Doubt

What is it that makes us doubt ourselves?

When I was starting the publishing thing, I was so sure that what I wrote was a good work. I wanted an honest opinion so I asked Johnnie Rosenhaur to read it to tell me what I needed to have done to get it published. He really, really liked it and said all I needed were illustrations. I sat at the table reading the gallery when it came in and I was so happy with my phrasing and the whole thing.

Now, here I sit, scared to have anyone read it. I don't think it's any good anymore. In fact, I think it's poor. I was at Darla's and she was looking at the first chapter on line and all I could think was that I didn't want her to read it. It wasn't good enough for her to read.

I'm beginning to think I should never have ventured this far.

And now presenting . . .

Every time I spend any real time with my book, my stomach starts to hurt!

I have to decide on 3 markets to sell my book. I want to go out of the state of Texas (for at least one of the areas), but am overwhelmed with my options. Did some research and found out that Texas was #1 in the nation for horse ownership, California is #2, Oklahoma is #3 and Missouri is number four.

Here's the problem: Which of the three states should I focus my book on? And which markets inside these states should I consider???

I've narrowed it down to Texas and California, but where in Texas would I sell the most books? Dallas/Ft Worth? San Antonio? Houston? Abilene? And where in California? Fresno? Los Angeles?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I am tempted to go with Kansas City if for no other reason that it is because my book started in Knob Noster, just a skip down highway 50 from there.


My stomach really hurts.

Negativity

Have just about decided to stash all negative feelings and simply ignore them. (Read Amy's blog and got to feeling guilty, I guess.)

Because, honestly, who gets edified by that? Should I expect people to understand? Do I really want them that close? If they were that close, would I even need to say anything at all? Isn't it just a case of me wanting to vent and get pats on the back?

And shame on me for that.

Rocky

I am so SICK of getting punched in the stomach.

It seems like I have been insulted and taken advantage of too many times to count.

And satan is using people I love to kick and slap and insult me. And I can't say anything. My eyes sting with unshed tears. I am powerless.

I feel like the end of Ricky 1 where he's standing in the middle of the ring yelling for Adrianne. But it's me, in the middle of my life crying out to God . . . Please, please come rescue me.

It's aliiiiiive.

A whole new month. I've been so busy I haven't had time to write.

But to let you know, I'm alive and kicking. Been to Connecticut, Massachusetts, New York and Vermont.

Things I've found out about myself.

1. I can teach the Gospel.

2. I REALLY want to live north where there's trees and cold.

3. I am much more attached to my husband than I thought I was.

4. I am way too hard on myself.

5. I can change - - if I decide I want to.

Just'a ramblin

Well, I feel like slime!

Susie Pursch's father passed away and I couldn't make the funeral. (In my defense, all I had to drive was the 89 step side without air conditioning with the two kids because Jaci was at work), but still, I feel horrible. I've always felt like weddings were optional, funerals were mandatory. I broke my own rule.

The puppy I was supposed to get I had to get early because the mother turned on them and really injured a couple of them. One was Jaci's and we ended up having to put it down. Super bummer.

Rode Chief. He's AWESOME - has a fantastic lope (that would be a three beat gait that is smooth for you guys who haven't read my book yet.) I have to make sure to keep him ridden or all the training is for naught. Have to treat it liker a job.

Have to go. Jaci's fixing dinner (YEHAAAA!!!) and I'm keeping an eye on the kids.


s

Argh!

If . . .

it's raining and you're being passed by a lady with a horse trailer with a black and white horse inside it, you might need to check your speed.


Perhaps get up to the speed limit? Even up to five miles under the speed limit?

Lessons

Have come to the conclusion that I am a better grandmother than I was a mother. Stupid things that used to tilt the world for me now are so trivial.

For example, I had a lady at Church go on and on about how great her one year old was doing with potty training. I got to thinking; "So what if he learns in one year or two or three? Rob took two days to learn and Jarred took a solid year. Does that matter AT ALL now?"

I wish I would have known that when the boys were little. I would have smiled more.

Catch up time

Wow and is time fleeting or what? I'll bet if I went back and gave myself a dollar for every time I've blogged that . . .well, I'd be taking money from myself, so I don't guess I'd be rich! But I'd be uh . . . amazed.

Am busy busy busy with the kids, work and other less than fun stuff around here. It is so cool to have Jaci here to talk to. Just to have her nod is great. And she likes to help with the horses!

Have to come up with a nick name for Kaia. It really bothers me that I haven't gotten the chance to know her yet. We're going to England when Brandee has the next baby in December and am really hoping that something will slap me like it did with Jah and Jewel. I'm thinkin 'Flash'.

My throat hurts. Jah had a temp yesterday. Are the peanuts in early?

Got plates for my GMC. WOOOOO HOOOOO!

Have to put the kids in the tub and get settled in for 'Wives Swap'. I love Mondays.

