Fool Me Once . . .

Sitting here waiting for our new kid to come over. We're having an exchange student stay until May. And why in the world didn't I say no? I am and will forever be a pushover.

Last night we had people over and got to talking about how I let people take advantage of me. The person who 'warned'me that was all angry because he was afraid I would regret the stuff I do to help out people who've taken advantage of him.

But you know, so what? So what if they do? So what if I get rooked?

In the scheme of things, does it really matter?

Isn't watching out for me Gods job?

My time

I am so much better with my time when Robert's gone and I have a job. I just am more productive. While I do miss the reading time, still, it's better than waking up and saying 'What in the world am I going to do today?'

I used to be excited for Mondays because they were laundry day and then Tuesday's because they were bathroom days. Pretty sad when a toilet bowl gives you a sense of importance, huh?

And I can't get my spell check to work on this dashboard. Now I don't have the time to even try to figure it out.

A Whole New World

I guess I've gone back to work. Robert is like NEVER home. And the horses are too hard to get on by myself. And I can only watch the Waltons for so long before I just don't care about John Boy or Mary Ellen any more. And I'm not good at cleaning. And I put all my movies into albums so they're not in my face to watch anymore.

Besides . . .

God really needs me in this place and I guess that takes care of all arguments against it.

It's nice to feel needed . And wanted.

While I was Goin Through Jaci's Pictures . . .

A while ago Jaci told me that there were pictures on her blog of her when she was little and then growing up. And I meant to look at them, but never got around to it. Until today.

I thought it was Cynthia. The pictures of Jaci as a little girl and the little girl I tried so hard to adopt were so close, they could be sisters. It brought back a lot of stuff I thought I'd 'gotten over'.

The question is this: Did I love Cynthia because she looked like Jaci? Or do I love Jaci now because she looks like Cynthia?

I guess the answer is 'Yeah.'.

Brandee

Isn't she pretty?

When I was in England, I got to talk to Brandeelots more than usual. Got to watch her and Rob and her and Kaia and her and Ava. The instant messaging thing just don't cut it.

I miss her and Rob.

Thanks, Jacki

I was reading Jaci's blog yeaterday and remembered everything she said.

I know that feeling of 'screaming bored' at just staying at the house with kids that are unable to carry on a conversation. The desperate clinging to Robert when he came home because I was ready to kill to talk to someone who would talk back. Before I got into the Church, I was so lonley.

So, I began my new book because those feelings are part of that. Because Jaci reminded me of those times. And because I just might be able to publish something that makes people go; "YEAH! I know what you're saying! Preach it!"

Lola Faye Showers

Lola Faye is gone.

Wow. She was the first person who helped us when we moved here in 1996. She had an article in the christian woman magazine at the same time i had my short story 'The Madaris Clinic'. She used to blast me with her little quips - whether I needed it or not. When we went to sing for here last Saturday, I can see here there, tiny, so fragile and smiling. And when she wore purple, it lit up her face like a rainbow. She glowed.

The thing I can't seem to shake is when she came up to Robert, the leukemia advanced, the pain unreal and said that ". . . something had to be done." When he asked what he could do for her, she said, serious as a judge: "The smell of the crickets in the kitchen! Robert, as an elder, you must do something."

Age fever

We were at Andy and Amy's unloading things for the yard sell tomorrow (insert heavy sigh here) and I was listening to Andy try to get through life with the mountain cedar ripping his body to shreds. His throat was all clogged and his face was all 'sickey' and he just wasn't moving with his usual spring.

. . . and then . . .

Then I laughed because I have absolutley no 'spring' anymore - in fact, I'm like a drought ridden August day. I live in a perpetual 'sickey' face because of age and horses and age. And my throat was awffly clogged too - from all the dust on my stuff!

At least Andy gets to feel better when the cedar blows away.



*sigh*

Lost 10 years I Can't Afford

So here I was, watching the Waltons, when I hear a door slam outside. It's the carpet guys, coming to clean the area rug I've decided to pull out of the garage and use to cover up the stains on the living room carpet until I get the money to replace the stained carpet with lamiate flooring.

So I have them go get it for me - forgot to ask Robert last night, and they start to clean it when Brymer and Nellie begin to 'protect' me with startling volume. So I put them out and we la de da de da on our way. Unbeknownest to me - - -the gate is open.

