert nuts to be so confined, I love the lumpy feel of their skin -

well, not Jaci's.

Hey, and I don't miss work AT ALL!

Simmering

We live in a wrinkled world. Messy. Needing work, but put in a basket for a more convenient time.

There's so much to hide, isn't there? So many things that scream to be said, but are left dormant.

Because what if we really did speak what we know needs to be said? How would that affect relationships? Would we still be loved? Or would we get to the point where we didn't even care anymore?

Isn't the relationship destroyed by their actions or my inaction?

A wrinkled world that screams for a hot steam iron.

FREEDOM!!!

WHAT A HORRIBLE LAST DAY!!

God reminded me of why I quit today.

I get to go to Linda and Darla's Book Club Thing a ma roo and get into it! I get to scrapbook! I get to brush my horse! I get to clean the house! I get to get out and move! (losing weight helps with the pain from the sciatica.) I get to go see J to the 5th! I get to ignore the calls from Robert Fuselier! I get to take my time on 'poop patrol'!

Oh, life of boundless joy!

Post Office vs UPS

Do I write about the fireplace cozy fire? The countdown to Denver? The cold? The pictures Brandee sent? The countdown to Kai and Ava? The waiting for the MRI? The countdown to the 22nd?

Man, life is going warp 9! Think I'll share a little irritation from this morning.

I went to the post office today to send off Rob's Christmas present.
The chick behind the counter said, "Oh, you need to fill out a form."
And I said: "Oh, OK." and moved to one side.
She said:, "No. You need to go to the back counter."
and I said: "I don't take up that much room, huh? I'll just do this real quick."
and she said; "No. I have to wait on customers."
And I said: "I'll stay out of the way."
and she said: "No. What if they need to use the pen?"

And I said: Oh. I'll just use UPS."
and she said: 'You'll have to pay more."
and I said: "Sometimes, that just doesn't matter."

And they were so nice. I'll go there all the time.

Horton

There's a huge elephant in the room here at work.

It's sorta pathetically funny. No one will face the fact that I am not at PAC as of the 22nd.

So, here's ole tactful Jackie today. Robert, Karen and Ken are in my office going over stuff.

Karen: "Jackie, can you find this on the computer? I have no idea about how to go about it."

Jackie: "Well, someone needs to learn so you can fill my position."

(Insert the sound of crickets chirping here.)

Maybe they think I'm bluffing?

AvaLynn

Ava will be one tomorrow! ONE!!!

AvaLynn Faye Hutton - ain't that a great name?

I read Jaci's post and realized that all my grand kids are technically toddlers. And it's cool for Kaia, James and Jules

. . . but Ava and Jocey? And I've missed it all because of time and distance.

Waitaminute. That's an old person's remark.

I can't stand this growing up thing.

At last!

I quit today.

Sure I'll not leave them hanging, but will come in to do billing AFTER HOURS

But as of the 22nd - I'm out of PAC and away from Ken.

*

Why is it when you have money, you have no time and when you have time you have no money?

I am a work widow. My mouth is tied by guilt, my heart is thumping with sadness, and my mind keeps ticking about the injustice of it all.

As I enter each stage of life, I regret the lack of understanding I held for the previous stage. It was good then.

what have I learned?

Time is better than money.
Helplessness makes me angry.
If I would have known that I wouldn't be able to see squat at 45, I would have paid more attention to stuff around me.

Sometimes, you Just Gotta

So - - -

we're dead set to pay off credit cards AGAIN. With me working and not really needing the money, it seems the better part of honor, right?

. . . and then . ..

here I am, popping 'Proceed to Checkout' a few times at Amazon.Com because I won't have this card around after I buy the tickets to go get Ava/Kaia.

Why? Why? Why?

Because sometimes, after you hold back the spending thing for a while, you just HAVE to spend money. I don't know why, I just know it's true.


Robert's gonna kill me

Rain? Maybe?

What does a person have to do to get a little rain in this joint?

Jim and James Cooper prayed at church - I don't know if there's anything stronger than that.

Nothin.