Humility

So there I was, all proud and stuff, pulling up my book on google and amazon and dalton when Jarred says; "Mom, did you mean to misspell 'humility'?"

There it was, big as life - 'If You Wanna Learn Humilty . . .'

HA!!

Friends

People who use relationships to further their own ends.

People who turn a bad situation of others into payoff for themselves.

People who use another to cushion their fall, or their path or their climb.

Living around those who deal with these things and the total uselessness as I look on.


Are there words that convey the depth of my contempt?

New Name for Jul-leeee

I have come up with a new name for my grand-daughter, Julie.

I've always done the nick name thing. Rob was Ruby, my priceless gem, Jarred was the 'head', James was Jah and I could never really think of anything for Julie because I never knew her.

But, after this trip, after spending time time with her, after listening to her little expressions . . Julie is now 'Jewel'. My new gem.

I have them for 3 months. I am one lucky chick a roo.

"it'z whas up"

Had our "Hutton #2" Care group last night. I had no idea these people would be so fun. (I LOVED #1, so how could these guys compare?) I learned a lot in the hour and a half and really look forward to the next. I was afraid I wouldn't care anything about this group . . man, did God show me something or what? This is going to be a blast.

I'm off to Hawaii. Got a good book and the flight ended up not being as long as I feared. Have to make sure I lay off the water/sodas. And broccoli.

If You Wanna Learn Humility . . . Publish a book

Okay . . .

go to :
www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/BookHome.aspx

Click on 'Humor' on the left hand side.
Check out number 5

. . .and there is the dream I've had since I was a young thing . . .

I think I'm gonna throw up.

A hard Wednesday

I used to think that knowledge destroyed happiness. As you go through life you hear things - too many things that are negative about those we love, or those we hold in high esteem. And so you live life knowing things you wish so badly you didn't know and try to go on, learn from it, build a new relationship from it and - - - -wham!, you learn more.

Can't you just leave things alone? Can't you just shut your eyes, plug your ears and hum a song really loud?

. . .and then . . .


But now I think that knowledge kills innocence. It really really stinks that you can't go back.

Fall

Things are starting to settle. Not really in my life, but with the year.

Autumn has always been my favorite time of year. I used to LOVE to go to school - - the smell of Elmers glue, Big Chief notebooks and the gritty scent of the chalk board. Sliding into the new desk, getting your best friend in your class, knee socks that were still white and still stayed up without a rubber band. Man, I loved school.

Autumn; the summing up, the cool down, the holidays too far away to worry about but too close to ignore, the trees, the settling accounts . . ..

The time to prepare. The time to slow.

I would've made a great ant.

Estrogen City

It's a whole new world. Rob and Brandee are having a girl . . Jarred and Jaci are having a girl. How odd is that? I'll have one grandson and three granddaughters.

But really, the Cecilia line (me) has mostly girls, the Hutton brothers (Robert and the ALL BOY siblings) have almost nothing but girls. It was just me and Barbara who had boys.

When people have mostly boys it's said that it is God preparing the world for a war. Does that mean that all girls means peace? I'll ask Rob and Jarred about that one.

Camping

Got my trailer over here at the house finally. Robert and I and the dogs and the big horses are going to Kileen on Thursday so I need to get it ready. There's just something about a camp fire under a Texas sky to help a person chill.

We're also getting Chief back to see whats what with him. With the heat, I don't expect to do much riding, but I want to be around him and the Tesster more. Just the thought of bathing, brushing, grooming . . .it is as calming as a bubble bath to me.

I realize I have no life, but boy, my horses do.

What was that?

I really need to get my eyes fixed. I couldn't see Megan's picture on a big screen during her graduation yesterday. I can't read Amy's blog anymore. When did this happen??? Am I old? The problem is that I can't wear my glasses to read the blog and then type. I'm near sighted.

So doe that mean that the screen is now considered a distance from me???

AAAARGGHHH!

This age thing stinks. Big time.

Jaci! Where are you?????

Wow. What an eye opener. God don't mess around when He goes to teach a lesson, huh?

And satan don't miss a trick.

I now know that I can't do the foster thing . . . I don't think I will be able to do it for anyone. After the mess and attitude, I was left with a girl that was as good in the heart as you can get, and she had to be returned to a lady in it for the $$$. And Cynthia? I can see that God has shut that door and has used this last bout of stuff to explain His reasoning to me. What I learned about myself was sobering. I was totally pitted out.

And then satan used 'friends' to knock me down.

I need Jah and Julee and Jaci and being able to talk and have help with the house work and being allowed to be in a down mood without dishonoring God.. I need to do cards and jewelry and paint and draw. I need to be me again.

Monday Night

There has been a nagging tick in the back of my head for the last week or so. That sense that something is not right somewhere . . that you forgot something big, or that there was a super negative feeling . . . a bad happening on the way.

I thought it was the girls. I thought it was putting too much time into something I was lukewarm at best about. I thought it was all about my attitude.