The dogs were gone. Totally. I was yelling like some banshee woman and the wind was blowing these leaves all over that are about the size of Brymer, so I kept getting relieved and then dissapointed. In short, I began to freak. Really freak. I used my 'I mean it, Brymer Hitchcock Hutton, You Are In Danger of Getting Drop Kicked' voice. Nothing.

So I jumped on my bike, still screaming for them and these people way up the road tell me that they saw them. They were in that new housing complex, peeing and sniffing and marking and so cheerful I could have died. They follwed me home, too happy for colored Kibble.

It was the longest 20 minutes of my life. It's been two hours ago, and my stomach still hurts.

Man

I had no idea. I am a well intentioned blind idiot, stumbling around this world.

Lesson learned: Robert loves Jackie = Proof of Gods love.

To my Friend

If I only would have known,

I would have searched you out every single minute . . .

I would have called you to tell you I was thinking of you . ..

I would have cried with you . ..

I would have been praying.

All this time you didn't want to bother, or let anyone into your business, or think anyone cared, I wanted to help. I would have been there for you.

I am sick to think you didn't realize that.

Jocelyn

OMIWORD!!!!

Is she way WAY too cure or what???

While I miss her 'Don King', I have to admit, she is way too adorable for words!!!!

Won't it be cool when her and Ava and Julie and Kaia all get together????

I get to do the tea party thing!

I Don't Even Know if I Spelled His Name Right!

I told myself I wasn't going to to do this, but I can't seem to be able to help it.

Barak O Bama, according to the news today, called Bill Clinton a liar - well he said it nicer than that. But still, he said that the Clinton's needed to stop the 'untruths'.

Well, DUH!!!!

Like this was some big mystery or something. All the lies from long ago uncovered by Kenneth Starr (an elder of the church) it was a "personal attack", a 'vast right wing conspiracey' and all wrong. Maybe, because it's the democrats 'golden guy' who's throwing the stones now, maybe the world will finally believe it.

Sorry. Feel better now.

Little ramblin goin on

Was a little irritated when I got to church on Wednesday. Seems that the article on my book that was not supposed to be in the paper until I called after I got home was in the paper and now I'm all strapped for time. But at least I am keeping busy and not eating.

Oh, and by the way:

Wadda great day!!!

It's cold and raining!

South Texas and it's cold and raining!!! Woooo Hooo!

Think I'll go make some chicken and dumplings.

My Bed

When we were at Rob and Brandee's, we slept on an air mattress. It had a leak somewhere, because three times a night my back would get really cold because the air had gone out of it enough to put me close to the floor. So Robert would air it back up (how did we live without those self inflating things?) It was comfortable while it lasted - and it was awful fun to play with Kaia on it when it was low.

At Jarred and Jaci's we slept on an air mattress in the basement. It was really pretty cool, except when it got cold and the air in the mattress 'got smaller' and I fell off the side and there was no way to catch myself because those things collapse when they decide it's time. (I'm also on water pills that make me get up two or three times and cement is COLD - especially in Colorado.)

Now I'm home and my bed is this great seductive thing. All afternoon, it's beckoned me. As I unpacked it seemed to whisper; 'I forgive you for sleeping on anything else. Come back! Come back and I promise to *support you in all you do." I had no idea how much I love that bed.


You never miss what you got until it's gone, huh?




*Ha! 'Support you'! Get it????
I crack myself up.

It's a 'Girls'!!!

I heard myself talking to Jaci about Kaia the other day. I heard pride and adoration in my voice as Jaci smiled. I figured that she must get awful tired of me rambling about all the time about Ava, Kaia, Brandee and, sometimes, even a little about Rob.

. . . . and then . . .

I remembered when I was at Brandee's I talked about James and Julie. I remember thinking then that Brandee and Rob must think I had no life as I sputtered on about the amazing 'J to the 5th's I had back in the states.

The realization is stunning: There is now no differentiation between Brandee/Jaci up next to Rob/Jarred.

How in the world did these two chicks become as important to me as my sons?

The Huttons - J to the 5th

In Colorado. Jaci's house is awesome! You guys would love it! It's too warm and inviting. It's also cool to see Jarred actually able to hang around and be a member of the fam. Yes, Jaci has lost a lot of weight - the picture from her blog is accurate. And Jarred doesn't look tired anymore. They really have a great set up.