When the horses walk across the pasture - uh, arena, it looks like they've been running. The dust if so fine, it's like a mist. Tesster coughs and it will not be brushed out of their coats.

God used to hold back rain when He was angry. I'm thinking we must have done something really bad.

WOOT!!

KAIA AND AVA ARE COMING!!!!

I am SO excited! I get to keep Kaia and Ava for a couple of weeks (more if I can hustle Brandee) in January!

You guys!!! Is this too exciting or what??

Talk about the best Christmas present ever!

Brandee, you the bomb!

Sobered on a Tuesday

Do you have someone you'd love to go back and be able to say "thank you" to?

Believe it or not, I was watching Good Morning America this morning - (I went to the bathroom after the weather or it would have been switched back to Fox) and they had a lady on there talking about a man who was kind to her in her first year of college.

She was one of those undesirables - overweight, glasses, shy, pimples. She'd been teased unmercifully for her whole school life and only went to college after she'd dropped out of school because it was so bad.

You all know the kind of person I'm talking about.

So she spoke on how this guy was kind to her. He was popular and hot and so girls hung with her because she was his friend. Guys talked to her because he was an 'in' group. He wouldn't let anyone talk trash about her - told them to 'Back off, she's a good friend of mine." He stood by her the whole time he was in college.

She ended up leading a normal life after all just because he spoke to her and drew her in to a better world. She saw a sweeter life because he showed it to her. He allowed her to put a foot in the door of a place she'd never been before - normalcy.

And he wasn't in it for anything but the fact that he saw the way she was treated and not only knew it was wrong but refused to allow it to happen around him. (They reunited after like 30 years on the show and of course I bawled.)

Youth is so given to the wrong people.

What would I give to go back and be the person who stood against that? I saw it happen to others, but while I don't remember actively engaging in the brutality, I didn't stop it either. And it's not because of a "what a wonderful person that Jackie is!" complex. I'ts about not standing in shame before my God.

So I learn and move on. Because that all I can do now.

Amy's got my Back

I crack myself up.

There is this sort of embarrassed pride that I have the (sometimes horrible) habit of speaking my mind. People misunderstand, I use no tact, that's not what they need to hear . . .etc . . .

Like I said, it can be horrible. I get in trouble all the time.

Then I heard myself sluffing something off on Amy. I have to do something really hard and was talking to her. She offered because , hey, what else is she gonna do? and I jumped on it like stink on Brymers breath.

I guess it's good to know that even Jackie has limits. Does this mean there's hope?

It's a Cozy thing

I'm all hyped about the weather change. Man, I LOVE this time of year. Got the fire going, cleaning out under the couch. Doing laundry. Listening to Jade and Nellie snore. And dodging Brymers tongue.

I needed it after 'j to the 5th' left.

There's some stuff coming down the pike I dread. Like with a Capital 'D'. So i think I'll just enjoy the calm while it lasts.

Zicam

I have been fighting off the flu since friday night when Robert pulled into the drive and stated; "I'm getting sick." headache from 'not heaven', running nose, and sore throat . . . .

Oh joy. J to the 5th is coming . .. I finally get a chance to get out and away with my trailer and horses and he is working on getting sick. Peachy.

So we run to the Walmart in Seguin and pick up the Zicam stuff you spray in your mouth (not your nose - how gross is it to have THAT on your counter next to the toothbrushes?) And just because he's all head achy and snorting beside me, I use it.

Never got sick all weekend! How cool was that?

So I come to work today, leaving the zicam at home because "I have beat it but good" and round about 1 o'clock, I get this horrific headache and now my nose is running. The zicam is sitting all alone in my bathroom.

Wadda bummer!

WADDA LOOOSER!

Brymer has been all droopy and stokes at the drop of a hat. I noticed that he had no energy and his hair looked all dull. His breath is four shakes past HORRIBLE! Honestly, like decomposition in August. I was, I feared in the last days of Brymers life.

About three days ago, I saw him doing his best to gum a piece of crust!

The guy can't use his teeth!!!

I am been starving my dog! As soon as I put food to soak up water, it was carnage!

He's so much more perky now.