Found out last night that wasn't the case. Found out that I am a hindrance to someone in the Church - nothing I've done, just me. Me. I have no idea how to change. I am an empty hole right now.

I was told about this because it was felt that I needed to know this was the way people thought of me.

How in the world can this be encouraging?

I ache to crawl into Gods lap right now. There is no comfort here.

Me

They say that to learn new things about yourself is a good thing. It helps you to grow.

. . and then . .

The days drag on. I watch the clock, finding out stuff about me that isn't great. I find myself watching my life like an outsider. I don't know that person.

I find very little that I like. So what does God see?

Please, no platitudes. Writing therapy.

Calling All Christians!!!!

I need prayers, prayers, prayers!

God was SO right when He said "No."

No Title

What if you find out something that you always thought was there, but never really pursued because there was a chance that it was true and if that was so, then where in the world would you be?

Case in point - I KNEW that Robert felt a certain way, but pretended I didn't. Because if I did, then that would obligate me to change my way of doing something I wanted to do. Do you go ahead with something that you know your husband is not behind?

TANGAT. It's a dead issue. And I smashed two fingers today so hard I cried.

What a horrible horrible day.

My Babies!!

Jarred and I planted the grandchildren today. Ha!!!

I bought 5 crepe myrtles (did I murder that spelling or what???) of different colors and put them on the front part of my house - the yard inside the circle drive. One is James and one is Kaia and one is Julee and the other two are waiting for names. I think it will be cool to look back and remember that we put these in the ground the first year we were here and at that time I had five grand kids.

I laugh every time I look at 'Kaia'. Brandee rolls her eyes at all my 'WOW! Lookat the color on THAT crepe myrtle. Brandee is probably rolling her eyes as she reads this. HA!

Jarred

I so love having Jarred here. He's adorable.

Funny how your mind works.

Got to thinking today as I mowed the lawn with Cynthia (she stood/leaned/sat up against me) . . .

What am I working for?

Honestly, what does the condition of this lawn, the horses, the property . . .what good is it really? Rob and Jarred don't want it.

Love this house, and am SO thankful for my life . . . . how can it be so different from what my boys want?

Feeling a little lost right now.

Memories on a Summer Day

Hot sweat on baby fine hair, heat waves against a brilliant green field, dense cool shade on the hottest summer afternoon, tire swings cutting into your legs, ponies breathing hot breath against your face, running from cra-dads that jump for your toes in cold shallow creeks, splashing water all over your sister, playing horse in a field of sweet clover, the sound of cicadas as a little girl kills time on a blazing Missouri summer afternoon.

It's a sobering that these images exist only in my memory now.



Someone said you can never go home. And it's true.

A Whole New World

Now hang with me a sec . . .

I've always thought there was a whole other dimension that we can't see that exists at the same time as we do. On that other plain life is fit into shuttles, one frame after another, flipping through years. Things don't just happen there, they are made to happen - - - like a filmmaker.

Now, in this place are entities that move the world around. For example, when I put down the phone it moves it to the next place I'm going to put it so I'll know it's there. They (these 'Ace moving guys'), have to physically touch every single thing or it doesn't get 'life'.

Sometimes the entities mess up. I know this for certainty because I'll be looking for something and one second it's not there, then in the next instant, it's in front of my face. They blew it.

Think I have too much time on my hands?

Yuck

Is it just me or is it easier to sweat now? Seems like I just go out for the mail and I come back sopping. And my clothes smell funny. And the gnats are friendly. Let's not even talk about the mosquitoes.

And when it drips into your ear canal . . .

Sometimes it Feels Like it's Gonna Just Pop

I always seem to have a headache now. Amy says it's the weather and Julie says that my brain is dehydrated. I heard that motrin is best, or tylenol is best. I've tried to sit in the dark, or under the ac and killed all caffeine. No go.

I think it's because I've got too much going on and it's overload. My head won't let me forget that I'm spread too thin.

When Cynthia Talks

When Cynthia talks, to most people it sounds like gibberish. You can tell she's frustrated. To her ears, she's being as plain as day. No one else seems to get it.

After spending the morning with her, I can make out almost all of what she says. For a child who didn't begin to speak until she was 2 and a half, to me, she is doing very very well.

I have learned that if you take the effort to simply listen, then you not only understand, you help others to feel understood. The world spins a little easier. That makes no sense, I know. But it does to me. And Cynthia.


Praying that Cynthia will be mine. I can learn a lot through her.

A day of Bummers

They sent me a gallery of my book and I am so 'not a happy camper' about it. I guess I thought they'd just do it perfect. Guess not. Have to get with them and fix that which puts the publication back That was a bummer.

Have to start working out today. Need to do something and I'm guessing that the knowledge that I need to do something isn't taking off the weight or helping me to walk better, so guess I'll have to get off the ole hiney and do something. Major bummer.