The first thing you notice about Jocelyn is her hair.

You look past the pretty dark complexion, the little button nose, the rumpled furrowed brow as she contemplates her next bowel movement, and the unreal perfect ears.

All that is secondary to her black mop of 'stand up static' hair. It's SO ADORABLE! It's so Don King.

Julie's talking 90 to nothing. James is so outgoing now - I think he might actually like me!

I have so missed these guys.

Adventures in England 4

Wadda day, wadda day, wadda day!!

We -
rode a train to London . . .
rode the underground ('mind the gap') . . .
walked Piccadilly Circus . . .
saw Big Ben . . .
heard Big Ben strike the hour (and quarter hour and half hour and the quarter till the hour). . .
saw the Thames river . . .
stood under the 'Eye of London' (a HUGE Ferris wheel) . . .
visited the aquarium . . .
saw Buckingham Palace . . .
saw the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace . . .

But the best (and put a question mark after that one) was when we went to get home and hit the underground at rush hour. People were crammed like something from a New York City sidewalk shot - the sardine thing. All of the sudden there was this fight between these two guys that broke out. One of them was calling the other guys something that I understood 1/2 of (unfortunately) and the other half I didn't (fortunately). Brandee stopped us in advance. She's a good one.

So Robert, Ava and I finally push into this car - Brandee, Rob and Kaia wouldn't fit. It's HOT with all the close bodies and people doing the breathing thing. We were supposed to get off on the Kings Crossing exit. So while we're riding, they announce that Kings Crossing is closed due to overflow of people!!!

Peachy. In London with a month old baby, no cell phones, no food, no diapers . . . . Where's the Zanex? Jackie was freaking out - BIG TIME.

Got off the train and sat back and prayed and sure enough, Rob and Brandee show up two trains later. Brandee looked like she was freaking out (we are so alike in some ways!). Robert and Rob were all cool. It's irritating.

When we got to the elevators to go back up to the street, they are jammed BIG TIME, so we take the stairs.

Here's the picture:
Robert in front with Ava strapped to his chest holding the front of Kaia's stroller, Rob next, holding Kaia's stroller over his head, then me with my knee and Brandee bringing up the rear. We went two flights and I thought, "This ain't so bad". It was then we hit the spiral staircase.

I kid you not - 120 to 140 steep steps, people pushing from the back, and zooming down the other side.

I heard Rob in front of me grunting, my knee was so incredulously offended it didn't bother to berate me - it just screamed, and Brandee kept saying, "I feel the cold air . . . we're getting there!"

Yes we made it. We sprinted to the train only to find that they were running late. There were more people crammed into that terminal than people fleeing from the aliens in 'War of the Worlds'.

We couldn't fit into the first train out. But we made the second - I got to sit with Ava, but Rob, Brandee and Robert had to stand a good 30 minutes. Once seated, a Chinese lady asked about Ava and made sure I knew that in her culture, babies were not allowed in the public until they were 4 months old. Mothers and new babies aren't even allowed to go out of the house the first month.

This was my trip to the town of London. And I have left a lot out.

This is why I live in the country.

Adventures in England 3

So I've finally got to see a castle! Leeds Castle outside Dover. Really cool, except that they kept going on about the chick who owned it until 2001 and really, who cares about the 1900's when you have the chance to walk around in 1260? So we kinda flew past that part.

English people talk funny. It's irritating. Especially the women, At first you think you'll love listening to their accents and then you just want them to shut up. They talk more than I do times 3.

And people here are rude. It's like we get this sneer the minute they see my Kansas City Chiefs jacket. Just another annoying American.

I miss Texas and Texans.

Adventures in England 2

Went to Stonehenge yesterday. I walked the whole thing listening to a historical tape. I really get into the history thing. I thought Rob and Brandee were gonna deck me.

It's huge. And I think I knew but had forgotten that it was a cemetery too.

But I think the thing that freaked me out most of all was the way Rob drove on the left side of the road. People going 90mph on the wrong side, doing this thing called 'round-a-bout'. I kept thinking of the time the drunk guy was going down north I-35 in the southbound lane.

LOVE these kids, but I miss my dogs and my horses.

Adventures in England - 1

It's a sunny day in England!!! First one!