Age

Found out what's up with my leg - About eight weeks of no riding and physical therapy. Bad buzz. Along with the arthritis, insomnia, more frequent trips to 'void' at night, forgetting little things, unable to run . ..

This age thing . . . man, how come so many people do it? I start laughing about all of it and people think I'm nuts. But what else can you do? When you dwell on it, you get all bummed. But I miss so many things. And I'm not even 50 yet.

I'm so glad longevity does not run in my family.

At my funeral . . .

Remember me with smiles and laughter
For that's how I'll remember you all.
If you can only remember me with tears
Don't remember me at all.

Don't you just love shows that make you cry because they're all sappy?

Case in point: I was watching 'Remember Me' from the Little House on the Prairie show.

Ohmiword!!!! It's about this lady who has three kids and she finds out she's going to die. So she goes before her congregation and tell people that she needs to find a home for them. Then, on her deathbed, she makes Charles vow to take care of it. She has the reverend read that poem (above) at her funeral.

So these people come who just want the boys because they can work the farm, and an old lady comes and just wants the little girl so she can have an heir. No one will take all three. So he's got to split them up.

There I was, ready to go to work, and I was bawling!

Oooooo

I was looking at the clock, thinking that I wanted to just go home. But hours are hours. Looks like I'm going to need'em as I stare at the word 'Obamanation' I have scrawled across my calender. And thinking that our days are now numbered here at work.
Which made me think that I get to now do what I want.
which means clean horses,
which means clean stalls

which means clean trailor,
which means load up trailor,
which means horse show which means Tornado.

This is tornado jumping.

Amazing how the mind works.

Sorry Kim, I couldn't Resist

I learned a cool word today while watching 'Becoming Jane."

"Impecunious" Having little or no money. It's fun to say. But I was wondering . . .

Is the Road to becoming imperurious voting for Obama?

Oh Man . . .

If 'o' wins (disrespect intended), this country will be spilt in two.

If McCain wins, this country will be spit in two.

The chances of assination of either are astounding and sobering. But the #2 'guy' on either side will split us too. (While I LOVE Sarah Palin, a lot of people don't - and I haven't met ANYONE who likes Biden.)

The more I learn, the less I agree with 'o' in any way shape or form.

. . . and then . . .

Then I realize that if God could work through and past Hitler, Mussolini, Ivan the Terrible, Henry the 8th . . .

I just wish I wouldn't have to give up so much of my paycheck for deadbeats.

Answer

After a rotten day (and even 'rottenier' evening), I have decided that the only way to come to terms with people you trust talking behind your back is to stop trusting those people.

While that is hard in relation to those in the Church, still, you learn your lessons and move on. They have my love and support, but not my trust. I am learning to guard what I say in jest or concern.

The thing is to learn it.

No title

Do people not care that we live in a small town and what they say will get back to me? Maybe they want me to hear about it from others so they don't have to confront me?

or do they not care?

I'll bet that's it.

SOS

I am so confused.

Obama.

Is he an American citizen? Is he pro black supremacy? Is he working to appoint way left wing judges on the supreme court?

Is he a socialist because he wants to 'spread the wealth'? He can't be, because the American people would NOT allow anyone with those real intentions in office . . right?

He says he is pro choice, but he has kids. He doesn't mean really killing babies . . he can't look at them and think that, right?

He says he's for all kinds of help to us under $250,000.00, but how is he going to pay for it? Will my boss (Robert F) have to pay way more just so my niece can sit at home with my sisters cell phone? That can't be right - right?

He's for health care for everyone. But if you don't work, you still get to have health care? How do we pay for that? Wouldn't that punish us guys who work? Especially Robert F?

Kim wouldn't back this stuff. Neither would Iris. Or Joe. Or Francis and Taylor.

What in the world am I missing?

Cross-stitch

Elect in haste

Repent at leisure.

If that ain't a sayin, it will be.

Pity Party

With all the great stuff gong on . . why do I feel like I am defeated?