Robert told me I have to go shopping for girl stuff, and have fun doing it and I have no clue how to go about that. (Couldn't I just buy a new saddle instead?) Bummer.

But the rain's coming in again - I still haven't had enough to satisfy the 'nesting' instinct. And I have some serious scrap booking to do. That means I can put off the shopping for a little longer.

It'z intha Water

Oh my word . . now Cryssy is pregnant. Jaci, Brandee, Megan, Misty, Lisa and now Cryssy.

Wow.

While I have accepted God decision, I am unprepared for the pain of this. And the tears I thought were gone forever.

I just wish this horrible hope would die.

Nesting

When I was a little girl, I read the book, "the Long Winter" by Laura Ingalls Wilder. It always fascinated the 'nesting' part of me - the staying cooped up in a room, with just a candle, fat quilt, hot chocolate and the wind. The big deal for the Ingalls family was getting to real an article from a stack of old news papers once every day. They lived for it. It has stayed with me . . .what would I do to keep from going insane if I got 'colded in' (we all lknow there are no 'Long blizzard winters' in South Texas)?

I just rearranged my books. Got a good look at what I have.

I could probably get a degree with all I have here.

Richard Adams once wrote that ". . . people who say they love the cold are really saying that they love the security they have against it. Animals in the wild have a much more realistic view of winter." How true can you get? I am secure, I am protected, well fed and have interesting, funny husband, so yeah, I love being 'colded in'. Adams nailed it.

Laugh out Loud Happy

Had a disturbing realization today.

I was thinking on what to write on my blog today and thought I'd ask what time in every one's life that they were the happiest. Asking the question demands that I give my response first. But I was stumped. I gave it a lot of thought and couldn't come up with any single time that stood out.

Rob and Jarred were memories of wonder, awe and this unreal fear that I was in over my head.

My marriage was one of acceptance - both times.

My baptism was one of desperation.

I've been 'grin happy' a lot in my life. Things have gone pretty good except when they didn't. And when things were black, they were opaque.

But 'Laugh out Loud' happiness? Maybe that's a wait on heaven thing.

So He is Normal

When I hit the ground, I heard that sickening 'THUD!' that I'd completely forgotten existed.

See, I'd been lulled into a false sense of security when it came to horses. Tesster, although fun and tending to be 'witchey', was a secure, safe ride. What she threw at me, I handled with a grin. She made me too sure of myself. Enter Chief, her son, who said 'Duh! Whatever you want, Jackie' so may times I'd gotten careless. It both surprise me and was something I expected when he turned tight and pitched me right off.

I laid on the ground, trying to breathe and thought' "Serves me right. You were stupid, chick." But the foremost thought was; "This isn't any fun any more. I want some help."

Ah, the life lesson in that. Oh, the new chapter waiting to be written.

'Resting'

On the trip to get the red truck to California, I found that I have become quite the bathroom connoisseur. We had to fill up every four hours going and every 3 coming back. With all that time on the road, I got to be in many MANY more bathrooms than I wanted.

I learned that most people don't clean their hands - trash baskets were sparsely filled with paper towels, and I learned that I am simply unable to use a bathroom without buying something. Also, you get to a point where you don't even attempt to balance anymore. Yeah, I sat, actually sat on unfamiliar toilets.

tmi, I know.

24 hours

Dust devils can reach far, far, FAR into the sky. I didn't know that. I watched them dance (once there were seven at one time), and it was literally one of the most graceful things I have ever seen. They flitted across the Arizona and California deserts. Deceptive things, dust devils. Beautiful and hypnotising from a distance, but they throw your vehicle around should you run into one.

I saw blobs of rock. Put there by a God who has the most amazing imagination, they sprang from nothing. Their beauty caught in my throat, then they were gone, and the sand remained.

108 in Phoenix, 104 in Palm Springs. Dry. Dead. The air was filled with grit. The people unkind.

So many lessons, so much time. The trip was 24 hours one way. It will live in my memory for much longer.

Slow Trucks

On my horrendous three day whirlwind tour to central California and back, I noticed several signs that read: 'Slow Trucks'.

What exactly does that mean?
1. (Be careful there are) 'Slow Trucks' (on the road) . . . or
2. Slow (down, all you) Trucks. . .or
3. Slow (stupid) Trucks (are scattered. Beware.)

If #1 and #2 are true, ok. (Didn't these guys get a license - - they DO know what they're doing, right???) If number three. that's not very encouraging to them. Couldn't it be rephrased?

And also, if you have to tell the driver of the truck numbers 1 & 2, doesn't that make them #3?

And by the way, the word 'Slow' looks wrong if you look at it too long, doesn't it?

Pictures of Mom

Ceal's blog got me to thinking. I put a picture of my mother next to my bed when I got home from Lubbock. She's smiling in it. I was looking at it last night and actually wished I was able to talk to her again. I just wanted to hear her voice for some reason. I didn't need anything specific . . just to hear her voice. The picture of her seemed to urge me to call a number that is no longer there.