It is so awesome to be here with these kids - all 4 of them! Watching Brandee and Rob brings back so much from Offutt and Arkansas. Kaia goes ninety to nothing and is way smart - scary smart. Ava is ADORABLE - cuddly and cooing.

Rob and Robert are out golfing and Brandee put on some water to boil for tea. Suddenly, she said, "Do you smell something burning?" and we look over and there's flames coming out of the burner. So I put a lid over the top of it, but it didn't go out - air coming from the other burners keeps feeding it. Cover the other burners, it's still going. HMMMMM? So I put a chunk of flour on it - it rears up and sparks and continues burning. Fine. So Brandee gets me some baking soda and it flares up again (like it's saying 'A Ha! I'll get you now, my chunky!') and it finally dies.

Smoke everywhere, Kaia asking for toast and no alarms or nothing to quiet up.

Lesson - fires in England are tenacious.

JOCELYN!!!!!

I don't think Jocelyn wanted to make the scene.

I mean, it's like poor Jaci was no where near labor. None of that labor lingo stuff (that Jaci knows much better than I do), and it's a week past her due date. It takes me SO back to her dad (Jarred). Six weeks late because he knew a good thing when he was in it. And like 21 years later the Navy says he's this unreal gifted guy.

So that just proves one thing : Jocelyn is a smart chick. And if she's this smart before she makes the scene . . .

Poor Jaci and Jarred.

Feelin a little Defeated

Why is the worst actions to take the easiest? Like every time?

My Friend

Have a lot going on with Christmas and England coming up - Jaci's about to kill me if I don't stop a second and update this.

Had my heart broken this season by a friend who's in a bad way. I listened to her and it felt as if I was this black hole sinking in on itself. Because I was powerless because I love so her so much.

But it was left at this; I have done far worse. It's all about accepting forgiveness.

I STINK at accepting forgiveness.

Happy Birthday, Jaci

I have to throw out into the void that I did NOT forget my daughter-in-law's birthday. (Called while she was at the dentist with Jarred and then had a snowball afternoon. It was rotten.)

But I wanted to give her something via this blog that would probably be one of the best gifts ever.

We were at the care group party here at the house on Tuesday and of course we got on the subject of Jaci/Jarred/Jah/Jules. And Alice Lester said - and everyone there agreed, that that was their idea of the ideal family. The kids were calm and well mannered, but still kids, Jaci was so soft spoken and gentle and Jarred was the true leader. Everyone misses them, everyone mentions them . . and Isabel won't stop looking for Julie and James.

Happy birthday Jaci. See? It's not all for nothing.

Granma Walton

When I was growing up, the one show I loved to watch was the Waltons. From 'The Homecoming' to whn John Boy got proposed to by Janet, I have been one of those people that watched it so much that I could say; "Oh! I know this one. It's the one about . . ."

I never could take much of granma Walton. She was this dour old chick, always frowning. Bossy. No nonsense grump.

Now I can see that I have grown into her! HA! All the things that irritated me about her are now alive and well in me! I go 90 miles an hour, so focused that I unintentionally talk hatefully. I come across like a sledge hammer and can't even see it.

. . . and then . . .

Then the reruns show me that she really was pretty stable. Her love was constant, no matter what, but she really stunk when she tried to show it. That's so me.

Kelly, my niece, once told Cheri, my sister, that 'Aunt Jackie sure is bossy, but I like her." And while I doubt she still says that, it did give me a reluctant smile - just like granma Walton.

It's Ava!!!!

Don't you love her little squeak?

Number 4!!!!

Ava Faye Hutton was born at am, weighing 8lbs and 6oz and 19 & 3/4 inches long! Rob's supposed to send me pictures tonight and if I can fugure out how to put them up, I will. He said she looks just like Kaia.

Couple of Questions

How do you give mercy when you simply can't abide being in the same room with the person who needs the mercy?

How do you show love when there is NO want to work at it?

How do you deal with the total disappointment in yourself at being unable to show Christianity?

Will I ever not feel so tired?

That thing . . waiting in the wings?
Still there.

Kaia!!!

Kaia is two years old!!!!

And the thing that really gets me less than happy is the fact that I've only got to see her like twice her whole life! When we look at her on line, she's this little blur. She goes mach 9. And she talks like Madison Tullus - (BTW - Congrats to Madison!!! My new sister!)