No one would talk in class tonight, Robert didn't come home again and is leaving early tomorrow, Jaci and Jarred are not going to stay long at all in November, banks kept running checks fro PAC more than once and I had to call each one, Obama is ahead in the polls, the media is HORRIBLE, my sister is a dog tick, my cat is dead, I hurt too much to get on the horse . . . I want so much to just go cry. But that would require effort.

Don't you hate it when you're in a corner, feeling abandoned? No matter how my head tells me I'm never alone, sometimes you need to feel it.

Am I Obsessive Compulsive?

When I'm upset, I either go into a 'sit in the chair and stare with unfocused eyes into the void' or I start cleaning.

Last night it was cleaning. Watching the news, listening to all the stuff being slung on both sides, I got up and took stuff out of the washer, put stuff in the dryer, put stuff out to air dry, started another load, cleaned out the refrigerator and cleaned the kitchen. I didn't start until 8pm, which is usually my bed time.

Poor Robert. He kept talking to me and I answered on the fly. I thought I'd feel better after I voted. No.

I am 'hurt in my stomach' sick. That sinking feeling when you know you're in trouble.

Jarred, I don't agree with you. Four years CAN destroy this country.

Harlie

KIM, I NEED YOUR E MAIL ADDRESS!!!! You KNOW I have to respond!


I think my cat, Harlie, is dead.

I was saddling yesterday morning and she came up meowing like she was dying, but she always does that when I'm late with breakfast. So I told her to hang on . . I'd grab her special kitty as soon as i got Tesster going.

Then I called and called and called and she didn't come about 6 minutes later. I tried again this morning. She never misses a meal and she hasn't come to the door for 2 days. I haven't seen her since I told her to not have a cow, I'd feed her.

Robert told me she looked like she was sick last night . . .. said her hind end looked bad. Told me too late to do anything.

I feel rotten. She's an old cat, so it's not unexpected, but still, I am so afraid she is in pain somewhere, or died in pain. This sort of stuff haunts me.

Gag. I miss her.

Hang With Me Here - - -

So, let's get this straight: 'O' tells the plumber that he doesn't want to punish the plumier for succeeding, but rather to "spread the wealth around to those who were under him and helped him get to where he is" ! That's sounds like redistributing the wealth to me.

Isn't that socialism?

If 'O' gets elected, wouldn't it be the smart thing to quit my job, have Robert flipping burgers at Dairy queen and sit back waiting to have 'O''s wealth (And Bill Gates, and Barney Franks, and Ted Kennedy's . . . the list of millionaires/billionaires that live in the US is huge) re-distributed to me? And I'd better keep my house. And my cars, and every single thing I have now because as a human, I am entitled to all of them.

Doesn't that discourage success?

And to respond to Dana, no, I do not have the option to leave the country. That takes money. And I'm going to have much less of it after November 4th. The billionaires, however don't have that problem. What happens to 'O''s ideas then? Lot less wealth to "re-distribute."

So I Step in . . .

There's so many funny things out there about the election . . but I am finding it too hard to laugh.

Do I really have to pay for stuff that goes against my moral stance? Like abortion? And paying dead beats to remain deadbeats? Redistributing wealth? This is so wrong. If obama gets in (and it looks like he probably will), we will be rolling downhill towards socialism. HOW can we, as Americans, allow that? Are we too lazy to stop a liberal wacko from getting in the white house? Do people not look in to what this man stands for? What he's done?

And a side note, the only thing I really like about McCain is Palin.

If I only had the option to leave the country.

Life is Pain, Princess.

Pain makes me grumpy.

I was getting on the Tesster 3 weeks ago. I was up on the second step (Lazy, I know. If I had mounted correctly, I wouldn't be in this situation).

Any . .. I put my left foot in the stirrup to swing my right leg over and she jumped to her right. I couldn't take my foot out. I heard and felt this loud 'POP!" And thought I was going to die.

That was three weeks ago. I've been in pain all this time. Sitting in front of the computer all day makes it worse. Time has begun to be measured in the time it takes pain medication to wear off before I can take more. Even watching tv is horrible

So last night I go to class, as hateful and sour as I've ever been. I prayed the whole time going "Please don't let my attitude ruin the class. Please!"