. . . . and then . . . .

Then I close my eyes and see her on that stupid bed in ICU, hear the respirator keeping her alive, see her uncomprehending eyes open, see the monitor slow then finally stop.

At last I am able to cry.

The Red Truck

Robert first truck was a GMC step side. It was really red and not all loaded with bells and whistles but just seemed quietly cool. He really loved that truck. I used to watch him as he drove, his young (around 25 years old) face would just grin. He was a happy camper behind the wheel.

But during desert storm I had to stop my full time job and go part time. I couldn't afford two vehicles. I had a red convertible and the truck. And since the car had 4 seat belts, the truck had to go. I was heartbroken. Not because of the truck, but because it was special to Robert and I blew it.

My brother offered to take over payments so I wouldn't have it repossessed. He's had it for going on 11 years now.

He told me during moms funeral that he didn't' use it anymore and asked if I wanted it back. It's got body problems and transmission problems. . . . but . . . Roberts 25 year old face comes back with real force.


Yeah. I want it back.

Da Boys

Actually got to speak to both Jarred and Rob today. How weird was that? I was so tickled that I think I actually giggled. It was better than reading the back of the shampoo bottle at a friends bathroom.

And I thought; Man! I used to see these guys every single day. I used to laugh and fight and grump and joke with them all the time. I took it so for granted. It's all gone. All the hugs and kisses and stuff that comes with raising two boys named Robby and Jarred. What I wouldn't do to have those times back.

Will no one ever learn that in time?

A Question For The Ages

Why do people put reading material in the main bathroom?

I mean, how tacky is that? Like you expect someone to come in and park? You go to a persons house and the idea is to not only NOT make noise and NOT leave smelly evidence that you were there, but you also have to be in and out . . . right?

What does a person expect when they use a persons rest room - - the peoples Almanac? I mean, isn't the back of the shampoo, deodorant or hand soap good enough?

A Brreakfast Story

Don't you hate it when you go to get cereal, but there's only a little milk, so you pour it over the cereal and it's too much cereal and not enough milk so it makes the milk all sweet and thick?

I did that this morning.

It'z beena long day.

The Finals

The Final don't start until Thursday and already we are bombarded with Cav's stuff. The Cinderella team. James, James, James. It's all about them and what they're gonna do. It's pictures of Lebron dunking, and running and picking his nose. It's talking trash on Timmy and talking gold on James. There'll be fouls and sneers and rotten refs that want the series to go 6 or even 7.

It's peanut brittle, Dralenas dip, and Amy's couch. Jonathon's "Go to the basket!", Andy's "Where's the black for the rebound?", Robert's "They're lettin 'em back in!" and of course, Jackie's covered face as Tim goes for a free throw, then ill concealed disgust when he misses - - - again.

So it starts.

We Be Jammin

Ain't it cool when the day clicks?

I spent today cleaning, finishing all the pre-draft stuff for my book and doing all those things you put off. It was great. All caught up and feeling a little full of myself.

Why can't I always be this good? Usually, I'm too zapped to move by 3.

Must be the B-12.

One of Those Things That Makes You Go: Hmmmm

Have you ever cut yourself and had no idea how and when that happened? I'm sitting here watching a movie and I notice my hand hurts. So I turn it over and here's this pretty decent cut in my palm.

But I haven't had a knife out for anything, I haven't brushed it up against anything either. But it's there and it hurts.

Think it's aliens?

Why do you blog?

Darla wrote once that she wanted to be positive in her blog and to be honest, that made me feel rotten. When I started this, I always said that I was going to show people who I really was. All the silly, ignorant, bleak world that is 'Jackie'. See, I figured that we spend so much time hiding behind smiles that the true gift of oneself is to be honest - not brutal all the time, but honest.

But then you get all the downers and dark and tears. What good is that? Does anyone really care?

Darla, your way is better. I just stink at it.

Maybe This Will Make No Sense

And I understand that humans are humans, ok? I see that, comprehend that.

But why in the world would anyone complain about a bad relationship when they are doing NOTHING to fix it???? I mean, how can you say that there's no way to get along if you do nothing - - - save feed the animosity? You're not supposed to react anymore . . . right? Christianity is about thinking and doing what's right no matter what . . . correct?

Why would you think being a Christian is easy? It's simple . . yeah, but not easy. Most of the time I've found it to be a strange world that makes no sense and generally makes me pout.

Guess if there was nothing to it, a Man wouldn't have had to die.

A Bummer

Okay, so you've been working all day, unpacking and walking about 80 thousand miles. Your calfs hurt and your feet actually throb. So, you get a hot shower and you get into bed with your ambien CR dissolving quietly inside, working it's lazy way into your bloodstream.