We're going to England the 2nd of January, and I'll get to hug on her - if she'll stop long enough for me to catch her. Kaia AND England. Sounding pretty cool.

What Goes There?

Time is speeding up again - and I thought it couldn't go any faster. Have too full a plate right now but I can't help but feel uneasy. Waiting.

Like there's something in the wings.

Darla, You Started a Good One . . .

In response to Darla . . .

OHMIWORD! How can people not be aware of what is happening to our children today??? It BLOWS me away that people think a kid should get a PHD for breathing.

It would be different if it was all they could do. We're talking about laziness that is encouraged by the parent. I have to disagree with Cryssy - it's not about encouraging imagination and striving for a child who works at it, (I'd pick up an office building behind the kid to encourage that) . . it's about telling a kid they can do absolutely anything they want and the world owes them not only a living but a GOOD living. What has happened to us????

Where will we be a generation from now.

A Letter to Mom

I wanted to call my mother today.

After all is said and done, after the silence of the last 9 months, after knowing that she never really thought much on me anyhow, after the roller coaster of my emotions (I thought) had finally leveled . . I just wanted talk to my mom.

Stupid things. Like:

"I finally did it, Mom. I am published."
"Julie likes me now, Mom, I think James loves me."
"It's way too hot here. I don't fell 'holiday' at all."
"Have I told you about Barbara? "
"How could you stand being away from my kids? I am miserable that I can't see Kaia."
"If you come over, I'll make you some tacos"


How come I can't grasp the fact that she'll never pick up the phone again? Where is all this coming from.

It's hard to see the screen.

A Royal time

I love to laugh so hard that you cry.

Went to the Royals tonight and Darla and Lee got to talking about something funny and I had to work hard to keep from spewing water all over them, I was laughing so hard. Darla is fun to watch when she gets tickled.

They sure are good company.

An eye opener

Do we really know people? Or do we only see the part of them that they choose to show us? I think the latter. Definitely.

I was talking with a lady (ie:'chick') about what's going on with her and I got so much more than I needed to know. Awful, terrible things about a person I thought I knew well. Now I realize I don't know him at all.

I sat there, listening, a long prayer beeping in my mind: "Father, help her! Father, help me to help them! How in the world did I end up with such a great man? "

It really makes you feel kind of stupid. That person didn't just wake up one day and decide to become a jerk. It was there all the time, right under my nose and I never saw a bit of it.

Wow.

Intimidation stinks.

I HATE people who come up to you, hand over a folder with the chance to buy cookie dough, or wrapping paper or pecan pies or WHATEVER. For their kids or their grand kids. For trips to Florida or Sea World or to England for a senior trip.

Lord help you if you don't buy stuff from them . . you have to go to church with these people, or work with them. Had someone come to my door (from church) to get in my door so her grand kid (not from church) could get me to buy something I had NO want to buy. It was intimidation, pure and simple. And people do it all the time.

I just gave her $10.00. Didn't buy a thing.

Doubt

What is it that makes us doubt ourselves?

When I was starting the publishing thing, I was so sure that what I wrote was a good work. I wanted an honest opinion so I asked Johnnie Rosenhaur to read it to tell me what I needed to have done to get it published. He really, really liked it and said all I needed were illustrations. I sat at the table reading the gallery when it came in and I was so happy with my phrasing and the whole thing.

Now, here I sit, scared to have anyone read it. I don't think it's any good anymore. In fact, I think it's poor. I was at Darla's and she was looking at the first chapter on line and all I could think was that I didn't want her to read it. It wasn't good enough for her to read.

I'm beginning to think I should never have ventured this far.

And now presenting . . .

Every time I spend any real time with my book, my stomach starts to hurt!

I have to decide on 3 markets to sell my book. I want to go out of the state of Texas (for at least one of the areas), but am overwhelmed with my options. Did some research and found out that Texas was #1 in the nation for horse ownership, California is #2, Oklahoma is #3 and Missouri is number four.

Here's the problem: Which of the three states should I focus my book on? And which markets inside these states should I consider???

I've narrowed it down to Texas and California, but where in Texas would I sell the most books? Dallas/Ft Worth? San Antonio? Houston? Abilene? And where in California? Fresno? Los Angeles?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I am tempted to go with Kansas City if for no other reason that it is because my book started in Knob Noster, just a skip down highway 50 from there.