Donna said it was the best class I've had. ha!

She'll never know how much it cost me.

Pretty petty

The chick who used to work here had 'bubble' handwriting. You know, that plump, exact lettering that makes me think of junior high school. And all the joy that came with that. It's the kind of lettering that you put hearts over your small 'i''s and small 'j''s and looks like balloons.

Every time I see it, one side of my upper lip goes up with my eyebrows. It's irritating.

Heavy Sigh

Wadda weekend!

I had a barn put up, hay hauled in, services to go to, elders to feed, a wedding shower to stop by,a horse to wash, back to services and then to a bad movie. All this while I turned 47.

47 years. A feelin every one of them.

Doom Two

She's awesome, she's fresh, she's the real deal, but I don't think she is enough to get me back.

He said he'd veto earmarks . . was adamant about it. And he signed that horrible 'save the greedy saps' thing.

I'm an independent now.

If I had my way I'd move to Canada. At least there you aren't suckered into believing in someone then slammed to the concrete when they lie.

And I have the right NOT to vote. Stinks when that seems to be the most patriotic thing you can do.

Doom

I flat out don't understand.

The mediator for the Vice Presidential debate has written a book that is Pro obama? And she's in charge of the questions?

The second main money earner for the freddie mac thing was/is obama? While it's a matter of record, he says NOTHING and is allowed to say NOTHING?

Obama says 'present' when he's in the senate (as apposed to 'yea' or 'nay'.) And the media is SILENT on this embarrasing record - which can be verified.

Obama wants to raise taxes on the people who hire/pay the people? Effectively punishing corporations for succeeding?

Stands for abortion on demand at the taxpayers expense?

Hidden beneath the robes of the ghost of Christmas present are two pathetic, scrawny, diseased children. They are named 'Ignorance' and 'Want'. And across their brow is printed the word 'Doom'.

Sorry, Jarred. I know you hate the word, know you think we'll be in trouble, but not 'doomed'.

Armageddon. Catastrophic. The end of the United States.

Doom.

The End of the Matter is This . . .

Wow and has God got a hold on all of it or what?

It's an awesome thing when you get to a place where you do something because you get to and not because you have to?

Mindless Wandering

It's when you know that you have scripture behind you and you get attacked by those who are supposed to support you. Because they want to keep an 'open mind'. And you feel like you've let God down if you listen to them. but you DO listen to them because isn't a christian supposed to be meek?

Or you get attacked and they don't say a word. Because they think you're doing 'just fine on your own'. Acting as unChristian as it gets and they leave you.

It's endless talk that goes around and around where you forget what started it all and just want peace. (you want to scream 'SHUT UP!" - it's got to be a kind of effective torture.)

It's loving someone and they use that love to work you into doing what they want.

It's manipulation. And I hate it.

My Mumbling Matra

"Mouth Control." Bless, do not curse.

"Put yourself in the other persons shoes."

What will happen to the other person if i don't forgive?

I must be really doing something right, because I am having a HARD time at work.

I Misspeak - - Again

Amy LaMore is so funny. Her indignation at my last blog absolutely made my day, my week, maybe my whole year. So let me rephrase:


Jennifer Maxwell knows me AS WELL AS anyone.

A Revelation

I'm teaching a class on Wednesday nights called "Bad Girls of the Bible." I am petrified. It's all the older ladies who know way way more than me and I am in front talking to them? It's unnerving. Although I try not to show it, this is HARD for me.

When i was reading Jaci's blog about her new puppy, she posted a picture of Julie with Jo Jo next to her. I whined like a baby: "I WANT that picture!"

Hang on - this all makes sense.

So there I am, shaking and nervous last Wednesday and right before class, Jennifer Maxwell hands me a folded piece of paper. It was Julie and Jo Jo.

Jennifer Maxwell knows me. I think maybe better than anyone.

Ike

As stupid as it sounds, I was so hoping Ike would swing this way. I LOVE a storm and the whole God-Power thing. I'm insured and so what if the house goes? It would actually be fun to redo things a bit.