And just as you're fading away, you hear it. That high pitched whine . . a scratchy humming noise that comes out of your nose and actually manages an obnoxious tickle as it does so. It's a screamer . . a hanging chad with volume . . a bat screeching in the bat cave. And you have to - - there is no option here, you have to get up and evacuate the orifices.

Wadda bummer

And it didn't help that the Spurs got beat.

It'z the little 'nothing to anyone else' things . . .

Couple of real big deals (to me) today;

Kaia called me 'grandma' this afternoon!!

Ok, so she was just repeating me, but I heard this vibrant note to her voice . . as if she knew I was this amazing lost part of her that screamed to be hugged.

I listened to Robe putting her to bed. He said 'Bed' and she said 'yes' and just went off to sleep. Rob and Jarred SCREAMED when I told them it was bed time. Two minutes and they were out, but I'm surprised I wasn't questioned by CPS every night.

Cynthia again

Wadda day. Wadda day. Wadda day.

Anyone who knows me knows that when I peg, I peg big time. Ok . . you all know me. Tell me how you think I'm feeling now.

Got to keep Cynthia last night. Andy and Amy (who I missed!) came back and because I had to go get Cynthia I had to cut our visit short. Really bothered me. Like I said, I missed them.

Cynthia did well last night, She got up and was (thankfully!!!!) a very normal child. She runs and talks and chatters and picks at food and is your basic 3 year old. I was afraid she'd be weird or something.

Have a garage full of stuff I have to go through and running out of room in the house. Had the closing (at last!!) this afternoon - Cynthia was not a happy camper. Had a 'book merge' - where I talked to the publisher about the first draft. Did dinner, Robert went to visitation and I called Liz and Bill (Cynthia's foster parents) to ask what time I needed to take her home. I come around the corner and there's Cynthia sitting on the ottoman crying quietly. After I made sure she wasn't hurt I held her because I'm guessing she heard me leave the message for Liz and Bill. While I held her, she laid her head against me and still cried but was just settling down when the doorbell rang. It was Bill.

I think I'm going to bed.

Kelly

Something happened in my past that I haven't thought of in about a thousand years. It was bad. It was life altering. And I've never really understood why it happened. I didn't blame God . . at the time I didn't know or care about God. I just hated what happened and wished that there was some way I could undo it.

And tonight my niece needed me to help her though the same thing. She didn't know where to go, but for some reason, came to me, the aunt she doesn't like much at all. And I was able to help her. Because of the hell I walked, I was able to understand and help her with hers.

God doesn't mess around when He says that all things happen for a reason. Wait on it. Some day, everything makes sense.

Wait on it.

Let Those That Have Eyes See.

Been a while, been a while . .

Been seeing my mom a lot lately. Can't seem to be able to stop the pictures I have of her before she had that last heart attack. She was desperate to convey her feelings to me, but was unable to do it to her satisfaction. I can see that now. Now that the veil of all the crud that surrounds death has cleared a little. She didn't know how to tell me what she needed to - - no, what she HAD to. Maybe because it was me. Maybe it was because she was mom.

But I hear it now. And I am thankful beyond words that I looked her straight in the face, and told her that I forgave her and asked her to forgive me.

And I cried. She saw that too.

Thank you, Father. Thank you, Father.

Just a Thought

If you're driving and wish you didn't have a Christian fish symbol on your vehicle, you probably need to reevaluate your attitude.

Jarred and Jaci

Three years ago today, I was riding my horse in horrific heat, looking for my brothers dogs. He'd come to visit and had let them follow us as we trailed. About half way through, they decided they wanted to chase hogs and just like that they were gone; two huskies disappeared into the Texas brush country. We'd driven about twenty minutes from home, they were let free in a place that they had never seen before.

So I was sitting there, trying not to let on that there was NO WAY those dogs were ever gonna come back when the phone rings. It's Jarred.

He says; "Hey, Momma. Guess what I did today?" When I asked what, he said: "I got married."

Well it was a good thing that sweat makes your hiney stick to a saddle, because I almost fell off. I knew Jaci and I liked Jaci and BOOM! I'm related to Jaci.

Three years later and very rarely does a day go by that I don't thank God for that little Hawaiian gem. Wadda sweetie! Jarred has often remarked that he was smart and got her while she was young and didn't know any better - - - and while I love and admire my son, I think he's right. Three years ago today. How cool is that?

Oh, and when we pulled back into the house three or fours hours later, the dogs were waiting for us. Impossible. But true.

The Retreat

This weekend, I watched as some really wonderful women put on a very good retreat. I say 'watched' because I felt oddly displaced. I went to the river, watched the fish swim sedately ignorant of me. I saw a soft mist swirl and dance in front of an inspiring bluff. I heard ladies laugh and saw them cry.

It was like I was this detached entity, observing, but not allowing myself to get close. I ached so much to actually feel . . . and instead I felt dead. Apathetic. Alone.

Will I never be on fire again?

What if I'm never on fire again?