My stomach really hurts.

Negativity

Have just about decided to stash all negative feelings and simply ignore them. (Read Amy's blog and got to feeling guilty, I guess.)

Because, honestly, who gets edified by that? Should I expect people to understand? Do I really want them that close? If they were that close, would I even need to say anything at all? Isn't it just a case of me wanting to vent and get pats on the back?

And shame on me for that.

Rocky

I am so SICK of getting punched in the stomach.

It seems like I have been insulted and taken advantage of too many times to count.

And satan is using people I love to kick and slap and insult me. And I can't say anything. My eyes sting with unshed tears. I am powerless.

I feel like the end of Ricky 1 where he's standing in the middle of the ring yelling for Adrianne. But it's me, in the middle of my life crying out to God . . . Please, please come rescue me.

It's aliiiiiive.

A whole new month. I've been so busy I haven't had time to write.

But to let you know, I'm alive and kicking. Been to Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York and Vermont.

Things I've found out about myself.

1. I can teach the Gospel.

2. I REALLY want to live north where there's trees and cold.

3. I am much more attached to my husband than I thought I was.

4. I am way too hard on myself.

5. I can change - - if I decide I want to.

Just'a ramblin

Well, I feel like slime!

Susie Pursch's father passed away and I couldn't make the funeral. (In my defense, all I had to drive was the 89 step side without air conditioning with the two kids because Jaci was at work), but still, I feel horrible. I've always felt like weddings were optional, funerals were mandatory. I broke my own rule.

The puppy I was supposed to get I had to get early because the mother turned on them and really injured a couple of them. One was Jaci's and we ended up having to put it down. Super bummer.

Rode Chief. He's AWESOME - has a fantastic lope (that would be a three beat gait that is smooth for you guys who haven't read my book yet.) I have to make sure to keep him ridden or all the training is for naught. Have to treat it liker a job.

Have to go. Jaci's fixing dinner (YEHAAAA!!!) and I'm keeping an eye on the kids.


s

Argh!

If . . .

it's raining and you're being passed by a lady with a horse trailer with a black and white horse inside it, you might need to check your speed.


Perhaps get up to the speed limit? Even up to five miles under the speed limit?

Lessons

Have come to the conclusion that I am a better grandmother than I was a mother. Stupid things that used to tilt the world for me now are so trivial.

For example, I had a lady at Church go on and on about how great her one year old was doing with potty training. I got to thinking; "So what if he learns in one year or two or three? Rob took two days to learn and Jarred took a solid year. Does that matter AT ALL now?"

I wish I would have known that when the boys were little. I would have smiled more.

Catch up time

Wow and is time fleeting or what? I'll bet if I went back and gave myself a dollar for every time I've blogged that . . .well, I'd be taking money from myself, so I don't guess I'd be rich! But I'd be uh . . . amazed.

Am busy busy busy with the kids, work and other less than fun stuff around here. It is so cool to have Jaci here to talk to. Just to have her nod is great. And she likes to help with the horses!

Have to come up with a nick name for Kaia. It really bothers me that I haven't gotten the chance to know her yet. We're going to England when Brandee has the next baby in December and am really hoping that something will slap me like it did with Jah and Jewel. I'm thinkin 'Flash'.

My throat hurts. Jah had a temp yesterday. Are the peanuts in early?

Got plates for my GMC. WOOOOO HOOOOO!

Have to put the kids in the tub and get settled in for 'Wives Swap'. I love Mondays.

Humility

So there I was, all proud and stuff, pulling up my book on google and amazon and dalton when Jarred says; "Mom, did you mean to misspell 'humility'?"

There it was, big as life - 'If You Wanna Learn Humilty . . .'

HA!!

Friends

People who use relationships to further their own ends.

People who turn a bad situation of others into payoff for themselves.

People who use another to cushion their fall, or their path or their climb.

Living around those who deal with these things and the total uselessness as I look on.


Are there words that convey the depth of my contempt?

New Name for Jul-leeee

I have come up with a new name for my grand-daughter, Julie.

I've always done the nick name thing. Rob was Ruby, my priceless gem, Jarred was the 'head', James was Jah and I could never really think of anything for Julie because I never knew her.

But, after this trip, after spending time time with her, after listening to her little expressions . . Julie is now 'Jewel'. My new gem.