I've heard, however, that it is death to be in the path of Ike. So I have the luxury of watching without the danger that Galveston and Houston have.

Wish it would get cold.

Fraility, thy name is 'Ken'

Our Bible study on Tuesdays is 'How to Love Someone you can't Stand." How ironically fitting.

Here at work. All caught up and trying to control the attitude.

I SO want to not make God angry. I do want to be what He asks.

It's a sobering thing to be conscience of your weakness. There is no doubt In my mind that only God can fix me. This time.

Every time.

A Day in the Life

Listening to Jaci and Jarred upstairs playing, James and Julee laughing and Jocelyn hitting the dangling bee I got her from Target and I just have to smile. Julee just called: "PaPa!! Com'ere!" to help her save Jaci. Jade just ran down the stairs, sliding on the wood. She's probably coming down here to toot again. She's gifted.


Jaci just hollered for James and Julee to help her. Too funny.

Virginia

Of course Brandee had to download these because I am the least computer literate person in the world. But you guys get an idea of these two cute kids Im hanging out with.

Have to tell you a cute story. I was in the hall and I thought I was alone, so I had a little gas. Okay, it was sorta loud, but after that plane ride I didn't care. Kaia comes tearing around the corner and says: "Daddy!"

His father would be so proud.

the South Will Rise Again.

Went to lunch today for BBQ. Being from Texas, I smirk when people say they know a good BBQ place. While the food was good, it was NOT BBQ.

The Church here is so like home, except the song leader was un . . . . .

. .. . . re . . . . .

. . . . . lee . . . . .

. .. . . . drag . . . .

. . . . ging . . . .

I've never been so glad to see the back end of "Stand Up for Jesus"


Virginia is a Yankee state, I don't care what the mason dixon line says.

These people are weird. And rude. And it's unreal that they won the war.

Airport Observations

I stand there, waiting for the call to wait in line so I can wait to check in, wait to find my seat, wait to take off, wait to land . . .

anyhow,

There I was, listening to my music watching people in the airport. I saw dozens of chubby couples, the wife almost always in front of the 'Dun-Lap' guy behind her. She looks perpetually irritated, he looks anxious that he is the cause for that irritation. And the only thing that I can't keep out of my mind is the fact that once those two giggled and whispered and 'did laundry' all the time. She ached for his call and died a little death when he kissed her. He hurried home to be able to touch her hand, smell the scent of 'her'.

But somewhere along the line they became disillusioned with that, or with each other, or maybe with life.

So what were people thinking as they watched me?

I think I need to remember that.

Attitude

My attitude is really beginning to worry me.

I know I've said this before, but, MAN! I am getting worse and worse as I grow older when it comes to speaking my mind. I listen to myself and can actually see me outside of me, lunging in slow motion, my arm out stretched hollering "NNNNNOOOOOO!" as I try to stop the words exit my mouth.

Is it because I love less? Because while I care what people think, I don't care nearly like I used to. Not at the expense of shutting up.

. . . and then . . .

... maybe that I love too much to shut up.

Nah, not that.

The Lottery

Because I'm fixin to go to Norfolk and then to Denver, I've been trying to wrap things up so Robert Fuselier doesn't have kittens or have all his hair fall out while I'm gone. Worry to that degree is SUCH a tiring waste of time. Every day I ask myself WHY I work there. It's to keep Robert Fuselier sane, I think. I am the only one he chills down around. So I bought him a Message Bible.

I'm entering into the show world again. Emily Mann will be showing my mini Tornado and Sara Stewart will be in charge of Hercules. What kind of idiot am i, huh? But those girls are NUTS about horses and showing. And I have a lot of horses.

It all comes down to using what God gives you to further God and not you.

It's a lottery. You don't ask God to bless you with that 45 million so you can show Him what you will do for Him. You take that 45 dollars and show Him what you will do for Him

So I guess I've won the lottery.

MP-3

Wow and how horrible has the last few weeks been? And just when I think I can't be hurt anymore . . .