One of Those Times That Make You Wanna Slap Your Head.

So I'm in line at the bank and this guy looks at me, smiles and says: "I love your shirt."

I was wearing the one that has a chick running around the back end of a horse with a wheel barrel and it reads: 'I Get a Lot Out Of My Horses.'

And I thought . . .here's this man, reading my shirt and to do that he has to stare at my 'ya knows' and I INVITED HIM TO DO IT!! When I thought about it, I was totally blown away. I'd be ticked to all get out if he stared at my chest, but here I was, ASKING him to stare at my chest.

I went to Beals and bought some grown up shirts.

The Tire Swing

I remember hearing the high pitched shrill scream of cicadas while I sat on the tire swing when I was a little girl. The edges of the rubber cut into my skin, but it didn't matter then. It was early summer, hot and humid and I think the smell of sweat wasn't offensive then as it is now. I would use my toes to wind the rope around and around until it almost knotted. Then I would lift my feet, lock my knees, put my head back and unwind at about a thousand miles an hour. It would unwind, then begin to knot up the other way and you'd help it until it was time to let it fly.

The laugh that produces gives me a smile now at the memory.

A perfect diamond to time. Age cannot dim it. It is my honest prayer that I have been a part of memories like that to Rob and Jarred.

Storms

I've always wanted to see a tornado. I have been fascinated by them since 'The Wizard of Oz' when I was a little girl. The 'tornado' scene was the best part of the whole thing I thought. I wanted to be a storm chaser . . but the math beat me. Besides writing, it is the only thing I have wanted to do since I started storing memories.

Man, I love a storm. Being on the edge of danger and smiling at it . . . is that stupid or what? The danger is disregarded for that dumb 'high'. Yeah, I know it symbolizes sin and how you get drawn in and killed. I know all that.

Still, another round is due tonight . . .during the Spurs game.

It's a 2'fer.

Hateful Moods

When I don't care for someone, they can say nothing right. I have an awful tendency to find fault with everything they say. Today there were about 3 or 4 guys who could have said it was raining and I would have argued the point standing in a downpour.

And it really gets in the way of worship.

A man has said that he has an easier time being awed by God than doing anything that would inspire God. And I so disagree. I am sure that God is beaming at me when I manage to actually bridle my tongue. Or when I manage to really sing; 'The Highest Place" or when I smile when I want to scream, encourage when I want to cry . . . .

Only He knows what it takes me to do those things.

Kaia

Rob and Brandee are good at the kid thing.

Kaia (No, not 'Kia', Lonnie) was this unreal ball of energy. She went warp nine. Her little legs were like steel and they never stopped. I wanted her to be a gymnast, Brandee said soft ball and now I'm thinking she needs to be a superhero. Walking at nine months, running at 10. Climbing and doing stuff that they (Rob and Bradee) were supposed to have months to prepare for - to ease into. She is three shakes past too adorable and loves 'the brethren' - that would be ANY small kid within her view.

In short, when Rob and Brandee do it, they obviously do it right. I was always really sorry that Kaia would be their only child . . it was almost like with all the rotten little kids out there (and they are there, make no doubt) it wasn't fair that she should be alone.

But she's not. Don't know when the baby is due, don't know if she's a she or a he, but just know that Kaia gets to be a big sister. How cool is that???

Judging

Why is it called 'judging' when you disagree with an action? When you support someones actions, isn't that a judgement too?

Sometimes the World Don't Make No Sense

So I'm a huge Spurs fan. Anyone within shouting distance knows that. And I realize it's fun to give a fan like me a hard time. Okay. That's cool.

But lately there has been 2 people who go out of their way to be ugly, ugly, ugly about the Spurs. It's like they're berating me. And they're so mean about it. They say stuff like; "Oh, that's Awesome! They lost? I LOVE it when the Spurs lose!" they hiss with a malicious laugh. Or how about the guy who made fun of me across the table at a Foster/adopt meeting - he didn't know me from Adam, but he blurted out insult after insult.

Kinda makes you wonder if someone goes that far out of their way to humiliate and insult you, are they really nice people?

Just the way things are.

Went To Amy Brymers today -. She had a few artists out at the ranch to take pictures that they could paint later. Amy needed help so Chello (Rachel Reed) and I saddled up and got to play around on horses all day. It was really fun, but I was too tired to get the stuff done on the house on Massad I wanted. I stayed at Amy's for like 4 hours.

I have been wanting to ride Amy's horse, Dakota, for the longest time. And today I had my chance. He's always so laid back and pretty, I just thought he'd be nice. So I go out to catch him , he spins and kicks out so fast that I actually feel the swish of it as his hoof just missed my head. It was close. So I went up to him, sneered at him, saddled him, got on, decided I didn't want to ride him, got off and harnessed up the miniature.