I have them for 3 months. I am one lucky chick a roo.

"it'z whas up"

Had our "Hutton #2" Care group last night. I had no idea these people would be so fun. (I LOVED #1, so how could these guys compare?) I learned a lot in the hour and a half and really look forward to the next. I was afraid I wouldn't care anything about this group . . man, did God show me something or what? This is going to be a blast.

I'm off to Hawaii. Got a good book and the flight ended up not being as long as I feared. Have to make sure I lay off the water/sodas. And broccoli.

If You Wanna Learn Humility . . . Publish a book

Okay . . .

go to :
www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/BookHome.aspx

Click on 'Humor' on the left hand side.
Check out number 5

. . .and there is the dream I've had since I was a young thing . . .

I think I'm gonna throw up.

A hard Wednesday

I used to think that knowledge destroyed happiness. As you go through life you hear things - too many things that are negative about those we love, or those we hold in high esteem. And so you live life knowing things you wish so badly you didn't know and try to go on, learn from it, build a new relationship from it and - - - -wham!, you learn more.

Can't you just leave things alone? Can't you just shut your eyes, plug your ears and hum a song really loud?

. . .and then . . .


But now I think that knowledge kills innocence. It really really stinks that you can't go back.

Fall

Things are starting to settle. Not really in my life, but with the year.

Autumn has always been my favorite time of year. I used to LOVE to go to school - - the smell of Elmers glue, Big Chief notebooks and the gritty scent of the chalk board. Sliding into the new desk, getting your best friend in your class, knee socks that were still white and still stayed up without a rubber band. Man, I loved school.

Autumn; the summing up, the cool down, the holidays too far away to worry about but too close to ignore, the trees, the settling accounts . . ..

The time to prepare. The time to slow.

I would've made a great ant.

Estrogen City

It's a whole new world. Rob and Brandee are having a girl . . Jarred and Jaci are having a girl. How odd is that? I'll have one grandson and three granddaughters.

But really, the Cecilia line (me) has mostly girls, the Hutton brothers (Robert and the ALL BOY siblings) have almost nothing but girls. It was just me and Barbara who had boys.

When people have mostly boys it's said that it is God preparing the world for a war. Does that mean that all girls means peace? I'll ask Rob and Jarred about that one.

Camping

Got my trailer over here at the house finally. Robert and I and the dogs and the big horses are going to Kileen on Thursday so I need to get it ready. There's just something about a camp fire under a Texas sky to help a person chill.

We're also getting Chief back to see whats what with him. With the heat, I don't expect to do much riding, but I want to be around him and the Tesster more. Just the thought of bathing, brushing, grooming . . .it is as calming as a bubble bath to me.

I realize I have no life, but boy, my horses do.

What was that?

I really need to get my eyes fixed. I couldn't see Megan's picture on a big screen during her graduation yesterday. I can't read Amy's blog anymore. When did this happen??? Am I old? The problem is that I can't wear my glasses to read the blog and then type. I'm near sighted.

So doe that mean that the screen is now considered a distance from me???

AAAARGGHHH!

This age thing stinks. Big time.

Jaci! Where are you?????

Wow. What an eye opener. God don't mess around when He goes to teach a lesson, huh?

And satan don't miss a trick.

I now know that I can't do the foster thing . . . I don't think I will be able to do it for anyone. After the mess and attitude, I was left with a girl that was as good in the heart as you can get, and she had to be returned to a lady in it for the $$$. And Cynthia? I can see that God has shut that door and has used this last bout of stuff to explain His reasoning to me. What I learned about myself was sobering. I was totally pitted out.

And then satan used 'friends' to knock me down.

I need Jah and Julee and Jaci and being able to talk and have help with the house work and being allowed to be in a down mood without dishonoring God.. I need to do cards and jewelry and paint and draw. I need to be me again.

Monday Night

There has been a nagging tick in the back of my head for the last week or so. That sense that something is not right somewhere . . that you forgot something big, or that there was a super negative feeling . . . a bad happening on the way.

I thought it was the girls. I thought it was putting too much time into something I was lukewarm at best about. I thought it was all about my attitude.

Found out last night that wasn't the case. Found out that I am a hindrance to someone in the Church - nothing I've done, just me. Me. I have no idea how to change. I am an empty hole right now.