God kicked me in my complacency. It's nice to actually grin while I type that. So I'm up late - it's 10:45pm!- buying music off Yahoo music so I can shut the door and work in oblivion tomorrow. I hear this stuff and it makes me relax.

and then . . .

My jaw hurts from bracing against the inevitable.

Thing that Makes Me Stop and Go "Hmmmm. . . "

And interesting observation:

I had a eye blurring, fighting-throwing-up, pulsating headache all day yesterday. I dreaded class with Emily Mann and Sarah Stewart because I was afraid of getting sick all over the place or falling off the horses because my equilibrium is effected by these headaches.

But I rode and I taught and my head felt better and better and better until it was gone.

Really gone. For the first time in literally 3 weeks. Gone.

Maybe it was the smell of Chief's sweat. Or the way Tesster obeyed. Or the laughter of those little girls.

Gone. Honest. Gone.

Blame it on Robert

Robert won't let me ride to work this week. It's hard on the horse and hard on me.

Personally, I think it's harder when I don't get any alone time with my horse, God and myself. Makes me sour.

And after yesterday, I think Robert's going to regret this decision.

. . .and the hits . . .

While I love Amy more than my luggage, I so wish she wouldn't worry. I have no idea how to stop taking on so much. So it's a bummer to know that I'm worrying her.

That being said . . .

There comes a point where all you can do is tie a knot and not let go.

Even if you don't want to.

I feel like I'm too old to have choices.

My God and I

There I was, sitting in the pew, singing 'Faithful Love' and crying because Christ is truly the ONLY one who will not let me down. It was so cool to have a and having such a heart so full of gratitude that it spilled out all over my face . . .


. . . and then . ..

. . . and then Mike and Jenn went forward to place membership and Mike ended up getting baptised by Robert.

Proof positive that God loves to give out gifts when we least expect them and in quantities that are unreal in their proportions.

An Explanation

Wes's tests came back bad. I want to go to Arkansas just to give one hug, then come back.

My Dralena's tests came back bad. I have this great need to just put my hand on her - just to feel that she is near.

My brother, Mike had a heart attack. He's 51.

I will not be negative around people. I will not. I will not.

Wes is optimistic. Dralena is quiet and Mike is all right now.

I will smile around people. I will.

No wonder my head won't stop hurting.

. . . and then . . .

This is an unreal 2 weeks.

. . . and then . . .

. . . then you think of how it could get. And then you shudder.

I Thought it was Just Brymer & Nellie

Was staring across the desk at Darla Royal today and I thought; "She's one of those too."

"Those" being people who accept/love/put up with me no matter what.

Darla with her quiet strength. And her listening ear. And her loyalty. And her emphatic tear filled eyes

Jennifer Maxwell. she would drop everything, even Mike if I needed her. Awesome.

Dana Lamore - her love makes me fearless. I rest in the security of Dana.

Kara who needs me almost as much as she loves me. She loves me enough to let me overprotect her.

Jaci who is a friend first and foremost, then family. She is so patient. She is a smile.

And, believe it or not, the list goes on. Susie, Robert Fuselier, Corinna, Donna, Betty, Jamie, Mike, James, Rachel, Karen, Dralena, Alice, Misty, Brad . . . the world is full of unreal people. God gave them to me.

This is not a blog to cover bases. It's an reference of my worth. These people are amazing. And I am special to them.

So I must be doing something right.

My Sweet Paula

Went forward today at Church. Too much hitting me too fast. I needed power and needed it yesterday.



. . . Cheri, Kelly, Amy, Andy, Karen, Robert, Paula, Rob. . .



And it was like there was something else. Something big. And then I opened Wes's e-mail.



If you are blessed in life, you have one of those "no matter what, no matter how long it's been since you spoke, no matter what you do" friends. They stand by you. These people are really odd. They love and accept me no matter what. I don't irritate them. They actually seemed pleased to see me. Just having one is an unreal blessing.

I have four. Robert Hutton, Sarah Morlock, Amy Lamore and Paula Tarte.

Paula lives in Arkansas. She and her husband Wes would play cards with Robert and I into the wee hours. She knows things about me that NO one knows. She listens. She laughs. And I adore her. I always have. And will.