I was mad and didn't want to play anymore. Why? Because I'd been duped. I was unprepared. I had been lulled into a false sense of security. I trusted him with almost no effort and he took advantage of my confidence. He won't burn me again.

And that's the way I treat people. Right or wrong, if I get burned I don't think I ever quite trust them again.

And that is just the way things are.

a Question for the Ages

Whoever said that life slows as you get older is one sick puppy. I have never been so busy.

If you don't get anything out of a study, do you still have to go? If you get to where you dread it, can you stop?

Lookin to alleviate a little guilt here.

Hate to Sound Like a Complainer . . . .

Okay, this might be 'Gnat in Eyes'ville', but it drives me bats when people have you sit to say a prayer. I can understand it if there was a physical problem, but it just seems so disrespectful. Like we can't be bothered to get to our feet. In fact, there's a guy at church that tells everyone to sit before he prays. That's kinda scary because he's preparing us for a looooong prayer.

and then . . .

And then I think - WHAT WAS THAT REF THINKING - TO THROW TIMMY OUT FOR A TECHNICAL WHILE HE SAT ON THE BENCH??????

Another Pet Peeve

I hate it, hate it, hate it when you get forwards that tell you that you don't love God if you don't pass it on to 10 people, or that you don't love the United states if you don't forward it to 8 people, or you will receive a miracle as soon as you pass it along to 12 people or you will have bad luck and your cat will be behind the wheel of the truck that runs through your house if you don't forward it to 6 people.

I ALWAYS delete them and I wish there was a way to tell the nice people who forward them to just stop it!!!!

Mah Boy Does it Again!

Rob guessed it - I was thinking of Envy. If you go back and check all the clues, it makes sense.

And I thought Andy would nail it right after the Italian Job clue!

Pleasanton

It's scary to think on what I would give if I could remain ignorant.

Pleasanton, Texas. I love small towns. It's great to live in one. The only thing better is to live in the country outside a small town. Everyone knows you. You makes friends that you will grown ancient with. Your name becomes your signature. You get to where you know the hum of the towns breathing.

. . . and then . . .

And then every one knows you. And talks to you. And tells you things you really, really wish you didn't know.

Ok . . .. let's try this one.

The thing I'm thinking of is a close close cousin to coveting.

New list.

What really kinda sorta ruins your day? I've got a few.

Dead cats on the side of the road.

Dead dogs on the side of the road.

A 'loose bowel' attack 20 miles from anything usable. (Or worse, that sound it makes when it's working itself up while you're in front of a cute guy.)

A letter from the bank that is not the monthly statement.

A nuclear blast within the boundaries of the United States.

HEB always being out of Natural Vanilla Bean ice cream.

Ok . . . I Promised this to Rob

My word is a noun and a verb.
In The Italian Job, it was the car and the stereo and the library both before(verb) and after (noun).

Sorry, you guys. Thought this was an easy one.

Oh the Joy of Paginisim

When I was a little girl, we were heathens and celebrated easter.

We never did the Church service - my parents hypocrisy did have boundaries. We did the egg dyeing and the jelly beans and the chocolate bunny stuff. We would do the eggs up and the 'easter bunny' would hide them at night and we'd get up and find them the next morning. Then we'd hide them again, and find them, and we'd hide them again, and we'd find them - my fingers are tired. Then we'd get the real treat - we'd actually get to eat the eggs. (My parents didn't do the deviled . . ie:'angel ed" egg thing . . . I have no idea why.) Oh the yellow surround by that grren slime thing . . Mmmmm. One of those things you look forward to.

. . . and then . . .

And then I wonder at the sanitary aspect of it all. Eggs at room temperature all night then eaten? And all that dye. I remember seeing the lines of it that had bled through some crack in the shell to stain the white. Gag. I remember giggling at the gas we all seemed to become full of on easter evening.

Oooo. Such happy happy memories.

So Rob needs some help

The thing I'm thinking about is a dreamer . . .it aches for anything and everything it doesn't have.

If you can't get this Rob, I'm gonna LAUGH!

Ben

When I was in Lubbock, Robert couldn't be there. My brother was there, cracking jokes to 'help with the tension' and my sisters were there, one all patronizing, the other secretive and all three of them made me uncomfortable. I was a stranger. I have never felt more alone in my life.

Mom had a good friend, she considered him a son. He stood behind me while we took Mom off the ventilator and he cried, while I leaned up against him. He also stood in the memorial, speaking stories about my mother that made me furrow my brow. His name was Ben.

I called him yesterday. I've known the man for 2 weeks - the worst 2 weeks of my life, and the way I felt when I heard his voice . . . . I have no words. In a world gone crazy, he was a rock. When all the junk started (and it is junk that happens when a person dies), my sisters pushed him out of the way. He didn't want to intrude, they didn't feel he was close enough, I guess. I needed him so bad.

Rob, Jarred; I need to introduce you to your uncle Ben.

Think I got Rob stumped

The thing that I'm thinking about is a vice.