I was told about this because it was felt that I needed to know this was the way people thought of me.

How in the world can this be encouraging?

I ache to crawl into Gods lap right now. There is no comfort here.

Me

They say that to learn new things about yourself is a good thing. It helps you to grow.

. . and then . .

The days drag on. I watch the clock, finding out stuff about me that isn't great. I find myself watching my life like an outsider. I don't know that person.

I find very little that I like. So what does God see?

Please, no platitudes. Writing therapy.

Calling All Christians!!!!

I need prayers, prayers, prayers!

God was SO right when He said "No."

No Title

What if you find out something that you always thought was there, but never really pursued because there was a chance that it was true and if that was so, then where in the world would you be?

Case in point - I KNEW that Robert felt a certain way, but pretended I didn't. Because if I did, then that would obligate me to change my way of doing something I wanted to do. Do you go ahead with something that you know your husband is not behind?

TANGAT. It's a dead issue. And I smashed two fingers today so hard I cried.

What a horrible horrible day.

My Babies!!

Jarred and I planted the grandchildren today. Ha!!!

I bought 5 crepe myrtles (did I murder that spelling or what???) of different colors and put them on the front part of my house - the yard inside the circle drive. One is James and one is Kaia and one is Julee and the other two are waiting for names. I think it will be cool to look back and remember that we put these in the ground the first year we were here and at that time I had five grand kids.

I laugh every time I look at 'Kaia'. Brandee rolls her eyes at all my 'WOW! Lookat the color on THAT crepe myrtle. Brandee is probably rolling her eyes as she reads this. HA!

Jarred

I so love having Jarred here. He's adorable.

Funny how your mind works.

Got to thinking today as I mowed the lawn with Cynthia (she stood/leaned/sat up against me) . . .

What am I working for?

Honestly, what does the condition of this lawn, the horses, the property . . .what good is it really? Rob and Jarred don't want it.

Love this house, and am SO thankful for my life . . . . how can it be so different from what my boys want?

Feeling a little lost right now.

Memories on a Summer Day

Hot sweat on baby fine hair, heat waves against a brilliant green field, dense cool shade on the hottest summer afternoon, tire swings cutting into your legs, ponies breathing hot breath against your face, running from cra-dads that jump for your toes in cold shallow creeks, splashing water all over your sister, playing horse in a field of sweet clover, the sound of cicadas as a little girl kills time on a blazing Missouri summer afternoon.

It's a sobering that these images exist only in my memory now.



Someone said you can never go home. And it's true.

A Whole New World

Now hang with me a sec . . .

I've always thought there was a whole other dimension that we can't see that exists at the same time as we do. On that other plain life is fit into shuttles, one frame after another, flipping through years. Things don't just happen there, they are made to happen - - - like a filmmaker.

Now, in this place are entities that move the world around. For example, when I put down the phone it moves it to the next place I'm going to put it so I'll know it's there. They (these 'Ace moving guys'), have to physically touch every single thing or it doesn't get 'life'.

Sometimes the entities mess up. I know this for certainty because I'll be looking for something and one second it's not there, then in the next instant, it's in front of my face. They blew it.

Think I have too much time on my hands?

Yuck

Is it just me or is it easier to sweat now? Seems like I just go out for the mail and I come back sopping. And my clothes smell funny. And the gnats are friendly. Let's not even talk about the mosquitoes.

And when it drips into your ear canal . . .

Sometimes it Feels Like it's Gonna Just Pop

I always seem to have a headache now. Amy says it's the weather and Julie says that my brain is dehydrated. I heard that motrin is best, or tylenol is best. I've tried to sit in the dark, or under the ac and killed all caffeine. No go.

I think it's because I've got too much going on and it's overload. My head won't let me forget that I'm spread too thin.

When Cynthia Talks

When Cynthia talks, to most people it sounds like gibberish. You can tell she's frustrated. To her ears, she's being as plain as day. No one else seems to get it.

After spending the morning with her, I can make out almost all of what she says. For a child who didn't begin to speak until she was 2 and a half, to me, she is doing very very well.

I have learned that if you take the effort to simply listen, then you not only understand, you help others to feel understood. The world spins a little easier. That makes no sense, I know. But it does to me. And Cynthia.


Praying that Cynthia will be mine. I can learn a lot through her.