She's getting sucker punched as we speak. Unfair and surprisingly violent, the hits just keep on coming to her.

Can she feel the love I have for her across the miles? Like I felt that something was up on July 6th?

Pray. Please.

Sometimes

Sometimes you have to sit back and allow God to love someone enough to do what He needs without hindering Him so they will come back.

Sometimes you have to listen to a love so large you can't comprehend.

Sometimes you have to let go of all the wisdom of this ball of mud and allow that there is Someone who knows more than you and better than you and stronger than you ever imagined. And He wants her back - is desperate to have her back.

I have to tell Kelly that.

JustJackieRamblin

It is so cool to finally be able to not be exhausted totally at the end of the day. I used to get up, ride to work, work, ride home (in 103 degrees) and just sit there in this confused daze as I carefully didn't lean my sweaty back into the cushions of my sofa.

Now I do all that with an extra jump. I'm not tired at 10 o'clock. (Yes, you read that last correctly. I don't go to bed until 11 now. ) I am painting and moving furniture and actually spending time with the horses. Too cool.

Sure I'm having insomnia, sure my blood pressure is too high, and sure, I'm way too fat,

But other than that, I'm goood.

Oh, and I miss Jarred/Jaci and the kids.

And I don't know what I would do to see Kaia, Rob and Brandee. And I don't think I'd know Ava if she was handed to me in the street.

But other than that . . .

Oh! A quick not to those I haven't really talked to in awhile:
I sure do love Darla.
And Dana.
And Paula - I so miss Paula.
And *Donna.
And *Donna.

But really, it's cool. Finally.



*Those are two different people."\

To Jaci

If you hadn't turned that left a long time ago and met Jarred . . ..

I wouldn't know James. I wouldn't know Julee. I wouldn't know Jocelyn. I would know Ceal, and Joe and Gen. I wouldn't know Jade. I wouldn't laugh with you. I wouldn't get to ride horses with you. Or make broccoli. Or try your chicken bread, or giggle at the guys behind their backs, or sit next to you in services, or almost bust with pride at the job you do as a wife and mother. And daughter. Or watch your face at Bible study. Or a zillion other things that has happened because you decided to give my kid a second glance.

You can second guess the rights and wrongs of every decision and go nuts with 'What if's . .. "

But the simple fact is - I have you. And the my world is a better place because of that.

And it ain't even a Monday

Wadda day. And a rotten one it was, I'm here to tell you.

Had a doctors appointment. Found out some not so great stuff and went back to work and ended up having to have John drive me home because I couldn't drive. Spent the rest of the day laying low. Missed church. Didn't get to see my horses like at all, Robert was so worried I thought he was going to cry. I didn't finish payroll, I didn't enter anything new in the computer, I didn't check billing, I didn't get to see Amy or Darla, or Jennifer or Mike or Kara, or Mildred or Alice - - crud, this list could REALLY go on and on.

Wadda rotten day.

HA!

I was riding to work yesterday and the mama dog and three of her puppies came out at me !!!

She's gained weight and the puppies are way too cute. It was kinda hard to make sure it was her, but them I could tell. Her little thingies were all shriveled just like . . uh. waitaminute.

Maybe we shouldn't go there.

My Saturday

So here I am at work on Sunday because this is the only time Robert could get in to check the server for Robert (Fuselier). I come in and there's notes from people telling me that I blew it again with the billing. I looked over everything and I didn't. So I have to pray for tact when they come in so it doesn't ruin my day.

Cheri came in and cleaned my house yesterday. It is CLEAN and it smells SO good, I think I'm a happy happy camper. I could get all kinds of stuff done yesterday because I didn't have to play catch up on all the housework on my Saturday. I even re-seeded the back two pastures AND cleaned out the tack room! It was great! That chick is hired!

It rained last evening! Real rain. thunder and lightning and decent showers for about 20-30 minutes! The ground smelled all sour. But the seeds will take, I hope.

I think that's why God held off on the rain. I've been needing to put that grass out for 6 months. But since I didn't God must have held off on the rain until I did.

So the drought is my fault.